Elderly mum needs a shoulder replacement and wants me to do her care afterwards but I’m not up to it

[Cardiganwearer]

DM is 80. She fell on her shoulder and broke it in Feb 2023. The hospital just put her arm in a sling and hoped it would heal. It hasn’t at all, the bones are not near each other to be able to heal as far as I can understand. She is in terrible pain as you can imagine. She hoped to get away with injections as she did not want an operation with a GA as she has many other serious conditions (heart failure, stage 3 kidney disease, rheumatoid arthritis, unstable high blood pressure, under active thyroid) But yesterday she was told that injections might make her arm useless and the only thing to do is a total shoulder replacement.

She was widowed 4 years ago when my DF died. So lives alone now. When she first broke the arm she stayed with my DSis for 2 weeks broken by a weekend at her home with me staying with her. My sis was going crazy so I got meals on wheels and a fall alarm etc sorted so she could move back. She has now asked for me and my sister to look after her like we did after her original fall when she has the operation. But things are all different now. My sister has an ill teenager who is pretty much housebound and in no way could they cope with my M there again. DSis also cannot leave DN unless his dad is there and he works very long hours.

So that leaves me, effectively. She cannot come to my house (stairs, no downstairs loo, no spare bedroom) and we would all go crazy. We are me, DH and DD 17, doing A levels. DH has fragile mental and physical health and is massively affected by any stress and a very private person to boot. For all of our sakes, it is absolutely no go. I would also worry she would never leave!

So that leaves me pretty much moving in with her for however long. Our relationship is pretty dreadful although she is fairly oblivious. Everything is fine if you ignore it! I actually went LC with her in July 2024 because I couldn’t stand the belittling and nastiness anymore. She would shout at me if I suggested things to help (eg LPA, antidepressants for DF, pharmacy deliveries instead of walking miles to the chemist in all weathers) so I stopped trying to help and stepped right back. I actually had chronic pain in the skin on my arm and pelvic pain that has disappeared since going LC. She was massively affecting my health, both physical and mental. I have always been the scapegoat and my sis the favourite. This has extended to the grandchildren too. So when DF died and then my DSis was largely out of circulation, she took all her unhappiness out on me. This has been my role since I was 5 when DSis was born. The dumping ground, the emotional punchbag. M is repeating her own family patterns. She was also the oldest daughter with a favourite younger sister. She complains long and loud about this while seeing no parallels whatsoever.

The weekend I was with her, I felt I was disappearing, being erased. My personality, my interests are not acceptable to her. My DH and DD visited and I cried the whole time because I wanted to go home with them. (Completely involuntary, I am not a crier). DM would not help me with the children (I have another grown up DC) when I had life threatening post natal depression and in fact made things a lot worse. It’s lucky I’m still here. I had to have counselling to cope with her behaviour. She did childcare for my DSis of course!!

I feel weakened by the post natal depression which I had for about 6 years. It doesn’t take much at all to slide back into suicidal ideation. DH thinks doing her care would break me again.

I feel I would last a day max looking after her. And how long would it be? How long is a piece of string? Will all her other health problems? And then I’m Carer. Even if our relationship was perfect, I am not a nurse in anyway and have a repulsion of doing personal care.

So I’m going to have to tell her today, that I can’t. I’m willing to do cleaning, laundry, shopping, admin, sorting care but not the care itself. I feel very guilty as you can imagine. I feel I have been telling her by not going oh, I’ll look after you Mum! Whenever surgery has been mentioned. But no, it will need to be explicit clearly.

I don’t know what I want from writing this really. Some info about how your olds got on with a shoulder replacement. Some reassurance I’m not a monster for not wanting to do this? It’s so hard.

Good point! Thank you so much. I don’t want to be on their radar at all.

Thank you for that information. My M actually just said the operation could be done under sedation. Can it really? The doctor she saw yesterday said the unstable blood pressure might be a reaction to the extreme pain. So that might be better after the op. I’m just worried something else will kick in and she’ll lose mobility or start with cognitive decline.

That would be something she would do actually, start hoovering or something ridiculous and unnecessary. Some female relative of hers died at 79 shaking a carpet out of a window. She just… tumbled out the window after the carpet. Would not surprise me at all, my M doing something mad like that.

Seriously, your mother needs help. You can't just abandon her. We all grow old (and sometimes feisty from pain) so just ignore her carry-on and do the needful. I see this with Anglo-Saxon families constantly. You forget who gave birth to you.

Thank you @DierdreDaphne That is my worry, that she will lose independence and guess who will be picking all that mess up?

I do worry sometimes that I’m punishing her. But the difference in my health since I stopped ringing her daily and seeing her weekly? It’s night and day.

I think in her world, anything nasty she says just blows away on the wind with no effect on anyone. It definitely shouldn’t be remembered or influence the future oh no. Everything is brushed under the rug. She holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe, but of course you would believe it.

And she didn’t care for any elderly relatives either. We moved far away from them all and M’s brother and his wife did the care for their parents. Who had been terribly abusive. He died at 60, not even retired. It’s tragic isn’t it. Never put that together before now. It might not have been the cause but I’m sure it didn’t help his stress levels. He died of a heart attack.

She would be so so shocked you know, to read this account of herself. She can be nice, kind, wise, reasonable but she can also be reactionary, wrong headed and paranoid. And you never know which one you’re going to get. And my sister has hardly ever had the bad bits. That’s what gets me. If she had parented us the same, well that would have been one thing. But she does not. Nor did my dad sadly. My sister was his favourite too!

Where are you that wait lists don't seem so bad? Say the likely hospital. I will look up the waits...

More replacement ops below the waist are now being done without GA , shoulder replacement is more often done under GA +/- other anaesthesia particularly because the surgical positioning can be tricky and uncomfortable……but the alternative is a regional anaesthesia/nerve block with sedation so that’s good if consultant has said that’s what they can offer to her. The current NICE guidelines has research recommendations about anaesthesia options because for obvious reasons in the client group usually having TSR, the move towards non GA procedures will reduce risks from GA.

'Seriously, your mother needs help. You can't just abandon her.'

OP has no intention of 'abandoning' her mother. She's just not prepared to risk her own health and sanity. You don't seem to recognise any of OP's description of her mother's nasty, cold, demanding behaviour - lucky you

Re respite or reablement - point out to dsis that occupation therapists will be there to help her professionally, phusios will be there to help her professionally, carers will be there to help her so she doesn't do anything stupid and ser herself back. I e it's BEST FOR HER. That's why its offered (when it is - bear in mind a residential stay it may not be)

You need to stop torturing yourself and step back.

Your priority is your own family (kids/partner) and your own physical and mental health.

When I needed to have surgery and could do very little for three weeks after the op I hired a private carer who came into the house everyday to take care of cleaning, feeding my pets, loading and emptying the washing machine, shopping and so on.

There are alternatives.

''@GuestBehind

Seriously, your mother needs help. You can't just abandon her. We all grow old (and sometimes feisty from pain) so just ignore her carry-on and do the needful. I see this with Anglo-Saxon families constantly. You forget who gave birth to you.''

There is always one who comes up with this type of guilt tripping nonsense. The OP did not ask to be born, her mother made her own choice to have kids.

The OP has her own life and family and caring for an elderly relative is not something you are forced to do.

Not to mention the fact that some parents are just awful and don't deserve the endless devotion of their adult children...

My mum had a shoulder replacement at 80
in January. The op itself went very well with no complications.

it was the other stuff that caused an issue. She already had limited mobility, a weak ankle and used a stick. Also had some issues in the other shoulder The shoulder recovery then meant she ended up quite bedbound as she couldn’t walk around.

There was a stat on the wall of the hospital that at 80 you lose 10% of mobility I think it was for every week in bed. So I would make sure that whatever happens she engages in physio and gets up and about.

sHe had been going downhill for several months - nothing major but just what seemed like a bit of depression and minor but unexplained physical ailments. She did go back a couple of months later after a fall and broken arm, she did go downhill significantly after that. She was given a provisional diagnosis of dementia.

I would say make sure she gets out of hospital as soon as she can after the op - my dad paid for my mum to go in a nice nursing home for a couple of weeks as a step towards coming home (their house is not practical). My mum also got pneumonia / collapsed lung every time she was in.

OP I couldn’t do this for my DPs and my relationship with them is much better than yours and my family position is much more stable ( desperately looking for a job so I am less available, but stimmied because it has to be part time as they live an hour away).
I would text back to both DM and Dsis something like “Good news that the op is being scheduled. That will be so much better for you once it’s done. I am able to come up twice a week for daytime support for the 4-6 weeks after the op ( or whatever you are prepared to do) but will not be able to stay over. Unless Dsis is able to do that it sounds like respite would be the best option. “ That way they both know upfront what you are prepared to do.

There's always one sanctimonious one lacking in empathy.

Have you ever been in the position OP is in? Just curious.

There are other options available for OPs mother. I would not want my adult children to look after me. It was my decision to have children and my children do not owe me anything for bringing them up. Op has an obligation to her daughter who is doing her A levels.

Oh please 🙄

She may well be eligable
for 6 weeks respite care - phone your GP and ask for a referral to adult social care.

Giving birth doesn't make someone a good parent.

My background is partly non-Anglo Saxon, and that culture of origin can GTFOOH with the idea that simply giving birth entitles someone to run their adult children's lives. It doesn't.

@Cardiganwearer definitely speak to the medical team in the hospital about your situation and not being able to provide care. My DGM did this to us, said family would do everything, and we were stuck until she had a crisis. The NHS can offer reablement care either at home or in a facility to get her moving again, make sure her pain is managed, food and drink, etc. Don't put yourself through having to be away from your family for weeks and messing up your MH. Do the admin and the practical things, visit once a week to check in and cook a nice meal, bring some shopping, take some batch cooking, etc. Focus on things you can do to meaningfully support but for which you don't physically have to be in situ and at her beck and call for.

OP's mum has always been a pretty awful mum to OP. OP is unwell herself and when she had dangerous, life-threatening PND her mum absolutely refused to help look after OP's small children while she was in hospital. Therefore, she owes her mum absolutely nothing.

Plus, this board was set up to provide support to Mumsnetters who are dealing with elderly parents, not to guilt trip and berate them.

Family first. You shouldn't be relying on the state to look after your ageing parents. It's a safety net only - well at least it should be.

Wow. That is tough. Obviously you can't drop everything for her, so you need to decide what you can do and offer that. Work out what sort of contribution would stop you feeling guilty without you feeling dissolved by her needs. E.g. Talk with her GP to have all prescriptions fulfilled by Pharmazon or a similar online pharmacy. You could ask for their emails to be sent to you, so you take responsibility for liaising with them online if you think your mother wouldn't do that.

You might interview a few people local to her who could come in once a day as home help/companions. Suggest they do an hour's worth of cleaning or admin (e.g. helping open the prescription meds and ensuring she takes them) and an hour of chatting with her over lunch or dinner each time. Ensure she can afford this and that payment is set up. And monitor their attendance, maybe with a ring doorbell linked to your phone so you can keep an eye that they do the hours paid for.

Be very direct with her about why you can't be with her 24/7:
Mum, you need support right now. Sis can't help full time as her child is ill and I can't move in with you as DS is doing A levels and needs me around. But I have sorted out your prescriptions so they will be delivered from now on, and have arranged for someone to look in once a day. If this isn't enough, would you like to look around some sheltered flats with me?

OT here posting on a very glitchy iPad so can’t quote. I agree with the physio up thread that said there are services to assist with the aftercare.

shoulder operations are complex and can be painful. Also come with restrictions/precarious about movement. Depending on the surgeon she might have the awful compression stockings for DVT. These are a hideous nightmare for people to get on/off so hopefully she won’t have them.

anyway - please don’t get co-erced into doing this for her.

even if you lived with her and loved her dearly there are still limits to the personal care that you could safely
provide. Good luck.

I think anyone who reads your original post will see that this is about as far from a family of any ethnicity abandoning their mum as it gets. This is about a family that needs the safety net.

I'm sorry. No advice really other than stick to your guns x

OP I looked after my DM in her 80s after her shoulder replacement. I am only giving you my example as it was not what either of us expected - but also I and my DM get on well.

I took 3 weeks of work. First week she was in hospital and I visited. She was in longer due to a rare complication which also meant she had to come home in a giant sling with a wedge under her arm - normally it would be a simple sling. There was extensive physio and OT input before discharge, they were completely familiar with discharging elderly people who live on their own.

She was in much much much less pain after the operation. She also turned out to be very effective at managing with one arm as that's basically all she had before. Both of us rapidly realised she wouldn't need as much help as we were worrying about, even with the wedge contraption.

I cooked, shopped, bought random disability items off Amazon (a lot of ponchos) and did some minimal personal care - pulling up her trousers and helping with a wash.

After 2 weeks she felt I wasn't needed and I went home.

Honestly I don't think I did anything that couldn't be done better by the Reablement Team if she hadn't had me to call on for help.

If you feel able to do it then do. But don't be guilted into it by someone you don't actual like, the surgeon actually said to us his experience was that people were much better after the op as they were so disabled before and that they had already adapted to one hand living. This proved exactly true for us.