Ignoring house problems and easily angered

[NextDoorToAlice]

I had this problem for some time with my aging mother.

I found a leak in the kitchen sink a few years ago. She refused to address it asking me not to book anyone. It went on for months. I tried to repair it myself but I did an awful job. Eventually I just had to book someone to come and fix the leak. Even though I was paying, I knew she would still be angry. I wasn't able to even plan it with her and ask her because I knew if I told her in advance she would be raging. I just booked a plumber and didn't tell her until his arrival time was half an hour away. The only thing that helped me that morning was the death of a local lady and she was in shock. I did see her that morning and she looked with pure disgust and hate on the face at the plumber, nearly as if he was going to attack her.

Another time, we needed a chimney sweep and she was just anxious up the hall, hiding like a cat.

There is another issue with a tank replacement that I can't get done due to costs and she's ignoring it.

Lately I discovered the outside kitchen gully is flooding over and it's not draining properly. All flooding water is only going one way and just sitting around the foundation of the home.

I tried to unblock this myself but no luck. I bought tools and a drain blocker.

At this stage it's likely for a professional because I don't know what I am doing and I don't want to put my hand down there. Even if I was to buy some big gloves.

I was checking online and I can book online and even try and get something today. I presume if I was to book online they would take my card online. I don't mind paying.

However my mother's reaction is likely going to be intense and one of anger. Even though the worker likely won't need to come into the home. It's not a cost issue for her considering I am willing to pay. The drain needs unblocking to be honest and it can't be ignored.

I think also, the problem is not in her face so for her it doesn't exist and she has low comprehension to understand consequences of ignoring this.

Like, what do I do?
Do I just book this and say nothing until they are outside?

God this is tough.

I assume she just denies the problem rather than giving you any other reason?

Is this a big deterioration that could be medical? It sounds as if this has been going on for a long time.

I think the fact that she is so paranoically territorial that she doesn't see that neglecting these jobs is in fact more likely to lead to her having to leave her home, which presumably she doesn't want, is quite frightening. Certainly sounds like dementia or untreated other mental illness.

I don't know the answer. As the owner of the house (?) she should have the right to refuse works, but if you think her overall wish is to stay at home as long as possible, I think going ahead would be in her best interests. She might well be found to have mental capacity to refuse though

@NextDoorToAlice I’ve been where you are and I suggest you ask yourself ‘will I soon have a bigger problem if I don’t?’ and then just book it.
It’s awful being the bad daughter who gets things done and sorted but you are helping future you. There were things I did get sorted and things I didn’t at my father’s house and ultimately I had to deal with the whole house (when he went into a nursing home, which he is also angry about).

You are also very welcome to come and vent in the Cockroach cafe where bad daughters gather for solidarity.

You have to work with what you’ve got, book someone for the drains , tell her it’s the council or Anglian water they’re doing maintenance on the whole road etc, just be vague which is easier if she avoids these people . Just mutter about ‘ ‘the electric board, the gas board, the council ‘ pretend it’s not your doing. Older people often accept authority ( as long as it’s not you!😂) plumber becomes ‘the water board’ etc

Just book the drain bloke online, pay, and weather the storm.

Does your mother bring up stuff like the plumber again afterwards or is her anger and extreme anxiety a passing thing that only lasts as long as the workman is there?