My mum needs to go into a care home but my father is against the idea.

[Undermyheatedblanket]

I really don't know what to do anymore.

My parents live very near (literally around the corner from me). They are in their early 80's. Dad is in good health but mum is not. She is bent over with osteoporosis, has a pacemaker, diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018 and breast cancer in 2024 (this is under control with medication).

We have limped along for the last 7 years with me being the main help (older sister/sibling syndrome!). I was going into their home and carrying out all their household duties, organising all of mums health issues, hospital appointments etc and taking her to her day centre twice a week. It started out as small things then grew and drip by drip I suddenly found myself doing so much. I fell into burn out as I have my own health issues and my own family at home too.

I wrote about it on here a few years back and under advice I did take a back seat fro some of the duties but was still going round 4-5 times a week and my sibling doing the other days. My dad is not an easy character at times and every idea for help that we would put forward to him he would sneer his nose up at (mainly because he hates spending money out). Eventually, as mum's dementia has progressed he agreed to a carer every morning to help mum shower and dress, he did eventually agree this was a life saver.

Things were limping along ok (ish) until July when mum took a fall in the garden fracturing her neck and breaking her hand. She had to stay in hospital for a month where they basically allowed her to constantly soil the bed, even though she is mobile (with help) and I peaded with them not to do this, it fell on deaf ears. Mum has now been home for around two months and has completely changed with regards to continence and mobility. Before her hospital stay she was fully continent and now is double incontinent, I can not see this will ever change. She soils herself throughout the day.

We now have a team of 6 private carers who visit 3 times a day to wash mum, they change her during the day and again at 7.30pm when they put her to bed. The rest of the day she just sits in her recliner chair in the living room watching a bit of tv and then sleeping on/off. And whilst she is still her happy and chirpy self (always has been thankfully), it is beyond heartbreaking to see her live like this.

Tbh and I hate to admit this but I am beyond exhausted and fed up with it all. I have spent so long trying to make my parents lives as comfortable as I can with my father simply allowing me to burn myself out in the process that I am now left so empty. The guilt is unbearable but the truth is that I no longer want this life. Mum needs to go into a care home, I hate myself for saying this and we have tried desperately to avoid this but I don't want to have a breakdown, I value my own life. I am exausted by the time I come home, I end up having flaming rows with my dh because he feels my father is putting too much on me and I know this but he can not see the guilt I live under.

I am concluding that mum would most probably be better off in a care home. Our carers are lovely but collectively they are at my parents for around 3-4 hours a day, that leaves many, many hours for us to care for and occupy mum. I know my elderly dad is from a different era where family, especially daughters should care for their parents but I feel that I have done my share, 5+ years is my limit. I also know he doesn't want to spend out more money for a care home but we are currently spending over £800 per week for 3 hours a day care, surely it is more cost effective for a care home where the care is 24 hours per day?

Sadly though, neither my dad nor sister wish for mum to go into a care home just yet so I have no idea where to go from here.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What was the outcome?

This is so hard.
With the greatest of respect your parents have had their lives. They have had choices.
You have a right to your life and your choices. I am assuming that one of those is to spend your life with your husband. You are going to destroy your marriage.. and your father in particular won't give a toss.
You say you have always been close to your mother.. consider what she would want for you. Burnout and a ruined marriage? I don't believe so.
Please step back. Take space. Whatever is going to happen to your mother in the future.. you will need the love and support of your husband.
You matter too you know.. you are every bit as important as your parents.
Step back.. let your sister and father SEE how much you do. They can find/pay for another workhorse or arrange a home for your mother.
You matter too.

What would you want your children to do if they were in your shoes ?

We ended up with a SW because he was taken to hospital and my mother was so vocal to the ambulance crew they decided that there was carer breakdown not only for her but more importantly could see I was at my wits end. The hospital were hopeless BUT when their SW rang and said they were sending h him home I absolutely and categorically stated it was an unsafe discharge owning to him having to be moved every 2 hours I g to bedsores. No care company ( even the amazing one we had) would be able to cope with this. You are quite correct that as soon as SS knew my parents had money they were very dismissive. I argued a good case and they agreed that dad needed 6 weeks respite. He has deteriorated quickly but from there he has been allocated the SW with so far has been very supportive of me in particular.

MU parents are going to lose their home and their savings paying for care but that was their plan and investment for their old age. I am past the point of caring about any of this now and am too fatigued to worry. What will be will be and I am proud of the boundaries I have now put in place even if my mother at times finds this difficult to deal with. That is a her problem and not a me problem. I have cried too many tears over all of this and only the support of my husband and 2 children are getting b me through.

As suggested be unwell for a week and let them get on with it. It will show just how much you do and how much support they really need.

Honestly, don’t take no for an answer and keep fighting SS for everything. It is mindblowingly frustrating! 😔😱

I really can't stop seeing mum. I was (am) very close to her and adore her. Seven years with Alzheimer's and 18 months with BC means I really fear she doesn't have much time left, if I were to go no contact and she died during this time I would never forgive myself.

No need to go no contact. Just reduce the time you're there, don't be around often or long enough to be doing any care or anything that you can be relied on for. Be ill for a few days, don't agree any set times. You can still see DM without doing as much as you are now. It's either that or keep enabling what you know doesn't work.

Normally if one of the spouses is ok, they do the care in my country. Adult children do help but it is not like they don't have a life left.

Not knowing what to do is one thing.
Knowing what to do but struggling to face up to doing it is a different thing.

If you can work out which camp you are in then it will be simpler to plan a way forward.

I suspect you are in camp 2 OP, which involves simply finding a way to manage your own feelings and behavior - and keep everything else away because it isn't relevant.

Easier said that done I understand. But some comfort can be found in the knowledge that it's all in your control really.

How about she goes into a care home for a couple of weeks respite care? For my parents the experience of not having mum at home for a time, made my dad realise how hard it was caring for her 24/7. After some struggles to find the right place my mum is now in a permanent care home. She needed more care than my dad could provide, (my sister and I are too far away for daily visits) they were not safe. You really need to step back. Don't feel guilty, I'm sure your mum would not have wanted you to be burning out caring for her.

The ONLY way this is going to change is if you stop doing all the things and leave it for your father and sibling to sort out.
This is only going to happen when a crisis forces it.
There is no easy or magic way that this is going to solve itself. If you want her safe in a care home then you have to be cruel to be kind and force the crisis.

Of a spouse with dementia, double incontinence and cancer?

No, my mum would not have wanted this for me. She was run ragged by her own father after my nan died.

I have already told my dh and dc if I succumb to dementia etc they are to put me in a home, I will have this written down too.

I will never put this pressure on my kids but then I am not a narcissist with out dated views that women should look after their parents when they reach old age.

Thank you, I will keep on.

Well done for setting such boundaries, unless anyone has been through this it's difficult to understand just how hard goingand draining it really is, espeically when you are up against constant brick walls with GPs and hospitals etc.

I do need to keep at it for my own family as well.

Caring for someone with a few mobility issues etc is one thing, trying to change a soiled adult nappy of an 82 year old frail lady bent over with osetoporosis and with the mental capacity of a 3 year old is a completely different scenario.

I started some counselling last week, should be for around 14 weeks, I am hoping this may help me see things with a little more clarity.

Mum went into respite for a week in April, she came back very disoriented, it took several weeks for her to be herself again. Dad said she is never going back into respite.

I have suggested she goes somewhere different for a week or two but he won't agree to it. I am however still going to visit some care homes over the next few weeks to get an idea and chat with the managers.

Just an idea, everyone is saying you need to step back. This will show them both how much they really can’t manage without you. Instead of having to do something where you feel disloyal or unkind to your mum - Can’t you and your husband just go away for two weeks?

Then they’ll see what managing for two weeks without you would be like. It doesn’t have to be anywhere expensive you could just go away in a caravan for a fortnight. You would get a rest, and they would realise how difficult it is.

You have my every sympathy for this situation. I’m only 39, my mum is in her early 70s and is heading down this road and probably will be in the position you are in about 3 to 4 years. I can guarantee I’ll be the only one being realistic about it. Im fortunate that I have a wonderful father but I bet he won’t fancy the care home route.

If I think of anything else, I’ll write it on this forum, even if it is in a few weeks.
sending best wishes.

If you don't feel you can step back from visiting and helping your mother, then unfortunately you will have to accept there is nothing you can do. You are outvoted by your dad and sibling and it seems unlikely they are going to change their minds. You cannot control anyone’s behaviour but your own so all you can do is decide what you are going to do yourself.

I cannot see SS being interested at all. Your mother has good care at home, and it is self-funded so they don't have any input.

I am so glad I was the only one with POA for my mother and I didn't have to argue with anyonelse about her care, it must be a nightmare. I am sorry for your situation.

Respite for a week will disorientated someone, it can take a while to settle in. Does the poa state decisions are to be made jointly or severally. I'd step back and let your dad see what help she really needs.

I agree the respite can be disorientating but it was do or die for us. It started the conversations with care homes though which was useful.
I think the point where incontinence becomes an issue is where a lot of home carers need to hand over to professionals. The Alzheimer's society online forum is quite helpful for advice and perspective on caring for loved ones with dementia.

It's not down to other family members to refuse a care home by relying on your unpaid care. Your mum is a very ill and frail lady. She will be well looked after in a good care home. The only way she will (hopefully) get there is if you stop helping out. Sometimes you have to kind of step back and let a mini-crisis happen so that the people pushing back effectively have no choice. In fact every family I know with elderly care issues, the refusal of the EP's to cooperate has been the hardest thing. So don't be surprised or feel bad!

Madness

Yes, of course it is hard, but you have to break the guilt cycle you have built in your head.

Other posters have given you some good advice - please try and take it. The only way things are going to change is if YOU change.

My suggestion would be to stop spending so many hours there every day. Drop down to a couple of visits a week, making these visits just after the carers have been. Sit and chat with your mum, do a puzzle, read to her or whatever she enjoys and start being a daughter (and not a carer) again.

I came on to say, I agree with so much of what others have said and I think you are, as someone suggested, in the “I know what I have to do but this is hard and I feel bad” camp. I was going to suggest counselling to you, not to help you see what is going on but to help you have the courage to change it. If nothing changes, after all, nothing will change. And everyone else is happy with you taking the load and your dad giving you his anger and frustration:why would they try to make changes?

Anyway, you have signed up for the counselling off your own bat so that’s brilliant. Good luck-this is a tough situation but as others have said, despite how your dad behaves towards you, you are important too.

Would he shout at your husband? Or at you if your husband was stood there too? I know that shouldn't be how this works but abusive men will often wind their necks in when it's another man they're dealing with. Could your husband accompany you and give your dad a talking to?

I agree with the poster who said report it to social services as elder abuse and neglect. They will have to investigate.

OP: stop! Give yourself permission to stop!

Your dad refuses to have live in carers or put your mum in a home but it's not him changing the nappies, is it?

Like others have said you need to step back completely.

Have a couple of weeks ‘off sick’. Explain to your dad and sister you really aren’t well and won’t be able to visit - then have yourself a little break.

Then return to visiting mum - go twice a week and if questioned just say ‘I’m currently not up to do anything more - sorry’.