There's something sersiously wrong with my mother in her early 70s

[BlueBrickRoad]

I have observed a lot over the past 3-4 years and there's so many things that just seem off with her. It is getting very scary now with paranoia but it's so quite and silent. Let me explain the paranoia.

I live at home with my mother. Any time I am home, if we are in the kitchen as an example, and if I leave the kitchen, maybe to go up the hall and go into my room, or even if I go to the bathroom or sitting room, if my mother is in the kitchen busy or if she's sitting down having tea or a sandwich - next thing I know she is running up the hall to go into her room. This has happened time and time and time and time again. It's nearly as if she is paranoid that I am going into her room. That's what it looks like to me. It happens every single time.

The past few days has been tough at home and I am now seeking respite in a friends house.

There are so many things that are just not right and every day is different.

Do I write to her GP? Send a letter? I am a patient at the same clinic. Do I make an appointment for myself and discuss what I see in her? Or do I write a letter and hand it personally.

I have no business going into her room and with the way I work sometimes I just don't have time. She's paranoid. But it's not just this either. She ignored a leak until I got a plumber and she was paranoid about a plumber too. She was paranoid about a chimney sweep. She is paranoid about the Tesco grocery delivery.

It's not just paranoia, there are other behaviours too but that's for a doctor.

My mind is steering towards dementia as a possibilty.

What do you mean she is paranoid about the plumber, and the delivery driver? She runs into her room as well?

Have you asked her why she goes running to her room? What does she say?

Im not a Dr, but UTIs in women of that age can cause paranoia and other issues like hallucinations. I would definitely suggest getting her to see a GP for sure.

Thanks for that tip, didn't know that.

It's hard to explain.

I had to get a plumber the year before last. She was angry and defiant about it. I had to lie just to get him in and fix a leak. When he was in the kitchen under the sink she was there looking with pure disgust and filth at him. He came out from under the sink or took a break and she threw him a bucket and requested he cleaned the under sink pipes too.

When I had a chimney sweeper in, she was up the hall, just so odd. Like a scared cat.

She's the same way I have a Tesco booked. She won't ever take in the groceries. She has just become extremely anti social.

She can sometimes behave like this when the postman comes too running up the hall and hiding.

I do suspect this is paranoia. I don't know.

The bahvaioir above has been happening for quiet some time though.

In relation to the more recent behaviour of chasing me up the hall and that to me looks as if it is paranoia, it's been going on for a few months. It's only now I realise this is serious. This is paranoia. How can a UTI be there in the background like that?

The past week she has been off the wall crazy with her behaviour and demeanor and I now think she does have a UTI.

I can't manage a UTI in her. It is that simple. She likely won't use UTI strips and will only just argue with me. She likely isn't aware that her behaviour and anger is likely UTI. I suggested UTI the other day to her but she argued against that.

That must be very difficult for you if you are living with her.

You can make an appointment to speak to the GP yourself or hand in a letter. In my experience they will tell you they can’t discuss it and can’t do anything about it but then they will call her in for a checkup on some pretence.

Does she get out at all? Does she have a social life / see people other than you?

You can tell all this to the GP. They can’t tell you anything due to patient confidentiality but they can listen and maybe ask her to come
in for a check up. Do you think she would go?

Do you have an LPA?

Any kind of cognitive decline can lead to paranoia. It’s worth getting her checked if you can. The mental effects of UTIs are generally quicker onset but am sure the GP would check this as part of any assessment.

Hi @BlueBrickRoad
Have you got a health poa or medical proxy (at the GP’s) set up for her?
If so, and on the assumption that she is unwilling to go to a medical appointment on her own, please contact the surgery to raise this with them.
Yes it could be a solvable uti, or obviously the sign of something more significant (my DM has 2 types of dementia & is becoming erratic)
On the reason for this particular paranoia, does she actually have valuables in her room? If so, a safe or similar secure storage could help her concerns.
Best wishes.

So when you say paranoia do you mean she has such social anxiety she hides from visitors or is she anxious they’ll steal something?
Have you gone into her bedroom without permission before?

Does your mother ever leave the house? Does she have friends?

She does leave the house. She goes for walks. She used to like going to town on the bus once a week but that is becoming less. She has no friends or social outlets.

I don't know what she has in her room. I didn't go in there before. That's behaviour she is engaged in herself and I had to put a lock onmmyown bedroom door because she was going into my room snooping, reading my mail and taking things like notebooks and the most unnerving obsession was with my underwear.

She needs doctors as a starting point full bloods urine test and some cognitive tests - can you ask the doctor to arrange an appointment as a well woman type of check up so she thinks it’s just a routine thing and not something you have arranged.

Having some similar issues with mine at the moment and turns out her B12 was ridiculously low and she starts treatment today - she had convinced herself she had dementia starting

I never knew what POA was when I was younger. I understand what it is now and how important it is. I only learned about it within the past 2 years approx. She is never going to give me POA. She will likely give it to my brother more easily but he is living abroad and he doesn't see this kind of stuff with her. He and his wife aren't concerned because she is not showing memory loss. She was raised in old Catholic Ireland where women were treated as second like citizens. She always had a domineering and controlling aspect about her and more cruel to me than my brother. She likely views women as weaker and men as powerful. She will never give me POA. If my brother asked her to jump she will say how high but she would only just argue with me. If that makes sense.

She was sick last year and it took me over a week to encourage her to go to the GP. She was able to tell me and identify a UTI but she was refusing the doctor for nearly a week because she wanted to treat it naturally.

She was never this type of hippie type natural health type of person before in my life. She was the opposite. She would have a cold and she would run to the GP and lie and over exaggerated and feel better just by holding a prescription for antibiotics in her hand. So this natural thing - I don't know where it came from.

It took me a week to encourage her to go to the GP last week and it was a UTI and shingles.

When she was home with her medicines she gave them to me and wanted me to research them online. It was just another level of paranoia but medical based.

OP - this is another thread about an ongoing situation. You have had plenty of advice from posters in the past. You post every few weeks about your issues with your mother. I'm not troll hunting or stalking, your posting style is distinctive and you always post about the same issues.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5328757-ignoring-house-problems-and-easily-angered

Please move out. The issue is with you not your mother.

The thing about UTIs in women of that age the UTIs can stick around a long time, months and even years. It might be something else, but it’s worth checking.

You say that she’s been like this few years now and I’m wondering if the lockdowns are anything to do with this, we are only a couple of years out of lockdowns, has she recovered mentally from all the covid stuff? Whatever it is I hope she agrees to see a dr soon.

I don't think it was anything to do with covid, the lockdown, the pandamic, jabs or the infection. There was some stuff happening even before the pandemic but I just thought it was her personality and I never made any correlation towards the possibilty of anything more. It's only now that I can think back and see that there was something brewing back then even. I just never realised it at the time.

I remember an incident where I found out on my Facebook that a cousin of mine featured in a maga zone for weight loss. I haven't seen her in years and I thought it would be nice to get the magazine to see her. My mother broke out in a huge rant and anger about the magazine and my cousin.

There were other incidents of rants and anger. Its nothing to do with covid.

When my MIL started losing the plot, I spoke to her GP. That was a complete waste of time, he just wasn’t interested.

Things rumbled on and as she lived alone I got more and more concerned for her safety. Unfortunately, there’s very little you can do unless the person reaches out for help.

Eventually things came to a head, when the district nurse attended to give MIL an injection. The nurse realised what the situation was and had my MIL admitted to hospital for an assessment. She didn’t come home after that.

I was relieved. I kept saying to my DH that we’d all feel terrible if she’d come to harm in some way.

I spoke to Age UK. They can give you information and advice.

@BlueBrickRoad Hard as it is you have now seized the initiative and taken refuge in a friend's house, please consider that your next step should be making moving out of your dm's house permanent. Your relationship with your mother from reading your posts over a period of time is fractious and each having your own space must be your priority regardless of dm's health. Nothing is going to change while you continue to live together apart from a deterioration in your relationship.

Why haven't you asked her?

Time to move out.

Op, you have posted about your mother more than once. Always similar issues and you always get similar responses that you then ignore. Move. Out.

Is this the oil tank lady?