Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

@CrazyGoatLady if your DGM wants paid carers at home and is agreeing to that then that is what DF needs to do as she has capacity clearly. Like others have said you cannot continue to run yourself to prop up their unreasonable expectations. My Uncle was like that about protecting funds when my DGM needed nursing care when she was dying of cancer, because he had two kids at Uni, but it is your DGM's money and she wants to spend it that way, he needs to respect that. It is progress that your DGM has agreed to carers and your DF is threatening to undermine that progress.

Assert your boundaries now, if DF and SM are pissed off so be it, they cannot force you to keep doing this. It is also unreasonable for your SM to expect your sons to be involved. Guilt tripping and shaming are unfair tactics. I notice people only ever use this on the family who actually care, they don't bother with the selfish family who are never there because they know it doesn't work. If they expected the same of everyone then maybe the few who do help might not burn out.

I would definitely agree @rookiemere that DF is now like a cross between a toddler and a teenager in terms of being unable to see the impact of his behaviour on others, unreasonable expectations and tantrums with foot stamping when he doesn't get his own way. Much of it driven by fear and anxiety about change and not accepting that things can't stay the same. He always was a selfish individual though and unable to see the needs of others.

My mum has gone the opposite way to many. She was self centred all my life until dad died. Since then she hasn't demanded anything, she just can't see that she needs help so doesn't ask. She mostly doesn't even panic when things go wrong. E.g. She's down to 1 dining room chair now. I've had to remove the others as she's tried to repair them herself but can't see that it's rubbish and the minute someone sits on them they collapse. I take them away on the pretext of getting DH to fix them and by the time I go up again she's forgotten they exist. And she never, ever phones.
But that all just creates a different set of worries because I never know what I'm going to find when I get there and I always have trouble sleeping before I go there. The demanding one in my family is my brother who thinks it's ok for him to move 5 hours away but not ok for me to have holidays or hobbies. He kicked up a right stink when the GP phoned him because they couldn't get hold of me. I was in Central America so couldn't have "popped round" anyway (would be a 2 hour round trip if I was home) and when they tried to call it was 3am local time so my phone was on do not disturb.

@rookiemere yes, very much like horrible teenagers.

I probably do sound uncaring about DM. And, to be truthful, the person I visit dutifully each week isnt DM. She is long gone. I go to be fair to DB and give him a break.

DM and I werent close. I wasnt the daughter she had wanted. I'm not blond and pretty. I never confided in her even as a child. In later years our relationship was very superficial. Surface chat. Now there isnt even that.

Totally understand this 💙

@rookiemere that sounds like my relationship with mum.

Mum was on quite good form today.
Was asleep when I arrived. Tried to tell me I told her the appointment was 11.30...luckily I had the text messages as proof!
I'm dropping some shopping off tomorrow but only because I'm going out anyway and passing the shops. It'll be a drop n go situation 😁
She told me I looked "awful".
I know I do, but when she's a big part of the reason I look awful it's a bit much! 😬

@countrygirl99 suspect you may be confusing me with @GnomeDePlume. Up until the dementia set in DM was a pretty decent person and it would be wrong of me to say otherwise. I definitely wouldn’t be rushing out to buy DF a best father card, but both of them did the best job they could bringing me up.

Seen the care home they are going to, it’s not half as nice as the one near them which was giving genuine Thursday Murder Club vibes. Plus they can’t share a room. Oh well. It’s all organised for tomorrow so we have to make the best of it.

Sorry, yes you are right, I got confused.

I feel a bit of a fraud on here, as in general, my MIL only affects me as much as I let her. Unfortunately I seem to let her too much.
She does amazingly well, but I am trying to future proof for when she doesn’t, but she will not have it. When I was up a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to persuade her to get rails at front or back door. Never go out says she, subject closed. All this week, since weather been a bit better, she is telling me about going out the back. I am steadfastedly ignoring it, because what more can be said!
She had a heart scare, Dr gave her tablets ( low heart beat?) but she won’t take them, don’t like taking tablets Scrab, you know that. But what else can Dr do? TBH Dr not incredibly caring towards an 88 year old who has recently been bereaved, but even so, if she won’t take prescribed meds, their hands are tied.
Then she had as much of an argument with me as she ever does telling me she could say whatever about savings(she is self funding and will be for a while) because they are not allowed to check. Would not believe me that they could. Although would be the first to condemn benefit fraud…
I really am doing my best, but at the moment, while she still has capacity, for any help, she really needs to meet me halfway…

@Scrabsqueak in some ways the anticipation can be almost as bad as the events themselves. For the past couple of years before DMs fall and sudden dramatic decline, it was obvious that changes needed to be made. I managed to get DM attendance allowance and instead of getting a badly needed cleaner and also getting them used to people in the house, DF used it to buy a new large screen tv. Our suggestion of a walk in shower was poo pooed as likely to reduce the properties value.

Its like watching a collision from the start in slow motion knowing that you’re going to be the one picking up the pieces. I am not sure what I could have done differently though. The only thing that would really have helped is moving near us, but that would have had to have been done at least 10 years ago when they could still have managed it and truly we didn’t think they would live as long as they have.

You might as well step back for now. She clearly isn’t going to do anything sensible and even if she did, it may not prevent any future issues.

@rookiemere
TY. You have really summed up the helplessness I feel.
You are right, I need to let life take its course.

I am thread hogging today, but this has made me laugh albeit in a cynical world weary way.

DF is from another english speaking country originally that is far away with expensive air fares. For various complex reasons he has always been financially generous about paying for my cousins to come over and visit them. Two of them mostly refuse any contribution but one has come over for a couple of years on the trot with DF paying not only for her but also her DFs airfare. He enjoys our home town for the evening music opportunities and they rarely go on day trips and basically are a bit entitled when they are there ( mostly the DH), but we put up with it as they do
visit DPs and my cousin is an ok person.

For some reason my cousins seem to think that clearing DPs house is a big onerous task and are offering to help. It would have been nice if they had offered to come over and do caring for my two demented DPs when I really needed it, but fair enough whatever. My cousin emailed me the other day about it and I said not to worry and it was all in hand and btw DF was refusing to go into the home, so really that was our major concern at the moment and she sent me a nice message back.

The grifter DH contacted DH directly offering his help, but really all he wants is the free flight as normal and possibly to crash out in DPs house. I told DH he could respond and say we would be delighted to have him over to help but all DPs funds are now earmarked for the care home so we couldn’t cover their air fare( this is vaguely true). Bet we wouldn’t hear from him ever again.

DPs aren’t even in the bloody home yet - it’s Wednesday not tomorrow- and he’s like a vulture circling over their belongings.

NB we’re planning to just get in a clearance company. They weren’t hoarders although have kept 30 years of paperwork and most of what they bought was low cost.

Exactly this ^
I got mum a BB and AA a few years ago.
She has spent on a laundry and ironing service (not much choice, the flats laundry room machines are constantly broke/flooding.
We can't find a reliable cleaner or a food delivery service she likes.
She's already got rid of the zimmer frame 🙄 and has about 5 sticks placed around the flat, but isnt actually using them 🤷‍♀️
She has a wet room, but is finding showering/hair washing too much.
Those fresh wipes and shower caps are amazing btw.
She's using the tena pants I got her so thats something.
I can't help feeling she's on the precipice of something
She was weighed today...38 kgs 😕

So this evening mum has a sore knee and is noticeably limping but she doesn't know why. My guess is she's fallen and can't remember.

@countrygirl99
It's difficult, isnt it?
Mums got an awful bruised/scab area on the back of her hand.
She says she can't remember how she did it...she's on blood thinners so its a worry

We did a supermarket run and it did ease when she was walking around so I think it's bruising or a strain that stiffened while she wasn't moving around. She was wearing trousers and didn't want me to look at it. My parents were always very stoic and very much the "tis just a flesh wound, no need to bother" type. ILs would be at the GP at the first sign of a cold so we had to get used to health attitudes at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Much support to all of you who are worried and being brushed off @countrygirl99 and @Raven08 and all of you dealing with parents and relatives who don't need any help and can still do everything just like 10 years ago. It's hard.

Finally got some sense out of the CH around discharge planning. Because DGM has been refusing help with anything from staff there, and will do it all herself no matter how long it takes or how exhausted it makes her, they have determined she needs no care other than help with food preparation, and could go home tomorrow with a meal delivery service (that she wouldn't eat). So we are left with getting the private agency she used previously to come back - fine, she likes them and will at least let them help her a bit more than the CH staff. I managed to get them to agree they wouldn't discharge her without the private care being in place, due to family living so far away.

All DF has to do is call the agency and he hasn't. After I relayed things to him, he was like "oh, so we don't need to rush then". He doesn't understand that the agreement I have with them is basically a HCP to HCP "gentlemen's agreement" - if you can keep her a few more days, we'll sort out private care and she'll be out of your hair. It doesn't mean mess about and procrastinate! So if he doesn't do it today again, that'll be me using my one half hour break in a back to back day of meetings to sort it instead of eating. DGM told me the other day I'm too skinny and it's starting to age me. This is bloody why!!

Can you email the private care agency before work starts @CrazyGoatLady? I wonder whether he is deliberately delaying because it is easier for your DF when your DGM is in the CH.

I only have a phone number for them, unfortunately. I've urged SM to push my dad to either do it today or delegate it to me, I have more time today where I could call them. We don't know at the moment how long it will take for them to get their rotas sorted to accommodate the visit times she wants, usually it's around a week, so it's not as if they'd be saying they can start tomorrow.

It is easier for all of us if she's in a CH to be honest, but at the moment that's not on the table, both because she's been assessed as fit to go home and DGM doesn't want to. She will do respite stays, which was a huge shift, but is adamant she won't move, so the next best thing is adequate home care, hopefully with district nurse visits at home. I know it won't work, I know we'll just be waiting for the next crisis. Hopefully with the extra visis and district nurse coming we might at least delay it a bit.

@countrygirl99
My fil is like that...many, many dr and hospital visits, but mil?
She genuinely saw it as some sort of moral victory that she "only ever went to hospital to have her dc" 🙄
Sadly, this baffling attitude of "aren't I great and aren't other people weak and stupid?" has badly backfired in recent years 😕
She has many health issues now and ignored a head injury and broken hip which has caused untold damage 🤷‍♀️

Dad was nearly 20 when the NHS was formed and his family were very poor so I think not seeing a doctor unless it was dire was a habit ingrained from childhood. With mum I think it was always just too much of a nother and tbh she does have the constitution of an ox. Must have because she's never been into cleaning or food hygiene! I only have a stomach bug roughly every 20-25 years and even then only in places like India. DH is convinced it's because mum's cooking supercharged my immune system.

Hi there, can I join you? About to head off for hospital visit with my 89 year old DF so can't do the full rant now, but these are the highlights. For the last decade I have nursed through chronic and then terminal illness my sister in law, DH (cancer that spread to his brain at the start of covid so very little support), DM (after years of decline and operations carried off last year by 4 hospital-acquired infections simultaneously), and now my DF. He is in a wheelchair (leg amputated two years ago), in a first floor flat without stairlift (refuses one), has carers who he only allows to clean, and insists on being as independent as he can at huge effort. I live 5 hours away. Eldest of three; both my siblings still working full time. I took voluntary redundancy when DH was dying. So now pretty much all falls to me. I have a young adult DS who is at uni but still in need of some support. I feel completely burnt out and exhausted.

Current hospital visit is because he fell and broke his existing leg very badly. Got call in middle of night from where I was visiting DS who had had a medical crisis. Rushed across country again. DF had major op which took 4 hours longer than planned. He lost a lot of blood. Seems to have pulled through but it will be a long recovery. So I'm stuck here until things are resolved. He is tough as old boots and has pulled through many severe health crises so I expect he will make it through this one. But I am so unbelievably burnt out. I had so many plans for my retirement which were stymied first by widowhood and now by the unending and unpredictable crisis state I seem to be living in.

@SchrodingersKitty
I'm so very sorry for all your losses x
Losing people during covid must have been a truly traumatic experience x
I have 2 older dc who still need lots of support, too, for various reasons. It's hard.
Your dad gets to decide if he wants help, but that doesn't mean it should come at such a huge detriment to your wellbeing...I say this kindly, as I was in your position 2 weeks ago.
I've hugely stepped back after mum decided (after 2 lengthy hospital stays with no diagnoses) that she wants no more tests and doesn't want to know whats wrong - thats her choice, but I cannot pick up the pieces yet again this time.
My siblings have had to step up and, frankly, if they don't, then she'll need carers in.
Or she refuses carers (very likely) and a crisis happens 🤷‍♀️
It has struck me as somewhat of an epiphany that I've spent my whole life scaffolding the lives of others.
I'm not doing that anymore. The crises will occur, whether I'm flogging myself to death, or not.
I really feel for you and hope your ds is ok x

Ugh I’ve just come off the phone after calling my mum pathetic.

She has some string narc tendencies and was arguing that she showed me a big bill at the weekend - the call was ask what was happening with it. (She never calls just to chat or see how we are)

Of course I saw no bill, she had pointed on the direction of the coffee table, I saw some correspondence but nothing that was urgent and certainly not a bill.

She then was saying yes you saw it and slammed it down on the table and this is why I never tell you anything. (Woe is me, at least she’s stopped with the heavy drinking) that’s when I called her pathetic and out the phone down.

Not my finest moment. She’s vulnerable, but these are existing character traits that have worsened. I thought she was calling me to wish me a happy birthday too…

I don’t post often, apologies for the rant.

Happy birthday @Greigey 💐