Any advice to convince MIL of a sensible house move

[blueskygreengrass2]

I am hugely frustrated and looking for advice and pearls of wisdom.

Long summary below but if you can't be bothered to read it all (I don't blame you) we want to convince MIL to move to sheltered accommodation or some kind of retirement community rather than a small house in our town.

MIL is 80 and has serious memory issues - repeats stories, cannot remember information just given to her, unable to cope well in new environments (hotels etc), losing her mobile phone etc constantly, unable to cope with quite simple admin like banking. This all makes her very panicky and depressed. She has had all the relevant medical tests and received no diagnosis other than normal memory decline for her age. Everyone who knows her does not think this is an adequate description of her condition.

She recently had some kind of episode where she stopped taking her medication (including anti anxiety meds) and possibly had a UTI and was unable to function. She seemed to stop eating and was asking everyone she knew in her village to help her with paperwork (paperwork DH had visited her to sort out and simplify). She became a shell of herself to be honest and we received many guilt inducing messages about how she needed help.

I feel very sorry for her and wish we could help more. We have 2 young children though and she doesn't drive and lives 2 hours away. We do see her twice a month but it is a lot of work. Her cottage is too small to sleep us all (and she finds it stressful having guests) so more often than not my DH does a 4 hour round trip to collect her and another 4 hour trip to get her home.

DH has financial and medical POA and attends most medical appts with her.

Following the 'episode' she was obviously scared and agreed to move to our town. We all agreed on a flat in an Audley place (I know they are a money pit, she can afford it, can't cope with thread being derailed). She can afford to buy outright so no chain, minimal stress and we will sell her place for her when she has moved.

But now she is more confident and feeling better she is backtracking and saying she wants to buy a house. We just really think it is a bad idea! The viewings themselves will be a total headache (8 hours of driving each time) and I just don't think she will cope with a new home at all. Plus she has no friends here - it feels more likely that she will feel less lonely in the Audley place, even if she doesn't make friends (she seems reluctant) because at least she will see people day to day. Crucially the Audley place may well see her through.

A few years ago when she was in a better place she decided to move near us and made an offer on somewhere but the stress of the process caused her to have a mini breakdown and she backed out (this was what initiated the anti anxiety medication I believe!)

Any wisdom on convincing her to be sensible?

I have read this through and it sounds a bit cold. We just want what's best for her. If she is near us we will be able to include her in our lives and keep her busy. She loves our dog and her grandchildren so much, there is not much for her in her village other than a couple of also elderly friends. Sorry for typos - kids waking.

I predict she isn’t going to move. Sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear.

If she has capacity, there is nothing you can do. You can tell her your opinion and explain why you think she should move, then it's up to her (as it should be really). That doesn't mean you have to bend to her every whim if there are consequences to her choices, such as not being able to visit as much.

We are right in the thick of this with an elderly relative, it’s very very hard and like you we just want what’s best for her and what will be most suitable in the long term. It’s been going on for a year now and I’ve got to a point where if the suggestion is ridiculous, I just won’t help. I’m not facilitating viewings on houses with stairs for a 90 year old with mobility issues and advancing dementia. I will absolutely facilitate looking round sheltered accommodation, flats or nursing homes if she wishes. I won’t help with packing her house up and unpacking again any more times, I’ve said the next time I pack it will be 2 days before she moves to somewhere and I won’t do it until she’s signed. She’s very angry with me and telling the whole universe how unhelpful and horrible I am but I’ve thickened my skin and I’m not taking it on. She is not able to do any move without my help so she will need to make a sensible decision, otherwise at some point her hand will be forced by her own declining health or cognitive abilities. At the moment her capacity fluctuates but if we get beyond that point I will use the POA and make the choice for her.

For as long as she has capacity it is her decision.

It may be more sensible to let her buy a small house or flat. If she is headed to dementia/alzheimers she won't stay very long in a retirement/sheltered complex. An ordinary property will be easier to sell and its costs won't hang like an albatross around your neck.

When your DH collects her, could he not drive up the night before, sleep in a Premier Inn or travel lodge and drive back with her the following day?

I agree with this. Let her buy the small house. Those fancy complex places will have her out as soon as she becomes harder work. And will be really difficult to sell with all the restrictions and the service charge will be high. Get carers when she finds it harder to cope.

We've had this with my aunt - twice now. She agrees, then backs out. My poor cousin has been tearing her hair out. Aunt is highly anxious, has no tolerance for any sort of stress, life has shrunk so much she has no confidence to do anything apart from go to the local shops or very familiar places with either my cousin, her teenage grandchildren, or my mam. Nobody can visit the house except them either, as it's "too much" to have visitors. DH and I have offered support as we live closer to her than my cousin, and she used to be close to us and DC, but won't let us visit any more. She adores her grandchildren, but seemingly can't cope with change to such a massive degree even that won't get her to move.

She has capacity, despite some level of age related cognitive decline, so not much anyone can do, other than as @MysteriousFalafel said, assert some boundaries. If she's able to refuse to move, then others are able to clearly state the limits of their ability to help, especially if they live 2hrs away.

Would buying in home help be an option? I'm guessing if she can afford an Audley place, she could afford help at home?

I think you can’t make her do as you want but you don’t have to facilitate any plans that are clearly a bad idea ie you don’t support driving her around to viewings

I'd agree that a small house/ bungalow may be better.
The key is she is near you so you can help more easily.
You sound lovely BTW!
My MIL is being pressured by her other DS to move to sheltered type housing and the whole thought of it makes her v depressed. She feels like she is being 'off loaded'to a place where she is least bother.

And also we all need to make a note in our calendars to downsize aged 70....
My DM did this. Shes now 81 and would not cope with a move. My DDad just moved out of a large house to a flat (private not retirement) and it nearly finished him off aged 81 too.
Most people leave it at least 5 if not 10 years too late.
If you are sitting there thinking, 'well no one is going to sit and tell me that I'll need to downsize at 70', I imagine that's what their relatives were thinking too!!!

OP I'm really sorry to say this but moving someone with dementia, doesnt matter where the home is, is likely to exacerbate the dementia.
Essentially she's becoming less capable of making memories so this means memory of things like where the oven is and how to switch it on, those are all there in her brain for her existing house. But if she moves, she may struggle to live independently.
The other issue (my DP has this with his mum), is that even when she agrees to something she will then back out, change mind, forget etc because the mind is not thinking rationally.
If I were you, I'd be trying to sort out regular carers for her existing home and get it to a position where she can live more comfortably where she is. With less support from you and DH.
Sorry not the answer you are looking for

She needs to stay put with a daily carer service or a nursing home. I wouldn’t contemplate sheltered accommodation at her age and level of decline.
My sympathies though, it’s really hard to juggle it all with aged parents especially if she only has one child.

My mother is 70 and I don't see why she should have to leave the garden that is her happy place and that she has built over years, before she needs to. I know a few people her age who have upsized to have a bigger garden. Maybe if they get even 5 years of joy out of it it's worth it? I do plan to downsize around that time but I don't think it should be pushed too hard if the person is still able to cope with the property.

Exactly the dilemma.... and why older relatives end up in these difficult situations.
Anyway don't want to detail this thread. All I am saying is the best advice my mother was given is that most people try to downsize about 5 years too late.

We moved MIL to be near us. The house-selling/buying process nearly finished us all off! She has no capacity at all, so when the last chain broke down, we decided to look at rentals instead. What a life saver - literally! She has lived near us for 3 years now, lives independently, although in the last 8 months we've had carers go in once a day to relieve the burden on DH. It is a ball-ache looking out for someone with advancing MH issues, but having her two minutes away, rather than two hours has literally kept her alive.

She won’t move I don’t expect, we had a similar situation with my late MIL, would view flats, but never did move. The things that put her off were, the upheaval of moving, high service charges etc. most elderly folk I know don’t want the hassle of moving, although they talk a good game, telling you what you want to hear. We went down the line of making home as safe of possible for her, care assistants visiting, a button she could press if she needed help, a pendant that would know if she had fallen etc. it’s frustrating but if she has capacity not a lot you can do, it’s her choice.

I'm sorry but I too think it's too late to move her, unless it's to 24/7 care. She won't be able to learn to find her way around a new home, whether it is sheltered accommodation or a small house. You yourself say that she can't cope well in new environments. And it doesn't sound like she could manage the pain of moving- even a few years ago when she was presumably mentally fitter it caused her to crash.
I'd be concentrating on getting her properly assessed and then carers in her current home tbh. The buying a new house and living independently thing sounds like a bit of a fantasy for someone with her level of cognition.
It's awful I know. Many of us have been there.

Most likely. The problem with not being psychic about exactly when things will change for you.

What’s an audley place?

Step away and do not engage at all with any decision you think is unwise. Even if this means DH visits less.
We all may not know when things will start to deteriorate for us but 70 is a good baseline to get things moving.
DH and SIL will never forgive PIL for their head in sand approach to ageing which led to a whole lot of avoidable stress. How sad that’s how they remember them.

A retirement village is very unlikely to be a good option for someone with serious memory issues. Your first post contains the problem - ‘she cannot cope well in new environments’. She will deteriorate slightly when she moves, she is likely to upset neighbours by her behaviour, she may well be asked to leave.

Assuming you can persuade her to move (probably not) her next move IMO will need to be to a care home. Sorry but you are currently seeing her at the best she’s going to be, she will not stay at this stage. In months and years to come she will need a LOT more help and supervision (I have been through this with my mother and grandmother).

An alternative would be her buying a flat near you and having carers in daily via a private care agency. She could start with a couple of hours and build up to as long as she needs. They would do housework, provide meals, and do all the things your husband is doing including taking her to appointments. She could of course equally well have this arrangement in her current property without the disruption of a move.

@blueskygreengrass2 @catofglory has said exactly what I was going to say.

You are at the point where a care home is probably the right option. If she has £££ then a two bed property and carers, who may end up being live in, is the other option.

Short term memory problems are key, how will she use the cooker, hob, washing machine etc. Unless she has the exact same ones as now she will struggle.

My parent “coped” for two months in a sheltered flat. After that she had carers 3 times a day and within a further 2 months was in a care home. Note: I disagreed with the move but was overruled.

Put your energy in finding a care home near to you.

We wanted MIL to move to near us a decade ago, she couldn’t cope with the actual move, she is a bit of a hoarder and is 3 hours away. So after much chat about she wanted to she didn’t.

Your MIL doesn’t want to move and she won’t it’s all just a stalling process. I get why they don’t want to move but if they expect help and you live at a distance it’s really frustrating. My MIL now has cancer, we are lucky that we have both retired very early so DH has spent a lot of time at hers. She will die in her house unless she need to move to residential care. If they have capacity there is nothing you can do.

That’s an issue with people having children older, my MIL is 83 but our youngest is 24. Many people are now ending up with elderly parents and very small children.

M

We took my elderly Mil to so many places only for them all to be rejected for one thing and another. In the end we gave up and took no notice every time she mentioned it to us . I think you are on a hiding to nothing OP l'm sorry . Can you get some carers in to help? Then you've got someone on the ground where she is who can report back and help keep her safe .

We've been in this situation
MIL lived 7hours away with worsening memory
She's moved 15mins away now and with 2 very young children we can be involved with her care

Couple of things
She should have loved years ago but we didn't realise how much she was neglecting herself
She now has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's so probably won't be in sheltered for long

It was a stress / still is stressful

There are pros and cons to doing either and you'll probably always wonder either way

Sounds like if your MIL is saying no then maybe a conversation re. Carers / cleaners is needed

Also, go back to the doctors and push for a re - referral