Elderly mum needs a shoulder replacement and wants me to do her care afterwards but I’m not up to it

[Cardiganwearer]

DM is 80. She fell on her shoulder and broke it in Feb 2023. The hospital just put her arm in a sling and hoped it would heal. It hasn’t at all, the bones are not near each other to be able to heal as far as I can understand. She is in terrible pain as you can imagine. She hoped to get away with injections as she did not want an operation with a GA as she has many other serious conditions (heart failure, stage 3 kidney disease, rheumatoid arthritis, unstable high blood pressure, under active thyroid) But yesterday she was told that injections might make her arm useless and the only thing to do is a total shoulder replacement.

She was widowed 4 years ago when my DF died. So lives alone now. When she first broke the arm she stayed with my DSis for 2 weeks broken by a weekend at her home with me staying with her. My sis was going crazy so I got meals on wheels and a fall alarm etc sorted so she could move back. She has now asked for me and my sister to look after her like we did after her original fall when she has the operation. But things are all different now. My sister has an ill teenager who is pretty much housebound and in no way could they cope with my M there again. DSis also cannot leave DN unless his dad is there and he works very long hours.

So that leaves me, effectively. She cannot come to my house (stairs, no downstairs loo, no spare bedroom) and we would all go crazy. We are me, DH and DD 17, doing A levels. DH has fragile mental and physical health and is massively affected by any stress and a very private person to boot. For all of our sakes, it is absolutely no go. I would also worry she would never leave!

So that leaves me pretty much moving in with her for however long. Our relationship is pretty dreadful although she is fairly oblivious. Everything is fine if you ignore it! I actually went LC with her in July 2024 because I couldn’t stand the belittling and nastiness anymore. She would shout at me if I suggested things to help (eg LPA, antidepressants for DF, pharmacy deliveries instead of walking miles to the chemist in all weathers) so I stopped trying to help and stepped right back. I actually had chronic pain in the skin on my arm and pelvic pain that has disappeared since going LC. She was massively affecting my health, both physical and mental. I have always been the scapegoat and my sis the favourite. This has extended to the grandchildren too. So when DF died and then my DSis was largely out of circulation, she took all her unhappiness out on me. This has been my role since I was 5 when DSis was born. The dumping ground, the emotional punchbag. M is repeating her own family patterns. She was also the oldest daughter with a favourite younger sister. She complains long and loud about this while seeing no parallels whatsoever.

The weekend I was with her, I felt I was disappearing, being erased. My personality, my interests are not acceptable to her. My DH and DD visited and I cried the whole time because I wanted to go home with them. (Completely involuntary, I am not a crier). DM would not help me with the children (I have another grown up DC) when I had life threatening post natal depression and in fact made things a lot worse. It’s lucky I’m still here. I had to have counselling to cope with her behaviour. She did childcare for my DSis of course!!

I feel weakened by the post natal depression which I had for about 6 years. It doesn’t take much at all to slide back into suicidal ideation. DH thinks doing her care would break me again.

I feel I would last a day max looking after her. And how long would it be? How long is a piece of string? Will all her other health problems? And then I’m Carer. Even if our relationship was perfect, I am not a nurse in anyway and have a repulsion of doing personal care.

So I’m going to have to tell her today, that I can’t. I’m willing to do cleaning, laundry, shopping, admin, sorting care but not the care itself. I feel very guilty as you can imagine. I feel I have been telling her by not going oh, I’ll look after you Mum! Whenever surgery has been mentioned. But no, it will need to be explicit clearly.

I don’t know what I want from writing this really. Some info about how your olds got on with a shoulder replacement. Some reassurance I’m not a monster for not wanting to do this? It’s so hard.

So so sorry to read this. Can you set up home help for her? The hospital may have ideas.

The comment about families of different backgrounds is really unecessary. Caring for an elderly person after a big op is quite a skilled job. The OP and her mother will both need professional support and the hospital will be able to point her towards available resources.

Agree. Although I’m not in the exact same position as OP, I care for my elderly DM who lives with me.

Caregivers from all cultures who do this out of love are amazing to behold and I love and admire how extended families can work to support each other (historically this is how it worked in the UK too,this is how I lived as a young child)...but have you never met the sort of DIL or daughter who are effectively coerced into this role at risk to their own health? it's more often the women of a family who have to make the sacrifices caregiving can entail. In some cultures, families don't want to ask for outside help, especially when the patriarch or matriarch has mental health problems. No one should feel shame for asking for help and knowing their own limits.

OP, I have not rtft.

You are not technically available. You have a huge amount in your plate.

Be kind to yourself

This. My entire fifties so far have been taken up with parent care and I’m 58 now. Grateful I still have my mum, but god it’s hard.

She doesn’t want to go into a rehab place because she thinks she would never come out 🙄 I’m pretty sure they boot you out when you are fit enough

Good Lord of course they will! Clue's in the name. Discharge teams in NHS facilities are pretty aggressive one they have secured the all-important cliical "all-clear" IME.

Are you also someone who would demand of their child to provide care for them simply because you gave birth to them? Have you actually read anything @Cardiganwearer has written about her mother and their relationship?

Obligation to care between parents and children goes only one way . Parent to child. Parents

If an adult child wants to and is able to care for a parent, that of course is kind and lovely, but should NEVER be expected or demanded even where relationships have been healthy and loving.

@Cardiganwearer please look after yourself first and foremost. Your mum isn't kind or loving to you generally, so telling her a flat and determined no and sticking to it isn't going to really change that landscape. If she escalates, set your boundaries and hold them. If she speaks to you disrespectfully leave the room, hang up the phone. If it continues, do not answer the phone or put yourself in a position where its possible for her to have a go at you. Sharing DNA with someone does not give them the right to command, demand from you or abuse you.

Please, take care of yourself.

Do what you reasonably can (a good yardstick is what you would expect a decent MAN in your situation to offer!), but don't put you both at risk.
You wouldn't (at any low price!) hire a carer with your circumstances who had a known difficult relationship with your mum! It would be reckless.

'Do what you reasonably can (a good yardstick is what you would expect a decent MAN in your situation to offer)'

Agree this is an excellent way of giving yourself a fresh perspective on your behaviour and decisions. Helps to blast through the guilt

You are already a carer. This is what you have to keep saying to people, your mum, your sister, and healthcare professionals. Only you can advocate for you. Stand firm.

(She should know relationships work two ways and being abusive doesn’t make people want to care for you. But I understand that might not be something you can bring yourself to say to her.)