My mum needs to go into a care home but my father is against the idea.

[Undermyheatedblanket]

I really don't know what to do anymore.

My parents live very near (literally around the corner from me). They are in their early 80's. Dad is in good health but mum is not. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker, diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and breast cancer in 2024 (this is under control with medication).

We have limped along for the last 7 years with me being the main help (older sister/sibling syndrome!). I was going into their home and carrying out all their household duties, organising all of mums health issues, hospital appointments etc and taking her to her day centre twice a week. It started out as small things then grew and drip by drip I suddenly found myself doing so much. I fell into burn out as I have my own health issues and my own family at home too.

I wrote about it on here a few years back and under advice I did take a back seat fro some of the duties but was still going round 4-5 times a week and my sibling doing the other days. My dad is not an easy character at times and every idea for help that we would put forward to him he would sneer his nose up at (mainly because he hates spending money out). Eventually, as mum's dementia has progressed he agreed to a carer every morning to help mum shower and dress, he did eventually agree this was a life saver.

Things were limping along ok (ish) until July when mum took a fall in the garden fracturing her neck and breaking her hand. She had to stay in hospital for a month where they basically allowed her to constantly soil the bed, even though she is mobile (with help) and I peaded with them not to do this, it fell on deaf ears. Mum has now been home for around two months and has completely changed with regards to continence and mobility. Before her hospital stay she was fully continent and now is double incontinent, I can not see this will ever change. She soils herself throughout the day.

We now have a team of 6 private carers who visit 3 times a day to wash mum, they change her during the day and again at 7.30pm when they put her to bed. The rest of the day she just sits in her recliner chair in the living room watching a bit of tv and then sleeping on/off. And whilst she is still her happy and chirpy self (always has been thankfully), it is beyond heartbreaking to see her live like this.

Tbh and I hate to admit this but I am beyond exhausted and fed up with it all. I have spent so long trying to make my parents lives as comfortable as I can with my father simply allowing me to burn myself out in the process that I am now left so empty. The guilt is unbearable but the truth is that I no longer want this life. Mum needs to go into a care home, I hate myself for saying this and we have tried desperately to avoid this but I don't want to have a breakdown, I value my own life. I am exausted by the time I come home, I end up having flaming rows with my dh because he feels my father is putting too much on me and I know this but he can not see the guilt I live under.

I am concluding that mum would most probably be better off in a care home. Our carers are lovely but collectively they are at my parents for around 3-4 hours a day, that leaves many, many hours for us to care for and occupy mum. I know my elderly dad is from a different era where family, especially daughters should care for their parents but I feel that I have done my share, 5+ years is my limit. I also know he doesn't want to spend out more money for a care home but we are currently spending over £800 per week for 3 hours a day care, surely it is more cost effective for a care home where the care is 24 hours per day?

Sadly though, neither my dad nor sister wish for mum to go into a care home just yet so I have no idea where to go from here.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What was the outcome?

I think after 5 years of you burning yourself out and your dad and sibling not caring, it's time to just stop. Show them what you've written here. Then say, as you know, in my opinion, mum needs to be in a care home. You won't accept this, Dad, so I'm out. Then just stop. Don't go to the house. If you're asked for help say no, mum needs to be in a care home. Once all the work falls on your sister she will probably come round to your point of view ... or sort out full time carers.

Are you the poster from previous threads who said that the money that your dad is witholding and refusing to use it for your mum'ss care, actually came from your mum's side through inheritances?

Your dad sounds really selfish and is aided and abetted by your sister who has never done any of the heavy lifting like you have.

I agree with the previous poster who said that you should step right back as you are completely burnt out. Let your dad and sister pick up the slack when the carers aren't there. Let's see how long they last.

I have previously posted about my issues with my father, it's still on going as you can see.

I really can't stop seeing mum. I was (am) very close to her and adore her. Seven years with Alzheimer's and 18 months with BC means I really fear she doesn't have much time left, if I were to go no contact and she died during this time I would never forgive myself.

One of the reasons I really would like to see her in a home is not only because of the extra care and attention she would get but I can then decide when and for how long I'd visit and can distance myself a bit from my dad, he's genuinely making me unwell.

I've been helping him for years and have received little thanks or recognition for it. I've worked minimal hours since 2020 so I can help him and last November gave up work fully to help but I'm now struggling with the cost of living and am returning to work next week. He told me today he has no idea how he'll cope and he will now feel even more tied and restricted than before so I suggested now is the time to consider a home but he simply shouted at me and said absolutely not. When I suggest he pays for a sit in service so he can go out when he wants he shouts at me again that he has enough to pay out for yet he's happy for me to babysit for nothing and expects my poor DH to support us both.

He absolutely resends paying out for care for mum yet was more than content to treat himself to a set of £3k hearing aids this week, he genuinely fails to see how mean spirited he really is.

I just can't win whichever way I go forward with it all.

Take the decision out of his hands, ask for social services to assess the situation

We've done that 3 times already. As soon as they discover my parents have savings they aren't interested.

stand up to him - who cares what he thinks. He’s clearly abusive. Get her booked into a care home and take her.

Does mum have capacity, is there power of attorney in place,

You are going back to work. Pick a time slot in the evening for when you know the carers have been and she is fed and washed for the night. Visit her then and have a chat for an hour. Then leave. It’s all you can do under the circumstances.

On the weekend. Tell your Dad you will pop in to keep your mum company for an hour after a carer slot. He can use the time to go out. Do not get roped into errands, housework and laundry. He has the means to pay for it and you have your own home to sort before Monday morning.

You are enabling this by doing stuff. While you keep going that suits everyone.
if you stop doing things it’s your mam who will suffer in the short term though
but if you are at work you can’t be there and if you have breakdown then you can’t be there
remind dad that you will be back to work and he will be on his own and leave it at that

It's not that simple though. I can't simply book her in a care home and cart her there myself. We have joined poa and I can't make the decision alone. I do stand up to him but it ends up with him shouted at me, it's draining.

Mum has no capacity and we (dad, my sister and I) all have joint POA.

Care live in at home?
expensivetho, would dad agree to that?

You have to step back
it’s the only solution

or

you don’t want a solution just to let off steam - that’s fine but be honest about that

or you can’t decide which because you are too shattered physically and emotionally

You stop. Seriously.
You are enabling this (from the best of motives)
If your dad and sister don't want her to go into a home, then they can facilitate her staying at home.
(I predict your mum will be in home by November...)
As I said to my siblings after they left me all alone to deal with mum, again "what would you do if I was hit by a bus tomorrow?"

Op, you really need to read what posters are saying. You need to stop doing everything. You will make yourself ill, and your dad will clearly just let that happen. So you drop the rope. Or you keep doing it, you get ill, your home life suffers, your new job suffers, and your dad doesn’t care. As someone said, why not go in after the carers have been and spend some quality time with her, then leave. Don’t argue about it, just do that and nothing else. You do have choices, tough ones, but choices nonetheless.

Please step back-I know it is difficult! I too am in a similar situation and was on the point of a complete breakdown. I was working full time too! My daughter then pointed out I was useless if I didn't put my own oxygen mask on first and then help others. The message hit home. I have put up strict boundaries and whilst my parents are loved I never agreed to take on the care for the elderly in my life. My mum hates the fact I work but it gives me hours where I only think about what I am doing and not about them but more importantly it means my parents know I am not on instant dial.
Until you leave your father to start doing tasks himself he will never understand. My mum tried the ;Well I looked after the elderly in my family!' card. I then pointed out she didn't work and hadn't for the whole of her married life nd had the time. I don't! Please step back. Let your sister take more of the load and your father look after his wife. Your Mum would understand- my dad certainly does. He may be bedridden, have numerous other problems but is always insistent I have a holiday.
I have had to teach my mum that life changes and just because she doesn't like my choices it doesn't't mean I am not interested. She has become a little nasty but I have developed a thick skin.
I feel your pain with Social Services assessments -hopeless! But a time will come where an opportunity arises for assistance and take it with both hands. I now have a lovely social worker in place for my dad and we are working together to find him a safe,caring residential home that my mum will eventually join him in. Sending hugs. I do understand.

I've put that to him even found a great live in care company but he won't have strangers living in his home with him.

I know a man who dedicated his whole adult life to caring for his elderly parents.
His siblings were off living their lives, getting married, having dc, travelling...
His parents both died in the last 18 months after years of dementia, health issues and incontinence.
I'm not exaggerating to say there was an ambulance at their house twice a week on average.
His health has completely collapsed and he is now very unwell (he has had a stroke)
His siblings are selling the family home and he has nowhere to go and will spend his part of his inheritance on renting somewhere totally unsuitable for his mobility needs.
It's heartbreaking.
Caring for them meant he had to leave his job, he had no relationships and its left him a physical shell of a person.
And guess what? His is siblings do not care
His parents did not care
Once my own mothers needs become more intensive she will be going in a home and I have no qualms about it at all.

Be ill for the next week. Get your dh to phone your dad and your sister saying you’re ill and can’t come round. Then ignore the phone/door. Then you are going to have to be absolutely ruthless and stick to 2 days only. If that forces your dad to accept she needs a home then it’ll be in her best interests. What is not in her longer term best interest is you going round every day. You are effectively enabling your dm to receive poorer quality care.

@Iwantroplayanothergame
That's the big issue imo...
My parents and pils never had to care for their sick/demented parents.
All mine and dhs gps were dead by the time we were late primary school age and all either dropped dead or died in hospital of pneumonia.

Take a few days or a week off - say you’re not well and can’t go, then when you are better just go when you feel you can and make it clear it’s only for company, you have to tear the plaster off! I know it’s hard but this simply isn’t sustainable

I absolutely know that I need to step right back, it's so hard when you have a father like mine, he has a way of making me feel so guilty. I find it so difficult to describe how he is but he has a way of upsetting everyone, I have had to warn all the carers, they have all (secretly) agreed that he has no filter at all, says what he wants regardless if it upsets anyone, he genuinely does not see it.

potato08 the poor guy.

Iwantroplayanothergame How did you manage to get your dad a sw? I have tried SS three times but as soon as they learn my parents have savings they tell me there is nothing they can offer us.

As others have said, you must step back. Continue to visit if you wish to see your mum (and to monitor the situation) but as a PP suggested go while.the caters are there or immediately after they've left so there aren't essential jobs to be done.

If your dad and sibling don't step up to fill the gap, still won't agree to residential care, and it's adversely affecting your mum, don't ask SS for yet another care assessment. Instead make a report of elder abuse (financial abuse and neglect, by the sound of it). That is something they have to deal with, regardless of means tests.

So you are half killing yourself trying to please a man you know you cant, a man who you want to love you but he doesn’t really know what that would mean ?

you love your mother. Spend some time with her. You can’t change your father. Accept that pain.