Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Sitting with a dying parent

68 replies

Flev · 28/05/2025 23:58

This is night 4 of me sitting with my dad, we keep thinking we're losing him and then he rallies again in the daytime. He's in so much pain and struggling to breathe.
He's told me tonight he's afraid he's dying. What do you say to that? I've told him there's no need to be afraid, to just rest and leave everything else to me which seemed to help. Finally his morphine injection seems to have had some effect although he keeps calling out.
Not sure why I'm posting, just need to feel not so alone.

OP posts:
Andtheworldwentwhite · 29/05/2025 15:16

I have had to do this twice this year. It truly has been the year from hell so far in our family. It is horrible , hard , emotional and just awful. Just make sure u take care of urself. Do u have people to bring u food? Make sure u rest when u can. Also. The few days after they have gone I was in shell shock. So be prepared for that. You have my hugs and sympathies. But I was pleased I did it. As I know would have meant a lot to the people I sat with.

shellyleppard · 29/05/2025 15:18

@Flev sending you lots of 🫂🙏🕊️❤️. There are no words suitable for a time like this. But people are thinking of you all x

ZebraPrintt · 29/05/2025 15:22

I have no experience, advice or much for you OP, but reading this thread made me quite emotional. Sorry you're going through this, your dad is very lucky to have you by his side and I'm sure he's feeling very reassured by you. Thinking of you X

CiaoMeow · 29/05/2025 15:22

So sorry. OP💐

fabspring · 29/05/2025 16:50

I've been thinking of you, your lovely Dad and wider family throughout the day. I expect it's a comfort to your Mum to know that you and your brother are with him. I felt a great calmness and relief when my Dad passed. I wish the same for you. 😌

Original poster
Flev · 29/05/2025 19:13

Settling in for another night, he's mostly unconscious due to morphine but breath is rattling. Awaiting consultation from doctor.

OP posts:
Vivienne1000 · 29/05/2025 19:17

You will be exhausted. We brought my Mum home to be with my Dad in Covid, rather than her die alone in hospital. Try to be kind to yourself and see this as a huge privilege. What greater gift than being with a parent at the end, comforting them and making their journey easier. Sending you lots and lots of love xx

CrustyOldFrump · 29/05/2025 19:23

You are doing your dad proud, thoughts with you tonight.

nabanna · 29/05/2025 19:38

I've sat where you are and Mumsnet posters were my friends during the long hours, will be thinking of you tonight

NooNakedJacuzziness · 29/05/2025 19:41

Another one who's been there too - as @nabanna says MN were there for support, I'll always remember that. Hope it's peaceful OP, thinking of you x

shivermetimbers77 · 29/05/2025 20:03

Ah, I remember being where you are with my mum. The last phase felt like it went on for ages, and it can be so difficult to be in that waiting phase. That’s great that you can be there for him and yes, good to just keep chatting away to him. I remember doing my mum’s nails and just blathering on about nonsense for ages. . Take care of yourself and try to get rest as well OP.

Glammar · 29/05/2025 20:11

I just wanted to send you a huge hug.

I wasn't there when my Ddad passed away. He was in a hospice and I could've stayed as long as I needed. It was something I could not cope with and he eventually passed after my DM had spent the night with him and had just left for home. When I was sitting with him I told him how much I loved him, that he could leave when he was ready and how I'd look after my DM and DB.

My heart truly goes out to you x

WutheringBites · 29/05/2025 20:22

Sending love. I’m a doctor, so have often been on that side of the bed, although I’ve always tried to find time to hold a dying patients hand and chat to them even if they look too drowsy to be aware.
but I also looked after a dying parent at home and I read her childhood books we’d shared in the last few hours. Being there is so happy/sad. 💐💐💐

MissFancyDay · 29/05/2025 20:58

Thinking of you Flev and wishing you and your dear Dad peace. I'll keep you in my thoughts tonight x

EmeraldRoulette · 29/05/2025 22:37

@Flev I just hopped on to say hi...

hi!

It really is worth getting some sleep. He might need people to leave the room in order to depart anyway. I know that's easier said than done though. 💐

Hercisback1 · 29/05/2025 22:43

Sending you lots of love through the ether. Try and get some rest yourself. Listen to the nurses too, they'll know the signs when it's imminent. It's common for loved ones to go and then the person dies, I like to think this is the dying persons last act of kindness.

heatherwithapee · 29/05/2025 23:13

Sadly, I’ve been there. DDad went on for a week! It’s so hard. Just make sure they’re on top of his pain meds and whatever it is they given them that reduces the secretions so they can breathe more comfortably. Try not to let it get to the stage where you have to ask them for more because you can tell your DDad is uncomfortable.
Remember to keep yourself fed and watered too. It’s tough going.

Enko · 29/05/2025 23:20

Mil took 5 days it was so difficult to watch this amazing woman almost disapear in front of our eyes. In the end she chose to go the 15 minutes she was left alone. I think she didnt want any of us to witness her passing.

You are doing something for your dad thats a strong expression of your love for him. I know its hard but in a weird way those last days with them are important.

jazzhands84 · 29/05/2025 23:22

One day this might just be the one day in your life you wish you could have again. It's so hard but it will be over I'm afraid. Sending love xx

Original poster
Flev · 30/05/2025 00:04

Thank you all, still here but breathing worsening and blood pressure very low. I have a recliner chair so am dozing when I can. I left for a good few hours today for sleep, a shower and food so I'm OK. It's really helping to have company in this way though, thank you.

OP posts:
KinderToMyFutureSelf · 30/05/2025 00:12

Hello …. I lost my Dad in February after going to a hospice in November …. he was so strong. I completely understand what you’re going through and absolutely get what. previous poster said about feeling grown up but so calm too. Tell him you will all be OK and that you and your brother will look after your Mum. Sending love x

sleepwouldbenice · 30/05/2025 00:22

Hello
Sending a hand hold having done the waiting myself, although my mum wasn't conscious and had dementia
I understand about not leaving, I was lucky enough to be off work so was flexible
I echo just speaking gently and calmly, saying how much they are loved, thanking them for precious times etc
But look after yourself as well!! I grabbed myself lots of pillows on a chair, graduated to a mat on the floor and even finally got a camp bed, although she passes before I stayed that night.
In terms of the "when" my mum did have a slight blue tinge round her eyes and lips on her last day
Much love to you

MoggiMay · 30/05/2025 00:33

Just, thinking of you. It’s hard and horrible but the last thing you can do for them and I think they know you’re there.

A friend of mine told me when I lost my mum that your relationship ‘just changes but is still there’. It probably sounds quite odd, but it’s absolutely true.

Sending a very big hug to you

Financialthymes · 30/05/2025 00:41

So sorry to read this OP. A year ago I was doing the same thing with my DF. It is unimaginably hard. Is your DF on a syringe driver? Mine was - he had several palliative medications going through it - including midazolam, which helped with anxiety and helped to settle him. It was really the only thing that made the whole situation easier to bear - that he was comfortable and not agitated.

AInightingale · 30/05/2025 01:15

Thinking of you OP. If listening to the radio on low or soft music on your phone helps break the silence, dont feel guilty about that. I put it on at my father's bedside as he loved music and his radio.