Anyone else having to care for not amazing but not awful parents ?

[rookiemere]

After another taxing visit to my DPs, I am wondering if it’s normal for me to be so resentful and churlish about what I seem to be expected to do. They are very elderly and live an hour away, DM is now pretty much immobile and as we are in Scotland she gets four carers a day. DF who hadn’t done any household chores for years is managing to buy food and make their meals, but his memory is going.

I grudgingly got them to accept a cleaner for a whole 2 hours per week, but everything else falls on me, although of course they don’t want to be a burden . Lots of things starting to go wrong so I feel I or DS or DH, need to go up once a week, but I hate every visit with every fibre of my being. Today was pretty bad, as lots of accumulated paperwork and had to tell DM and DF that we weren’t going to be doing their gardening but we would find a gardener.

I wish I could just walk away and wash my hands of it. Thing is they weren’t bad parents, they did the best they could but have always been emotionally distant but financially generous. I have cultivated a very superficial level of relationship with DF over the years as he’s racist and misogynistic, but so are many people his age, but now having to spend so much time there, I find it almost intolerable.

I guess my question or point is on here I read about abusive and narcissistic elderly DPs and people are rightly told to cut off contact, or the other spectrum is those who consider it a badge of honour looking after their DPs. I am somewhere in between the two, and I just feel they are expecting a lot considering the type of relationship we have. I don’t know if I am making sense or if anyone else relates?

I do think it’s pretty normal. I do think outsourcing more of the tasks that anyone could do, in order to have a bit more of the emotional energy left, would be the answer, if they would accept that. Would they agree to a daily cleaner-who-is-actually-a-carer? I think in your case I would literally put on a wrist brace and report that you have tenosynovitis and can’t do any physical tasks for six weeks.

God what a daft post of mine. There is never ‘an answer’ so ignore that.

I have great sympathy with you all and the anxiety it causes when you as the child or child in law are facing a complete denial about planning for needs or future needs. And/ or just that there is an assumption by the elderly person that it needs to come to a desperate crisis point to permit any kind of objectively sustainable change in how the elderly person lives.

I think this is an area of life that gets so little talked about that it is culturally a massive problem that needs huge attention. Life has changed so much in so many ways in the last 60 years for all of us. This means that it’s harder to have the resources to care for elderly people by family members, and to find care by the state. It’s so toxic that close family are just expected to tough all that out on an individualised basis.

@Cherubneddyyour post also chimed. Relatives recently over tell me how much they value my DF and what he means to them, except they weren’t the ones living with him as a DC when he was shouty and dismissive of my appearance and school grades ( got into a decent university) or his ongoing disappointment that neither I nor DS have chosen to go into the sciences for a career.

I mean it’s a long litany of minor complaints that I generally just choke down and change the topic of conversation to the weather. It’s becoming harder to push down when I have to wash sheets with what appears to be a small amount of his fecal matter on them, that literally no one else will change as they refuse to get more care in place.

I simply will not do personal care for him. That’s my red line. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable one. If he needs his bum wiping he will have to go into care or get carers.

None of us signed up for this, and many of us are not natural 'carers'. Even those of you with children must find this a totally different scenario. There's so many hard emotional dynamics - we see someone once capable become less so and we imagine our own future. And we (I) revert to Kevin and Perry teenage stroppiness as parent tells me what to do. I have the opposite problem of PP whose mother wants them to clean the top of the kitchen cabinets in that my DM ISA bit of a messy hoarder 😕

When all this kicked off - a mere few months ago - by DM having a fall and becoming bed bound, I suggested they got more paid help in. But no they vetoed it as too many strangers in already as DM having 4 carers a day.They allowed a cleaner once per week, refused to make it twice. I sent an email at the start when I still thought they actually gave a damn about me and my life, suggesting they get in daily help to support DF with cooking and life admin. This was rejected.

DH is supporting as well, difficulty is that it’s an hours drive away. If I left them to it lord knows what would happen. This trip I have had to deal with lost - perhaps stolen driving license- resulting in me having to contact their many financial institutions and check if anything stolen, thankfully not, and a disturbing letter about an alleged driving accident that DF may or may not have been involved in, which he can’t remember.Net result of that is probably him losing his license- which is overdue, please don’t give me grief about it - and me having to deal with the practical and emotional fall out from that.

I just wanted to express sympathy to you, OP, and others in your situation. I now have no parents alive but my father put me through some of this before he died. We had a very strained relationship for years and my brother was the golden child in every way but conveniently moved abroad before my father got ill. (I would get irritating weepy phonecalls from him about how worried he was.) The ‘not being a burden’ line was infuriating, as I would drive 90 minutes to him (with small baby) to run pointless errands for him - including a 9am non-essential hospital appointment with his favourite doctor who realised what was happening and stood him down from her clinic - and I just felt miserable at how much I resented him for it when he had offered me no support at all through my life (and of course his sisters had cared for his own mother in old age). But I couldn’t have cut him off for Big Reasons. He was a misogynist and self absorbed but not actually abusive.

100% yes - am currently having to care for my parent who whilst not the worst was certainly not the best, and since having children of my own I can understand or rationalise their behaviours even less. There are times I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing but then I know that more would fall to my sibling so I can’t do that to them

They allowed a cleaner once per week, refused to make it twice. I sent an email at the start when I still thought they actually gave a damn about me and my life, suggesting they get in daily help to support DF with cooking and life admin. This was rejected

I am being cruel to be kind

This isn't your problem.
They don't get to refuse and make you do it. If they refuse it doesn't get done.
It is bloody hard, but the only way through this is to be a facilitator.

You have to draw your boundaries higher if you are feeling like this.

Social worker here, I think times are changing a bit but certainly the older generation generally seem to expect their off spring (usually the female) to look after them. I would be very resentful too & suggest trying to put in boundaries & get your parents to spend their money on additional support- but getting people to part with their money is another challenge!

Totally relatable! I’m ‘lucky’ in that my DM lives next door so I can cut everything into manageable, daily chunks. We’ve still got the gardener and cleaner/carer coming once a week. On top of having my own mobility issues I work PT and do some voluntary work. My DM massively resents the voluntary work but doesn’t want to be a burden 🙄. She no longer drives so I make all her appointments myself so they’re at a time that suits me. My DB is too far away to be any practical help but is always good for a rant, as is my DH and best friend. It won’t let me post it here but look up the meme for the 🫶 emoji. I do that a lot and it helps me regroup!

I've got one of each, DF was the best dad ever and still is despite frailty but DM was emotionally absent, always busy, fussy and with mental health problems. We are just entering the difficult years and I'm dreading it if
DF dies first (likely) because my goodwill towards him benefits Mum and once he's gone I'm not sure how much patience I will have. I've had nearly 60 years of her trying my patience and having to tiptoe around her to avoid setting off an anxiety attack and Dad being the one I could turn to for everything. They didn't go through this themselves as they moved several hundred miles from both sets of parents when they married and siblings who stayed behind picked up the bulk of it when the time came.

So relieved to find this thread OP and I completely relate.
I have recently lost my dad. My mum is not a bad person, but she has clear traits suggestive of autism and dementia.

I love her and take on the duty to support her. Sadly she is not especially likeable. This has been consistent and predates the dementia.

I am trying to emotionally detach and focus on the tasks to be done. I would not be able ( or willing ) to take on any direct care for her. That will be outsourced. I anticipate that she will need residential care in time.
Caring for an elderly relative is nor a one person ( usually some poor female) job. Best done by professionals who can work in teams.
Xxx

Your honesty about this is so helpful to the many who find themselves in a similar situation. As others have said - definitely outsource what you can. The carer offer in Scotland is great and you’ve done well to get a cleaner agreed ( I never managed that!) - and do insist on a gardener. The other thing about others being involved is that you have extra eyes on what is happening and how they are managing.
It is tricky for you to be foisted with all the responsibilities and none of the privilege of choosing how to meet those - as your parents are wanting the final say.
These situations are often a marathon and so pacing yourself and not burning out is so important.
Online food shopping could also help if your Dad not driving even if you have to order. Best of luck - you are doing a great job and please don’t feel guilty for your understandable feelings💐

It is so important that people talk about finding themselves in these situations. Both of my parents are dead a number of years, one suddenly and one after a brief illness. So we never got to this stage of needing care. But I see MIL, who says quite openly that her children "owe" her! And like many of you, it's focused on her daughters rather than her sons. It makes me determined that my kids will never have to/ need to/ be expected to care for me. I have ( perhaps morbidly) told them that I hope to go like my own parents, and drop dead with no notice whatsoever.
Failing this plan, for those of you who say you wish your parents had put " things" in place before the need for so much care, what sort of things would I need to be doing?? Accessible downstairs loo, money saved for carer? What other things do you wish your parents had done earlier?

Op I'm not in this situation as my parents are dead...but I have to say I've never heard anyone I know say that looking after elderly parents is a privilege or something they love doing. In fact I've only ever heard people saying how tough it is...yes they love their parents but I don't think anyone particularly enjoys taking on this responsibility to be honest. Sounds like standard social media guff...u know like when parents say they love every minute of child rearing and making memories and blah blah blah. It's mostly nonsense and a way to make themselves either feel better or look good to others.

I honestly dont think anyone loves looking after elderly parents.

Mine are only in their 50s and 60s so not at that hurdle yet but my mum who works FT is constantly being guilt tripped into doing more and more for her parents. It makes me resent them so much and tbh I think it's made me clear that I will be doing very little when the time comes to it. I love my mum so much and we are very close and I dont want to resent her and hate spending time with her or feel obligated to being her carer.

My grandparents refuse any type of help or a cleaner and their house is dirty, the bathroom is disgusting but now my mum is talking about going over and cleaning their house every week. My attitude would be to leave it, it's their choice to live like that, they have plenty of money. Why do people feel like it's their duty in these types of situations? I'm not trying to be an ass I'm genuinely asking why people give in to their elderly relatives then get surprised at burn out and resentment etc

Just leave them to it. If they fall they fall, maybe next time theyll learn. From working with elderly people I know how stubborn and selfish they can be but all that does is make me more convinced that you have to take a step back and let things happen and if that is the only way to give them a wake up call so be it.

@Bababear987
I agree.
I do a lot for my mum - I basically run her life/home for her but I will not do personal care or cleaning...she gets attendance allowance for that.
I have my own house to clean!
Mum and I aren't close. She wasn't a great mum tbh, but I do my best to make sure she has all she needs and is comfortable.

And, like many others, I'm a "sandwich' carer...I still have dc at school/home.
My parents and pils didn't have to do any care for their respective parents...they had all died by their late 70s and none were ill/disabled beforehand.
I do think gen x women have had the shitty end of the stick wrt expectations of care, both from family and the nhs/government!

100% it's like women are expected to be able to split themselves into 3 people and just carry on

So many more responses, thank you from the bottom of my heart - I feel so listened to and appreciated which feels like a large part of it.

Ironically I think I have good boundaries. I used to come on here and encourage others to do less for their DPs, but it feels like a real boiling the frog situation. I try to shut down emotionally when I am there, but sometimes I can’t help myself and want to be the good DD and it feels awful to say that I or DH will not do something to DM (DF I care less about).

I think we all assumed that DF would die first as he is 5 years older, and then DM would have moved into a care home closer to me and I would have regularly visited her. Instead we are in the situation where DM is now bed bound, DF militant about staying at home or admitting any cognitive decline, so both basically propping each other up with me as unwilling magicians assistant being sawn in two to keep a DF I don’t particularly like in his own home.

If it was just DF, I would be tempted to leave him to it a bit more, but I can’t in all conscience do that to my DM. Ironically if it was just DF I could probably get more care in, but they are already a bit overwhelmed by the number of strangers in the house because of the carers and I do have sympathy for that.

I am in the situation work wise where my contract is ending and it hasn’t been an easy ride. I am looking for part time work because I can’t do everything. I try to remind myself that this is not just so I have time for DPs, but if I didn’t have them as a responsibility I would be tempted to throw my hat in for one last well paid challenging role. I am wrong when I said DM didn’t ask about me, she very specifically asked when my job was finishing, I would like to think it’s because she is interested but I am pretty sure it’s so she can ramp up her demands.

Yes, sandwich here too, my DCs are ND and have needed (and continue to need) significant extra support compared to their peers with things like school, job hunting, life admin, uni, general organisation etc. As well as all
the usual teenage things of being a taxi, driving practice etc. But in the last couple of years I have started feeling as though I'm getting more of my life back, taken on volunteer roles that I love as well as work, lots of exercise etc and now it's all in jeopardy again with no end in sight. DM frequently says how lucky she is to have us so near (25 miles so not immediately local) and that we can help her so much and how sorry she feels for people her age without children which makes me feel guilt-tripped and trapped.

Yes me too. Maybe it was that generation? I see friends posting on social media about how amazing their Dad is, best father in the world, etc and I just never had that feeling.

DF is no longer alive. He wasn’t a bad father to me, but not particularly likeable either and I never felt very close to him. It’s quite sad really. I am sure he thought he was a good father and probably compared to his own dad he was.
When he got very ill it was upsetting, but then after he died I didn’t feel a huge amount of grief. I would definitely spend time / do things for him out of a sense of duty, especially as he got more unwell and his topics of conversation were basically his health and complaints about everything and everyone. He did accept cleaners and carers in the end, after a lot of complaining of ‘what’s the point in having daughters if they don’t look after you’.

He was racist too which I found difficult to stomach, he would say things that normally if someone said I would walk away and never speak to them again, but when it’s your father who is dying what can you do? I would just hope that he never voiced any of it to his lovely carers.

Do you think with elderly parents, part of getting their children to do the chores is holding on to the relationship? Is it a fear that if they get cleaners or carers in, that they will be forgotten? But it just causes resentment, especially when you end up doing pointless chores, or picking up the eventual chaos of their refusal to get help.

And yes like others here I feel very stuck in the middle. My DM is still alive but with significant health issues and we are veering from one crisis to the next with a lot of reluctance from her to accept outside help. But yet she ‘doesn’t want to be any trouble’. We have a fairly good relationship but I do feel something is lacking, especially when I think back to my teenage years

I still have a school age DC who is ND with health issues so needs support. I have my own health to keep in mind plus menopause and would like to focus more on keeping myself fit and well. Being stressed affects my symptoms. I would like to change jobs to something more interesting/ challenging but feel stuck.

Shitty sandwich generation, basically.

I am currently sitting at Tottenham Hale station on my way home from a gruelling visit to my parents in the northeast. So I can very much empathise. Although my father always was a controlling violent narcissist and my mum an enabler. So definitely more towards the awful end of the spectrum.