Anyone else petrified of losing parents?

[Bellatrixxx]

Mine are only mid 70s, and still in (so far as we know) reasonable health.
I feel so privileged as many of my peers have lost a parent now, my husband lost his dad a few years ago.
I just have no idea how I would cope, they are so so special to me, and a huge part of my children’s’ lives.

i don’t really know what I’m asking but I’m so scared as the day will surely come, anyone else feeling like this? So many thoughts and hugs to those who have lost their parent/s x

Bless you, try not to spend whatever time you have left with them worrying. It’s going to happen, death and taxes! You will grieve, of course you will but you get used to it. You have to, you don’t have a choice. 💐

My Dad died last year unexpectedly at 76. He wasn’t ‘elderly’ and we weren’t at all ready for it. He had pancreatic cancer and was gone within two months of diagnosis, and he was so very poorly for the last few months of his life but it was still sudden and unexpected, if that makes sense?

I won’t lie to you, it is devastating and the worst pain I have ever known. And the thought that I have to go through it again with my mum at some point is almost unbearable.

But then I walk around and look at people going about their lives and think well, almost all of us are going to lose our parents. In fact you’d almost hope to as the alternative is you dying young. And somehow we all get through it and the world continues turning.

It is awful and sad and I assume at some point the grief gets less. But you can’t waste your time grieving and being anxious BEFORE they go.

For the first time I feel like I don't really need my parents anymore. They are late 70s and have some health issues and as I have gotten older and my own dc have grown (approaching secondary) I feel I can see a life without them. The thought of them
not being here is painful but not so completely overwhelming as when I used to think about it years ago. I thought it was maybe because i've gotten older myself. I feel privileged to have had them around for so many milestones

Or maybe them being ill has prepared me somewhat?

It got to the stage with both my parents that it would be better for them if they passed

I miss them daily. I talk to them multiple times a week

I think you just cope without them, you just do ❤️

am in my mid-40s and over the last 10 years my entire family's died (both parents, sibling, last grandparent). Its miserable but you cope - there's not much choice really.

Back at Christmas 2021 a friend of mine in her 50s was fretting about her elderly parents (in their 80s). She was wondering whether to travel the 150 miles to visit them or not because she was scared she might pass on covid to them. She was telling me how much she loved them and was saying very similar things to people on this thread - that she was scared of losing them one day - unknown to her at that time she herself had terminal cancer (she was in incredibly good health so it was a real shock) and she really sadly died 4 months later. The take away from that is there really is no point worrying about the future, although the expectation is that your parents will go first, it’s sadly not always the case.

I think this is very true.

I’m the same, mid 40s and lost them all before I was 40 including siblings. Sucks doesn’t it but my god I feel like I can handle anything now

I say this with kindness but no. Parents will naturally die before us in the natural.order of things. My df died 20 years ago. My dm is still alive at 90 but when she goes I will just be pleased she's had a great life and hopefully goes with no pain.

Of course it's different if a parent dies very young. But 70 80 plus after a good life then no.

My parents are very late 70s. I’m not petrified of them dying - it’s the normal order of things. I’ll be sad, of course I will. I have a good relationship with both of them, and they live close enough that I can see them / they can come to me for lunch whenever we like. I’ve also got siblings. It’ll be a shock when it happens I am sure, but at the moment they are independent, active and, fortunately, affluent enough to be able to pay people to do things so I am not called upon for mundane activities.

But, my husband died when I was only 48, so maybe I have a different perspective. That was unexpected, and at one level, in the short term, devastating. 6 years later I’m at peace with it - though it took most of that time to reach that position. It’s my parents in law I feel for; they lost their son at 47. They are both still alive, though I don’t see anything of them nowadays. They drifted away...and I sort of get that. Why would they want to be constantly reminded that I am alive and their son is dead. I miss talking to them about him though, although I had heard all their stories about everything multiple times, so maybe it’s a blessing ;)

@Tryingtokeepgoing

It's good you have children. It's nice to be able to pass down memories and physical things from your parents to them.

I'm the last of my particular branch and I have so many photos and memories and when I'm gone, they'll mean very little to anyone else. Sad but there you go.

So many messages that are helping me with perspective and touching my heart - thank you.

@Tryingtokeepgoing I am so sorry you lost your husband so young. That’s a different story entirely and I’m sending you love, I can’t begin to imagine how you cope with that xxxxxx

I lost my mum when I was 46 and was devastated. My mum was absolutely the best and even though she was 77 it didnt feel fair. My dad was never the same and even though we had lost our mum we were mindful he had lost his life partner. I recall on the 5th anniversary of mums death he said that the past 5 years were the worst of his life, I couldnt begin to imagine his pain.
4 years later he had to have surgery, not anything life threatening, he never made it back out of hospital and I believe he gave up. I know he loved us all but I think life was too hard for him without mum, so while we all grieved I kind of found peace with it if that makes sense.
It is the proper order of things even though life is never quite the same.
It is my birthday today and they have both been on my mind all day, thinking of their excitement to have another baby to add to the family even though it is two lifetimes ago.
Once you get over the grief you have all the memories and they will help you through.

My father died when I was 37 and my mother has been grieving ever since. I think her joy in life went with my father and so I don’t dread her dying at all. I don’t mean that callously but I worry about her more than I enjoy her. I think when you have both parents and they are happy then just enjoy it. I miss having that.

I wouldn't say I'm petrified but I'm dreading it and feel very sad thinking about it.

No, I'm not dreading it at all. They are mid 70s too. We all die, every single one of us and when it happens, it happens. Memento mori, said the Stoics. I've read a lot about death and suffering and grief, and it seems to me that the best we can do is appreciate them (and everyone else) while they are here and let the future take care of itself. I hope they have good deaths - not dragged out, demented, incapacitated, fearful deaths. I know I can't do much about that, but it's what I would want for them.

I also practice thinking about it and what it might feel like - testing myself, and preparing, if you will. Imagine the world ending, and you'll generally find it isn't as bad as you thought it might be. So I imagine the world without them, how that would feel and how I would cope. And I realise that the world won't end.

I was terrified of it in my teens and early 20s. A school friend lost a parent in early teens which made me think about it. One of my parents died when I was in my 20s and I couldn’t imagine how life would carry on. But it did. I feel sad they never got a chance to meet my wonderful DH or their gc though. But it did mean I had to be an “adult” from that point on as there wasn’t that parent to turn to for help any more.

My remaining parent is now in their 70s and drives me mad. Doesn’t want to be involved in gc lives. Not sure how much I’ll be sad about it when they do go. I’m pretty fed up with them most of the time, sick of having to run around after them and deal with the various crises.

I think it’s the difference between losing them too young or when they’re very elderly.