AIBU To think carers should get the person dressed in the morning

[notgivinga]

Just that really it’s my MIL so really not my place to say, but she sits all day in her pyjamas. I just think it would be so much better for her mentally to get dressed. Thoughts?

Maybe provide some day time/lounge wear type things- maybe she prefers this type of thing as she is getting into her pyjamas and I’m guessing the carers are doing that

I'm pretty disgusted at someone on here calling carers "lazy" when it's well known that the majority are over-worked and underpaid and often have a huge rota of clients that they have to deal with daily.

My fil’s carers had to ask 3 times. If the client refused three times that was it. Some took this very literally, stood in the doorway and asked a sleepy man if he wanted to be washed, and dressed 3 times then went on their way.

Then we got some decent carers who would come in, chat a bit, put on the news for him while they made tea and toast, and then get him cleaned and dressed. Literally gave him back his dignity.

I did some pre employment training for a caring role last week. If it is in the care plan, we must try. As a pp mentioned, this may require speaking in phrases that suggest it is happening now so here are your options. If the client refuses, we cannot force them. If your child refused to change into their swimming costume, there would be an outcry if the teacher forced them into it! It is not laziness. We clock in and out and stay for our allocated times. It is not laziness or being as quick as possible. However, anything unable to be done that is on the care plan is logged in our notes and we call the office so there is a robust paper trail. It may mean that the care plan needs to be re-evaluated.

We have an elderly neighbour going through this. The carers will often leave things to her daughter because she's refused them doing the thing with her. Sadly, I think it part of the litigation culture. Someone reports that person for "forcing" the person and their job is on the line, possibly with a criminal record too. Your husband or our neighbour's daughter are highly unlikely to get in trouble a) because no-one will notice and b) because it's likely to be seen as part of then trying to care,

Im a carer of a sort. Wellbeing, not physical care, although I help the other carers when needed and do things for my residents if needed. I "popped in" on one of my residents today. She isn't dressed. She doesnt want to get dressed. I reminded her that she feels better when she does, its good for her MH etc. But ultimately I can't make her.

I used to be a carer for a lady with dementia. She'd let her daughter do all kinds of things she wouldn't accept from me. Including personal care. Luckily her DD was fine with that.

I've met carers who are lazy and barely try. When met with a "no" when asking if someone wants to get dressed they dont try again.
I've met carers who are too far the other way and insist. Which goes against patient centered care. Id often find myself doing little things like changing someone's cardigan to match their skirt as the AM carer hadn't given them a choice.

But most of us are doing our best, for minimum wage and minimum thanks.

As a former carer I found that a lot of families who had carers to look after their elderly relative were under the impression that it absolved them of any responsibility towards mum/dad/granny.
It doesnt.
Im sure there are other carers/former carers who would agree with me

Yes they should, It can be written in her care plan that family members would like her to be encouraged to get washed and dressed. They won’t force her if she really doesn’t want to or is Ill.

Exactly! I was a bit flippant with my smelling like a farmyard upthread ( and tbh the lady in question had been a land girl and she found it funny) but what you said is spot on

I think when someone is at the point of needing full time carers they are left with very little autonomy over their own lives. For many deciding if they get dressed or not may be the only thing they actually feel they can control.

I agree with this. We could get granny to do things no one else could.

This is very true. And I think we tend to try and impose our ideas of what is right onto them over things that really don't matter.

In this case I would be more concerned about how often her nightwear is changed than if she ever wears day clothes. If she wears her nightie all night and all day then in the evening changes into fresh nightie why does that matter.

Carer: shall i get u dressed Jane?
Jane: no leave it.
Some carers may be more experienced at getting someone to do something.
As for the fact that your husband manages to do this but thr carers don't may be because mum is happy for him to do so.

I think as long as she's happy, clean, warm and comfortable then that's all that matters .If they're leaving her in smelly PJ's all day every day that's different altogether. I would worry about her being warm enough, Can you get her some new lounge wear that has the same feel and level of comfort as PJ's but would be warmer for her to wear ?

Sadly my FIL was like this - refusing to be washed. There's not much they can do in this situation and often they have such a short window of time.

If they're there all day, it's almost certain that she's refusing to let them dress her.

But it's definitely worth one of you having a conversation with the carer company, to see if they can find strategies to encourage her to let them dress her. Apart from anything else, there's a hygiene issue if she's not taking those pyjamas off from Monday to Friday

People seem to forget that cared for people are still humans. I wonder how they would feel to be forced into dressing and undressing by a carer?

DM has steadfastly refused to wear anything except nighties and a cardigan since her fall in April. She has carers in 4 times a day and the nighties are frequently washed and changed. The only social visitors she receives are us really, although nowadays between her and DF we probably fall more into the category of unpaid administrators.

I feel bad now as I have never concerned myself with it provided what she has on is clean. She is primarily bed bound these days so night clothes will be more comfortable for her. I would much prefer it if she was in a care home but I can’t force her to go.

@rookiemere don’t feel bad. Your mother is clean, comfortable and being cared for with respect. You’re doing a great job.

This.
also carers will take the first “ no thanks “ as “ client chose to stay in pjs “

whereas me as relative would persist and persuade knowing in 30 mins she’d look and think “ am I up or am I going to bed “ etc. she might respond to “ this pink top or the purple “ rather then “ get dressed “ . The same “ choices “ we give 3 yr olds to work the way round to what us needed

Who is paying for them to be there all day?

It’s not unreasonable at all to let them know that you have an expectation as a family that she is washed and dressed in day clothes- also let them know that she does get dressed when they are not there, and that for her dignity, despite her not being aware of the situation at all, that you know she would prefer it if she was aware. It’s not you criticising the care, it’s purely giving a preference you know she would have.

But the question is should that override her actual wishes? If her last bit out autonomy is saying I am clean but I want to wear ‘night clothes’ should that really be overridden?

Do you think they should force her if she says no? Don't be ridiculous.

No however if she is not washing the care team for their own safeguarding should notify the family.