Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

Shambles in, crying, waves whiskey bottle, staggers to the bar. Anyone else want a hot toddy?

I think we are all in need this evening!

Sending much support, tea, wine, cake, whatever you need to get through, to you all who are doing battle with recalcitrant parents/relatives, hospitals, broken systems and controlling/batshit family members!

I've had to take half a day's annual leave to get some sense out of the hospital re plans for DGM's discharge, as the doctor said she was medically fit for discharge and they keep saying to her "you want to go home, don't you?" Eventually after remonstrating with several different people and departments, the social worker went to see her and said she's too frail to go home and needs to be moved to the frailty unit to do a pre-discharge health and care needs assessment. But there are no beds there at the moment, so who knows when that will be. There will be a stinker of a complaint going in about the ward she's been on when she's out of there, I know that much!

I’m sorry it’s just so hard isn’t it? 💐

Just got home from the hospital after being with MIL since we found her on the floor at 8.30am. They've kept her in as they want to run more tests to try and see if there's a reason for her sudden loss of mobility. Long day! We're drinking wine and staring into space now.

GP is a total arse. Nurse at the CH have called several times to ask the GP to come and see DM or at least do a phone consult. Not a thing from GP. This has been going on for at least 3 weeks now.

We knew this GP practice was pretty bad as they were DM's GP before her fall. Unfortunately we are stuck with them because they are the CH GP.

@GnomeDePlume that's so frustrating. Mum's GP is rubbish but it's the only one in town so also stuck. I made an official complaint last Saturday about them not responding to messages and guess what. Yep, no response.

Make a complaint to the practice manager @GnomeDePlume and if that doesn't get you anywhere to the Integrated Care Board covering that GP or NHS England directly. It might get them moving.

At care home today. DER needed a carer, not me. He doesn't press his button because nothing happens. I pressed the button and timed it - 21 minutes. One senior and two carers looking after 30+ residents. Another care home have told me they answer the bell within 5 minutes. Is that possible?
Feeling so sad for DER - the carers are wonderful but they aren't actually superhuman.

Another care home have told me they answer the bell within 5 minutes. Is that possible?

I think it very much depends on staffing levels. i visited mum in her home yesterday. One senior and three carers, doing medications and gradually corralling the mobile residents from the lounge into the dining area for the evening meal, sorting teas and coffees etc. There’s usually another carer on duty just doing “rooms” which I assume are the residents that stay in bed, i often don’t see them. The home has a total capacity of 23 residents plus a few day visitors (often on the waiting list for a room) and an outstanding rating. It can be done if the will is there.

My first thought was that this staffing level must be below the required threshold so I googled to check. And was shocked to find there is no required staff to resident ratio. The CQC just says staffing needs to be ‘sufficient’. I found an article saying the traditional model health authorities used to use was
1 to 5 in the morning
1 to 8 in the after noon and
1 to 10 at night

but that as they don’t take account of individual residents’ care needs or even things like the geography of the care home these are too broad brush. I can see that but thought there would be an absolute minimum in place. Owners can literally decide for themselves if they will shell out for bank staff to cover for workers off sick or just see how they get on with fewer than expected staff.

@thunderfog possibly by only pressing the button once, the staff didn’t think it was an urgent request. If it had been pressed every few minutes the help might have come faster. 21 minutes is obviously not good but if you had pressed the button 5-10 times in 21 minutes and still not got help that would be much worse.

Does anyone know how to read this article which is behind the DM paywall?

https://mol.im/a/15537695

Answering the bell and dealing with the need can be two separate things.

Minimum staffing levels seem to depend on how the care is categorised. Residential will have the lowest.

Thank you for that information about directing complaints @Choconuttolata . DB feels that the GP has given up on DM. As he pointed out, how can they sign the death certificate if they havent seen her in over a month?

DM is now mainly living on ice cream and tea. My turn to visit today. DB says I will see a sharp decline in the last week.

@GnomeDePlume we had to go to the ICB about DF's GP recently. Funnily enough, as soon as we sent them a copy of the complaint, they were able to sort the previously "insurmountable" issue 🙄

@ThunderFog I do suspect most CH and hospitals are running on fairly minimal staff, sadly. The place DGM was in for reablement last time was mostly private and appeared well staffed but even then you wouldn't get a carer within 5 minutes, so I do wonder how the place that is saying that can manage it. Perhaps it's only a very small home.

I was wondering how others here cope with the emotional side of it (ok, the guilt!) The past 3 weekends I've had no rest, because I've driven 6hrs round trip on top of a full week at work to visit, do the laundry, take clean things in, speak to the nurses etc to ensure DF gets a break, as he has chronic health issues. I'm just so weary of the cycle. Hospital admission, reablement, DGM insists on going home, then can't manage, doesn't look after herself or tell us/carers if she feels unwell and needs the GP, leaves it until there's no option but hospital, rinse and repeat. It's a 3 month cycle, and has been for about 2 years. She can manage at home for around 4-6 weeks then it all falls apart. I resent the impact it's having on my life, DF's health, DH who is having to hold the fort when I'm gone, the boys. Pissed off with DF who thinks it should be no big deal for me to do a 6hr round trip after a full week of work and barely see my own family all weekend. Guilty because working FT means I can't really do that much, other than the phone calls and wrangling with healthcare and social care systems, which because of my job I'm best placed to do. Guilty about how I feel - I feel like if I was a better human, I wouldn't feel so resentful of it and I'd see it as DF does, that my need for a weekend where I'm not doing a second shift after a full week of a stressful job (healthcare senior management) or away from my family and pets for most of it and maybe get a bit of rest is a luxury when you have family who are old, ill and vulnerable. Or am I asking too much of myself to do it with good grace, and it's maybe ok to be muttering "ffs not again" as I tramp to my car in the wind, rain and sleet early on a Saturday morning!

You could try archive.is Copy the URL and paste into the lower search box. It usually works for most pages as long as it has been archived.

@CrazyGoatLady I think anger is an entirely rational response to a situation in which you are expected to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as it were. Although your GM is clearly ill and vulnerable, it sounds as though there is a level of refusal to appreciate the true situation and act accordingly, that then puts emotional pressure on everyone else to solve the self created problem. Maybe the answer was to move to more suitable living arrangements earlier; if that is no longer possible then maybe the answer is to consent to carers and/ or a care home, which whilst not universal panaceas, are better than the current situation. But most likely your relative will refuse practical help and struggle on “independently,” thereby imposing the cost of that decision on you.

I don’t know what the answer is.

@CrazyGoatLadyi feel for you. There is this assumption that family will just pick up the not so small part of life which isn’t covered by social care. Ie washing clothes, many sets due to incontinence, food shopping along with all the other things.

As I’m 400 miles away brother picking up most of this , but the emotional guilt is awful. I’m not concentrating on work or family life as thinking ahead to what I can do from here

MIL has been moved to an assessment ward after 30 hours on a bed in a corridor. To be honest I prefered the corridor its a bit chaotic here. No idea what the next steps are!

@CrazyGoatLady a wise person on this board said when you have a choice between guilt or resentment, choose guilt.

You need a break at some point - and your DF needs to see that - because in your future it sounds like weekly round trips might be what your DF might need from you?

Boundaries and getting in external help - and accepting it - are much more sustainable. You burning out is a big risk - and if you’re ill (or on holiday) then it’s more resilient for your GM.

I don’t know if this helps you but when our Dad was in hospital for the umpteenth time and we were paying privately for carers, the main carer went to Dad in the hospital to take stuff in/away.

@StillNiceCardigan how are you? Did you manage to eat, drink and sleep at all in the 30 hours?

In our experience, assessment beds just meant not having been ‘admitted’ and things going missing.

@CrazyGoatLady what would happen if you refuse to go up for one weekend ?

We went home once MIL had gone to sleep for the night. I managed to convince DH he was no use to anyone if he was exhausted.

@StillNiceCardigan glad there was some respite in there. Wishing you strength and boundaries.

Thanks for answers about the bell question. DER literally does not get a response for 20 minutes. When the response is from a carer who says "sorry I have to get a senior for that", it can be another 20 minutes.
Most of the residents are in bed. The ones who are mobile wander into DER's room and mess with his things, so sometimes he's pressing the bell to get them out.
@CrazyGoatLady hugs. The best you can do is good enough. You have to live too.
@StillNiceCardigan hope you have got some sleep. Hospital is so crazy these days.

Hello!

I’m new here. I have dm (nearly 81) in hospital atm, and it’s been one disaster after another. She was originally admitted with delirium and a head CT has shown changes which probably indicate dementia - there are loads of indications that she does indeed have dementia. Hospital won’t assess for anything, saying the social workers do that, and the social workers won’t entertain discharge planning until the assessments have been done. I thought I had the ward manager on side until she lied and told social services I had serious complaints about them and is now saying it’s my fault no assessments have taken place.

I am going to see how dm is the afternoon then email PALS when I get in as enough is enough!

And, no one reads notes. Every time I get to speak to a doctor they ask me what’s happened so far. I now refuse and tell them to read the notes. Last week I was asked what’s happened did I know about the recent update. I am afraid that I was less than polite in pointing out that no one was giving me updates, ever.

Thank you all who have chipped in with your thoughts. You are all very kind 🌹

@StillNiceCardigan hope you manage to get some rest amid the chaos. You can't be with them 24/7 and get no sleep yourselves.

@rookiemere I can't go the next two weekends and have told DF so. I'm away down south for work all week and it's not fair on DH and the boys if I'm gone part of the weekend too. The following week is MIL's birthday and I know DF thinks I should just let DH and the boys go without me, but that isn't happening. The worst that will happen is that DGM will have a couple of weekends without visits. She has a cleaner/home help who will visit and sort the laundry mountain if we ask and of course pay, so we can get that side of things covered. DF doesn't like doing that because he thinks hospital staff will judge us as a family for outsourcing things, hence he feels we should do it. But if he is feeling too unwell to go, he will have to call her.