How far do you travel to see your elderly parents? Looking for solidarity.

[StrawberriesandCreamTeaPlease]

I'm 71 and my Mum is late 90s. She lives 5 hours away (busy road, only partly motorway.)

I've been driving 'home' to see my parents (Dad died a few years ago) for 50 years since I left uni and moved away.

I'm now finding it very tiring. The traffic is always busy and I'm really tired when I arrive, don't sleep too well in my 'old room' but my mum doesn't seem to appreciate this. (She's in pretty good health for her age.)

She's never driven at all and doesn't understand how tiring 5 hours is in heavy traffic.

I travel to see her every 2-3 months, feel I should do it more often, but it's knackering to be honest.

My much loved paternal grandparents lived about 2.5-3hr drive from my parents. We used to go see them about once every 2-3 months throughout my childhood. They reached a stage where they needed a lot more, and my dad (at that point he'd have been in his 50s, still working) was going either weekly or every other week for about 6 months before essentially insisting that my grandparents either moved or started getting paid help to do what he was doing. They did move, somewhat reluctantly, and thank goodness because the situation was pretty intolerable.

Get a railcard and go by train. Stay two or three nights and get food delivered if necessary. The rail card might well pay for itself on the first trip. If you use The Train Line it will automatically find the cheapest option.

How old is your sibling? Are they hale and hearty? Doing a lot of heavy lifting?

Maybe you need to stop beating yourself up about it. If you lived in Australia you'd probably see her every couple of years at best unless you had pots of cash.
Perhaps consider your visits as "respite" for your sibling, an entire week or two weeks off annually. Maybe another visit for a long weekend at most. Go home and stay in a hotel or a cottage, see your mum daily on a "pop in" basis so she has some support / human contact and your sibling can forget all about her and go on holiday for a couple of weeks?

I was going to suggest that.

Could sibling bring them to meet you half way?

Try not to feel guilty. You are doing your best.

I am 71 and my mother is in her 90s too. I go to stay with her for 5 days every month. I used to drive - about 3 and a half hours - but I just find it too tiring now so I take the train. It takes 5 hours with 2 changes but I find it so much less exhausting. It does mean that I don't have transport when I'm there but we can take a taxi to go out if we need to.

My advice for what it's worth is to visit as frequently and by whatever means you can manage most easily. You are doing your best and there is no need to feel guilty. Look after yourself.

Got a rail card as classed as a 'senior'.

She couldn't cope with the car journey of 130 miles. Too frail. Couldn't stay in a hotel.

My soul mate! Very kind of you to be so supportive.

Yep we do that sometimes. She does get a bit overwhelmed by the IT even with someone helping her!

Meeting half way- no chance. I did think of this a while back but she's so nervous in a car she'd not cope and her back etc starts getting stiff about half an hour. No way could she do a 2 hr trip.

I’m several decades younger than you and was at that distance. I drove it probably once every other year. I did it by train maybe twice a year. She’d do the journey the other way twice a year. So 3-4 visits a year in total.

I work and have children at primary school so don’t have the time, energy or interest to go more often.

We've since moved to 2-3 hours away but kept visiting the same as still have the job and the children!

Years ago, before this job and children I’d go much more often (maybe twice a month?) but I did find it was preventing me settling in in the area I lived as I was never there at weekends to build a social life. Also, petrol prices were a lot cheaper then.

I used to do a 100 mile round trip once a week. DP goes 250 miles round trip by train every 6 weeks and stays overnight. But this was when they both needed quite a lot of help.

Would your mum consider moving closer to you. Or would you not want that?

Out of the question- she's nudging towards a century , is very settled in a town close to where she was born and has lived all her life, and has my sibling in the same town.

I'm 60. We live 500 miles away from DPs. We go to visit a couple of times a year for a week. It's exhausting and frankly I feel they take the effort for granted.

Just sending empathy. I’ve driven 2.5 x2 today with my young adult but non driving kids to see MIL who is 90.

I’m 54 and now dozing…. V heavy traffic even though weather good. It takes it out of you.

I just find the driving more tiring and the traffic is heavier. And when I'm there, I never stop- doing chores and gardening (she doesn't force me- I offer.) But I genuinely think she doesn't appreciate my age. In her head she still thinks of me as 35 I'm sure!

She never puts me under any pressure to see her, but in my mind it's become a chore which makes me feel bad.

Sibling is 10 years younger, single, no kids. On the doorstep.
Does lots of chores for her.

When I've driven for 120 miles I'm just half way there. I find 3 hours a comfortable driving time. After that I'm getting back ache, despite having a decent car, and yes, I have plenty of stops for a breather.

I hear you, OP. DH is 50s, his mum is 80s and I really don’t think she understands how knackering it is for him after a week’s work. It’s between a 4 and 6 hour round trip, a long slog across London and then motorway.

My DM is a roughly 250 mile round trip, takes me between 2.15/2.5 hours drive each way, some motorway, other A roads. She’s 83 and in reasonable health, I’m fortunate to be retired so I spend 2 or 3 days there and drive her to where she needs to go to stock up on heavier shopping items. She treats me to dinner and lunch as a thank you so I know she appreciates me spending time with her and I go roughly every 6 weeks. Sometimes DH comes too but generally I go by myself.
I could get the train, which I’m thinking about but it definitely takes longer however I’m finding I’m getting more apprehensive about the drive lately.

If your sibling is in the same town why do you need to visit her so often? Mine is late eighties and I see her a few times a year. We don’t get on and even though she’s a half hour drive away I dread it. In your position I wouod visit much less frequently. Would she be able to do FaceTime calls?

I think you are doing plenty and shouldn't expect more of yourself.

I'm younger than you and my round-trip is less than half of yours OP and I only manage it once every couple of months and find it exhausting. Driving for that kind of time is really draining. Don't feel guilty, you are fine.

If you want to do more, let it be non-visit things - more phone calls. Send her things - postcards, magazine clippings, just anything that tells her you think of her.

If my parents were that far I would be booking a hotel night half way and break the driving over 2 days each way. I simply couldn't do it all in one go.

My parent is 80ish and lives 20 hours away. We haven’t visited in person in several years.

once a year. parents live abroad

My parents were a 4 hour drive away and have now moved and live a 3 minute walk from us. I appreciate them being round the corner every single day. It's a privilege to be able to just pop in.

I used to go once a month when they were further away and was away from home for 2 nights. I drove there late afternoon and stayed in a nice hotel with a swimming pool and nice bar and restaurant.

The hotel was maybe half an hour from their house so I'd get up next day, have a nice breakfast then be with them by 10am feeling like I'd had a rest and not just driven for hours and all tense and stressed.

I'd spend the day with them, sleep at their house the second night, and head home about 4pm.

I made the hotel a little treat in my head to make up for all the driving. One night a month by myself in a nice hotel.

The drive home was a drag though.

If I were you I'd stay a night in a hotel. Try to build something in you'll enjoy then it doesn't feel just like a massive chore.

I'm 65 and I travel around 12,000 miles most years to see my parents in their 90s.

But more seriously, could you take the train & taxis?