My mum needs to go into a care home but my father is against the idea.

[Undermyheatedblanket]

I really don't know what to do anymore.

My parents live very near (literally around the corner from me). They are in their early 80's. Dad is in good health but mum is not. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker, diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and breast cancer in 2024 (this is under control with medication).

We have limped along for the last 7 years with me being the main help (older sister/sibling syndrome!). I was going into their home and carrying out all their household duties, organising all of mums health issues, hospital appointments etc and taking her to her day centre twice a week. It started out as small things then grew and drip by drip I suddenly found myself doing so much. I fell into burn out as I have my own health issues and my own family at home too.

I wrote about it on here a few years back and under advice I did take a back seat fro some of the duties but was still going round 4-5 times a week and my sibling doing the other days. My dad is not an easy character at times and every idea for help that we would put forward to him he would sneer his nose up at (mainly because he hates spending money out). Eventually, as mum's dementia has progressed he agreed to a carer every morning to help mum shower and dress, he did eventually agree this was a life saver.

Things were limping along ok (ish) until July when mum took a fall in the garden fracturing her neck and breaking her hand. She had to stay in hospital for a month where they basically allowed her to constantly soil the bed, even though she is mobile (with help) and I peaded with them not to do this, it fell on deaf ears. Mum has now been home for around two months and has completely changed with regards to continence and mobility. Before her hospital stay she was fully continent and now is double incontinent, I can not see this will ever change. She soils herself throughout the day.

We now have a team of 6 private carers who visit 3 times a day to wash mum, they change her during the day and again at 7.30pm when they put her to bed. The rest of the day she just sits in her recliner chair in the living room watching a bit of tv and then sleeping on/off. And whilst she is still her happy and chirpy self (always has been thankfully), it is beyond heartbreaking to see her live like this.

Tbh and I hate to admit this but I am beyond exhausted and fed up with it all. I have spent so long trying to make my parents lives as comfortable as I can with my father simply allowing me to burn myself out in the process that I am now left so empty. The guilt is unbearable but the truth is that I no longer want this life. Mum needs to go into a care home, I hate myself for saying this and we have tried desperately to avoid this but I don't want to have a breakdown, I value my own life. I am exausted by the time I come home, I end up having flaming rows with my dh because he feels my father is putting too much on me and I know this but he can not see the guilt I live under.

I am concluding that mum would most probably be better off in a care home. Our carers are lovely but collectively they are at my parents for around 3-4 hours a day, that leaves many, many hours for us to care for and occupy mum. I know my elderly dad is from a different era where family, especially daughters should care for their parents but I feel that I have done my share, 5+ years is my limit. I also know he doesn't want to spend out more money for a care home but we are currently spending over £800 per week for 3 hours a day care, surely it is more cost effective for a care home where the care is 24 hours per day?

Sadly though, neither my dad nor sister wish for mum to go into a care home just yet so I have no idea where to go from here.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What was the outcome?

I think that your return to work will be a good thing as you will not be at your dad's beck and call.
He has the option of a 4 th care call or live in care which would probably be best option and not that much more expensive than a care home. If she is fine during the night he could also just pay someone to be there during the day until she is in bed which is cheaper than live in care.
He has to experience managing her without you around and you need to be strong and just visit as able to spend quality time with your mum.

So why do you think it’s what your mother wants ?

As sad and difficult as it is, what her mother wants at this point is not really salient or likely in her best interests given her condition.

Does not matter if it's me, my husband or anyone else tbh, he will piss anyone off. My husband told him last weekend just how stressed out I am - it fell on to deaf ears. He has fallen out with friends and his ndn, he really does not care who he is horrible, he has no filter and often acts like a petulant child.

He has had a golden stress free life, all of his life and now things are fraying he wants to take his grief and loss of independence out on anyone he sees fit. I understand that he is upset hence my enabling him for so long but obviously this has royally backfired on me and yes, I do need to start being much stricter with him but it will never get better, he will continue to pile on as much guilt as he sees fit. I know that I can not change that and I will need to change MY response. I am hoping the counselling will help somewhat, fingers crossed.

But what her mother would want for her daughter is relevant

op - you wouldn’t want your daughter to run ragged after you. Your mother would not want that either. You won’t let your mother down by taking a firm stand and backing out of supporting your father.