Timeliness of end of life.

[Menopausalmum43]

I've got another thread on here as my mother in law is at end of life but this is just a question as I'm watching her cling on to life by a thread and it's breaking my heart. She has been discharged and is at home. She has s syringe driver and is on oxygen. She has had no food or water for three days. Definite deterioration since yesterday but still here. We are here 24 hours as day in a shift one of us at home with our kiddo. I just don't have any idea how long this takes. Its awful we don't want her to die alone but sustaining this level of vigilance is hard and watching her slip away. If you have done the last hurdle with a relative would you mind telling me how log this part took your loved one.

That was meant to read "timelines" not timeliness it won't let me edit the headline.

It was 3 weeks in a hospice without food and drink for my MIL, I think a week or so with the syringe driver. She also died at the only time she was left alone…it had all been around Xmas and we and husbands brothers all had young children and we decided the mums would go home with the kids and the dads (her sons) would then go back, so only FIL was at the hospice as the rest of us were all on the way back to our respective homes. She died when he left the room. Before that there had been a constant vigil. Very much understand the just wanting it to be over. We got the call when we were on the motorway and had to turn round and go back.

I told my mum to go lots of times. It was only when I said I was going home and my sister would be alone that she went. I'd stayed 7 days solid. It was literally minutes. We had a camp bed in the en suite to use. Dsis went to family for a sleep but I couldn't go, i wanted to stay. Luckily work were great.

I hope she passes soon. Take care.

Few days with my DH last year. I noticed his breathing change too. For a few days he was taking longer gaps between breaths. I too gave him permission to go (as I had with my dad a few years earlier). Sorry you're going through this OP and I hope your MIL passes peacefully soon.

@foreverblowingbubbless agree 💯 regards the assisted dying but that's a conversation for another time and place X I'm sorry about your dad x

I know you are in the last stages of your MILs life now OP and I hope for all your sakes that her passing is peaceful.

As many others have said, hearing is the last sense to go and we don’t know how much your MIL can sense, so its good that you are able to talk to her a little and perhaps play a song or music that is special to her. Even if she seems to have no awareness at all.

I sat at the deathbed of my teenage son when he was in that stage of stopping breathing for what seemed like minutes and then starting again. I know how hard it is and for us that stage went on much longer that I expected.

If you MIL had any religious beliefs at all, you can ask a minister / vicar / priest from that faith to come in and pray with her. Many faiths have special prayers for the dying. I have no logical explanation why that helps some people to pass peacefully but it does.

I want to say what a good DIL and wife you are. You are there for your husband and MIL when some of her own family are not

My DM was 97 with advanced dementia when she suddenly went downhill - TBH we’d started to think she’d see us all out!

From the time the care home informed us, it was about 36 hours (no food or drink, she was either asleep or unconscious, certainly not responding.). One of us was sitting with her the whole time - I was lucky in that 2 siblings who don’t live near were able to stay with me, so we took turns.
I was the one who was there when she died - there was some sort of warning, in that her feet and hands were turning blue.
TBH by then it was a relief that she was released from that pitiful existence. The care home staff were brilliant, so kind, bringing us tea/coffee/meals as we sat with her.

With respect I tried that with my Dad. But really it's meaningless.

You are a much kinder person than the rest of the family and I’m sure your MIL feels that too. You are doing a wonderful thing sitting with her all this time. Sending strength and hugs.

I lost my sister last year, pancreatic cancer. In a nutshell once she stopped eating and drinking and was pretty much unconscious it was only a matter of hours.
The hospice gave us some really good YouTube Tube videos to watch by a doctor who specialised in end of life, Kathryn Mannix. The first one was for the family but the other one was a talk she gave to professionals and was actually much more helpful.
The first link is the beginners guide. The second her TED talk which I found much more helpful but may not be for everyone.

https://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_mannix_what_happens_as_we_die_sep_2023

The breathing is key. My sisters breathing was very steady all day, it was only in the last few minutes that it slowed. It’s not always a struggle at the end. The terminal agitation they describe can happens days and weeks before they die. Certainly the deaths I’ve seen have been very peaceful at the end.

Sorry I meant days not hours. Her last food and drink was on the Friday and she died on the following Tuesday. It was the same with my mum. They actually died on exactly the same day 28 years apart. My mum was 55, my sister 56.

It's awful losing them so young. My dsis was 51.

Thanks for the support everyone she died at 4am we were by her side. Loved, safe and cared for. So sorry to hear of people's loved ones going. No more pain or discomfort.

Good you were able to be with her at the end. And as you say, no more pain.
Wishing you strength for today and the days ahead.

@Menopausalmum43 so sorry to hear the news. Sending you the biggest of hugs and strength for the coming days x 🙏🫂💐❤️

I’m so sorry. You’ve lived your values here, and honoured those promises to not leave her alone, which is something very profound, even if the practicalities have been boring and awful. Sending a hand hold 💐

So sorry. She’s at peace now and you and your husband have been bloody amazing. Lots of love to you both

@Menopausalmum43condolences. You stepped up to the plate.

Thanks you everyone. She passed at 5am this morning with her son by her side. Thank you all for your love snd and your support xxx

Sorry 4am.i posted the last night in a bleary eyed state . So tired thank you all xx

I’m glad she passed peacefully and that family members were able to be with her, as she wanted. You are a good person for doing what you felt was right, even when it was very tough.

I hope you get a little rest now and that the funeral planning goes smoothly.

I am sorry to hear your sad news @Menopausalmum43 Please be very kind to yourself over the next few months.

My mum went 4 weeks with no food and hardly any water.

it’s absolutely heartbreaking to watch but the end can be quite sudden and quick - or at least it felt that way when she’s been holding on for more than we thought possible.

I hope you’re all doing ok.

I hope it was peaceful