Anyone else having to care for not amazing but not awful parents ?

[rookiemere]

After another taxing visit to my DPs, I am wondering if it’s normal for me to be so resentful and churlish about what I seem to be expected to do. They are very elderly and live an hour away, DM is now pretty much immobile and as we are in Scotland she gets four carers a day. DF who hadn’t done any household chores for years is managing to buy food and make their meals, but his memory is going.

I grudgingly got them to accept a cleaner for a whole 2 hours per week, but everything else falls on me, although of course they don’t want to be a burden . Lots of things starting to go wrong so I feel I or DS or DH, need to go up once a week, but I hate every visit with every fibre of my being. Today was pretty bad, as lots of accumulated paperwork and had to tell DM and DF that we weren’t going to be doing their gardening but we would find a gardener.

I wish I could just walk away and wash my hands of it. Thing is they weren’t bad parents, they did the best they could but have always been emotionally distant but financially generous. I have cultivated a very superficial level of relationship with DF over the years as he’s racist and misogynistic, but so are many people his age, but now having to spend so much time there, I find it almost intolerable.

I guess my question or point is on here I read about abusive and narcissistic elderly DPs and people are rightly told to cut off contact, or the other spectrum is those who consider it a badge of honour looking after their DPs. I am somewhere in between the two, and I just feel they are expecting a lot considering the type of relationship we have. I don’t know if I am making sense or if anyone else relates?

Yes, I can relate. Standards of parenting have changed enormously over the past half-century. There seems to be an expectation now that parents will occupy their children in interesting ways; by today's criteria, they would be considered "neglectful" and their approach to discipline, unforgivably violent (I blink sometimes at the "LTB" threads). It's just the way things were.

I think what helped me come to terms with appreciating them simply as flawed human beings, like the rest of us, was recognising over the years how similar we are... by which I mean temperamentally. This sort of thing expresses itself differently from one generation to the next, but the apple really doesn't seem to fall far from the tree.

Since one of my parents died, I have understood them a lot better. I can see what they were trying to achieve with their life and with me, and I know that their intentions were fundamentally good. That's a lot more than can be said for some parents.

This sort of released me to do the best I could for them in whatever way seemed appropriate to me (also flawed, obviously!), in a sort of tit-fer-tat.

Not sure if this answers your question!

Thanks for responding @Beachtastic. I agree standards have changed a lot, and I don’t think they are bad parents. I just read here about some posters who find it a privilege and an honour to look after their DPs, and I absolutely don’t. I hate all of it, changing their sheets, sorting out their hospital appointments, I feel angry and annoyed.
I do the chores because I am not a bad person, but I feel I must not be a good person to be so irate about having to help people who can no longer help themselves and I guess I am trying to find excuses for myself.

@rookiemere Don't beat yourself up for not feeling all Florence Nightingale about it! It's bloody hard work (and pretty thankless, as I'm sure you have found) 😂

Thanks for sharing this really resonates with me as I have a similar relationship with my parents and although not at a stage when they need help I imagine I would feel exactly the same.

You sound like a perfectly normal person OP.
They have carers and a cleaner, that's good. Try take a mental step back and cut back on the things you feel you 'should do' and only do the things that are really needed.

Maybe I am just normal.
I just dread every time I have to go there, I do it through duty and I feel very little emotion whilst I am there, I am mostly focused on working my way through the never ending list of tasks and then getting out again. I feel like I should be more sympathetic or empathetic, but I can’t.

I’m a step back from this - MIL and FIL are both elderly with significant care needs and their children find it all very stressful, exacerbated by both real and perceived family relationship problems.

Both of them have said to me (not in front of their children) that I’m lucky because I have a good relationship with my parents, with the heavy implication that they are hard done by and my parents would/will fare better because I’m the model of a dutiful daughter.

I don’t engage for obvious reasons, nor do I tell DP, BiL and SiL that this comes up regularly.

It’s all bloody difficult though.

I can relate to this.

Only got DF left to deal with but he’s a very negative person and I find him hard work. He wasn’t an awful parent but I wouldn’t say we are close either. Every visit feels like a chore!

I think what I find hardest to deal with is that he’s always preferred my siblings to me, yet they see him and do a lot less for him than I do, which makes me feel resentful.

Yes, I felt quite guilty that I often resented the things my elderly mother expected me to do for her or help her with. We didn't have a close relationship and it didn't come easily or naturally to me. She died 18 months ago and I still feel gratitude that I no longer have to be available to her! I don't feel happy about admitting that, but it is the truth. I have some fond memories scattered among the unhappy ones, but I don't feel grief and I truly don't miss her. It's kind of shocking in a way.

@itsachickeninnitmaybe I should be grateful I am an only DC, although relative went to visit them recently and DF was talking about changing the will.Good luck with that as I am the only sod that would be able to drive him to their solicitors 30 minutes away and I refuse to drive with him as a passenger as he shouts at other traffic and makes me nervous.

@LindorDoubleChoc thank you for sharing. I don’t think I will be terribly sad when my DPs die, which makes me an awful, selfish person. When Dm was my age she moved country away from her DPs and started a new job, leaving her siblings to look after my DGPs. It would be nice if she acknowledged that I don’t have that sane luxury.

Watching with interest… and sharing the thought. Mostly the caring burden hasn’t got to your stage yet, but I have a polite and dutiful relationship with my parents (who have had several major health issues in recent years) rather than feeling any great loving connection with them. They - without meaning to be - are unkind both to me and to each other and visits have always been a chore. My children always get excited at the thought of seeing the grandparents, but when I say it’s my parents not the others, their disappointment is palpable. I have to accept they’re not going to change, but (as someone said above) their intentions were good, even if their execution had often been awkward.

My problem is exacerbated by the fact that my only sibling (who for a long time was the golden child, though that has changed) left the UK as a young adult and I feel their relationship with my parents is still stuck with how a 20 year old wiuld relate to people in their mid 50s, not someone in their 40s relating to increasingly physically and mentally challenged folk in their 70s. So I end up having to manage their relationship too, otherwise I suffer with the “do you know what they did” conversations. .

I hear you OP. I’m where you are. My mum expects me to do things for her that I wouldn’t do for myself. She needs the tops of her kitchen cupboard cleaning regularly, she mothers my brother to do her lawn when it’s an inch high. Her admin must be done STRAIGHTWAY. My chores are just piling up. It’s boring and it’s tedious. For my mum and culture, how much you do and sacrifice for your parents equals how much you love them.

Having just done it for several years for my dM who has now died i would say you are just being realistic about your limits and needs which is absolutely fair enough.

It is hard and you are right to think about how you protect yourself from burning out in the long run as these things can last for years.

So it's about setting up systems for them- carers, cleaners, gardening and even meals on wheels. It is not attempting to do everything yourself. Be clear about your limits. They are valid and really important in the long run. There may have to be difficult decisions about care homes and your life and needs are part of that decision. You cannot afford to burn out.

There is no way you 'should' feel. Your feelings are just fine and you deserve a life of your own. Take care and look after yourself too.

This made me lol.

You are not alone. My DM are very close but I am resentful for several points such as no planning or even recognition of old age has been made. Just a “carry on as normal” attitude with things falling apart around her.

My expertise is good enough when an email needs to be sent or something needs to be googled but not for any other grown up matters.

It's far,far more common than you think and not talked about nearly enough. Not everyone had rose tinted childhoods, and elderly parents can be very difficult as their brains and bodies change. Don't beat yourself up - many many women (yes, mostly daughters of course) on this forum feel the same as you.

I know what you’re saying @rookiemere , I too feel obliged to support my elderly Dad. Luckily I have a close friend in a similar situation with her Mum so we can offload/rant to each other when we need to!

Truthfully, my Dad should never have become a parent, he’s always been too unstable. I’ve learnt a lot about how not to parent from him, which is positive I suppose. 😂

You don't need to feel great about all the tedious tasks and tedious conversations. You are doing the right thing in outsourcing as much as possible such as cleaning, shopping, gardening, and only dealing directly with the lifeadminstuff that can't be delegated. Work out where your boundaries are and stick to them. What I mean is- at some point they will be better off in residential care rather than you giving up increasing chunks of your life to look after them.

I think it’s more complicated maybe. If it was just changing sheets for someone who needed it that would just be a bit boring. It’s hard to see people age and lose capability. It’s hard to listen to the tasks that are not urgent and feel the “need” trying to fasten on you, as people begin to feel helpless. And knowing that it will get less reasonable, and dreading how the emotional need - which you can’t meet ever - will be expressed next. It’s completely exhausting. So be kind to yourself.

Gosh. I needed to read this thread. I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I really resent caring for my DM. Everyone comments on how lovely she is. But frankly, she was a shit parent at times. She’s spent her life refusing to face up to issues, letting her house virtually fall down around her, and her health deteriorate awfully due to alcohol, heavy smoking and literally no exercise at all. She won’t accept any responsibility for anything, she’s the victim, the fact she can hardly walk due to COPD, heart failure, ulcerated legs and obesity isn’t her fault, and nothing to do with her lifestyle.

Now she’s old and unable to do anything for herself, she and everyone else expects me now to sort her life out for her, including the house falling down around her, etc. Suddenly it’s all my responsibility. And I resent it massively. I live an hour away, work full time, have 2 teenage children and my own life, but now I have to pick up the pieces of her wreckage of a life. I resent it massively and feel so guilty for resenting it and her. If she just accepted some responsibility for the situation she’s found herself in I’d have more sympathy. Her refusal to accept that she’s old and her “ I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it” attitude means she now finds herself stuck in one room in a house falling down around her ears, not able to access the one toilet which is upstairs. And yes, of course, it is my responsibility to now sort it out for her.

Sorry OP, I went off on a bit of a rant there! But yes, you’re not alone.

You are not alone in this. I find myself resenting my dead parent. I think they knew what was coming and chose to die (totally curable cancer but didn't treat it) rather than face what lay ahead. I especially think this each time I wipe remaining parent's backside and know that dead parent would also not have coped dealing with catheter and all that that entails.

It colours how I feel about them both and I had a good childhood and relationship with them both. Struggling with my conscience over putting remaining parent into respite as I need a break and have things that need doing.

Sibling lives abroad and is similar in personality to dead parent. It has crossed my mind that they moved away so as not to have to deal with it all - they moved around the time the POA was set up.

I think it would be easier if they had been shit parents, then there would be less guilt. The resentment is a hard thing to admit to, isn't it?

I don't think you are alone. I fall into the category of having troubled parents, and troubled elder care issues, but DH is much more in your camp. His parents were loving and kind, but have led independent lives so now they are ageing providing support is increasingly difficult and veers between a mix of wanting/needing help over seemingly odd things like fixing a bit of guttering, to not wanting help to install a downstairs wet room (which they both need in order to remain at home, but are refusing to consider).

One thing I notice between us though, is that being an only child is more pressure. And being female is more pressure. I have no one to turn to, to just vent if nothing else, and there are infinitely more expectations on me as a daughter than there is on DH, who is one of 3 boys. This comes/came from my parents, their siblings, my cousins, the "system" ... everywhere. It is really lonely if I am honest. Especially when neither parent has put any measures in place to make any of this easier on anyone. They were divorced too, and live(d) in different countries which adds another layer of complications.

I am trying not to be resentful, but honestly - right now - it is taking all my will power.

On the otherhand, DH is frustrated because he can see what is happening to me and can't get his loving, kind parents to put measures in place, so he is increasingly irritable with the MIL/FIL.

All you do is to put as much in place as you can, ahead of time. Have the conversations with them about their wishes, be clear on what you will and won't do (my advice is outsource as much as possible even if you get guilt tripped), and make sure you know what to do before crisis hits.

@rookiemere i think your feelings are valid. It takes a lot out of you mentally looking after elderly parents. Sending hugs x

So many great replies overnight, I wish I could reply to all of them and I don’t know if I should be happy or sad that so many of us are in the same position.
This one really chimes with me @Renamed. Each visit is worse than the last and it’s hard to sort between the important matters - hospital appointments etc, and those that they deem to be important- DM is obsessed about getting the 50% discount on their TV license and spends much of my time talking about it, but is not registered blind so can’t - this would save them about £90 a year and they have huge savings.

Last time was particularly bad as any veneer of interest in me or DS was gone. I am merely a vessel to sort out their affairs, but then they expect emotional support as well and I absolutely have nothing left to give that to them.