Timeliness of end of life.

[Menopausalmum43]

I've got another thread on here as my mother in law is at end of life but this is just a question as I'm watching her cling on to life by a thread and it's breaking my heart. She has been discharged and is at home. She has s syringe driver and is on oxygen. She has had no food or water for three days. Definite deterioration since yesterday but still here. We are here 24 hours as day in a shift one of us at home with our kiddo. I just don't have any idea how long this takes. Its awful we don't want her to die alone but sustaining this level of vigilance is hard and watching her slip away. If you have done the last hurdle with a relative would you mind telling me how log this part took your loved one.

That was meant to read "timelines" not timeliness it won't let me edit the headline.

Sending hugs to all of you who are going through this/have been through it. 🫂💐🙏❤️

My mum was in a very good nursing home. The nurse was doing observations on her, turned her back to do something. When she turned back my mum had passed. She had been semi-conscious for a few days before x

I've also heard that and experienced it.

Dp's dad got home from hospital with oxygen last Thursday, ate some food that evening. He died on Saturday. In his case he was surrounded by people.

The palliative care team made a plan to reduce and then remove the oxygen: he died about 30 minutes after it was turned off.

A week for dad. About the same for MIL. 2 days for FIL but he had sepsis among a long list of other conditions.

My MIL was in hospital for this heartbreaking last stage and I’m sorry to say it lasted 10 days. So long as familiar visitors were frequent at the bedside, we didn’t feel someone had to be there all the time. It was too much for us, and we could see that she was having periods of rest as well as awareness. It’s so hard, but it will end
peacefully. X

I've just been through this with my 92 year old Dad. He was in hospital. He took 19 days without food or drink, just mouth care. I know how hard it is.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your mum in law is surrounded by lots of people who love her, which must be a great comfort to her and yourselves. My Dad lasted 5 days once he had his syringe driver fitted . He was completely unresponsive. I read to him and talked to him. I was with him all the time, nipped to get a sandwich and he died whilst I was gone. So I think he was in some way waiting to pass alone .

Did this 20 yrs ago with my Dad- he waited (on purpose til we had gone downstairs for tea and a sandwich) my mum has just gone- I left her tucked up in bed- in no pain and breathing normally- she sent me home- I was going to go back and sleep over because she wouldn't get up that day - she could- still went to the loo and just got back in bed- but she looked me in the eye and said you go home. I popped by the next day and she was still in bed in the same position but was cold. Very peaceful looking- she had struggled with her health for years and just gave up. Very dignified and at 80 a good way to go. So sorry for anyone going through this its truly shit my dad knew his time had come was riddled with cancer and he lasted 5 days at home just with mouthcare from Macmillan his death was harder for me than mum as it was 'unexpected' with mum.

DM had been on a feeding tube in a nursing home for a long time, it came out and wasn't replaced - took about a week after that, I used to sit and read a book out loud, and was there at the end.

I’m so sorry you are at this stage. Sending you strength through this very difficult stage.

My DDad was a week after the first syringe driver was started. He then had a second syringe driver started about 36 hours before he died. He was unresponsive for 24 hours, and died when we all left the room briefly. He was on oxygen throughout as he died from heart failure and this was the only way he indicated he was comfortable.

Just about to swap dhifr we thought she was going about 11pm last night but she is clinging on with everything she has. I'm going to give her "permission " to go. She sued to talk very soberly about how she was looking forward to seeing her mum and husband again so maybe I should say that. She looks so tiny she mustn't be 6 stone wet through.

@Menopausalmum43 sending 🫂💐🙏❤️

i hope this isn’t insensitive but is she becoming mottled at her extremities (hands and feet)? That’s usually a sign that she will die within hours rather than days xx

Hugs op.
mil was 10 days.
Horrible time.
She waited till we’d gone.
The hospice were excellent.

We went through this with my FIL who had cancer. For him it was about 5 days with no food and water.
at the time I came across this palliative care doctor - she has a video called Dying is not as bad as you think which explains all the normal processes of death and it really helped particularly my MIL at the time www.kathrynmannix.com/

Interesting to read different lengths. I sat through about 5 days with no response (no food or fluids), and started to convince myself they sounded so healthy they would wake back up. The hospital wouldn't commit to time, as I guess it could vary. I was suggested hours at first. I did try and ask a bot, but the machine was programmed to shutdown that question. All very bleak. Keep your strength up.

There is a name for this but I can’t think of it. My dad was given morphine for it, which helps in more ways than one.

My mum said she didn't want to die alone, we spent a fortnight doing shifts in the hospice. I'm sure she waited for all 3 of us to be at her bedside. She passed away ten minutes after my eldest brother arrived.

I’ve also had experience of someone going just after they’ve been left alone. I think sometimes people hold on while you are with them because they want you to be ok. Also, I think there is a lot of value in telling someone they are loved, and telling them it’s ok for them to let go when they feel ready - give them ‘permission’ to go.
Hugs to you all. It’s so difficult, even when you’re expecting it.

It was 2 and a half days for my mum. Also passed when my sister and I took a break together.

2 days for DF once he'd been set up at home by the hospice at home team and GP with a "just-incase" syringe driver of anti-anxiety meds and morphine. He was lucid up until about 30mins before he passed.

Exactly the same with my Dad.

Breathing changes towards the end - irregular breaths, appearing to gasp for air, rattling in the throat are common towards the end of life. Morphine can also depress breathing as well.

Hi OP I’ve just recently been through this with my dad he was in hospital, was on oxygen & had no food/water for 4 days, he had been fighting cancer for nearly 7yrs & more recently kidney failure he put up one hell of a fight right to the very end, myself & my mum was with him, he passed on the 4th day very very peacefully 👼💔 I think he may have been waiting for my mum to tell him it’s ok to go if he needs too as just a few hours after she told him, we watched him take his last breath 👼💙

I’m so sorry you & your family are going through this it’s a very hard thing to be a part of but keep talking with your MIL she knows you’re all around her & knows she’s loved ❤️ sending love & hugs to you x