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Elderly parents
Original poster

Timeliness of end of life.

99 replies

Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:18

I've got another thread on here as my mother in law is at end of life but this is just a question as I'm watching her cling on to life by a thread and it's breaking my heart. She has been discharged and is at home. She has s syringe driver and is on oxygen. She has had no food or water for three days. Definite deterioration since yesterday but still here. We are here 24 hours as day in a shift one of us at home with our kiddo. I just don't have any idea how long this takes. Its awful we don't want her to die alone but sustaining this level of vigilance is hard and watching her slip away. If you have done the last hurdle with a relative would you mind telling me how log this part took your loved one.

That was meant to read "timelines" not timeliness it won't let me edit the headline.

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 16/05/2025 16:21
Flowers I haven't been there, but I have read that often people do wait to be alone before they go, so maybe giving her some 'alone time' rather than someone being in the same room 24/7 might actually be helpful?
Crumpetsnottoast · 16/05/2025 16:28

I am so so sorry, I did this for my dad recently and I was also frantically searching for answers so will share his story. He was in a home (so a little easier for us) and he lasted over 2 weeks with no food or water, just mouth care. I was really shocked and he was not in good physical shape at all. I don’t think he was in pain or distressed and was completely unconscious and unresponsive to touch or sound for the last 5 days. Be kind to yourselves, it’s so hard when you have families of your own, work, maybe don’t live close…it sounds like you are doing a great job but if you have to step back, feel proud at the support you have given her instead of thinking about what you felt you should have done

Crumpetsnottoast · 16/05/2025 16:31

As @TeenToTwentiessays, after my last 12 shift in the home with him on my knees with it all, they phoned 30 minutes after I arrived back at my house to say he had passed

Original poster
Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:35

She knew her time was coming and was so frightened of being alone so feeling awful for leaving her. She is in an excellent care home so she is checked in on regularly. We live locally, I'm becoming chair shaped.:) just want a quick end instead of watching her poor little body straining to breathe. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:37

I think we are going to at together this evening before my husband does the night shift.Maybe people do wait till alone. I just want her to know she is loved as she goes.

OP posts:
AnotherVice · 16/05/2025 16:40

The thing that struck me here is that she is on oxygen. Why? At end of life it just prolongs it. It won’t reverse the underlying cause. The nasal prongs can be distressing/dry her mucous membranes. She can have morphine in the syringe driver to help with feelings of breathlessness. I would enquire about this first off.

Pennyplant19 · 16/05/2025 16:41

My Dad lasted 2 weeks on a morphine driver with no food/fluid. My Mum and I sat by his bedside for those 2 weeks, then on the advice of the hospice, we told him it was ok for him to go, that we were all ok, and we then left to go home, have showers, repack bags, and he went in that time. I firmly now believe that the terminally ill have some form of control (?) over when they go, whether they are alone etc.
So sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a difficult time Flowers

Original poster
Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:42

I think because she was gasping for air like a fish when she doesn't have it on its awful. She is at least peaceful with it on.

OP posts:
CoastalCalm · 16/05/2025 16:45

I think it was about five days with my dad , he was the opposite and died about ten minutes after I’d got back from having some rest - mum and me and my brother all there with him thankfully

ScoobyDoesnt · 16/05/2025 16:46

My dad lasted 9 days with no food or water, just oral care. We had a couple of hand squeezes for the first couple of days, but he was pretty much unconscious.

We just sat and chatted with him each day we visited, just random crap, the care home had made him look as comfortable as possible, and there was no medical intervention at all.

We all saw him on the last day at different times of the day. DM was the last to leave and he passed away about half an hour later, as a PP said, it was like he just didn’t want her to see him take his last breath.

Original poster
Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:52

We are at the stage where there is no response at all. She did open her eyes yesterday but today nothing. God love her ♥️

OP posts:
Readytohealnow · 16/05/2025 16:55

3 days for my beloved gran. She was so tough and clung on until the end. You are marvelous staying by her.

mumda · 16/05/2025 16:56

Hearing is the last thing to go. Tell her you love her. Talk to her.

Much sympathy and love.

Original poster
Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:57

The poor woman has had me wittering away all afternoon now 😀. Just need to sit this out.

OP posts:
zenas · 16/05/2025 16:59

OP if you still want to, I think if you report your OP to MN you can get the title amended.

My mum slipped away overnight after four days. She was very comfortable and well looked after. We were told nothing was imminent and we should go home and get some rest. So we did, and she left us about an hour later. It seems many "decide" to go when they are alone.

YellowPostIts · 16/05/2025 17:00

A suggestion, if she had a favourite book you could read that to her rather than struggling for something to say.

Original poster
Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 17:01

That's a good idea ! I'm trying to give her some quiet as well to be honest.

OP posts:
YellowPostIts · 16/05/2025 17:09

We’ve been through it recently ourselves. It’s extremely hard.

Sending un-Mumsnetty hugs.

Fourmagpies · 16/05/2025 17:11

It was about 6 days without water and food for my mum. Quite often they slip away in the early hours.

queenofthesuburbs · 16/05/2025 17:14

Can you leave some of their favourite music on when you leave? They might then feel that someone is in the room with them

LatteLady · 16/05/2025 17:17

Approximately five days for my mum, but every death is different, I think she went at that time because my sister was not there and knew I would cope better. I also told her that her work was now finished and that she could go... my sister 15 years later waited until I had left her. There is no science or art to it... but as others have said, let them know that they may leave so every so often leave the room for a few minutes.

My thoughts are with any of you doing the watch over the weekend.

Fallulah · 16/05/2025 17:25

Dad (cancer) was off his food for about 10 days getting progressively weaker. He was awake and speaking on the Monday but on the Tuesday was extremely agitated. The hospice team came out and he was able to express that he knew the time was coming and he was dying. They put him on the syringe driver so he wasn’t in any pain and he was then asleep, although responding vaguely to music and people speaking to him. He was suddenly agitated again on the Thursday night and we had to call the emergency doc who came out and said he couldn’t give any more drugs and the agitation was due to the build up of CO2 (?) and that it wouldn’t be long. The hospice team visited 2/3 times a day and every time they were amazed he was still hanging on and had to order more drugs! He eventually went on the Friday evening - I, the youngest child, had stepped out of the room to make tea and was called back in. I will never forget the sound of him snoring/breathing - it sounded like he was running a marathon for those 4 days. Every time I got the chance I thanked him for being the best daddy and that he could go and we would look after mum. Death was not peaceful!

My Nan, however, just went to sleep in her care home, and had nothing but mouth care for about a week, and slipped gently away.

Everyone is different. Thinking of you as you navigate this time.

MayaPinion · 16/05/2025 17:39

I’d been sitting with my dad for 24 hours and I was exhausted. I decided to go home to sleep for an hour. Drove home in 15 minutes, went straight up the stairs, got into bed fully clothed, and the phone call came through that he’d died. I was gutted, but I have no doubt that he wanted to die without me there. I still feel awful about it though.

TwinklyWriter · 16/05/2025 17:48

My nan passed away from terminal cancer recently, she was ill with it for 8 months, towards the end (or at least we thought it was the end!) she stopped eating (overnight went from eating a full plate of food to nothing at all the next day) she went without food or water for 3 and a half weeks, i still remember asking the nurses if this part was normal because I had never known anyone to last that long without.

Noticed towards the final few days her breathing changed and she got very confused, day before she passed away she woke up and was talking but it didn't make sense at all, She passed away the next morning in her sleep.

my grandad also had terminal cancer and was given 2 years to live, he got home from the hospital that day saying he could no longer swallow then passed away an hour later.

Soontobe60 · 16/05/2025 17:54

Menopausalmum43 · 16/05/2025 16:42

I think because she was gasping for air like a fish when she doesn't have it on its awful. She is at least peaceful with it on.

The gasping for air is a stage of death that people go through. If she is unconscious, it wouldn't be upsetting for her, more that its difficult for others to see as one would believe they're suffering.
My grandma was in the last stages of death for 2 days, my stepfather for 6 days.

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