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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sitting with a dying parent

68 replies

Flev · 28/05/2025 23:58

This is night 4 of me sitting with my dad, we keep thinking we're losing him and then he rallies again in the daytime. He's in so much pain and struggling to breathe.
He's told me tonight he's afraid he's dying. What do you say to that? I've told him there's no need to be afraid, to just rest and leave everything else to me which seemed to help. Finally his morphine injection seems to have had some effect although he keeps calling out.
Not sure why I'm posting, just need to feel not so alone.

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MaggieBsBoat · 29/05/2025 00:02

Oh 😥 I am so sorry for you and your dad @Flev Do you have anyone at all who can share this load?

nospoonleftbehind · 29/05/2025 00:07

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I remember being with my grandmother who was like my mum - and I'm so thankful I was there but it was hard and long and the emotional
rollercoaster seemed never ending. Sending hugs, love and strength. X

Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 00:10

My brother has been doing daytimes, my mum is elderly and has just come for the occasional hour. I can call my brother to come if I need to, but he needs sleep too.

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Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 00:14

I couldn't leave him - I hate this but am glad I'm able to do it for him. Nurse has just given him oxygen as his breath is rattling.

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EllasNonny · 29/05/2025 00:14

Where are you? I recently sat with MIL until the end, but we were in hospital. They called us in the evening before.
They gave MIL midazolam and morphine, which calmed her breathing and she appeared very peaceful.
The nurses were lovely and very honest with us, which we found helpful.
Sending my very best wishes. It's difficult to be there, but equally, if not more difficult, not to be. I was in a different hospital when DM died and DF died unexpectedly.

Appendixquestion1234 · 29/05/2025 00:15

I have nothing useful to add. I wish I did. I'm going to be sat where you are very soon and I wish I had an answer.

You are in my thoughts. You aren't alone. I'm here thinking of you and your dad. Big hugs

EllasNonny · 29/05/2025 00:15

Sorry cross post. I can see you're in hospital.

beewonderful · 29/05/2025 00:17

So sorry that you’re going through this. I sat with my dad as he died almost 6 years ago now. Like your dad, he said he thought this was it and kept asking the doctors if he was dying. Like you, I reassured him that he could relax and that I was there. I held his hand and stroked it and hummed quietly to him. It was very peaceful and I was pleased that I could be there for him at the very end so he knew he was loved.

It’s the moment in my life when I’ve felt the most grown up and needed, but also strangely the most calm. I hope that you can feel that too. Sending you strength.

Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 00:19

We're in hospital - have been since Saturday. Thought we were losing him Sunday as I drove down here in a rush. He keeps rallying a bit in the day and raising hopes a little, but every night he goes further downhill. Nurses and health care workers are amazing but not miracle workers. Thank you, it helps to have people there.

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EmeraldRoulette · 29/05/2025 00:24

@Flev hugs

my dad was scared too, but it didn't last long and he crossed over into peace a few days before the end. You might hear some involuntary noises too. They don't mean anything.

I know how hard this is. More hugs if wanted.

Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 00:26

@EmeraldRoulette can I ask what sort of noises? If its too raw to answer that's ok

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Buddhalover · 29/05/2025 00:28

My heart breaks for anyone going through this, I can only say that although difficult for you, you will eventually feel it was a privilege to be with your DF at this time. I, unfortunately, was unable to be with both my parents when they passed. My DF died on the operating table and my DM in her sleep. All you can do is quietly reassure him.He will know you are there. God bless you, sending hugs and hope his passing is pain free.🙏

Icecreamhelps · 29/05/2025 00:28

Oh love, this is such a hard thing to have to do. You are doing what you can which is being there for him. It's all we can do hold their hand, let them hear our voice and be there. It hurts, but you being there is helping him so much.

avignon1234 · 29/05/2025 00:35

💐 It is such a hard time, and utterly lonely, even with others and the usual busy-ness of a hospital around you. You are going through the worst right now and there is no advice I can offer having done it myself. Wishing you and your Dad love and strength to get through the next few days xxx

EmeraldRoulette · 29/05/2025 00:37

@Flev gasps, groans, gurgling. It happened a few times when he'd had a boost of morphine, but the nurses reassured me that it was okay. And after sitting there for long enough, I could see for myself that it was okay.

also, dad had death rattle for about four days before he died. I know officially it's not supposed to last that long, but I'm afraid in his case it did.

I'm going to head for bed, but I don't mind if you have any questions. It can be nigh on impossible to find people who are okay to talk about this in real life, and of course those who have had this experience might have had a completely different type of experience.

get some sleep if you can 💐

uncomfortablydumb60 · 29/05/2025 00:38

Oh I am sorry My Mum died 27 years ago and I can still remember the rasping noise of the ventilator as I sat beside her for her last 48 hours. She was on adrenaline to support her heart and they can only give 3 cycles
The lovely nurse, who had the same name as her told me she didn't have long.
i felt I didn't want to be there, but the thought of leaving her was worse
on her last day, I felt a strong pull to leave, so I left at 6.30pm to get back to my 3 year old and 6 month old
id just got in the door at 9pm when I got to call to say she had gone.
I believe she wanted me to leave so she could go without upsetting me.
Talk to him about anything and everything, hold his hand.
Hearing is the last sense to go and he will be soothed by your voice
The noises you might hear are the lungs expelling breaths which gradually become slower
Its common for them to rally, until they start to fade
My thoughts are with you

fabspring · 29/05/2025 00:45

Im sorry you're going through this and am sending you a big hug. I was where you are 4 years ago and the last paragraph of 'beewonderful's post is so true. What you have told your Dad is so loving. The nurse who supported me when I was with my Dad said that hearing is the last sense to go so keep talking to him. We're all with you. 💕

FiendsandFairies · 29/05/2025 00:59

“Talk to him about everything and anything”. This! We’ll all go through this as carers and we’re all going to be the subjects soon enough.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 29/05/2025 02:43

Bless you. I’m a carer and I sat with a very dear client while she passed. All I can say, hard as it is, your presence is probably the most comforting thing possible. Hugs for you.

MaggieBsBoat · 29/05/2025 08:46

You are one of the first things I thought of this morning @Flev i hope your night was bearable, yours and your dad’s. It is a lonely thing to be going through, but you are not alone. Xx

AInightingale · 29/05/2025 09:56

I am sorry OP, this is an awful experience. I hope you are managing to get some sleep in the daytime, and that you can shower and change etc. I know you will reluctant to leave. Even if he's not religious, the hospital chaplain could help if he's feeling fearful, they are primarily there to comfort and support people and I don't think they push any faith-based stuff if it's not wanted.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/05/2025 10:27

An act if true love to hold someone's hand as they leave us.

Navigatingchaos · 29/05/2025 14:47

Sending love to you and your Dad for whatever stage you may be at today. There is no longer, or bizarrely, shorter, night than these I found. Time seems to take on an entity of its own. You are doing your Dad proud as you hold his hand through this stage.

Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 15:09

Thank you all, sorry for vanishing. He is still going, although on lots of morphine and do very sleepy. My brother took over this morning so I could sleep, as I only dozed a bit last night. Deterioration is continuing, sounds like we are in last hours.

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Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 15:09

Your comments last night were so helpful, I didn't feel so slone

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