Elderly mother refusing all help and putting it all onto me

[Frazzledmummy123]

Apologies in advance for lengthy post!

My parents are 84 (DM) and 88 (DM). DM is carer of DF who has undiagnosed dementia (on waiting list for memory clinic, but it is pretty certain he has, confusing time eras, worse at night and in cold weather, getting angry at tiny things, etc), he can barely walk, and some incontinence issues. He is totally reliant on my mum and can't look after himself long term, however is ok for a few hours to let DM go out - at the moment anyway.

They live in a large semi detached nowhere near amenities, stairs and no downstairs loo, won't use taxis, etc (a couple of my previous threads speak at length about this), won't listen if give her any info.

I have spoken to DM who is compos mentus about getting some carers in place, or a social work assessment done. Point blank refuses.

Recently she has been making constant guilt tripping comments about how much my (single with no families) cousins do for their mums, and is open to no help unless it is me doing it. Won't go anywhere unless being personally driven there and back by someone, won't get care in place despite constant moaning, and it took her 4 years to get my dad a walking frame and 3 years to see a doctor about his confusions. She just lives in denial while everyone around her picks up the pieces, and then when crisis point hits, everyone else is to sort it.

She had to spend a night in hospital last month and I stepped in to look after my dad. DH had to take day off his work at short notice to do school runs. Thankfully I was off anyway that day. I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have ASD. I was happy to help out, however nothing has been put in place since for if he has to be left alone again. I will be just expected to jump into action, and I just don't have the capacity to do it with my family and work commitments. But no, she just expects me to do it all and be 'on call' for any dramas. Obviously I am happy to help, but not to the capacity she expects, especially when no outside help is being deployed. She has even made comments alluding to if she wasn't here, I am to take my dad in. We live in a small flat, 2 floors up! She is also wanting me to go away on holiday with them as a carer.

She claims they can manage, yet all I hear is how she can't do this or that anymore, etc. I do feel for her as I know she is 84 and a full time carer, however she does absolutely nothing to help herself or her situation and just wants me to do everything for her and become their carer. I have tried to give her info about local social groups and carers groups, but all been poo pooed. Just doesn't want to do anything to help herself.

Please don't judge me, I am willing to help, but just not the way she wants me to. I am sick of the refusal to do anything, and the guilt trips and moaning. When I do try to help, she poo poos it so at times, I could just run away!

I’m sorry OP it’s such a difficult situation. The harsh but true answer is that the only thing you can do is set your own boundaries for what you are willing & capable of doing, make sure your mum knows what they are, and then don’t give in. When shit really hits the fan and she realises you are serious, she will accept the carers etc and outside help. Right now she won’t because as of yet she has never actually needed to, you have always done it.

She is probably wary as well of having strangers in the house. If they are self- funding, and they organise help via a private care company they'd probably have the same person or group of people visiting and would get to know and trust them.
But the pp is right, you'll have to be determined and set boundaries.

Ooh tough one OP yet a situation parents seem to put their kids in time and time again!

I'm with PP that you need to put in boundaries, but I know that's easier said than done, but you have to be selfish and also think of yourself and your family.

do your parents have a cleaner? that could be a good place to start

do they have any friends who might recommend a cleaner or carer or helper?

You will just have to refuse more and be less contactable. And stop feeling guilty about it. I had exactly the same situation with my own (narcissistic, alcoholic and schizophrenic) mother and just had to refuse to do more than I was willing to do. I am disabled myself and have a disabled dc and I just had to be really brutal with her (and eventually the nurses etc that became involved) that I wasn’t willing to do more. Everyone will expect you to do it unless you say no; and mean it.

I agree about the boundaries. You'll end up a frazzled mess otherwise.
It's very unfair of your dm to put this on you.

Won't won't won't. Honestly, it gets really frustrating. My Mum was the same and I have friends with parents like this as well. Do what you are reasonably able to and offer to arrange help. And don't feel guilty.

This is so common. You are not at all unreasonable to set your boundaries and no-one with any sense will judge you for it. Until you say 'no' and stick to it, your mother will not consider any other options. It may be precipitated by a crisis, maybe a very unpleasant one, but that's usually how it goes. Only offer what you can reasonably do and stick to it. There's no other way out of this.

Can you introduce a carer as a "cleaner"?

Nope, not got anything. Insists she can do it but then complains constantly.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You have your own family to take care of plus your job. You simply can't cut yourself into so many pieces, please everyone and keep sane and healthy.

So what do you do ? You step back, step right back. Yes it sounds harsh but you have 5 people at home - your 3 kids, your DH and last but by no means least - yourself.

How do you step back and feel OK about it ? - you tell your DM you have arranged a social services assessment for them, that you will be present and you expect her to engage and accept their recommendations. Tell her you will call by once a week for a coffee and a chat. Give her a list of activity sessions run by Aged UK / Alzheimer's Society / local groups, she's to choose 2 and you'll take her to the first one and then you'll arrange a taxi there on in. Let her and social services know that if she is readmitted to hospital your DF will need emergency respite and you will not be caring for him in your home, or his home in the event of long term hospitalization or death of your DM.

If she refuses to engage - and she might- you put in place, that which you can. So you visit once a week for a coffee and a chat. If she moans - tell her help is out there, just not from you, and if she continues - leave. Yes - you will feel guilty however you have stronger claims on your time and energy and there is help out there - she's just choosing not to take it up.

I need to warn you - It will get harder before it gets better. It will be hard to start saying 'No' now and backing of. But if you leave it and try to muddle on - It will be even harder when (not if, when) there's an emergency. Been through this with mine and DP's parents and there will be times when you want to shake someone, scream and stamp your feet - trust me this is totally understandable, normal and so many of us have been there and we absolutely will not judge you in any way.

Thank you everyone for all your lovely replies and advice ❤️. I feel so suffocated by it, and the constant frustration of her refusal of everything and guilt tripping remarks is really affecting my whole life.

Standards phrases on this board. All true.
She can expect, it doesn't mean you have to.
It's better to feel guilt than resentment.
You need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Your parents independence doesn't come at the cost of yours.
Your husband and children need you too.

Sadly you usually have to step back and let the crisis happen before help is accepted and many, many of us have learned this the hard way. Sometimes the crisis is you crashing and burning if you don't step back.

You have to drop the rope. She won’t accept help unless she’s forced to, and it has to be forced by her own realisation, or by a third party.

step back and refuse. “No mum I can’t do that I have work/kids/disabled kids. I don’t have time you need to get outside help in and until you do I won’t be helping.”

stand firm.

Hi @Frazzledmummy123 and so we have another lovely person being held to ransom by these entitled elderly parents. I see name after name on here popping up at breaking point - but not one compromise from the elderly parents.

@countrygirl99 sensibly listed the well worn phrases we all have to remind ourselves of. I have stepped right back from my situation as it quite literally was making me ill. I post this regularly but it is always worth referring to in times of despair https://outofthefog.website

Absolute no to the holiday.

OP- what happens when you are on holiday or sick?
What if you had a gastric bug and couldn't visit? You need to say no, as hard as that is.

You don't need to feel guilty. My nan did the exact same to my mum, who lived 30mins away. Nan would even call my mum to help open a window when her other daughter (my aunt) lived in the same street! I could go on with examples.

I'd give social services a call and ask for an assessment. It could be under the guise that its just for your dad. He could be entitled to free incontinence pads and support, if not potentially financial help too.

Totally agree.

Before my dad's confusions and mobility got worse, she didn't go away on holiday claiming they couldn't because of my dad's mobility, when if they had dropped the vanity and got him a walking frame, they could. All I hear is how she hasn't had a holiday for years. Her own self made woe as a result of vanity and stubbornness

I think the word entitled sums it up perfectly, sorry you are dealing with it too. I love the Out of the Fog website, such a pity there are so many of us with this same issue, simply because people don't take any personal responsibility for themselves and expect others to do it.

@Frazzledmummy123 we all hear you. Social services referral is some advice I’d give. They will offer your parents an assessment. If, as my mother did they refuse to have an assessment then I think you are well within your rights to leave them to it. Incredibly difficult I know. But - if they do not acknowledge they need help they are delusional. I understand people will say they are perhaps ‘afraid’ or ‘lonely’, scared of death, overwhelmed by life as an old person. Possibly, but my experience is that my mother has always been very self entitled and she’s just a worse version of her younger self. Take care and stay well for yourself and your own family.

Sorry about this OP but you are going to have to be firm. Repeat as often as necessary -

"I can't do that, I have my own home and family taking up all my time, all I can do is help you to apply for proper support from elsewhere."

"I will not do that, I have limited time to spend with you, I love you and love spending time with you and I'm not gping to spend that limited time doing household chores that could easily be outsourced to paid help"

Your mother does not get to dictate what you do with your time.

I could have written this post 12 months ago. MIL is now in a home and FIL is still at home with me expected to help. Put boundaries in place and stick to them. People become very selfish as they age.
You will be judged, family members will have an opinion on every decision you make and they will be willing to voice them. I've had "you should care for them at home", "I don't like the care home you've chosen, the front door needs painting". I even had some random person in the hairdressers tell me that she would never put her mum in the care home we've chosen. Eventually you will learn to ignore it, it's no ones business but yours.

Do they claim attendance allowance? It isn't means tested.

If not see if you can get a claim in for them and then 'insist' the money is used for assistance such as cleaners, twice weekly carers, whatever helps.

We used a crisis to insist on carers for a month .. which rolled into 3 months ... which rolled into ongoing.

I think you have to be clear what you can or cannot do.

I think you have reached an epic cross roads.
Sit her down and tell her that as you are clearly both not in agreement with each other's life choices, then you are taking a forced step back.

Just as you can't insist that she engages with cleaners or carers or helpful people, equally she has no right to insist that you drop your life when she needs assistance.

You understand that she believes DF and she are totally self sufficient and won't need any help going forward. That's not what you believe but you respect her choice.
You then run through the scenarios of what she needs to do in the event of an accident or a medical mishap or a cleaning spill or a hospital appointment.
Explain to her that you are off the table. Then remind her she has turned her back on the resource of the 24/7 falls helpline, the driving service that takes you to appointments (Driving miss daisy etc), the helpful care agency who can add some extra hours when illness strikes.
Tell her you disagree with her choices but this is the help she is turning her back on.

One of you is going to win and get her way.
One of you is going to lose and be forced to make life adjustments.