Anyone else petrified of losing parents?

[Bellatrixxx]

Mine are only mid 70s, and still in (so far as we know) reasonable health.
I feel so privileged as many of my peers have lost a parent now, my husband lost his dad a few years ago.
I just have no idea how I would cope, they are so so special to me, and a huge part of my children’s’ lives.

i don’t really know what I’m asking but I’m so scared as the day will surely come, anyone else feeling like this? So many thoughts and hugs to those who have lost their parent/s x

I’ve lost both of mine , my dad when I was 23 ( he was just 51) and my mum in my 50s - you cope because you have to , you have no choice so I’d stop dwelling on it .

No, it isn't something I fear at all. It will happen, I've always known that - I hope for my parents' sake we follow the natural order and they're not around to deal with my death. It's just part of life. I love them, but I don't want them to outlive me.

Dreading it is suffering twice. Cross that bridge when you come to it otherwise you will waste your life on feeling sad emotions when you could be enjoying life instead.

I'm so happy to hear your parents are important to you and doing well.

I adore my mum. She was wonderful to me and losing her used to be so hard to think about. But things are very different now. She is frail, tired, bedbound most of the time, often nonverbal, doubly incontinent. She has outlived all her siblings and friends, and although she still knows who we are, she doesn't have the energy for us most of the time. I am very sure that for her, death is what she is waiting for, and I am at peace with it too. Doesn't mean I won't grieve but I don't think it will be agony.

My relationship with my dad wasn't as good but honestly, I knew soon before he died that he'd lost all the things he liked in life. I haven't really felt much grief. He lived a long life with many good moments, and then it was over and it was natural and OK.

Of course that day will come, but in all honesty as the first reply said, you just get on with it. I’m not looking forward to losing my Dad, my mum died when I was 14, so I’m aware this is colouring my response, but I’m not dwelling on it I’m enjoying the time I still have him here. You have no idea how long you’ve got so focus on the now, not the what ifs and maybes.

My mum's health is getting worse (she's 75 and has had a chronic illness that tends to be life shortening for nearly 40 years) and I know the day is getting closer when I'll get that call. I'm very sad about this because I love her to bits and would miss her terribly, but not terrified. I've kind of reconciled myself to the idea that any time she may die suddenly, but not unexpectedly. Honestly she's gone on a lot longer than might be expected so I'm just glad we've had the time with her and my kids, who are teenagers now, have known her. She first told me she wasn't likely to live to an 'old old' age before I met DH and I was devastated at the time that I might have kids who would never know her, but luckily that didn't come to pass.

I'm more scared about what will happen to my dad without her, as he's not a social type and I don't think he will cope mentally very well without her. Once upon a time I thought he might remarry (my mum always said she wanted him to once she was gone if that's what he wanted) but I think he's too grumpy and set in his ways now for anyone else.

I’m dreading it OP. My DM is in her 80s and the thought of her not being here is sickening. I really do fear how I’ll cope afterwards but I know that she would want me to for the sake of my DCs (her grandchildren).

This resonates with me.

If your parents are very elderly, and you've got many happy memories, when they do pass away it's a feeling of gratitude for having them, and of course sadness. I focused on my children and although we felt sad, we accepted it was the natural order of life.

I used to feel like you but like @PermanentTemporary my feelings have gradually changed as my parents have entered extreme old age. They were both in good health until 80ish but a few years on and my dad is clearly losing his memory and my mum is very physically frail. It's not nice to witness their pleasures in life gradually fade and diminish and I increasingly feel it's their time - and I think so do they. In fact, my greater fear now is that my dad will live several more years until he is totally incapacitated which would be incredibly hard and unfair on him.

My advice would be, don't borrow trouble - enjoy them in the here and now, you can't predict what will happen or how you'll feel as the years go on.

No. Once my mum goes, I'm not having any more parents.

I just don't let myself think about it, it will happen one day and I'll deal with it then.

They are late 70's and have had various health issues over the last 4 years although are currently both okay.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your messages.

@Mydoghealsmyheart my heart goes out to you because I feel exactly the same. I just can’t imagine it.

@Echobelly I’m so sorry that your mum was dealt such a cruel card. I’m so glad your children got to know her, perhaps that’s what is pulling at my heart so much - my parents’ beautiful relationship with my toddlers. I really hope your dad will be okay when the day comes…..he sounds exactly like my dad ❤️

It’s not something to look forward to but for most of us it’s inevitable that they’ll pass away before us. And if we pass away before them, it’s especially traumatic as a parent.

My dm passed away when I was I my teens and my Nan never got over it. My df passed away in my 40’s.

Very much brought home last few weeks as MIL died unexpectedly. Yes she had been disabled and gradually declining but this was absolutely not how anyone thought it would be.

Life is about loss. We all lose everything in the end. We're all on the same journey.

My mum and stepdad are both 82 and in poor health, my mum in particular is very frail. If she survives another winter I'll be surprised.
Of course I don't want her to die, but death comes to us all. Their lives are very diminished. They are increasingly unable to go out. My mum was always a very sociable person, many of her friends have already died. I think she feels very isolated.
They get a lot of pleasure from the visits from the grandchildren and great grandchildren, but can't cope with noisy babies and toddlers for two long either.
I don't want her to suffer more than she does now, so whilst I'll be sad when she goes, it will also be a relief that she is free from pain.

My great grandmother 'mourned' the death of her husband for over 40 years in a very dramatic way, Queen Victoria level. Quite frankly it overshadowed her children's lives, and that of the next 2 generations. It was too much, life moves forward.

It isn't a funny subject, but that did raise a smile.

My dog has been deteriorating and I've said several times I'm not having another. I had to have him PTS yesterday and my Facebook feed is full of SpanielAid posts (I must have looked at one). I'm not having another dog...

Clearly, a dog isn't a parent. I've already posted above about my parents. Just this resonated.

@PermanentTemporary thank you - your messages really impacted me. I just lost my grandmother who was also frail, and was ready to sleep. It was a wrench and a blessing when she passed. So I understand you perfectly - I hope I’m lucky enough that they reach extreme old age, at which time it might feel like the best most peaceful path.

I really hope your dad is and will be okay xxxdd

I lost both my parents by the time I was 31. I was incredibly close to them and growing up my biggest fear was losing them. As a PP said, you do cope and you can also find strength in reflecting on the love and gratitude you showed them when they were alive. I’d recommend worrying less and instead pouring that energy in to loving and cherishing them.

I hear you @Bellatrixxx . When I contemplate the fact that my dad is mortal and won't last for ever (he is 82) I just start crying. I want to tell him to bloody do whatever it takes to be immortal. It's horrible, but this is life. It is precious because it is temporary. My love for my mum is different, she's a difficult person to connect with. I don't really have the same upwelling of panic at the thought of life without her, though I am sure I will grieve when that time comes. The grief we feel when we lose someone, and the fear we feel in anticipation of that grief when we remember they won't live for ever, is an intrinsic part of the joy we have in loving someone that much. That joy is worth the future pain.

I’m trying to reply to you all as I’m so grateful for the input as it’s really been making me sad. But you’re all so helpful - @tinyspiny im so sorry for you loss

@DearMartha im so sorry for you and thank you, such good advice xxxx

@RareGoalsVerge you are so right….grief is how you know you loved. Doesn’t stop the fear, I also have such a deeply beloved dad. Hoping that yours and mine love for many more years to come xx

Lost my father when he was in his early 50s and my mum died in her 70s .
Also don't have any siblings to talk about any childhood / parent memories .
So I find that quite sad .

I always dreaded it, and yes it was awful when it happened.. like the bottom of the world fell out. But this might sound weird, but I’m relieved I don’t have to worry about when it’ll happen anymore.

@Harrysmummy246 please know that a stranger across the land is thinking of you and sending love xxx