Elderly mum needs a shoulder replacement and wants me to do her care afterwards but I’m not up to it

[Cardiganwearer]

DM is 80. She fell on her shoulder and broke it in Feb 2023. The hospital just put her arm in a sling and hoped it would heal. It hasn’t at all, the bones are not near each other to be able to heal as far as I can understand. She is in terrible pain as you can imagine. She hoped to get away with injections as she did not want an operation with a GA as she has many other serious conditions (heart failure, stage 3 kidney disease, rheumatoid arthritis, unstable high blood pressure, under active thyroid) But yesterday she was told that injections might make her arm useless and the only thing to do is a total shoulder replacement.

She was widowed 4 years ago when my DF died. So lives alone now. When she first broke the arm she stayed with my DSis for 2 weeks broken by a weekend at her home with me staying with her. My sis was going crazy so I got meals on wheels and a fall alarm etc sorted so she could move back. She has now asked for me and my sister to look after her like we did after her original fall when she has the operation. But things are all different now. My sister has an ill teenager who is pretty much housebound and in no way could they cope with my M there again. DSis also cannot leave DN unless his dad is there and he works very long hours.

So that leaves me, effectively. She cannot come to my house (stairs, no downstairs loo, no spare bedroom) and we would all go crazy. We are me, DH and DD 17, doing A levels. DH has fragile mental and physical health and is massively affected by any stress and a very private person to boot. For all of our sakes, it is absolutely no go. I would also worry she would never leave!

So that leaves me pretty much moving in with her for however long. Our relationship is pretty dreadful although she is fairly oblivious. Everything is fine if you ignore it! I actually went LC with her in July 2024 because I couldn’t stand the belittling and nastiness anymore. She would shout at me if I suggested things to help (eg LPA, antidepressants for DF, pharmacy deliveries instead of walking miles to the chemist in all weathers) so I stopped trying to help and stepped right back. I actually had chronic pain in the skin on my arm and pelvic pain that has disappeared since going LC. She was massively affecting my health, both physical and mental. I have always been the scapegoat and my sis the favourite. This has extended to the grandchildren too. So when DF died and then my DSis was largely out of circulation, she took all her unhappiness out on me. This has been my role since I was 5 when DSis was born. The dumping ground, the emotional punchbag. M is repeating her own family patterns. She was also the oldest daughter with a favourite younger sister. She complains long and loud about this while seeing no parallels whatsoever.

The weekend I was with her, I felt I was disappearing, being erased. My personality, my interests are not acceptable to her. My DH and DD visited and I cried the whole time because I wanted to go home with them. (Completely involuntary, I am not a crier). DM would not help me with the children (I have another grown up DC) when I had life threatening post natal depression and in fact made things a lot worse. It’s lucky I’m still here. I had to have counselling to cope with her behaviour. She did childcare for my DSis of course!!

I feel weakened by the post natal depression which I had for about 6 years. It doesn’t take much at all to slide back into suicidal ideation. DH thinks doing her care would break me again.

I feel I would last a day max looking after her. And how long would it be? How long is a piece of string? Will all her other health problems? And then I’m Carer. Even if our relationship was perfect, I am not a nurse in anyway and have a repulsion of doing personal care.

So I’m going to have to tell her today, that I can’t. I’m willing to do cleaning, laundry, shopping, admin, sorting care but not the care itself. I feel very guilty as you can imagine. I feel I have been telling her by not going oh, I’ll look after you Mum! Whenever surgery has been mentioned. But no, it will need to be explicit clearly.

I don’t know what I want from writing this really. Some info about how your olds got on with a shoulder replacement. Some reassurance I’m not a monster for not wanting to do this? It’s so hard.

So sorry to hear this. Please do not step in. You are not equipped to do this. There are plenty of options of help for her and if she refuses them the that is her choice. She does not get the easy option of assuming family will step in. Difficult as it sounds you must put your own oxygen mask on first.

In terms of how you feel I suggest having a look at the following website containing many very useful terms in the glossary relating to behaviours and how we react so as not to appear unkind. Good luck

https://outofthefog.website

With all those health conditions, I'd be amazed if she outlived the NHS waiting list. There are rehab centres for people recovering from joint replacement & no home help. Your truly absolutely don't need to be available for this.

There are a lot of other options.

do not do this.

there are rehab places. NHS will fund six weeks care (daily visits x2 I think) after hospital (reablemebt care)

Its clear that you've got a huge amount on your plate and many reasons for feeling you can't help your Mum (understandably so)

Also - I do feel for you Mum - breaking a bone back in 2023 and still having to deal with that pain must be horrendous. The time you describe in 2024 she must have been in lots of pain then.

I'm sure social services would be able to put together some level of care package which should help. Look for care advice relevant to your area and things vary so much over the country I can't advise you specifics - but she will be entitled to some help Free - also consider if she can afford to pay for some help.

I dont think you mention how far away you all are. Perhaps if you can get a care package in place that covers the bulk of daily help she'll need - then you and perhaps your sister can just do some little extras that can help and is within both of your capacity to be able to offer.

OP, you come across as such a kind, caring person who is juggling so much and dealing with so much. I appreciate your mother has not had an easy ride herself, but she has treated you awfully your whole life, and is miserable even with you helping her, so ultimately she may as well be miserable without your help. You have to put yourself and your family who love you and care for you above someone who might love you in their own way, but sees it as acceptable to treat you like shit. You dont owe ANYONE ANYTHING. Noone is entitled to a place in someone's life, we earn our relationships continuously, you arent locked in from birth then have to put up with all sorts of shit.
And if nothing else, you must think of your kids and DH - you have a responsibility to look after your mental health for them, only you can do that, whereas other people (social services arranged care or otherwise) can look after your mother.
If she is miserable when you do things for you, she will be miserable without, so choose the route that doesn't bring you extra pain.

Thank you all ❤️ She is asking way too much of me. I think she always had my sister so it didn’t matter about being nice to me, but now she needs me because my sis is out of the question.

You’re right @BlueLegume I am not equipped for this, even if we got on well. She has mentioned the rehab places but I don’t know if she would get a place. I am technically available. I expect there would be pressure on me to do it. She doesn’t want to go into a rehab place because she thinks she would never come out 🙄 I’m pretty sure they boot you out when you are fit enough. She also doesn’t want carers and I get that. It must be really scary. But I can’t do it. Maybe if I was sharing the load with DSis, but I’m an only child in effect however encouraging and grateful sis would be from the sidelines. I’m going to get the guilt trip from hell aren’t I?

I think you are doing the right thing but she won’t like it. the best thing would be for her to go to a nursing home / care home for perhaps 6 weeks after the operation.

Can she afford (or would she agree) to book herself into a care home for a few weeks while she recovers (my dm did this after an op., with no encouragement from me!), or get private carers in?
If you don’t think looking after her is do-able, you need to calmly tell her why not (maybe sugar-coat it by saying you and your sister would love to be able to look after her, but it’s just not possible, given family circumstances).

Maybe you could do a bit of research into care homes in the area, or care agencies. You need to remain calm, but firm, and keep reminding her that it’s just not possible for you and your sister to provide the level of care she will need, but that, of course, you will support her in other ways.

@lljkk I thought that as I was writing. But the waiting lists don’t seem too bad here. I think she might get the operation quite quickly. And she is as tough as old boots and very determined and stubborn. She probably needs a pacemaker putting in too, which she has said she will now accept. Sigh, I’d never be away from her house would I?

She should be entitled to post-hospital carer visits, organised by the hospital, short term while she is recovering and potentially longer term council carer visits if she needs ongoing support (though she might need to pay for this depending on her savings). So as much as she may not like that, and may pile on the guilt - you do not have to be there physically looking after her. What you need is emotional support to handle the guilt and pressure so you do not cave in. If you feel uncomfortable putting yourself first, think of it as prioritising your partner and your child, so you can be emotionally present and available for them rather than dealing with mental illness triggered by your mum.

@its2025 I feel for her too. It must be unbelievably painful. She hasn’t been an awful mother all the time. Hence my guilt. She does love me but not as much as my sister. She did admit my sister was her favourite but then afterwards she said she never said that at all, where did I get that from?? She can be very sweet but then will jellyfish you out of nowhere. Her childhood was very abusive so she managed not to do the worst of that to me, but nonetheless I am very damaged. I’ve written tens of thousands of words trying to process everything that has gone on.

Carers

You've done nothing to be guilty about. As others have said, there are things you can organise that will help her .

The main issue with care is that people say they don't want it/carers. Care is based on peoples needs though, not their wants. So if she needs carers she needs carers!

It has to be rehab centre or carers at home. You can't do this without too much collateral damage.
Tbh, I would be surprised if a surgeon would operate particularly with the unstable BP so it may be a moot point anyway and you may be worrying for nothing. Cross the bridge when you come to it? If asked now, say 'there are lots of options to look into when the op date is set'?

As you,say you,can offer one day's care . Perhaps the first day , out of hospital , stay the night but pass care to paid carers coming in before the 2nd night ?
As you say you can do shopping and do her washing clothes , getting medicine etc but no more .

I am half an hour away and I drive. But not happily, I was late to driving and find it very hard and tiring. Going over everyday would take a toll just from the driving. I also don’t work (for pay, gosh I work otherwise) so from an official point of view I am thoroughly available. Truth is I’m holding up my DH, my two DDs (one hopefully off to uni, the other living away but chronically ill and needing A LOT of support, my DSis who is distraught about her DC and feeling her way through all the red tape, and my DM. At slight arms length due to the LC but really it has brought contact down to “normal” levels, we were enmeshed before. I’m just starting HRT too. It’s too much basically.

You need to prioritise your mental well being and family.

Is she financially able to pay for private in home care?

Explain to the hospital and see what they can offer, say you will not be able to look after her, you are too far away and have your own family. Try to get it sorted out in advance and then present it as THE solution, not open to discussion. The care homes can be really nice and I would have thought that was the best option if available.

Thank you everyone, you are really helping. My DH is very worried about me doing her care. He is still traumatised by me being so depressed. I was hardly on this planet, he had to take over everything and did fear for my life. My M’s response was well, you won’t kill yourself if you have to physically look after the children all the time so I’m not looking after them at all. No matter what I was suffering. Then she was furious I got a childminder so I could rest and start to recover. Never mind I was not giving the stimulation children need because I was shut down, I should have been looking after them myself, I wasn’t working!! The irony is she had PND with my sister and I have heard about it since I was very young. M doesn’t think she should keep anything back for children so I knew all their problems etc from a young age. I think it is a case of I suffered, why shouldn’t you? God why don’t I want to look after you mother?

You are not a monster by any account. You need to stand firm on what you know will be the very real impacts on you and your family if you don’t.

your mum will have to have / find an alternative

OP, I can relate to so much of what you wrote - the enmeshment, the demands, the coldness, the feeling that you don't really exist when you're around your mother. Please don't underestimate how harmful all of this is to your mental health. I get it, and it's truly miserable. You don't have to carry on taking it

You know that you are simply not in any position to provide her care. You need to be very clear with your mother - explain what you are prepared to do and then stick to your guns. She will not like it, and there may be rage and guilt trips but stand firm. You have your husband on your side. You do not have to do what your mother expects you to do

And be VERY clear with the hospital that neither you nor anyone in the family are in a position to care for her after discharge. They will expect you to do all of the caring unless you make that explicit

Thanks everyone. I just have to tell her now. She has some savings, but not much above the £23k I imagine. She gladly had carers to help with my dad when he was ill but is averse for herself. I get it. But I can’t do it. She is frightened of care homes. I get that too. She would move in with me or my sister in a heartbeat and think herself no trouble whatever. But everyone else would just move round her to make it look like that.

When she goes into hospital have a pre practiced speech ready for anyone who asks how your dm will manage at home.
I am unable to assist with any care upon dm's discharge..
Rinse and repeat...
The old boot is reaping what she sowed imo. I haven't seen dm since 2012...no surgery will change that.

She has over 23k savings. She’s is more than in a comfortable position to pay for some temporary care after the op.

Stand up for yourself and tell her that it just isn’t on the cards for you to do it and you’ll be looking into private care for her.

Do you know what ? - you don't have to justify anything about why you won't be your mothers carer ,good mother or bad .
She needs far more than one person can give ,her needs may go on for months totally impossible for you to do that every single day plus be on call through the night even if you were willing to do it.
I may be facing similar care duties in the future and i too am repulsed by the thought of personal care , i just don't think i can do it but i can do the practical jobs so don't feel guilty over that .
Spell out in advance to your mom that you alone cannot give what she wants and needs and that carers / temp nursing home etc are the likelihood and leave her to stew over it.
You have to think of yourself and your family in all this too.