Anyone else petrified of losing parents?

[Bellatrixxx]

Mine are only mid 70s, and still in (so far as we know) reasonable health.
I feel so privileged as many of my peers have lost a parent now, my husband lost his dad a few years ago.
I just have no idea how I would cope, they are so so special to me, and a huge part of my children’s’ lives.

i don’t really know what I’m asking but I’m so scared as the day will surely come, anyone else feeling like this? So many thoughts and hugs to those who have lost their parent/s x

You’re so right @Pashazade im so sorry for you loss but I do need to work harder on appreciating what I have today and not panicking x

As a pp said, I felt like this for a long time until the reality of old age started to bite for my parents. I'm lucky to still have both but 3 years ago my Dad in his early eighties (previously super healthy and v fit) had a severe stroke. Very badly affected, but worked hard and eventually able to speak and walk (with aids) again. Then 6 months later a huge downturn which turned out to be lymphoma. He wanted chemo, had 6 rounds, and is now cancer free for as long as it lasts. But he is now very frail, has loads of lasting and unpleasant post chemo effects and frankly very limited quality of life these days.

My mum is 77 now, still v fit and healthy but under enormous pressure as Dad's carer and frankly struggling with it.

I'm no longer scared of losing them, much as I know it'll be hideous at the time. I'm more scared of any more decline, pain and indignity for them having seen what the last few years has done to both of them. I live 2.5 hours away and work ft too which doesn't help. Feels like a ticking time bomb and I'm perpetually worried about how to help more/mum's refusal to let me/what could lie ahead/etc.

I used to always write “I couldn’t live without you” in all my mums birthday cards, and I meant it. But there’s a very true phrase “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”. And it’s true. Honestly, outsource this problem to your future self and trust they will be able to deal with it when the time comes. Otherwise you are suffering unnecessarily now. Life isn’t promised to anyone and you could be wasting perfectly lovely days worrying about your parents dying and then be hit by a bus yourself the next day.

My mum died in 2022 10 weeks after my second wedding. She was 86 she had had two low grade lung tumours removed in 2009 and 2020 but it came back in her nervous system. At my wedding she was complaining of wobbly legs and within 2 months couldn't talk or swallow or move around. It was a horrible way to go. Mentally she was fantastic. My dad is nearly 93 and has developed epilepsy. I hope he goes quickly when the time comes as he's some distance from me. His memory is affected due to medication.
My FIL is 97 and has heart failure and my mil died very suddenly at 97. A blessing really even though a shock as she was beginning to develop dementia.
I think it will be so hard not having any parents but I'm lucky they go to see me grow up and my children and see me re marry having been widowed at 48.

I’m more scared of them having Alzheimer’s or dementia or some awful
painful, illness.
Mine are mids 70s and currently pretty fit and well. Dad has had some health issues in the last 3 years and is definitely less robust than he was. They have aged considerably in the last couple of years. But both still drive, garden, travel pretty extensively. Have a much better social life than me.
I want them to enjoy it all for as long a possible.

This is a lovely post and a great way to look at it - trust that future you will cope with this in spite of the grief. In the meantime, enjoy every minute with your loved ones.

Yes. I have huge anxiety over losing my parents both in their 70s now. Particularly suffering from anxiety about losing my mum who I'm very close to. I just cannot imagine my life with out her. I really don't know how I will cope as I don't have a huge support network around me.

I am 46 and both of my parents have died, my mum over two decades ago, and my dad earlier this year. Losing my mum hit me so hard, I have never really got over it. Losing dad was hard because I was obviously devastated and so were my children. To be honest, I think you need to focus on enjoying the here and now. We never know what's ahead. I think my Dad had a pretty good innings, and have found it so much easier to be grateful for what he had, because he had a pretty standard lifespan.

Of course you will be upset, but the price of love is grief. Don't grieve now when you have nothing to grieve for. Do you think it could be linked to an increased concern about your own mortality?

I think if they're elderly (let's say over 85), they go before you (losing a child is much worse than losing a parent IMO), they are in good-ish health till near the end, and they don't have a long decline or a violent death, then I'd be OK with it.

I lost one too young, and the other is having a long slow decline, mostly immobile and in pain.

I remember feeling like this when my parents were in their 70s. Gradually their health declined significantly and life became very hard for them. Dad died last year (85) and of course I miss him but there is a sense of relief for him. Mum still here but really struggling. Dread her not being here but am coming to terms with the fact that will happen and I know I’ll cope. Try not to think about it and enjoy your time with them whilst they are here and able.

It helps that Mum has talked about it and is ready when it comes, with no regrets. She had a mini stroke last year, fortunately the dangerous 48 hours passed without another one coming but she literally expressed at the time to me that she could accept it if it came because she's had a long life, she's in quite a lot of pain now and so on. Hard to hear on one level, but reassuring as well.

@Smartiepants79 - yes, I'm also more scared of alzheimer's. It's probably not a worry for my mum, for reasons above. I think both parents have left advanced directives for medics not to prolong their lives if it happens.

I lost my Dad about this time last year, after a very short illness. You cope, you have to - I used to dread it too but you surprise yourself with your resilience

I hear you OP.
For years I dreaded my parents passing as DM had stage 4 cancer then df had cancer twice.
When he died it wasn't as bad as all the time suffering.
Obviously it will be weird when DM goes as I will have neither except this time I know what to expect a bit more.
Husbands wives or dcs would be worse.

I am pleased my comment was received in the way it was intended. Certainly it is a difficult subject for some. I lost my dad over two decades ago, and my mum and I have never really been close.

Big hug regarding the dog. It took me ages to have another when I lost my first one, and I have always had a break between dogs. Some of it was circumstances, but a good deal was respect too.

I think that @Bellatrixxx should celebrate the relationship she has with her parents, which will of course be difficult when the inevitable happens. I never had that, so when my mum goes, I will sadly be relieved that I won't have to deal with the constant criticism anymore.

My dad is 89 and very recently fell at home which resulted in a brain bleed. He's out of hospital now and is managing day to day but only just. It's brought it into sharp focus how old he is and how frail looking he has become in the last few months. My mum is 72 ( split from my dad ) housebound with various physical and mental health issues. I try not to think about it to much I already have so much on my plate without bringing myself down further thinking about the future that I can't do anything about

Yes, I could have written your post myself - save for some slightly different circumstances. It’s been a massive concern for me in recent years and very upsetting to think about. Thankyou for sharing your post.
I’ve liked reading the lovely thoughtful replies on here with good advice. Condolences to those that have lost parents.

I've lost my mum and both my inlaws quickly within a 14 month period. You survive because you have to, life has to go on especially if you have young children. I now just focus on happy memories and cherish the many, many good times we had and how lucky we were to have had such amazing parents in our life.

My mum especially, who died first at 65 demonstrated so much strength in resilience in the three months from when she was diagnosed till she died, il always carry that with me.

In a way, it's taken away some of my fear around death. I used to lie awake worrying about when I died and how my children would cope and me not being here to comfort them. It's taught me they will be okay and life for them will carry on and has removed that fear I had.

When I was very small, I used to wake screaming from having dreams that my parents had died. I'm very close to both of them, but my Mum, my cheerleader, my rock and my children's playmate and confidante just means the world to me.

I lost her 2 weeks ago, she was 74 and had been healthy and on the go until a sudden stroke last July. She lived for 8 months afterwards, she got to meet my newest baby, but it breaks my heart to think she won't be here to see him grow. To laugh with and talk to. I still have my Dad, but he has dementia and so I am now his carer. I live in a new world now, and I hate it.

I felt the anticipatory grief and dread that you mention in quiet moments within a busy life. I wish I'd lived more in the moment and taken more photos of them enjoying life with our DC. Ten years later they've sadly both gone now and the family home sold. It's been hard for sure, but we have fabulous memories of holidays and birthday meals together. In fact we still celebrate their birthdays by cooking their favourite meal and dessert and raise a glass to them.

I'm looking at this from the other side of the coin, as a mother of adult children. I feel very sad at the thought of them being left alone when the survivor of DH and I dies. I also have begun to think of the possibility that I could outlive at least one of my DCs. I very much hope that doesn't happen.

My father died when I was 39 and my mother when I was 61. When mum died, I felt cast adrift somehow. She was the person who had known me for the whole of my life and who anchored me to my childhood and to my past. Now, I am the oldest generation in the family and have taken her place. I guess that's just the natural order of things.

My heart is full with all the stories being shared on my post - thank you so much. It’s immense food for thought in terms of living in the now, cherishing what I have (must try harder) and trusting I will find the strength.

@Lidlisthebusiness I am so so sorry for your recent loss. Sending you love and strength xxx

@Capybearer Im so sorry you lost your mum in your thirties, “cast adrift” is an apt sad and relatable expression.

Well - your parents lost their parents. So it won't be something they didn't have to cope with too.

A friend who is a GP once said, "parents are SUPPOSED to die before their children," in that way that someone who has had to deal with unvarnished human biology for decades has.I found it oddly comforting.

I love my mother but as I grow older myself it sounds silly to say it but I feel the order shifts in a family and we no longer 'need' our parents in the same way? I'm a mature adult with no reliance on my parents now - I'm confident in my decisions and life and while my children love their grandparents I feel their relationships with me, their dad, and their siblings are much more important as will endure through more of their life.

Its very sad when people pass away earlier than expected but when people have lived a full life and reached an old age often they are ready to go. And I feel by the time my parents leave us I and my siblings will feel ready to take on that position at the top of the family?