MIL learned helplessness, FIL enables

[Givemeabreak974]

My in-laws aren't even 70 yet. I have known them since they were 40 years old and they acted the same even then.
My mil has some mobility, balance problems that she has had since birth. These did not hold her back in any way as a child and she was able to get a job in an office.
As soon as she met fil, they got married and she got pregnant with my husband and she finished work age 24. Has never worked since. They went on to have 3 children altogether.
My FIL does everything, for her and for the home. I mean everything. She doesn't lift a finger. She also feigns multiple illnesses. When the children were small she also made a massive deal of their illnesses , being over dramatic and saying they are allergic to things that they werent. Still does this now.
All of the family ignore this behaviour, but FIL completely enables it. We thought he just did it for an easy life but he wont have a word said against her. And he makes a lot of excuses for her and makes such a fuss of her when she is "ill".
As always happens in these situations, his health has started to fail and she is absolutely fine. He is currently in hospital having a serious operation. Will be in for a month.
This means that not only are we visiting him but are having to look after her. Shopping, cooking, cleaning , lifts to hospital (she never learned to drive). The thing is she can 100% do these things herself if she had to!!! I think we should encourage her to do so but my husband wont. She isn't even paying him for the shopping as doesn't deal with the money!!
They dont have bank cards or mobile phones , they still go to the post office to withdraw money and pay bills. It concerns me greatly of what will happen to her if FIL passes away first. The way she acts she would need to go into supported accommodation or a residential care home but there is nothing wrong with her!!! She has so much life to live but chooses not to!! Its so frustrating

Agree that your main issue here is stopping your husband become FIL number 2.

Yes, she will be your charge.

a shame we can have all these info before getting married! Lol

but in your case, you did. You just didn’t put 1 + 1. I am sorry for FIL.

No way she can stop that. He will most likely take his dad place.

If she had a job which she only gave up because of marriage and managed to bring up children and take them to school and back then she was obviously quite capable of doing normal things. It seems she has been enabled to be helpless in a co-dependent situation.

She can go into a sheltered housing or retirement-type situation when FIL is no longer there if she has the money where she would have things done for her.

My uncle Charlie was like this.

he grew up in a house with three other siblings. Two married and two didn’t.

him and uncle Joe lived all their lives in what had been the family home and then retired together down to Bournemouth where my grandma and granddad lived (grandma was his sister).

uncle Joe did everything for him. When he had to go into a care home (stroke) Charlie was completely lost, he was 77 and couldn’t cook or do laundry and had no idea of how to pay bills.

he’d worked as a painter and decorator for what was London county council for forty years.

my grandma got him into a care home and his and Joe’s house was sold and the money split between them. He was there for a couple of years before he died and by all accounts was very sociable and popular.

Totally agree. This is classic ASD presentation, speaking as a parent of someone with autism. The dysfunction is internal - auto meaning self - and not easily spotted from the outside. Dependence on a loved one allows them to function. Many women of your mil’s age have not been diagnosed op. Their difficulties were previously explained as “nerves”.

Not going out unaccompanied. Not involving herself with gc, could be consistent with an ND diagnosis.

At least consider it as a possibility op. Very few people choose to live such a limited live. It may look like she can help it, but maybe she is facing struggles that you can’t see?

I used to work with a woman, in her thirties at the time, who wouldn’t do anything for herself. Her dh picked her up and dropped her off anywhere she wanted to go. He handled all the money, he decided on holidays and big purchases. She couldn’t even turn the heating on.
Nit an age thing in their case, she just liked being babied, took it as a compliment as proof of how much she was loved.
Just watch your dh doesn’t get earmarked to step into fils shoes.

Wow, you have summed that up beautifully.
X

She will never change now at this age .

Put her into a home/assisted living.

Yes agree with latest responses. It doesn’t really matter why she and FIL are the way they are, you’re not going to change things at their age and getting angry about it doesn’t achieve anything.

No use getting frustrated, it is what it is. I do think she seems ND. I work in the industry and have two ND children.
You need to be focussing your energy on getting a rock solid plan ready to put her into some sort of care home if FIL goes first (and he will).
Don't pick her character apart, you need everyone on your side with this. Proactive and to the point; come on everyone we all know dear, dear MIL will need the upmost support and care! Wonderful FIL has done such a fine job supporting her we need to make sure she is looked after if properly if he goes first.
Make it clear you are doing this FOR MIL. For her benefit, not yours. Make the plan with FIL, the siblings and DH.
A care home with the family managing her money for her is what is needed for everyone's sanity. No plan and your DH is absolutely FIL no 2.

She’s not even 70 yet. She could easily live another 30 years. That’s a huge care home bill. Assisted living perhaps. But a care home seems an unlikely solution.

What you've described from her being babied, and then palmed off to her husband who has taken care of her, and how she can't go anywhere alone even to the shops 100 yards away really does sound like undiagnosed neurodivergence in an elderly lady. Restricted and/or repetetive behaviours, rigid routines and schedules, social anxiety. Obviously we wouldn't know for sure, we are mumsnet, and can only go off what you tell us, but it really does sound like she's had social scaffolding around her by her family because she's not been able to cope since childhood, but is of a generation where this was not really well understood or diagnosed in women.

Her husband sounds lovely, and sounds like a solid partner for her, but we all age. She probably will need some adult social care support if her husband goes into a care home.

You're right, she probably is physically capable of doing things for herself, but being physically capable and mentally capable are 2 different things.

Thats correct. I was a 1950s child and my age group were not brought up to expect to rely on a man, though we did mostly expect to get married. All have jobs and are financially aware, whether or not they took time out to care for children.

I disagree. I’m from the same era and I’ve come across quite a few women who were brought up like this.

We have one of these. Talked until we were blue in the face about how she really needed to learn to use a cashpoint, go on a bus, blah, blah, blah...

"My boys will look after me" was her mantra and they always ignored everything we said and I was seriously worried about it.

Sadly, she declined into dementia and made Fil's life really very hard. He'd always babied her but she was competent at cleaning, reheating food, etc but instead of the glorious retirement he'd imagined travelling the world on his massive pension, he became her 24/7 carer, with variable results.

He's now still organising her, even though she's in a carehome.

Duck and cover, look at scaffolding support for her. Do not take her on and no, she will not ever step up and change.

I'm 69 and it's not a generational thing. I wasn't brought up to rely on a man like that.
Even my mother , born 100 years ago managed all her own banking, could drive before she met my Dad, learned how to email, text, order groceries online. She set up care for herself, as she became frailer and had s stair lift put in as she was having problems getting upstairs.

Interesting. I am very late fifties so perhaps that is the difference.

Yes, and a lot of people around my age (late 30s-40s) I know have recently been diagnosed with AuDHD, for example; this wouldn't have been possible for her. It is also possible she has brain fog/early dementia, but stress can make people even worse. My mum had managed things herself, but became reliant on us as she got older, so we had to do a lot to help her to remain at home. Hopefully the money will be paid back very soon, but if you need it sooner, maybe FIL could add husband to an account, if he is well enough to do this online in hospital.

My mam same op babied. 80s. Its very draining. Has no wifi so we do online stuff. Her bus routes cut we Dublin so more ferrying her round. Keep your parents independent or it will be like me and the op. Even dentist she let me ring them)

It's not everyone of that age though is it? My DM is 85. She had a career, still drives, does her own shopping and housework etc. Very financially savvy. She is very much not helpless at all.

It most certainly is not generational.

Yet more mindless ageist crap on MN.

Your lucky Apollo its hard when they helpless. My dad "minded" her so everything done for her. So more pressure on us now. Ive 2 siblings thank god we all help