Elderly mother refusing all help and putting it all onto me

[Frazzledmummy123]

Apologies in advance for lengthy post!

My parents are 84 (DM) and 88 (DM). DM is carer of DF who has undiagnosed dementia (on waiting list for memory clinic, but it is pretty certain he has, confusing time eras, worse at night and in cold weather, getting angry at tiny things, etc), he can barely walk, and some incontinence issues. He is totally reliant on my mum and can't look after himself long term, however is ok for a few hours to let DM go out - at the moment anyway.

They live in a large semi detached nowhere near amenities, stairs and no downstairs loo, won't use taxis, etc (a couple of my previous threads speak at length about this), won't listen if give her any info.

I have spoken to DM who is compos mentus about getting some carers in place, or a social work assessment done. Point blank refuses.

Recently she has been making constant guilt tripping comments about how much my (single with no families) cousins do for their mums, and is open to no help unless it is me doing it. Won't go anywhere unless being personally driven there and back by someone, won't get care in place despite constant moaning, and it took her 4 years to get my dad a walking frame and 3 years to see a doctor about his confusions. She just lives in denial while everyone around her picks up the pieces, and then when crisis point hits, everyone else is to sort it.

She had to spend a night in hospital last month and I stepped in to look after my dad. DH had to take day off his work at short notice to do school runs. Thankfully I was off anyway that day. I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have ASD. I was happy to help out, however nothing has been put in place since for if he has to be left alone again. I will be just expected to jump into action, and I just don't have the capacity to do it with my family and work commitments. But no, she just expects me to do it all and be 'on call' for any dramas. Obviously I am happy to help, but not to the capacity she expects, especially when no outside help is being deployed. She has even made comments alluding to if she wasn't here, I am to take my dad in. We live in a small flat, 2 floors up! She is also wanting me to go away on holiday with them as a carer.

She claims they can manage, yet all I hear is how she can't do this or that anymore, etc. I do feel for her as I know she is 84 and a full time carer, however she does absolutely nothing to help herself or her situation and just wants me to do everything for her and become their carer. I have tried to give her info about local social groups and carers groups, but all been poo pooed. Just doesn't want to do anything to help herself.

Please don't judge me, I am willing to help, but just not the way she wants me to. I am sick of the refusal to do anything, and the guilt trips and moaning. When I do try to help, she poo poos it so at times, I could just run away!

in my situation i am abroad so it's different. but i would NOT leave everything and go and care for a stubborn old woman. what i did was arrange for carers, sorted out a company that came recommended by a cousin, my sister sorted cleaners, they now have 24h care with someone who stays in my old room - fortunately it's much cheaper than the UK in their country

she was also stubborn as hell - saying she didn't want anyone at home, so we started with 8h a day, but then SO MANY complaints about the nights we moved to 24h.

fortunately she took to the carer and he can handle my dad. but i do remind little miss stubborn that even last December she wouldn't even want to hear us talking about carers and now she says she doesn't know what she'd do without the guy.

he is great and keeps me and my sister informed of stuff on whatsapp too.

but what if you got hit by a bus? what if you were in hospital? she would have to accept external help.

i don't know if it's me being ND and my parents having been authoritarian, toxic and things were so bad i moved abroad, but i don't give a shit about what they want - my sister (who is also abroad) and i do what they need.

@TinyTear you used two words in your post that really stand out to me when we are dealing with these stubborn people. WANT and NEED.

Years I listened to ‘I/we don’t want that. “Ok so what do you want?’

I do think there comes a time when the elderly require a strong conversation about what they NEED in life.

I was pondering the various threads on Elderly Parents and one thing really struck me. It’s seems many of the parents who ‘won’t accept outsiders’ to assist them are also of the brigade who have not made sensible choices about where they live, making their homes appropriate for old age the list goes on.

For those who say ‘you can’t plan’ you can. We downsized in our early 50s to a place we know when there is inevitably only one of us we will be able to manage.

We did this because we want to ensure our kids are not dealing with a massive house, garden etc when we get older.

Yes it was a wrench but everything we did was to make life easier for everyone ourselves included. We got a whole new lease of life getting rid of crap and ensuring we have a space we love and is suitable for us without hard work.

It seems a pattern that stubborn elderly have quite frankly walked blindly into old age assuming their adult kids will just do everything.

I agree. Dp's mum is on her own now with Parkinsons and sight impairment, and there are some forms of help she doesn't want, but she will accept lots of others, and has thought it all through. She's also had LPA for years. She has planned.

I don't think people understand the potential impact of cognitive decline on their own decisions. Whether it's linked to their own experiences of caring for or not caring for elderly relatives I don't know, though it seems likely.

oh my, this is happening to a friend of mine. Her Mum is 88, and back in the day never looked after her own Mother, just left it to numerous siblings. But expects my friend to be there and drop everything continually.

Now my friend is well on the way to what you are going through. Her mum only wants her daughter looking after her and fights against any help that isn't her.

We're old and I honestly will not expect my DCs to do this sort of thing for me. Easy to say but they have their own lives to live. A bit of emotional support, yes, but not continual hands on caring.

My fil has dementia and now lives in a nice care home.
It’s been a long journey getting him there, mostly for my lovely sil, who has done so much for them, bless her.

She was even doing personal care, which my mil was laughing about. I thought it was awful, personally.
That’s a job for a wife, son, or professional, and he refused to have help from the professional.

It’s been nigh on impossible for her to put boundaries in place, retrospectively.
But you can (nicely!) law down the law from here on in.

All the best, OP.

Looking at mine (some now dead!), I think partly they had a very different attitude to planning ahead and thinking about the future. They didn’t do it. But they didn’t have to. The ones that worked (the men, some of the women) got a job on leaving school and then stayed in it until retirement. They often got the job by word of mouth. If they were promoted it was passive - it happened to them. The only way I’ve got a better job is by actively looking for one and applying for it! They had final salary pensions, they paid in, then it paid out when they retired. Whereas I have a myriad of pensions from different jobs I have to make decisions about and keep an eye on - where should I invest (ethical, risky or not etc?), should I transfer them into one scheme? Several of them lived in council housing, so they got a flat and stayed in it for decades, eventually transferring to residential care (in the days when that was easier), whereas now I have to weigh up whether to remortgage for two years or three, and will probably retire and downsize to pay it off eventually rather than expecting to stay there until I’m really elderly.

I was sent to the local school, my DM was astounded we were viewing multiple primary schools, agonising over distances to schools and OFSTED and thinking ahead to secondary.

I can see how it played out for previous generations. They either died in their 50s or maybe 60s from cancer or a heart attack (both the sort of thing that’s much more treatable now), or lived to older but with multiple family/neighbours popping in, better hospital care (ie they kept you in to convalesce) but without the multiple problems and illnesses now. So it didn’t require much planning or thought. It just happened.

@EmotionalBlackmail great points. We have no option but to plan

Plus they had more children (mostly - the ones who didn’t have children are the ones who DID plan!), who almost all lived within the same few streets, the daughters barely worked after having children and were available in the daytime.

It’s not like they were wealthy - mine didn’t have a car or a phone or central heating, so it’s not some idyllic existence. But they were doing far less juggling and had far more support around.