Elderly mother refusing all help and putting it all onto me

[Frazzledmummy123]

Apologies in advance for lengthy post!

My parents are 84 (DM) and 88 (DM). DM is carer of DF who has undiagnosed dementia (on waiting list for memory clinic, but it is pretty certain he has, confusing time eras, worse at night and in cold weather, getting angry at tiny things, etc), he can barely walk, and some incontinence issues. He is totally reliant on my mum and can't look after himself long term, however is ok for a few hours to let DM go out - at the moment anyway.

They live in a large semi detached nowhere near amenities, stairs and no downstairs loo, won't use taxis, etc (a couple of my previous threads speak at length about this), won't listen if give her any info.

I have spoken to DM who is compos mentus about getting some carers in place, or a social work assessment done. Point blank refuses.

Recently she has been making constant guilt tripping comments about how much my (single with no families) cousins do for their mums, and is open to no help unless it is me doing it. Won't go anywhere unless being personally driven there and back by someone, won't get care in place despite constant moaning, and it took her 4 years to get my dad a walking frame and 3 years to see a doctor about his confusions. She just lives in denial while everyone around her picks up the pieces, and then when crisis point hits, everyone else is to sort it.

She had to spend a night in hospital last month and I stepped in to look after my dad. DH had to take day off his work at short notice to do school runs. Thankfully I was off anyway that day. I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have ASD. I was happy to help out, however nothing has been put in place since for if he has to be left alone again. I will be just expected to jump into action, and I just don't have the capacity to do it with my family and work commitments. But no, she just expects me to do it all and be 'on call' for any dramas. Obviously I am happy to help, but not to the capacity she expects, especially when no outside help is being deployed. She has even made comments alluding to if she wasn't here, I am to take my dad in. We live in a small flat, 2 floors up! She is also wanting me to go away on holiday with them as a carer.

She claims they can manage, yet all I hear is how she can't do this or that anymore, etc. I do feel for her as I know she is 84 and a full time carer, however she does absolutely nothing to help herself or her situation and just wants me to do everything for her and become their carer. I have tried to give her info about local social groups and carers groups, but all been poo pooed. Just doesn't want to do anything to help herself.

Please don't judge me, I am willing to help, but just not the way she wants me to. I am sick of the refusal to do anything, and the guilt trips and moaning. When I do try to help, she poo poos it so at times, I could just run away!

This sounds just like my parents, last year. Never listened to my suggestions for cleaner / gardener etc, but eventually were given the details of cleaner & gardener from a (similarly aged) friend. Does your mum have any friends that you could speak to, and get them to recommend cleaner / gardener? They may accept that if it is not from you. My parents eventually got carers in when a health crisis (for the ‘carer’ parent) meant they could no longer manage. Six months later, and the carers are doing a brilliant job and my mum really likes them.

I was you a few years ago but it was MIL who was the needy one.

Despite having 3 grown-ass dc of her own, I was always first call ( the woman , so less important than her sons)

After being called to clean up after another faecal ‘ accident’ , I just stepped back hugely.

As I was being dumped on anyway, I arranged an OT assessment, and a Care Needs assessment for her. I had a long chat with the Social Care person assigned to her before the visit and she kindly made out it was routine, and didn’t mention me at all.

I also trained myself to ignore phone calls, and wait for voice mail; say No and mean it, and basically deflect back to her own DC.

Personally I found her GP surgery to be of no help. She needed an incontinence clinic appointment, and Memory clinic, but her surgery refused to action this unless MIL requested these herself🤦🏻‍♀️

You have a lot on your plate, so don’t feel bad about saying No.

OP I really feel for you. I can see this happening in my own family, partly with my mum but also re my brother who has additional needs (high functioning) but needs lots of support. He needs a social care assessment as my mum is struggling to cope and I know she wants me to step in more but I'm exhausted from decades of issues with him. My worry, like yours is that he will refuse help externally and just want my parents and me to carry on supporting. I can't cope with it though. Glad you've had some support on here, it's so tough.

Your Mum is being so unfair to you and you clearly don't deserve it. It sounds to me that the only respite you'll have from this toxic situation is to get tough about preserving your sanity and the welfare of your own family unit.

Could you tell her that you just don't have the capacity to help her anymore and that she must have outside assistance. Could you arrange for a social services assessment of your parents' needs and go from there? If she refuses then you'll need to dig your heels in and tell her YOU refuse to carry on with the status quo. Stop letting her win at your expense!

As long as you keep doing things for her, the more she'll pile on. As the saying goes, you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I could have almost written your post myself, I really do feel for you, both my DH and I are in very similar situation.

The main thing I have learnt over the last 3 months after making myself ill through worrying etc is to look after yourself, you need to try your hardest to not feel guilty.

You are being put in a very difficult situation as if you don't help, and something happens that requires hospital care etc, it then becomes even more stressful, as everything becomes urgent.

As others have said try to set boundaries,
If they need ahopping tell them it will be this shop on a certain day.
If they need you to take then to appointments it will have to be when it fits with you if not offer to book a taxi for them

Have you considered ringing adult social care for your area to report your concerns, you can do this annomonusly, they maybe able to make contact for an assessment.

I really do feel for you, I hope they will accept some help soon.

I found that once my mum had been diagnosed by the memory clinic things did start to happen. Social services, occupational therapists and other 'experts' came to assess things and helped us engage carers and eventually a care home. Do keep pushing the memory clinic appointment and if you can, go along so you can give a full picture of things at home.

She isn’t refusing help. She is only accepting your help.

As others have said, set your boundaries. My mum and dad are in a position where they need help at the moment. We have told them what we have organised for them. No questions about if it’s ok, they are told what’s happening. I saw my mum doing far too much for her mum long past when she could cope with it because her mum refused any outside care. It got to the point where told grandma we were arranging care for her and it was happening whether she liked it or not. She could either be involved with setting it up and have a say in it, or accept what was given.

I’m happy to step out if someone says they don’t need help, but if they need it and expect me to provide it when I can’t, I won’t martyr myself for them.

God very difficult. Agree you be an exhausted mess if zero boundaries. Our mother has us run ragged. Im not doing extras. Im mentally tired now. I notice when she bored the crap starts. 80s. My sister has school runs she cant drop everything

In your case I would bargain with her - offer her something she wants/you are willing to provide (e.g. a visit taking her out to the shops every week) in exchange for her getting a carer to visit inbetween or something similar. As she is getting older she may not be great at making good choices for herself so treat her like you would a young child making bad choices - boundaries, natural consequences, leaving them to figure it out for themselves a bit with a safe envelope and occasional bargaining.

It’s not fair at all for her to put on you like this and expect so much of you. She knows what she’s doing and is manipulating you by saying what your cousins do etc… No parent should want their child to be carer and place that burden upon them by guilt tripping them. It’s selfish.

You need to set boundaries OP. How do people manage if they don’t have kids or their kids live away? They have to pay for carers. The fact you have a child with ASD makes life even harder for you than most but she’s evidently not bothered about that, as long as she’s getting her way.

Put it like this, she’s more than happy for you to give up parts of your life to accommodate her and she’s certainly not putting you first. You have to put your family (DH/kids) and yourself first. Good luck.

Well, if she claims they can manage I’d take her at her word. Let them ‘manage’

Well it’s her or you - or your children. It’s very hard but the truth of it is there are only so many hours in the day and your first duty is to your children and husband - and yourself too.

I’ve already told my kids I didn’t have them to ruin their middle years! Told them I will prepare for my old age by moving and downsizing when I’m able and buying care I need. Told them to hold the line firmly even if I don’t.

Out of interest, did your mum care for older relatives at her own expense and with ND kids at the age you are now?

@EvelynBeatrice I agree. Said the same to mine.

Let her system fail and then offer to put a help in place but be firm that you are not the help!

I think I would have to have a frank conversation . I have my own family mum , stressful job and demands on
my time are huge . This means I am not available on demand for your crises . I am happy to help you find carers , cleaners , gardeners etc but that’s all I am able to do . At the end of the day if you end up sick no one gets help and your kids come first .

Yes - my mother was similar and as you suggested had no experience at all of elder care and did not understand the level of demand and that no adult child could step in and do it all - and that it's not a binary adult child or carers choice it's adult child and carers scenario as the level of need is so high. It's not called a second childhood for no reason and you have to set the adult rules as best you can although it is not easy as unlike a real child, the law allows them to make dangerous and foolish choices as they are deemed to have capacity. I don't know what the answer is but I am just hoping I don't go the same way and that my experience stops me making unrealistic demands of my dc

@EvelynBeatrice Out of interest, did your mum care for older relatives at her own expense and with ND kids at the age you are now?

That's the thing, she didn't. She lived 200 miles away and had 4 sisters, 2 of whom did all the caring that was required, and both her parents passed before I was born. This makes my blood boil at her entitlement and expectation.

Thank you all so much for your kind replies, I appreciate every single one of them and wish I could reply personally to you all 💕

Sorry to all of you who are experiencing, or have experienced, similar. It really is the pits and is so all-consuming. My heart goes out to anyone going through this.

Try killing her with praise and kindness. Give her nowhere to go. Reverse Psychology.

It’s amazing how well you manage, you are both doing so well, it’s such a shame I can’t do more- I can’t afford to lose my job and of course the DC are still so young. But you are doing really well. I was going to suggest a cleaner but it’s a bit of a waste really when you don’t need it….

😂 I like it

Yes- or if they then refuse you can remind them that they have the money 'for that' which could help as well.

My nana did the exact same to my mum. Refused help it took years for her to get a cleaner and lots of persuasion. I think some old people are just in denial which I sort of understand if you’ve been self sufficient so long but they don’t think about the impact on others.

Been there got the.t-shirt, the only difference is my mother was 95 when her.problema began last year, so we had an extra ten years on you.
Long story short, after struggling for months after a fall last year, we got carers in, but eventually we had to concede she needed to go Into a care home.
I really hope for your sanity and mental well being, you reach a happy medium.
Good luck.

Feeling you 100%.

Just to say that putting your children first is not selfish, it is what you're supposed to do.

I personally don't think it's boundaries, it's priorities. It's not that you don't think they deserve help, it's just that for you, your children's needs come first, then very close behind that yourself, then very close behind that is your partner. Part of all that is of course your job, which puts food on the table for your children. Another part is your relationship, which is the basis of your children's and your family life.

It's very hard that they are struggling. What a shame. Isn't it great that they have the money to buy in help, and that you could if really needed help them to talk to agencies. Other than that... well, it's a big month with exams and all that, you look forward to seeing them in a month. Speak soon Mum.

Bear in mind that listening to her moaning and just soaking it up without suggesting things is a job in itself.

I work with many elderly patients and the number of times I hear “ oh no I don’t need any help x will do it “ is just phenomenal, she is not alone, but as others have said boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing and upset her, have stock answers when she is self pitying -“ it’s your choices that Mean you don’t go out/ go on holiday/ don’t have any support etc etc. only you can change that” , “ I am happy to xyz but will not be abc” . Lay it on the line loud and clear. If there is any what about Ely or guilt tripping leave or put the phone down. Simple and direct as you would with a toddler!