How far do you travel to see your elderly parents? Looking for solidarity.

[StrawberriesandCreamTeaPlease]

I'm 71 and my Mum is late 90s. She lives 5 hours away (busy road, only partly motorway.)

I've been driving 'home' to see my parents (Dad died a few years ago) for 50 years since I left uni and moved away.

I'm now finding it very tiring. The traffic is always busy and I'm really tired when I arrive, don't sleep too well in my 'old room' but my mum doesn't seem to appreciate this. (She's in pretty good health for her age.)

She's never driven at all and doesn't understand how tiring 5 hours is in heavy traffic.

I travel to see her every 2-3 months, feel I should do it more often, but it's knackering to be honest.

My parents were in Ireland so I bought a house there to be near them and ended up being full-time carer until they both died. My family said I stepped forward and other statements like this.

When I was in my late 20s/early 30s I used to drive around 280 miles (5 hours on a good day but once took 8!) to visit my dad and step mum who'd moved when dad retired. I found it incredibly tiring then, especially with a toddler in tow, but now that I'm 57 I think I'd need a couple of days to recover! Dad died 12 years ago and step mum moved again so it's not necessary anyway thankfully.

You can only do what you can do. I can't really think of anything that hasn't already been suggested but just wanted to say that I think you do bloody well to make the journey as often as you do! You have to look after yourself too, if you wear yourself out you're not going to be much use to your DM anyway.

I only visit about 4 , sometimes 5 times a year and usually stay for 3 nights, sometimes 4. It takes me a day to get over the driving. It's not a case of 'needing to' it's because she wants to see me and I want to see her. But I just wish it was a shorter journey and I didn't need to stay overnight. When I moved away 50 years ago I didn't know it would be 'forever' and now I'm older the journey is quite an effort.

I've tried various options- leaving very early like 6am, leaving late (in the summer and arriving there about 9pm) to try to make it an easier drive.

I just wondered how other adult children manage as they get older.

That sounds tough.

Honestly, OP, I would try the train, stop the chores, go for the day or just one night and go more often if that suits you, stop the guilt, and have some fun with your dm 😀. On my last visit, I did stay the night, and we went out for dinner and had a lovely conversation about her wartime childhood, stuff I'd never heard. As she gets older she is doing less, so spending less, and will contribute to my train fares and also to eg getting the garden done or jobs round the house. I live too far and visit too infrequently for my doing that to be sustainable or sensible- I think you do too. Have some fun and relax together - you are doing great.

260 km. Go about every 5 or 6 weeks. She's 91, I'm 61.

That's each way. I don't mind the drive, I do it both ways in a day for a funeral from time to time. It does kill a weekend though when you work full time.

I'm 57 and my parents live less than an hour's drive in good conditions. They are 88 and 90 and pretty immobile.

Have an older sister who doesn't drive and lives further away so I do all lifts to appointments and emergencies etc.

I've been today and I'm knackered this evening and will go to bed early after going today to take mum to appointment and helping out with a few other things.

I find worrying about them really stressful and we don't really get to do many fun things when I'm down there any more sadly.

So I'm reading your thread and think I'm a being feeble really compared to you op! Unfortunately I can't think of many suggestions apart from the train suggestions. Or maybe making trips more appealing with other things tagged on; a night in a hotel somewhere else of practical.

I certainly sympathise with your thoughts on sleeping at your mum's. One thing I have that's easier than my sister is I can escape to my own house and don't stay over. My sister nearly always does stay.

DM is nearly 80, I'm mid 50s, she's about a 4.5 hour drive away, and public transport is a nightmare as it involves multiple trains / tubes / taxis. I've not seen her in 4 years - when I was younger I used to go several times a year but it dawned on me a few years ago that I've always been the one to make all the effort and do all the travelling even when she was younger than I am now.

I now have back problems that make the journey tricky. In recent years I've suggested various things that mean I don't have to do the whole journey, and my sibling has even offered to drive her down for a visit as they live close by, but she's refused every one of them, so I've given up.

She makes sad noises about not seeing me, but is willing to make zero effort so <shrug>.

Same. Mum is 500 miles round trip away and I do it in a day by train every 3-4 weeks. She is in a care home so I have nothing to do when there other than sit with her. It’s a long day but easier in summer.

My mum is 40 minutes away. My Dad was 50 minutes away in the other direction so that was a challenge when they both needed me at the same time. We moved him in with us to make it easier, and will do the same for mum when the time comes but at the moment she's independent so I only have to go over 1-2 times a week.

750 miles one way. I go for a week every few months but it’s hard and I’d give my left leg if she’d just move closer to me.

We're at a different life stage to you but having a similar experience. My parents are 250miles away but its a 5hr+ drive as we are on the wrong side of London so it takes 1hr-90mins just to get onto the right motorway, before the journey even really starts. DH has never learnt to drive so its all on me for now until he passes his test. We also have two DC under 4. So I just don't do the drive now. It was too much, too stressful. We try and be organised about booking train fares, use railcards etc to get the lowest cost. We also have a cheap, old runaround car that we keep at my parents for use when we arrive, so all we have to do is arrange a lift or taxi from the station when we get there. We've even started keeping bits at my parents, like toiletries, pjs, some casual clothes etc so that we can travel extremely lightly / just a rucksack so we don't need to worry about packing lots. Might be worth trying once and seeing if it takes some of the stress away?

The other thing is that stood out is about not sleeping well in your "old room". How old is the bed or mattress in there? We arranged for a new bed and mattress for us at my parents house, because we had been sleeping really badly. Its made a big difference. I think even though the previous one hadn't been used that frequently, it was probably about 20yrs old and age alone meant it was past its best!

Hi @StrawberriesandCreamTeaPlease re the back ache when in the car, my mum has a seat pad that helps enormously. She has a degenerative spine condition so gets a lot of pretty bad pain. Using this makes car travel workable.

Something like this. thepillowhome.com/products/orthoseat-orthopedic-seat-cushion

My mum lives 2-2-5 hours drive away and is 85. She's getting slower and more frail but manages OK. I've just retired so plan to go down more often but it is knackering. She's full on and there's always plenty to do when I get there. Staying is OK but it's hard work - and I have to work hard to be patient (I'm not a natural carer type😉).

She's just been here for a week. Gone are the days when she could pop here for a weekend - now it's longer stays. I was utterly exhausted by the end of it. She's up at 6, telly on (news and perky tv presenters. - can't stand them 😂) , and chats incessantly. I mean all the time 😬. Long-winded tales of small events told in intricate, meandering detail, political rants, and -my favourite- sharing and reading out ALL of her many FB posts, and those of her FB friends. And friends of friends. Bless her. I know that it's kind of sweet and that one day I will look back and miss these times but at 8am after a shit nights sleep, it takes reserves to get through without snapping. Then a full day of prepping food, helping with stuff, keeping her entertained, trying to hear what she's saying from another room (😬) , followed by an evening of trying to find something on the telly, fiddling with subtitles, talking over all of the dialogue then falling asleep on the sofa, but then waking up all lively and talking incessantly at me until bed time. Utterly exhausting. Like I said I'm not a good, patient carer. I do love her and her eccentricities though. I'm lucky to have a nice, loving mum - I know many don't.

But that type of day on top of a drive is a lot. I try to escape to the garden for a couple of hours when I visit. Makes it more relaxing for me, her garden looks better so we both benefit.

One of my friend's mums has sold her house and moved to a rented retirement flat /complex. She's loving it and it's nearer for my mate to visit. Is that an option for your mum or is she too frail? It's something I'm hoping we can persuade my mum to do at some point but not sure how suitable that will be.

Parenting of parents is hard isn't it?

800 mile round trip. Always involves ferry and plane plus different combinations of several bus, taxi or tram depending on connections and route taken. Currently doing this every 6 weeks on average and costing a fortune. It’s mentally and physically draining, plus my young child gets upset 😔

My mum used to live 2.5 hours drive away and I hated the drive with every fibre of my being. I sympathise.

I would definitely start booking into a Premier Inn so that at least you can sleep.

Go by train. Can you stay with your sibling? I imagine your sibling does a lot of the grunt work so maybe spend some nice time with them too, going out for a meal/day out?

DF in 90s, 4 hour drive away. Still very active and enjoying life with his wife. Lots of friends and support locally.

I have severe ME so can’t do the journey more than once a year, and even at that frequency, I’m shredded by the journey, the first few days there I have horrible exhaustion and recovery when back home takes 2 weeks. After many years of fine tuning, I and DP rent a cheapish holiday let for 2 weeks nearby and visit DF every other day. This does make it possible to ‘pop in’ for short visits, which is great. On the downside, this blows almost our entire holiday budget, so seeing DF has been my annual holiday for the last 8 years (DF appears totally unaware/ unconcerned about this). Also, leaving for the last time is hell as I know I won’t see him for another year, if ever. I feel tormented about it, but also have DM 1 hour away in the opposite direction, who is actually in a much worse state of decline than DF.

Taking the 2 together and quoting an old friend, ‘It’s a lot’

I’m touched by these thoughtful comments and all the effort PPs are going to for their parents.

I’m 57 (only child) and mum is 84, lives 3k+ miles away, about 14hrs door to door.

I’m in a very particular position (no kids, light schedule) so can go several times per year. I’ve stepped it up post covid and stay as long as possible as the trip is so expensive.

We get on pretty well but like a PP’s mum my mum is very chatty and wants to spend every minute together, which I find hard. Despite being gregarious and having a huge pool of friends she has reduced social contact and is increasingly dependent on me for the kind of stimulation she used to get from her career and social life.

I try to make it as convenient and comfortable as possible and I’m lucky that I can leave a lot of my bits (clothes , meds, toiletries etc) there to minimise packing. That is crucial, it helps me slot in with minimal transition stress.

Currently we’re considering my
mum’s options to move somewhere where she would receive more day to day support which would take some of the pressure off.

We have it relatively easy tbh, and it’s still hard.

I empathise OP. My mum is 280 miles away. I don't drive so when I go on my own I go by train (6 hour journey). I buy a £30 annual senior rail card which pays for itself within a couple of trips- up to 30% off normal price. I set up alerts on Trainline so I know when the cheapest tickets become available. This is great if you know in advance when you're likely to be travelling.
The other thing you could consider when making the journey by car is breaking up the journey by staying the night somewhere halfway - e.g.Premier Inn? Me and DH are thinking about this for next time we both go as like you he is now finding the drive too much.
I realise both these alternatives might involve more expense, but could be worth it to save your energy and sanity 🙂.
It's so hard when parents live so far away - sending empathy and best wishes OP.

Most recently I left home at 9am and arrived at my parents 8pm, having travelled by foot / train / second train / plane / bus / second bus / car to get there. I have two kids and a DH (who’s parents live not for from mine), and we visit 2 x per year usually, though DH and I are starting to make shorter trips on our own as both parents and kids get older. It costs a bloody fortune and means we sacrifice / have sacrificed endless holiday time to it.

my parents are in their 70s and in pretty good health so we are maintaining the pretence that we come ‘on holiday’ to stay with them. That stage has passed for DH. His dad is very frail but still at home with carers, his mum died at Christmas after 4.5 years in a nursing home. He feels very guilty that his sister, who lives 10 minutes drive away, does all the heavy lifting. But tbh that is also her choice.

so I would say to you OP the same as I say to her: you have a choice, you have agency, no one is holding a gun to your head. You get to decide what you want / are willing to do. Nothing stays the same forever, and you can make different choices.

I think that's brilliant OP, and driving distances like that will keep you confident with driving/traffic etc.

I live in outer London and I'm late 50s but so many of my friends a similar age have stopped driving on motorways or into busy places, they've lost their confidence. It's quite scary as they aren't old.

Thanks all. I'm grateful for all the kind thoughts.