Anyone else having to care for not amazing but not awful parents ?

[rookiemere]

After another taxing visit to my DPs, I am wondering if it’s normal for me to be so resentful and churlish about what I seem to be expected to do. They are very elderly and live an hour away, DM is now pretty much immobile and as we are in Scotland she gets four carers a day. DF who hadn’t done any household chores for years is managing to buy food and make their meals, but his memory is going.

I grudgingly got them to accept a cleaner for a whole 2 hours per week, but everything else falls on me, although of course they don’t want to be a burden . Lots of things starting to go wrong so I feel I or DS or DH, need to go up once a week, but I hate every visit with every fibre of my being. Today was pretty bad, as lots of accumulated paperwork and had to tell DM and DF that we weren’t going to be doing their gardening but we would find a gardener.

I wish I could just walk away and wash my hands of it. Thing is they weren’t bad parents, they did the best they could but have always been emotionally distant but financially generous. I have cultivated a very superficial level of relationship with DF over the years as he’s racist and misogynistic, but so are many people his age, but now having to spend so much time there, I find it almost intolerable.

I guess my question or point is on here I read about abusive and narcissistic elderly DPs and people are rightly told to cut off contact, or the other spectrum is those who consider it a badge of honour looking after their DPs. I am somewhere in between the two, and I just feel they are expecting a lot considering the type of relationship we have. I don’t know if I am making sense or if anyone else relates?

@ElderlyDilemmasboth my DPs did not help with their elderly DPs, to be fair in DMs case they moved to the country I lived in many years before I had a family and DM looked after DS once a fortnight when I went back to work - there were other circumstances why they moved not just me . I am very grateful for that and I am trying to match that to return in kind.

@MotheranddaughterBetween us DH, DS and I go up once a week as it’s an 1-1.5 hr drive each way - but increasingly that is not enough, and they want and need more which I can’t give without eradicating my own life, so no I don’t just want to get on with it because “it”could go on for another 10 years.

I've never felt that my parents choice to live far from their parents was wrong, anyone can live anywhere they like. But it is the bleating about the consequences that grates, there is no acknowledgement that perhaps she could have done more or gratitude to the SILs that did all the heavy lifting, it's all just "oh she never liked me"

Which is of course fine
I do what feels right for me,you do you 🤷‍♀️

I feel for all of you struggling with elder,y parents. I'm an only child, but was lucky in that my parents both died quite suddenly within 8 years of each other. I lived a long way away so never had to face the difficulties of caring, although I loved them very much and saw them regularly.

My own son died a while back so I will have no one to care for me, not that I'd have wanted or expected him to! I feel its my duty to stay as fit and healthy as I can, and be really proactive about this. I do not want carers or even worse go into a home, and hope I die as suddenly as my parents.

Mine has just realised that choosing to move where she did several years ago may not have been the most sensible decision. No shit Sherlock!

Obviously it’s now my role to fill in the gaps, even though I pointed out the issues at the time and was ignored. I can’t, it’s at least a five hour round trip and that alone is more spare time than I have in a week.

Regarding your new job, I work part time, but my “D” parent ended up taking over my day off. So I reduced my hours again, and haven’t told “D”parent I have another day off. It’s great! Sometimes I do end up doing jobs like calling the bank for her on “my” day off but they doesn’t know this. I highly recommend this and it means I can book in my own appointments and things that were getting neglected.

My DPs are not that elderly, they're early 70s, but my dad has dementia and my mum needs a break at times.

Im struggling with the same dilemma; they weren't the best parents and really dropped the rope from about 12 onwards. I've built a stable life and family.

I never really spent 121 time with my dad and this is not the time I want to start. I've had a really stilted relationship with both of them and I find it so awkward now. I can't say no to my mum, as she really needs a break.

This seems like a good plan !

I have an interview when I come back from a short break, and if i got it am hoping I can do 2-3 days per week only, but be very busy on the other days. I mean I will be, our house has been somewhat neglected in favour of traveling up to DPs and ditto exercise and diet. I am so rubbish at lying though.

My cousin has advised that even if I don’t get the role, I should stress how busy I am applying and upskilling for new roles. Its funny really as I have looked at some full time jobs, but I just feel too exhausted to even consider applying, suspect menopause is another factor.

I feel very similar ! Could have written this OP ! X

I had typed out a huge response about my situ with my parents but deleted as it was mammoth and boring. So I just want to say how much I empathise and sympathise with all of you. Its all so so shit.

I hate myself for saying this but I have lately wished for both my parents to just 'go' as I'm exhausted with helping them. What an awful thing to think/say. 😔 4 years ago, we were told DM had 3 weeks to live...she's still here, bed/wheelchair bound with all kinds of medical issues and DF caring for her along with 4 x carers a day.

@Canijustsayonethingnot awful at all. I have only been doing this for a few months and wish the same thing, which I then caveat to wishing they were safely in a care home.

My df is currently in a nursing home, but I'm still running around after rhim and getting messages making me feel guilty that he is there. I just selfishly want my life back 😔

It's not your fault he is in there, we all get old, it's not as if some of us get to be 30 all our lives but he was unlucky & grew old.
It's not selfish to want your life back, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your life for him. I doubt he would expect the same of a son, this is likely to do with him expecting women to defer to him.

The underlying message I've had from my DM most of my life is that they had me and my older brother to keep DM happy as that's all she'd ever wanted to do (was have kids). So when we grew into independent adults she used emotional blackmail to such an extent that it stunted my brothers relationships with his girlfriends and he is now NC with us all.

She has made me feel selfish for wanting time to myself, to want to exercise, to want to see a friend for a coffee - all rather than sitting with her because 'that's what I would have done for MY mum'. and then the tears and the 'oh don't worry about me...sniff...I'll be fine....' whilst giving me the side-eye 🙄

I feel desperately sorry for her and her situation but it wasn't my fault and it's taken some counselling to help build boundaries and realise it's not my responsibility to make her happy 24/7. It's not my job to do that. But it's hard to remember that.

It's not selfish to want a life of your own. It's your DF who is being selfish.

Thank you for your replies. The guilt and emotional blackmail is unreal. I get my df is fearful, but he doesn't seem to understand his situation will get worse (terminal cancer) and I will also need the support. I can still be there for him in his final days but being in the home will also provide support for both of us during this time. If he were to die at home, it would be solely me doing his care with carers popping in. I would have to live with him and be away from my family and give my job up.

You cannot and must not sacrifice yourself at the altar of your DF. You cannot sacrifice your life and your family. He's safer where he is. Feel for you, it is so hard.

@Totallybannanasfrom what you have shared in this and other threads, your DF seems to be more at the not great end of the spectrum of parenting, so I wouldn’t feel guilty or listen too much to his words. Unfortunately it seems that when some people are in the position where they absolutely need care, they no longer are interested in the cost to the person providing it. I have seen this with my own DPs - just a mere few months ago they were saying how they didn’t want to be any trouble and to throw them in a home when they got that way, but the minute they actually needed a lot more support all recognition of me as a separate person with my own life to live has disappeared. Sure DF says he doesn’t want to be a burden, but his desire to stay at his home and pretend he hasn’t got some form of dementia by getting in paid carers is much, much stronger.

In your case your DF didn’t even put in any hard yards in bringing you up or being a DF when you needed him. You owe him nothing, but I understand why you want to provide some emotional support in his final time. I would stop taking what he says on board, stop trying to justify, do what you think is a fair and sustainable amount. If that’s not enough for him tell him you can do less. He is being looked after, so you don’t need to worry about that.

Im sorry so many of you are going through this. I think my guilt is greater because they were goodish parents. It would be easier if they were totally rubbish or abusive. The thing that gets me is that my dad had little interest in us until he needed us and now he expects daily check ins.

My mother says she doesnt want to be a burden but then places all her health needs and anxieties on us and wont look after her health properly.

She ended up in hospital a couple of weeks ago, the medical team was very worried about her liver condition. Mum admitted she hadnt been taking her meds as she thought she didnt need them anymore. The whole sorry episode involved numerous calls with the drs, a late night drive to the hospital with clothes and medications for her when she was admitted, 2 days of worry, having to go to my DF for 3 days to mind him as she wasnt there, all because she decided not to take her meds.
She knew I would be annoyed when she told me and started doing this stupid babyish slapping herself on the wrist motion which totally minimised the upset and drama she caused.
Its hard not to feel resentful. I was flipping thrilled when we got covid last week as it was an excuse not to visit. I find it all so emotionally draining.

Sorry @Rumors1that sounds tough.
I agree as well, it’s the complete non acknowledgment of all the effort that I put in that is particularly galling.
I suspect in their minds they want to feel like they are still not a burden, so conveniently minimising this in their mind and behaving childishly helps them to think that we’re not doing much.