MIL learned helplessness, FIL enables

[Givemeabreak974]

My in-laws aren't even 70 yet. I have known them since they were 40 years old and they acted the same even then.
My mil has some mobility, balance problems that she has had since birth. These did not hold her back in any way as a child and she was able to get a job in an office.
As soon as she met fil, they got married and she got pregnant with my husband and she finished work age 24. Has never worked since. They went on to have 3 children altogether.
My FIL does everything, for her and for the home. I mean everything. She doesn't lift a finger. She also feigns multiple illnesses. When the children were small she also made a massive deal of their illnesses , being over dramatic and saying they are allergic to things that they werent. Still does this now.
All of the family ignore this behaviour, but FIL completely enables it. We thought he just did it for an easy life but he wont have a word said against her. And he makes a lot of excuses for her and makes such a fuss of her when she is "ill".
As always happens in these situations, his health has started to fail and she is absolutely fine. He is currently in hospital having a serious operation. Will be in for a month.
This means that not only are we visiting him but are having to look after her. Shopping, cooking, cleaning , lifts to hospital (she never learned to drive). The thing is she can 100% do these things herself if she had to!!! I think we should encourage her to do so but my husband wont. She isn't even paying him for the shopping as doesn't deal with the money!!
They dont have bank cards or mobile phones , they still go to the post office to withdraw money and pay bills. It concerns me greatly of what will happen to her if FIL passes away first. The way she acts she would need to go into supported accommodation or a residential care home but there is nothing wrong with her!!! She has so much life to live but chooses not to!! Its so frustrating

Perhaps it's a mental health issue that only she and your father-in-law are aware of, and whatever they're doing is a coping mechanism. It's probably more complex than it seems. Maybe you could help to build her confidence up?

She could be neurodivergent and find things like hospital trips impossible to cope with. Or as PP said a mental health issue. I think it's rather patronising to call it learned helplessness when there are clearly deep seated issues that you will not be fully familiar with. You only know what they let you see, you have no idea of her private health matters, there could be more to this.

It sounds like you consider her a burden and you don't seem very kind in your wording. I hope other family members are more supportive for her sake.

Very very common but I do understand the frustration. My auntie and uncle were very similar, she cooked a bit but that was about it. As I got older I realised just how much untreated mental ill health, trauma, problems and abuse growing up there had been.

I very much doubt she’ll be able to change her behaviour quickly at a difficult time. What do the other siblings do to support and help.

Could you find her things to do now she has a month on her own? OAP groups etc.

She just simply has to learn. Show her how to do inernet shopping, get her a bank set up. Tell her its not about her anymore its about helping her husband. My nan was the same, my grandad did everything when he died she was left and didnt have a clue how to do anything all fell on her kids to teach her. Sad really as my grandad was panicking how she would cope on his deathbed!

She’s very unlikely to change now. Your goals for her - to develop confidence and autonomy - are not remotely aligned with what she wants which is to remain dependent and cared for.

this is a common issue in mental health settings where it’s referred to as ‘secondary gains’ and why it can be hard to help someone who has a longstanding attachment to the ‘sick’ role.

i wouldn’t personally be running around doing things for her though, let your husband do it if that’s what he wants

Im sorry if I sound harsh but its the reality. She was babied by her family when young, she was the youngest , then handed over to FIL who does the same. She is also very open about all of her medical stuff, its all.she ever talks about. She wants to attention on her at all times. The other siblings and family members feel the same way and get very frustrated with FIL for allowing it to come to this. Their lives have always been very small, neither have ever had a passport or left the country.
Fil is run into the ground and won't be here much longer at this rate , her sisters have very little to do with her because of it. My husband is the one who helps the most. But allowing FIL to do all of this will cause her more issues in the long run.

This is how many of my in-laws are, who I now recognise as autistic (following the diagnoses of most of their grandchildren). No obvious physical or intellectual disabilities that would explain why they can’t do basic things - but they honestly, genuinely can’t. Also talk A LOT about medically unexplained health issues, have very small lives, focus almost entirely on themselves & can’t really relate to others.

Same to some extent with my autistic DH. My family are convinced I enable him - but over 20 years I have tried everything to encourage him to take the most basic rudimentary care of his body and his immediate environment and he honestly just can’t, and will sink into torpor and chaos if left to his own devices. He is incredibly intelligent, with advanced degrees, etc. But really struggles to stay in work and finds much of daily life unbearably difficult. Lots of paradoxes - he works as a computer programmer but cannot for the life of him handle the basic tech of everyday life, like banking apps and his workplace intranet and ordering things online. Overwhelmed by the task of buying his own clothes, etc. Becomes intensely distressed and frustrated with his inability to do this stuff - in the way a child might.

I do worry a lot about what will happen to him (and our DC) if I go first.

How did he have the wherewithal to meet and date and marry you?
not being snippy but he must have been pretty functional at one time?

Post office and cash economy do work.
My mum is 80 and struggles with internet stuff.

if she can’t/won’t clean get a cleaner in - they want cash anyway.

can she walk to shops?

You can’t change this - it’s too late and too deeply ingrained. She is very lucky that your husband, her son, is close by to help her. At the very least they should be paying for their groceries though - that’s something you and your husband can insist on. But don’t waste your time and energy on imagining that any actions on your part can change her overall attitude to her own life. Just spend short bursts of time with her, so you don’t feel too frustrated, and help your husband to engage as much social assistance as possible where needed. She has made her choices in life, and so has your FIL. They suit them, for better or worse. All you can control is your reactions to them.

Yes she could walk to the shop 100 yards away from their house , but never has done. She doesn't leave the house unless accompanied.

She could also get a taxi to places but again has never and never will. She did walk to school and collect the children 30 years ago but once they grew up so stopped everything.
They have lots of grandchildren that FIL does everything for and she does nothing, barely sees them. My kids feel it deeply

I would advise against telling her it's not about her anymore as PP suggested. You will make her feel small and unloved, she may soon lose her husband and you have no idea of the personal dynamics of the relationship. I knew of someone like this and they kept themselves inept so the husband could seem heroic ro others. Whatever you think is going on, it may have been the foundation of their relationship. Maybe she made him feel needed and her seeming ineptitude had been the basis for a long marriage and now she's too unwell to manage.

Just be aware that you aren't necessarily seeing what you think you're seeing. It can actually be a form of domestic abuse. Everyone tells the husband how great he is, caring for his sick wife. In truth, she may have reduced herself throughout her life to her own detriment. It's quite common. I hope I'm wrong but she needs compassion not contempt and ridicule.

This sounds so much like my late MIL. she was babied by her family. Her husband had ill health so he sister ended up doing so much for them, along with carers. When her husband and sister died she had carers. She died last year and sadly, isn't much missed. I don't know what the answer is. I think it is mental health.

All you can do is decide on your own response. You can't insist she does things, or that your DH leaves her to it. All you can do is say, 'I'm too busy to help your DM out, Dave. Either you'll have to do it or she'll have to manage. It's not my monkey I'm afraid'. Or similar. If you resent helping and think she can cope then just step back and draw your lines.

Seems like a silly and odd way to run things. But that's their problem. You now need to be careful your husband or you end up being FIL number 2. You need to start putting boundaries in, especially if there is nothing wrong with her

She sounds ND.

If she was a bit helpless and useless but a warm and kind mother and grandmother, I'd cut her some slack. However, she sounds utterly self-absorbed and selfish so I would definitely put some boundaries down or your DH will be running around after her like FIL does, leaving everything at home for you to do.

Can your DH take her to the Post Office to withdraw the money to re-pay him/you for the shopping?

Does she have social anxiety?

I think that their set up sounds lovely 🥺, and what a good man standing up for his wife like that. Wish I'd had just someone in my life who wouldnt have a bad word said against me.

Things do need to progress a little as he is sick. It is time for her to get some independence but it needs to come from her son/children and definitely not you

Both my mother and my mother-in-law are like this. I do wonder if it's generational - you were brought up to expect to rely on a man, and rely you did. All lovely and easy, unless of course, he's abusive, and you haven't developed the wherewithal to leave.

You make it very clear from your posts that you really loathe and despise your mother in law. So what if they have ‘small lives’ and have never left the country? I also don’t see the problem in them not having bank cards - my best friend, who is much much younger than your in laws, has never used a debit card and only ever uses cash. It suits her and it’s nothing to do with anyone else how she chooses to spend her money. My mum was the same with taxis and even when I organised a taxi card for her, she would still never use a taxi, but that was her choice. Just because someone chooses to live very differently from you, it doesn’t mean that they are wrong and you are right. One day, you will be your mother in law’s age, and hopefully and partners that your children might have will be a little kinder to you and more tolerant than you are about your in laws.

I agree with this. It isn’t realistic that she’s going to change much, do Internet shopping or use a mobile phone etc. There will be a reason why this dynamic has developed in their relationship that may not be obvious to you. I can see it would be frustrating to you. Let your DH take the lead.

The money side of things needs sorting.

You shouldn’t have to pay for everything when ever your your FIL can’t

That needs to be the priority. I wouldn’t expect much else to change tbh.

Surely this wouldn't be the case for women who are still in their 60s though, like OP's MIL? Possibly this would be relevant for my MIL and mum's generation, born in the 1930s but not for women born in the 1950s.