How far do you travel to see your elderly parents? Looking for solidarity.

[StrawberriesandCreamTeaPlease]

I'm 71 and my Mum is late 90s. She lives 5 hours away (busy road, only partly motorway.)

I've been driving 'home' to see my parents (Dad died a few years ago) for 50 years since I left uni and moved away.

I'm now finding it very tiring. The traffic is always busy and I'm really tired when I arrive, don't sleep too well in my 'old room' but my mum doesn't seem to appreciate this. (She's in pretty good health for her age.)

She's never driven at all and doesn't understand how tiring 5 hours is in heavy traffic.

I travel to see her every 2-3 months, feel I should do it more often, but it's knackering to be honest.

400 mile round trip every six weeks and we stay for two nights.

Mine's a 500 round trip.

Are you doing it yourself? Are you in your 70s?

Not being confrontational (hope it doesn't come across that way) but just looking for similar experiences.

I just feel guilty for not doing it more often but I find it very tiring and although my DH comes along sometimes, he has serious health issues so it's not always possible.

In all honesty, my mum only lives an hours drive away.

I see her 3 or 4 times a year. She doesn't drive and hasn't been to my house in 17 years.

I think your remarkable to do that drive.

Could you travel a different way?
Is there somewhere else, more comfortable for you to stay during the visit?

Go when it’s less busy, get the train, get the coach. I assume you're not working full time?
When my grandma was alive, my DM used to visit her once a month from London - Manchester. She would set off early in the morning, stay for 2 nights, then set off back early in the morning again. On the other hand, her sister, my aunt, lived 2 miles away and was there every day to do all the life admin and caring.
Swings and roundabouts!

I think you are amazing, and if it isn’t working for you then you need to say that and stick to it. I’m 44 and my mum is 4 hours away and 77. I see her a few times a year at most. She wants to move closer and I am a bit scared of this, we aren’t close and I resent my brothers being her favourite children (her words) and yet I will be expected to care for her.

That’s one hec of a drive by yourself

I am guessing you have checked out public transport - it can take longer and be more expensive ( great) but I find it less stressful and indeed my mother last did the equivalent trip only a few years back - when she was 80 - to visit me

but it’s a huge chunk of your time

Thank you. I just need some perspective.

My Mum stopped coming to see me when she was 79 (she lost her confidence after a health scare) and my dad refused to travel.

I could do it by train but it would cost over £100 each way. And there are only around 2 direct trains a day. I would have no transport for the time I was there (although a sibling lives near her.)

My thinking has been to do a day trip but to make it work I'd need to be up and to the station by 8-ish and getting a train back by 6pm. (Train takes almost 3 hours.)

If I go with my H we do sometimes book into a hotel.

The train is definitely worth exploring.

During Covid I avoided any idea of the train as I didn't want to catch anything and pass it on to her.

The issue with the train is planning ahead for cheaper tickets.

450 mile round trip, only half on motorways. I'm 63, Dad 91. I go up every three months for four days. I wish it could be more often but I 'm a full time carer for DH so have to ensure he's being looked after too.

Not confrontational at all. DH drives and we are early seventies. TBH honest he enjoys spending time with my dad so doesn’t look upon it as a chore and he likes driving.

I think one issue is that my Mum isn't ungrateful but just doesn't appreciate how tiring the trip is. She behaves when I arrive as if I've just driven for 30 minutes!

It's 100x busier than when I did it 40 years ago! And I'm much older. I'm a confident driver but even so, as a woman on my own I do worry about breakdowns etc. (In the AA!)

I’m 49 but disabled (use a wheelchair).

I get given a sofa bed when I visit which is one reason I only go up two or three times a year.

it’s in theory a 4 hour drive but it’s on busy motorways that often have accidents. Worst case was 7 hours.

I've always lived abroad, right now I can visit by ferry, we go once or twice a year and it's a full day's travel (about a 6 or 7 hour drive once we hit the UK - assuming I'm not an idiot and arrive at the M25 at rush hour like last time!). I don't mind the driving, although I do need to walk it off at the other end and the kids do get a bit sick of it by the time we get there.

It's a lot, I think every 2-3 months seems fair enough TBH.

I guess the truth is I see it now as a bit of a challenge rather than something 'for pleasure'. I have friends saying 'enjoy your time with your mum' when the reality is I'm tired, want my own home and wish I could just pop in for half a day and come back.

look into train costs, might be worth getting a rail card. Could you meet half way occasionally and stay in a hotel for the night ?

Could you set her up with an ipad and facetime? Cut down on the amount of journeys and spend a couple of hours chatting on line.

Late 50s - I do a (long) day trip by train (tube then two trains - about 3.5/4 hrs each way) to see my dm in her 80s - we have abt 3/4 hours together and it costs abt 90 quid. I get a super off peak return as they are refundable if I cancel - I only go if weather OK and I am healthy as she is cautious abt illness at her age, so we decide at the last minute. It is a bit more than advance tickets but not that much, and the flexibility is more than worth it for me - it won't be for ever and I don't think I will regret it.

Sometimes I stay the night but the day trip does work as we talk non-stop, and would need a break then anyway, and I am busy at home too. I don't drive but that takes longer anyway. I go every month or two - more in good weather, less in winter, and a couple of other family members visit too so we try to space it out.

It works for us and is relaxing and not too tiring for me - I'm home in time for a late dinner.

I’d definitely go for the day trip option- if you get a railcard and plan ahead, it should be cheaper. If you’re on the train, it should be less tiring than driving, and you get home to your own bed. My parents are only 60 miles away, but it takes me 3 hours door to door by train (I don’t drive). I do it regularly as a day trip, although I appreciate I am younger.

I think that is a lot as, no disrespect, you are not a spring chicken. I'm in my 60s and would find it a lot to do regularly.

It sounds tough, OP. Thankfully mine moved to within 20 minutes of me, into sheltered accommodation, a couple of years ago. She is younger than yours but lives alone, has multiple life-limiting conditions that require frequent GP & hospital appts & inpatient stays, doesn't drive and I'm her main carer and only child. It's made life a thousand times easier.

Op,I am 54 and my mum is 73 so nearly the same age difference as you both, I couldn't see me doing what you do in my 70s, thankfully she isn't far I see her maybe twice a week on average but its usually a pop in for a coffee,

Please don't feel guilty about anything your mum is probably at the time of her life where she is just fed up caring about anything.

Would maybe the train be better, not to up your visits but just to cut down on your driving?

I'm 66, parents are late 80's. They live a 300 mile round trip away. Public transport is a nightmare, it would take a day to get there on the train so I have to drive.

I don't find the drive too bad at the moment, but this may change the older I get. I always stay overnight though as I find it too much to go there and back in a day.

You need to start having the conversation about your Mum moving closer to you. It might not be an option, but this isn't sustainable and I think you know it.

My DM is much closer now, but she used to live 300 miles away. Even in my 20s I would travel only 2 to 3 times a year to visit and stay over. I wouldn't contemplate it in my 70s.

500 miles round trip. Mum is in her 90s. I go by train. We don’t have a car, though. It is hard when you have a full-time job. I’m 59, so a way to go before retirement. I try to go up once a month