MIL learned helplessness, FIL enables

[Givemeabreak974]

My in-laws aren't even 70 yet. I have known them since they were 40 years old and they acted the same even then.
My mil has some mobility, balance problems that she has had since birth. These did not hold her back in any way as a child and she was able to get a job in an office.
As soon as she met fil, they got married and she got pregnant with my husband and she finished work age 24. Has never worked since. They went on to have 3 children altogether.
My FIL does everything, for her and for the home. I mean everything. She doesn't lift a finger. She also feigns multiple illnesses. When the children were small she also made a massive deal of their illnesses , being over dramatic and saying they are allergic to things that they werent. Still does this now.
All of the family ignore this behaviour, but FIL completely enables it. We thought he just did it for an easy life but he wont have a word said against her. And he makes a lot of excuses for her and makes such a fuss of her when she is "ill".
As always happens in these situations, his health has started to fail and she is absolutely fine. He is currently in hospital having a serious operation. Will be in for a month.
This means that not only are we visiting him but are having to look after her. Shopping, cooking, cleaning , lifts to hospital (she never learned to drive). The thing is she can 100% do these things herself if she had to!!! I think we should encourage her to do so but my husband wont. She isn't even paying him for the shopping as doesn't deal with the money!!
They dont have bank cards or mobile phones , they still go to the post office to withdraw money and pay bills. It concerns me greatly of what will happen to her if FIL passes away first. The way she acts she would need to go into supported accommodation or a residential care home but there is nothing wrong with her!!! She has so much life to live but chooses not to!! Its so frustrating

My mother is like this. Father adores. Or used to. And did everything for her. Didn’t want her to work.

she didn’t even know how to put fuel in her car until my youngest brother was in his teens. To put that into context he is in his 30s now. So was not that long ago!

she didn’t know how to get cash from an ATM until about the same time.

dad is unwell. And has given up. Doesn’t seem to adore her as much as he did for the last 50 years. The thing is I wonder if he had been covering up her dementia.

What’s going to happen when he goes I just don’t know. Their kids are not close to them in any way. She is going to be on her own. Best thing that could happen if she either goes fast after him, before him or ceases the opportunity for a new lease of life!!!

we won’t be there to pick up the pieces. I guess different to your situation as the kids are rallying around

I’m sure many posters on this thread have very good cause to feel let down by their mothers and mil’s, but I think it’s a bit unfair to always blame the women in every case, because in all of these co-dependent relationships, there is a degree of reward involved for each of the participants.

And I’d like to make the point that it’s not always 100% the woman’s fault when they end up in a very dependent situation.

Of course every individual bears responsibility for their own life.

BUT, some men, even outwardly nice men, don’t like their women in a position where they are completely independent. Especially men who experienced a very controlling childhood themselves.

There is even a type of coercive control I believe where the controlling man, to all intents and purposes, does everything for their partner or spouse, in order to to deny them autonomy, and they do this subtlety, over a number of years; cooking, driving, banking etc.

And then, when they have complete control, and the wives have lost all confidence in themselves, the men turn around and accuse their wives of abandoning the family and not doing enough. This scenario can also involve a degree of parental alienation, and competition for the affection of offspring, so daughters beware!

Agree it's not generational. My grandmothers, born between 1912 and 1915, both worked after marriage and children (after a gap when their children were young) and managed money etc. very competently. My mother and paternal aunts have too. All five of these women valued contributing financially within a happy marriage.

Stop pandering to her. Force to go to the local shop etc.

There was a similar set up with my friends parents. Tbh her health did decline so she ended up needing more help although her husbands health was also poor. Her husband outlived her by a year.

My mum dud everything for my dad (although he worked /paid bills) when she got sick he learnt to hoover, wash, do basic meals. He has managed since she died, I generally do his bills online but he has a bank card and knows how to ‘tap’ it or put the pin in. He does his own shopping .

She will have to be more independent or as you say go into supported living. But even with that there’s often an expectation of some independence.

Pathetic isn’t it, look up psychological terms: A codependent/ enmeshed marriage . It all becomes personally devistaing if the enabler can no longer enable the dependent.

My MIL is a bit like this. My FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a lovely home.
But, for years she has let FIL do everything.
She could drive, she learned in her 40s, and loved the independence it gave her.

But, for the past 25 years, FIL has done all the driving, and now that she has to drive again, understandably, (at 80), it’s really tough for her. Motorway driving is a no-no, which is also understandable.

But my husband and siblings don’t help by still babying her, as though she couldn’t possibly (with practice, and some supervision) drive to Waitrose (up the road), or mow the very small lawn.

Poor FIL had been masking his dementia for a long time, we know that now, and had some fairly serious financial difficulties.
MIL was fully aware of this and just let it drift, until my husband accidentally found out what had happened.
They were still paying insurance for phones they no longer had, had 3 credit cards maxed out, and paying the minimum payment for each one. It just went on and on, the more my husband delved into it.
They were basically a gnats wing away from bankruptcy, and MIL still just let ‘Dad’ deal with it. My husband had to take ‘her’ credit card away, cos she treated it like free money, and just used it willy-nilly.
The credit card that she promised not to use anymore, since the other 3 were maxed out.
She knows how they work, she’s not a buffoon, but, yep, let ‘Dad’ sort it out.

There are absolutely no cognitive impairments for her. She’s as sharp as a tack, actually.

My MIL is a bit like this. My FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a lovely home.
But, for years she has let FIL do everything.
She could drive, she learned in her 40s, and loved the independence it gave her.

But, for the past 25 years, FIL has done all the driving, and now that she has to drive again, understandably, (at 80), it’s really tough for her. Motorway driving is a no-no, which is also understandable.

But my husband and siblings don’t help by still babying her, as though she couldn’t possibly (with practice, and some supervision) drive to Waitrose (up the road), or mow the very small lawn.

Poor FIL had been masking his dementia for a long time, we know that now, and had some fairly serious financial difficulties.
MIL was fully aware of this and just let it drift, until my husband accidentally found out what had happened.
They were still paying insurance for phones they no longer had, had 3 credit cards maxed out, and paying the minimum payment for each one. It just went on and on, the more my husband delved into it.
They were basically a gnats wing away from bankruptcy, and MIL still just let ‘Dad’ deal with it. My husband had to take ‘her’ credit card away, cos she treated it like free money, and just used it willy-nilly.
The credit card that she promised not to use anymore, since the other 3 were maxed out.
She knows how they work, she’s not a buffoon, but, yep, let ‘Dad’ sort it out.

There are absolutely no cognitive impairments for her. She’s as sharp as a tack, actually.

My MIL is a bit like this. My FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a lovely home.
But, for years she has let FIL do everything.
She could drive, she learned in her 40s, and loved the independence it gave her.

But, for the past 25 years, FIL has done all the driving, and now that she has to drive again, understandably, (at 80), it’s really tough for her. Motorway driving is a no-no, which is also understandable.

But my husband and siblings don’t help by still babying her, as though she couldn’t possibly (with practice, and some supervision) drive to Waitrose (up the road), or mow the very small lawn.

Poor FIL had been masking his dementia for a long time, we know that now, and had some fairly serious financial difficulties.
MIL was fully aware of this and just let it drift, until my husband accidentally found out what had happened.
They were still paying insurance for phones they no longer had, had 3 credit cards maxed out, and paying the minimum payment for each one. It just went on and on, the more my husband delved into it.
They were basically a gnats wing away from bankruptcy, and MIL still just let ‘Dad’ deal with it. My husband had to take ‘her’ credit card away, cos she treated it like free money, and just used it willy-nilly.
The credit card that she promised not to use anymore, since the other 3 were maxed out.
She knows how they work, she’s not a buffoon, but, yep, let ‘Dad’ sort it out.

There are absolutely no cognitive impairments for her. She’s as sharp as a tack, actually.

I don’t know why that posted 3 times. My phone keeps doing that.

I don’t know why that posted 3 times. My phone keeps doing that.

My Dad says ‘minded’ in that context, too. He’s a Dublin man.

@Philandbill women have always had to do as the women in my and your families did, maybe it was working class women who had to stretch the budget and make sure that the bills were paid, the children fed and clothed etc. when family allowance was introduced Eleanor Rathbone insisted that it was paid to the mothers who would use it for the children, rather to the father's as some fathers would use it on other things.
I've known women older than me (but younger than my mum) who were not allowed by their husband to learn to drive, and I imagine has they rebelled and learned anyway, they wouldn't have been allowed to drive his car anyway.
It can sometimes be control for sure

Different now as most homes two out working. So nobody can take it on long term. You lucky if a parent is independent though

Presumably if this is the case, then all the bank accounts, utility bills etc and so forth are in FIL's name only. She literally won't be able to do a thing if he passes away so the first thing to do is to get POA in place for both and sort things out so that when he does eventually pass on, probate can be executed quickly and she will have sufficient funds in her own name to be able to cover bills.

Then it's likely to be assisted living. That's the reality unless you think your husband is planning to run around sorting every little thing to the detriment of his own family. You need to sit him down and make gentle concerned enquiries and message this isn't sustainable long term. She's not suddenly going to become capable of any of it at 70 if she's avoided it thus far and her children need to start managing her expectations assuming the funds are not available to provide her with a driver/gardener and housekeeper/administrator.