Any advice to convince MIL of a sensible house move

[blueskygreengrass2]

I am hugely frustrated and looking for advice and pearls of wisdom.

Long summary below but if you can't be bothered to read it all (I don't blame you) we want to convince MIL to move to sheltered accommodation or some kind of retirement community rather than a small house in our town.

MIL is 80 and has serious memory issues - repeats stories, cannot remember information just given to her, unable to cope well in new environments (hotels etc), losing her mobile phone etc constantly, unable to cope with quite simple admin like banking. This all makes her very panicky and depressed. She has had all the relevant medical tests and received no diagnosis other than normal memory decline for her age. Everyone who knows her does not think this is an adequate description of her condition.

She recently had some kind of episode where she stopped taking her medication (including anti anxiety meds) and possibly had a UTI and was unable to function. She seemed to stop eating and was asking everyone she knew in her village to help her with paperwork (paperwork DH had visited her to sort out and simplify). She became a shell of herself to be honest and we received many guilt inducing messages about how she needed help.

I feel very sorry for her and wish we could help more. We have 2 young children though and she doesn't drive and lives 2 hours away. We do see her twice a month but it is a lot of work. Her cottage is too small to sleep us all (and she finds it stressful having guests) so more often than not my DH does a 4 hour round trip to collect her and another 4 hour trip to get her home.

DH has financial and medical POA and attends most medical appts with her.

Following the 'episode' she was obviously scared and agreed to move to our town. We all agreed on a flat in an Audley place (I know they are a money pit, she can afford it, can't cope with thread being derailed). She can afford to buy outright so no chain, minimal stress and we will sell her place for her when she has moved.

But now she is more confident and feeling better she is backtracking and saying she wants to buy a house. We just really think it is a bad idea! The viewings themselves will be a total headache (8 hours of driving each time) and I just don't think she will cope with a new home at all. Plus she has no friends here - it feels more likely that she will feel less lonely in the Audley place, even if she doesn't make friends (she seems reluctant) because at least she will see people day to day. Crucially the Audley place may well see her through.

A few years ago when she was in a better place she decided to move near us and made an offer on somewhere but the stress of the process caused her to have a mini breakdown and she backed out (this was what initiated the anti anxiety medication I believe!)

Any wisdom on convincing her to be sensible?

I have read this through and it sounds a bit cold. We just want what's best for her. If she is near us we will be able to include her in our lives and keep her busy. She loves our dog and her grandchildren so much, there is not much for her in her village other than a couple of also elderly friends. Sorry for typos - kids waking.

I agree with a lot that has been said. Part of the issue is that some, not all, retirement housing options are not always a good deal.

Clearly no business can run at a loss but the retirement villages with their buy back requirement, the high service charges and constraints with McCarthy & Stone etc. sheltered accommodation make it daunting financially to commit.

If she goes downhill then she may quickly outgrow your plan. I don't know if Audley can refuse people back after hospital stays, but a friend of my Mums was refused by her warden controlled place.

Having company might not be her priority. It was the one thing my Dad didn't like in his excellent respite care home stay. There are always some annoying people when you put lots together. That can impact the enjoyment of your home.

The normal route is to arrange to have carers call once a day. This can be increased until about 4 calls a day and then care homes are considered.

My DMIL wants to leave her home 'feet first' so a move has always been off the table, as the assumption is a gentle death in her sleep. Doesn't quite work like that though. Now at 93, the situation is becoming more tricky. Of course she's happy while we run around, with a 50 mile round journey to do so. Looks like she'll be moving in with us for a split week, half a week at ours, half a week back at hers, so we can make sure she eats etc. I'm not doing it to my kids.

What a tricky time so many of us are having - I feel like we are at the beginning of a long road. This thread has been very helpful for me - I can only lead the horse to water and all that x

Because that’s the point. IOU have to move before it’s a problem. Once it’s a problem it’s a problem. And there are enough threads on here about the issues when people leave it until they need to move.

OK, but my MIL didn't need to move until she was 84. My former neighbour didn't have to move until she was 94. Both were in their garden a lot until those ages. Should they have been denied 14 and 24 years of the joy that their garden brought because someone thinks 70 is the magic age to downsize? I'd rather have to deal with downsizing my parents when it's not as easy than rob them of the chance to get the full pleasure out of their garden, possibly decades too early.

I just wanted to update 6 or so months later because someone has been liking my posts and maybe this will be helpful for someone one day.

So. We convinced her to move to a small flat in a village near us to see what it was like. A six month rental that we offered to pay for but she insisted on paying for once she had moved in. The experiment was a success because:

1. She almost immediately realised how beneficial it would be to move near us and her house is now almost sold (due to exchange this week).
2. She realised she actually does want somewhere with more help and built in community, and so is going to buy in a residential community type place near us. We think this is much more sensible than buying somewhere stand alone and has put our minds at rest MASSIVELY.
3. There was a lot of concern about how she would cope with new appliances etc - actually that wasn't a problem. She cooks relatively simply anyway. She did struggle with things like catching a bus (she no longer drives) but she also struggled with that at her home. Overall her 'appliance/technology' stress was reduced because we were able to assist with simple things like logging into her NHS app.
4. She does genuinely fun/sweet things with us. Her life is much more full and busy.

The future is going to be messy of course. With a dementia diagnosis she will have to move again and I imagine selling will be difficult/make a huge loss. But in our particular situation having her near us is going to make everyone's life so much better. Hopefully we have some good years left.

Thank you for all the advice you provided.

Great update - so please it went well
my MIL also moved closer to us (as I mentioned) and the supported living staff have been invaluable for us with helping chase prescriptions / keeping a general eye on her / ensuring she eats
it really helps in this inbetween world where she needs support, but in no way is she ready to need full care

When an elderly Aunt and Uncle struggled due to her dementia and lived over three hundred miles away we managed to rent a flat in assisted housing by that I mean a warden and call buttons close to us. Whilst they rented their bungalow was sold. Would this be an option?

i don’t have a lot to add but wanted to say you don’t sound cold at all OP. You sound like you want the best for her.

Can’t believe these posters advising to step BACK with help if the elderly relative doesn’t do as they’re told!

Unless she’s a danger to herself or others, then visiting carers to help with practical stuff whilst remaining in her own home with all the associated memories will be much better. I agree that moving with any dementia at all will exacerbate it and the person will be deeply unhappy. OP describes the current house as a cottage, so it’s unlikely to be massive anyway.

Maybe not what you want to hear, however it sounds to me as if the time for a move to a semi independent living situation has passed. Because of her short term memory issues.

I can't stress enough that people need to consider moving before they encounter problems be they physical or cognitive. Moving when someone already has cognitive decline is unlikely to work out well. There's confusion about the new home, the new local area, loss of friends, contacts and routines. Even if your MIL haven't got lots of friends nearby currently, she clearly has people who look out for her as you say you've had many calls from neighbours about her recent health issues.

My suggestion - let her stay where she is, raising the move will simply cause distress. If she's OK for money - buy in local support. Newsflash - she will resist this as well, so start small and start soon. For example a gardener, a cleaner, an afternoon social group, with a taxi transfer. As I say, there'll be resistance so if you can link up with a neighbour or 2 to also invite / persuade her that will be all to the good.

And be prepared - this can end up as a slow car crash where everyone knows what's going to happen but there is nothing you can do to prevent it - other than to know it's going to happen and in that sense you're prepared.

My apologies - just read your update post - I should have read the whole thread.

Thank you for your update, I only saw your thread today, we are in a similar position with MIL. At 70 she was struggling financially, she lives 30 mins from central London so her house is worth a lot but she is cash poor. We wanted her to move then as we live up North she could have easily bought a house and had loads surplus, this was years ago. Now she wants to move at 84 but she wants to move in with us, this will never happen. DH stayed with her for 6 weeks last year as she had cancer. He had just taken early retirement so our 12 week road trip did not happen. It became apparent just how difficult it all is. Having seen what has happened with her DS has said that he doesn’t want to live more than an hour away.

I wouldn’t mind some sort of communal living, she wouldn’t cope. I think the crux is how private a person you are.

My father in law at85 moved
150 miles last year from a house in a dead village in Kent to a bungalow in frome 20 minutes drive from us - he’s had a really busy and quite fun year, bits to the house, joining an elderly friendship club which he enjoys once a week, sorting his much smaller but ok garden - getting rid of some gas things (oven, hob, fire etc) in favour of electric - he doesn’t have obvious dementia at all and has no carers or cleaners. - I think it’s wrong to generalise, it really depends on health, attitude to spending money on help if needed, and how much they value what they have already - my fils partner had died 5 years previously, Covid then got in the way but I think he no longer felt a tie to where he was and wanted a change and a bit more life!! - even at 85

I have tried to get two elderly relatives to make a similar move over the past decade. Both flip flopped. The first ended up losing capacity and going into a home, but thankfully they didn’t find this too distressing as they had very little idea of what was going on by that stage, and the other is still toughing it out, but I’ve had to draw back my support a little because I also have two small DC and just don’t have the time to do a 2 hour round trip because they can’t find a particular programme on their tele.

Whilst I understand we cannot expect people to leave lovely homes and gardens if they are managing it is really more about thinking ahead.

What seems to end up happening is a hospitalisation occurs and then a discharge home is discussed. Then it is realised that there is no downstairs bathroom. The stairs are too much and a stairlift might not be suitable. There are fall risks in the house. The bathroom is not easily usable…shower over a bath for example. They don’t ‘want’ carers in. So what do they want? Unqualified family running themselves ragged?

It is impossible to completely future proof but for me rattling around in a big old house once our children left made no sense. It came to a point things needed upgrading and that would have been expensive. That and my own parents inertia at planning for old old age spurred me on to bite the bullet and downsize.

Bus route, essential. Local amenities also essential.

For those saying we should not make people move, I agree, but some proper discussions need to take place when they are starting to rely on family to do the basics such as shopping and cleaning.

@BlueLegume I absolutely agree - in the end that’s what made my FIL start Swedish death clearing and move out - he was well aware that all the facilities in their village one by one were going and he needed to drive 5 miles to even do a shop of any kind - no decent bus service either and no medical facilities for 8 miles - he did say one day I need to do this whilst I can - even at 85 ! Now has regular bus, train, large newish medical centre and injury centre on doorstep (2 mins) - a coop and a spar within 2 minutes walk and town a 10 minute walk away and a pub over the road - I sense he’s a lot happier - because he’s less worried about access to facilities or not being able to drive ( he still can) or a medical emergency . I do think we need to be building more apartments with a good balcony or ground floor ones with a private patio area etc - that’s a lot of older blocks built in nice grounds are also a good bet . If we brought in rules too in retired flat developments whereby service charges were restricted and people had to pay and buy an insurance policy at the beginning that covered off service charges and council tax whilst selling - I suspect the take up would massively improve and places keep some value far easier .

I am 81 but still compos mentis. DH is a few years younger. We live in a big Victorian house, with lots of ‘stuff’. Our sons were keen for us to look for a bungalow; we were not keen as the position of our house is perfect.Quiet road, easy stroll into town, nice walks along the river and around the local castle. Less than a mile to DS2 and close to grandchildren. DS1 about 75 minutes drive away.

The thought of clearing the house, the expenses of house buying and selling was very off putting as pointed out by C8H10N4O2.

Rather than a slow ugly stairlift chugging up our stairs which have a bend in them we opted for a real lift.

Yes it was not cheap, less expensive however than house selling buying and moving but unbelievably life enhancing. Rather than plodding carefully up and down stairs (mindful of the current thread about horrific falls) I zoom up in my ‘space ship’. So easy now to pop upstairs to pick up a forgotten item rather than ask DH to fetch it. It is tucked away in a small, little used office and emerges upstairs into a room used for storing spare bedclothes.

The other life enhancement was a successful application for Attendance Allowance, since despite the lift DH has to keep an eye on me with showers and general wobbliness. This a tax free non-means tested grant of £114 a week.No one on this thread seems to have mentioned it but it should help with care costs.

We hope to hang on here for a few more years.

What a great thread and I am glad for op that it worked out

@TrickyD the lift sounds brilliant. Also good point regarding Attendance Allowance. Sadly my own parents home would not really accommodate a lift and even if it would they’d most likely have resisted it. They did receive full AA but didn’t actually use it to help with anything. Saved it for ‘a rainy day’ even though the monsoon had arrived and was in full flow.

I am interested in the lots of ‘stuff’ you mentioned. My own adult children left home well over 10 years ago and in my old house I was really conscious not to clutter up their old rooms with ‘stuff’. My nature is to be very tidy so rather than judge people who like ‘stuff’ can you explain why getting rid of things is daunting? I say this kindly as at some point I will be responsible for sorting my parents house out. Whilst the house itself is well decorated with expensive furniture etc every cupboard and wardrobe is rammed full of ‘stuff’. The outbuildings are the same. My mother’s explanation that she is a ‘war baby’ does not really make sense as she has always had lots of stuff. As i kid I recall an airing cupboard stacked high with towels, new ones not hand me downs. She has a whole chest of drawers full of socks and underwear, all new not old greying stuff.

It is good to hear you are enjoying enjoying life and I understand downsizing is tough, we did it and leaving a lovely family home is a wrench. I just could not expect my adult children to be responsible for sorting my things out when they would possibly be also mourning our death or at least sorting us out with nursing/care homes. That is incredibly stressful in itself.

@BlueLegume
I understand your querying our ‘stuff’ and your suggestion that it would be unkind to our children to make them sort it all out.
A lot of the stuff is really handsome antique furniture that came from my parents’ house plus pictures, silver, and similar items - and the equivalent of your socks and towel hoards. My mum died in 1993 and left me all her belongings as she knew my brothers would not be interested in any of it. DH and I sorted out all the rubbishy things but were left with plenty to absorb into our own house. We are very happy with the result; the house was featured in a ‘homes’ magazine.
When our DSs ask about items, we tell them what is probably worth hanging on to but will leave it to them to do the sorting out. We tell them we had to do it for my mum and they will need to do it eventually for us. They seem, if not delighted, resigned.
At least they will be able to use the lift to cart stuff downstairs.

Sheltered housing will not solve your problems if anything it will add to them

by the sounds of it she will soon be past the scope of sheltered housing and they would want her out
sheltered housing is not a care facility

I'd honestly facilitate her move to a local house..make sure it's got a downstairs loo at the least and a separate downstairs room that could become a bedroom at some point. On a bus route.

Been there, done that. My mum absolutely knew she was loosing the ability to cope and wanted to move but would accept zero solutions. The only solution she wanted was to be 16 again. In the end she was 80 miles away with a bad outcome.

If she is willing right now then grab that before she changes her mind. If she then can't cope you can talk again as the smaller house nearer you option will be used and didn't work.

I'm really sorry. It's such a horrible time. I think I had a walking breakdown but no one noticed. When you young kids too your being ripped in two. Now my in laws are falling down the stairs have resulting brain injuries and refusing to modify their life in any way. But they are 300 miles away. I'm heartbroken but I'm never killing myself for another irresponsible adult with full capacity again. My mums capacity was failing but my sibling didn't see it. So heart breaking.

What seems to be universal.is the frailer person willingness to accept things will unlikely get better and they need to proactively future proof. It seems it's alway reactionary choices. Whatever choice she will willing take, grab. Before she changes her mind again. She must be very scared too.

@TrickyD liking the sound of the lift although clearly you need the right kind of house to put one in - but yes anyone who has a roomy house especially with unused rooms , seems a good idea to me - do you mind saying how much ? As I don’t know if we talking in the under£10k park, over 20k or in the middle? Is it reliable?