Finding it tough at times with elderly mum

[rottweilersrock]

My mum is 87, and she has also got noticeably more anxious lately. She panics about the slightest thing and definitely seems to be getting a bit more confused. She can get very tearful at times, and will build things up to be a big problem when they needn’t be. It’s hard to see the changes in an elderly parent, especially when they’ve always been so strong and independent.
My mum lives with us in an adjoining annexe, so I am always around for her, but it’s tough at times. I find myself getting frustrated when she gets herself in a state over an easily solved problem. Then I feel guilty about feeling that way.
Just now she was in floods of tears because she had a doctors appointment booked for tomorrow and I can’t take her. I told her when she booked the appointment that I couldn’t take her, and suggested she change it for a time that I could do.
She didn’t change it and said she’d contact dial-a-ride. She’s not been able to get hold of them, so was sobbing and asking if she could ask my son to take her. I said I didn’t know if he was available, and that she would really struggle anyway to get in and out of his small car. She hadn’t phoned the doctor to change the appointment as she didn’t want to mess them around.
I phoned and changed appointment for her with no problems.
The doctor gave her some medication last week (water tablets) but she’s not taken it yet as she wants to speak to him about another issue first. This is quite common- she will get prescribed something, but then reads the possible side effects and won’t take it.
Not sure what my point is with this post! I guess I just needed to ‘talk’ to someone who understands how hard it can be.
Thanks for listening!

I totally get it. I live with my mum now, and it is hard work. I hate myself (quite often) for being short with her, but also feel that I can't just soak up all of the really trivial conversations about someone's daughter's baby and being asked to do things I know she can do.

I feel I should move out but If I do it's going to have to be a long way off because she lives in the outskirts of London which is silly money, plus not a very nice place to live. I was living in a lovely area but 3 hrs drive away, which meant a lot of tiring trips to fix stuff.

Don't know what the point of my comment is really, except yeah, it's hard and there really are no solutions, which makes it harder 🙁

It is really tough. I was in a similar situation with my own mum for many years after my dad died - even to the extent that she lived in our annex. With my mum dementia played a part in the anxiety and lack of reason and made it impossible to reassure her. I really do feel for you.

If you haven't found it yet the Cockroach Cafe here on this board was a life saver for me. For those times when you didn't want to start a full thread but if you didn't tell someone you would scream.

Thank you both for replying. It does make a difference to know that others understand what you are going through.
I will check out the Cockroach Cafe too!

Are you me? I have taken over making my DM’s appointments so that they’re at times I know I’m available. My best friend is a geriatric nurse and tells me that making mountains out of molehills is very common in the elderly. You’re far from alone, OP.

OP, I would swear that I was writing this, everything you're writing sounds just like what's happening with my mother as well.
It bothers me a lot that she gets so upset about small things and turns molehills into mountains. I worry that when she actually does have some sort of a "real" problem, it'll be catastrophic to her (if it would be difficult for anyone else).
I got frustrated with her being so anxious about everything and making everything into such a big deal, even the tiniest errand turns into a giant deal... But I also feel guilty for feeling this way and I feel bad that this is the reality inside of her mind. I try to feel empathy and try to make her life a little easier whenever I can but, I feel like the cost is my mental health. I get so frustrated and despondent sometimes.
Well wishes to you... I'm sorry I don't have anything more productive to say

My mother is 88 and is like this. Everything is becoming a huge issue for her and she’s very anxious about everything. I have some difficult things going on in my life and it’s really too much for me cope with .

Could someone link to the cockroach cafe?

My late mother was like this in the last few years of her life, probably started around the age yours is now. I’m afraid it was very difficult and only got worse. I’m quite a patient woman and had no trouble being patient with my children but I struggled with my mum, I guess the dynamic of, at times, a difficult relationship. It was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and very much affected my physical and mental health, I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover. I lived very close and was literally in her house (she lived alone with minimal other help) practically all the time in the 2 years before she was hospitalised and then moved to a care home as the drs (and myself) felt she shouldn’t be living alone.

What particularly struck me about your post was the issues around medication. My mum was the same. She had a heart condition that caused various symptoms but she put all of them down to side effects of medication that she didn’t take regularly (she forgot, refused even if reminded, say she would take later but wouldn’t, carer had already given it (they hadn’t they weren’t allowed) lots of excuses). She would say she’d take her inhalers regularly but she didn’t. She would read the patient leaflet side effects which confirmed her belief in side effects. She was very anxious around it all. The dr wanted to medicate for that but I doubt she’d have accepted a diagnosis of anxiety. Little things would be very difficult. The care home nurse said they had ways to encourage residents to take medication. They hadn’t met my mum at that stage…. She gave them the run around with that and still didn’t take her meds regularly or at all. I cried many many tears over that. She was really quite abusive if I challenged her about it.

It’s awful watching this happen to your parents. In the end I had to distance myself from her once she was safe and well looked after in the care home (which wasn’t near my home). I had 2 teens doing a levels and GCSEs who needed me and a wonderful husband. But for my own sanity and safety (she had become verbally and, at times, physically abusive though she was tiny) I had to distance myself. She died 6 months ago, she was miserable in those last few years. I feel I did my best but it was never enough.

I offer you sympathy as it’s such a difficult time. You are not alone.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5428508-cockroach-cafe-winter-2025

I understand!

I cared for my Dad by video link until.that was unsustainable due to dementia, falls and inability to look after his catheter.

Then he chose to live with us, from the options. He did that for two years until that became unsustainable too.

In the period he was with us we identified a good care home fit for him and he had some respite stays there to give us a break and to start the familiarisation.

Dad almost left us in the summer of 2025, but recovered. He now needs 24/7 care so we moved him into the care home.

I know everyone says theyd never want to be in one,but honestly, there comes a time where care needs to be professional to maintain best life quality and routine with social interactions is actually what they need. Certainly Dad has settled well and I would say that hes better than he was cognitively because he has the constant support to help him be as independent as he can and activities to keep his mind active.

Good luck...its exhausting!

Sympathies op. Very draining. Mine same. 83. Goes nowhere. Negative negative. I dread calling some wks. She not into clubs but it would get her out. Im mentally drained. Siblings same

Luckily my 86 year olds FIL still very independent at moment agrees with you - he said find him the poshest one with the nicest staff and best rooms and food I can if ever needed -

Pleased he agrees! Its good to have the conversation so that if you feel guilty you can counteract that knowing you are meeting their wishes.

My Dads out today with some of the key worker staff. Hes in a local pub, about 100 metres from where he was born and grew up, and the pub was an old haunting ground of his.

In the past week hes has christmas singers visit - junior school, local male voice choir and a keyboard player. Thats on top of other activities - there seems to be a main and a smaller activity everyday (except Sunday).

All of this among 2 district nurse visits, and 5 nights of being awake most of the time.

Honestly, the decision was sooo hard at the time. But it was absolutely the right one for him and me too. They earn every penny. Now if I cry its tears of relief hes happy, not exhaustion.

Mine is like this although thankfully lives a couple of hours away rather than next door, otherwise I think I’d go insane!

I’m not sure how feasible it is, given where she lives, but could you be less available? I encourage mine to talk to other people and limit the phone calls I make as it’s so draining.

I agree - it’s about the right setting for the right stage to some extent and I think the problem is many elderly people have maybe only seen poor examples, ( of which there are many) when the reality is that with the right place they may actually get more support, more company, better balanced diet, less worry about being on their own and having accidents at night etc - I think one issue is these days a lot less people who don’t have dementia and are just needing support and care go into purely residential care homes , partly through the sheer cost and rules around it, meaning many people not yet elderly only get to visit places with more nursing care needed and more demands and yes can be sadly depressing and chaotic places at times

There are definitely poor examples. Probably far too many. I dont know how that culture can be changed now the model has moved from charity or council led (where there would at least be a chance to improve the culture) to privately owned (where, once they do just enough to satisfy CQC, shareholders take priority).

My mum is like this too. It’s exhausting.
DH and I have had a tough year ourselves but she’s just not interested. She has stock lines and phrases she uses to ask us how we are but she’s not really interested and turns the conversation round to herself.
Most of our phone calls are 30 mins of her listing every single thing she’s done followed by complaints about how she never sees anyone. The reality is she has a busy life with lots of friends but it’s NEVER enough. I spend most of the time blandly making placating noises. 😕

@Guidanceplease20 yep ,

Oh wow, I think mine must have got the script from the same place as yours!

@rottweilersrock read and nodding in agreement. My mother is 88 also on water tablets. I’m guessing your mother’s heart isn’t pumping as it used to and fluid is building up. Take it from me you must get her to take those tablets. Mine has stopped twice. Each time has ended up with the legs being so heavy that she has had a fall . Consequence a trip to A&E and between 36 and 50 hours on a trolley in a corridor. I have been called back from
a foreign holiday twice in the last 2 years.

If your mum is like mine, she couldn’t get to the toilet in time. I supplied her adult sized pull ups. She was wetting herself and not using the pull ups. Wasn’t drinking enough water . I begged her to have a commode saying she did not have to use it but it could be therefore emergency use. Would not listen to me.

After last hospital visit physio sent her home with commode and adult nappies and told her not to get out of bed unsupervised. Now has carers 4 times a day.

Has anyone explored prescriptions for anti anxiety medication for this type of behaviour?.
90 yr old DF like this. In relatively good health lives alone. Carers come in to give meds and make a sandwich- I do all other life admin.
It’s upsetting to see them so unnecessarily distressed about minor issues. He wakes up in the night worrying about things and phones me. it was 3am last night.
I was wondering if a mild antidepressant or anti anxiety medication would help?

I think the anti-anxiety medication would be a good idea…

My MIL went like that. Mountain out of a molehill about everything. Tried my patience beyond anything I thought was humanly possible.

Examples - had a flipping meltdown as the emergency plumber was coming at 9am to unblock her toilet (don't flush massive incontinence pants people!) but that was the exact minute she HAD to do her daily shopping at the little shop 5 minutes along the road. Could not be convinced that shopping at 10am wouldn't kill her. Missed the appointment and expected me to sort it all out.

Broke her washing machine, refused to stay in for the new one getting delivered as she had to post a letter. After 'toiletgate' I told her if she doesn't stay in, there will be no new washing machine and I won't be helping her buy another one and she'll be losing the £500 for the first one.

I think you have to get tough and not pander, took me a long time to get that way but I had to treat her like a whining toddler in the end. I also found that if I solved one issue, there was a whole other insignificant thing in the queue ready to be her next focus so there wasn't really any point sorting stuff out for her. It was almost like she wanted a drama to moan about to all and sundry.

And as for medication, I now understand why I can never get a GP appointment, she was never out the place with irrelevant questions about her various pills and potential rare side effects she didn't have. We ended up hiding the side effects leaflet when we collected her prescriptions. Sadly didn't stop her deciding to take up drinking grapefruit juice as her pill labels told her to (they actually said no grapefruit juice but she wouldn't listen to me).

I was going to say the same about GPs. Is my father in laws and my GPs full of families of younger immigrants? Nope, it’s full of older Brits who if anything like my 86 year old FIL are making appointments and going in questioning that his blood pressure drops after going for a walk ( to a perfectly normal level) etc or that his knuckles seem to swell up a bit when it’s cold - there’s an awful lot of anxious worried relatively well people out there and I think Covid really exacerbated this chronic health anxiety as unfortunately has the internet . .

I feel for you and could have written this myself. Mum also lives in our annex. She has health problems and is at the point where she would need carers in every day to help her with household tasks. I don't mind physically cleaning house, changing sheets etc but the mental burden of absorbing all her worries, anxieties, bitchiness towards others, complaints, unhappiness, loneliness is too much. She does little to help herself in that respect and has rewritten history now, saying she used to get out and meet people and would join groups but blames her health for preventing this now. The reality is she has never made any real effort and so is now very isolated and lonely. There are relatives who phone her and arrange to see her occasionally but she very much expects them to do all the running. She very rarely phones them for instance. She then ALWAYS finds something unpleasant to say about them- they've put on weight, mollycoddle their kids, haven't decorated their house nice 🙄. I wonder what she says about me behind my back. I basically try to jolly her along, point out the good things, explain the opposite view but it's exhausting. I find I spend as little time as possible with her now. I don't tell her anything that's happening in my or my children's lives. It's a very sad situation. My brother has been NC with all of us for my years. I used to feel sorry for my mum because of this but I now completely understand why he is.

I am 76, and fairly laid back and generally not a worrier. But I do think back to when I was young with a large family and usually more than one foster child. I don’t think I worried about anything! Christmas time my brother and his wife and three children plus my parents all coming to stay, not a problem! Gave my parents our room and the rest of us just managed! My mum would be worried about it, and I couldn’t understand why. Now if my daughter is coming to visit I can’t sleep. I don’t know why, it’s really not a problem, and once she’s here I am fine. It seems from all the comments on here that it’s a part of aging.