Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

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We ( me, DH and DD 17) have made the decision to move in with DM. She is 82, mentally very switched on but getting frailer with various physical health issues. Her house is big enough for us all but it will still be an adjustment and she can be very opinionated and demanding.

Please tell me some success stories, DH and I both work full time and DD is at college full time, and I know the majority of her care will fall on me.
Financially this will be beneficial to us as we are currently renting, but we won't be able to stay in the house forever as she has taken equity release on the property and I have a DB who will be expecting half of what's left whenever anything happens to DM.
I'm just a bit scared that this is going to all go horribly wrong!

If you’re going to do this, definitely have an escape plan. Maybe agree with your DH to do it initially for one year, during which you both save as much as possible.

After that year, you sit down and have an honest conversation about whether you both want to continue.

Realistically, your mother could live another 10 - 15 years or more, with her abilities only ever diminishing in that time and her needs growing.

And that’s without throwing a difficult and demanding personality into the mix.

OP I wish you luck.

It can work - me and DH and our 2 teens live with his mum who is in her late 80s and has several health problems.

But we have a separate living room so we don't have to watch constant granny tv, which keeps us all sane.

The kids see more of her than they would if she was in a home and I think it's good for them to be able to help in small ways (making cups of tea, changing DVDs, nothing major).

The worry is that her health will deteriorate further and we'll have to spend a lot of time with her, which could impact the kids. She's adamant that she won't go into a home, but she bloody well will if we get to the point where we can no longer manage. I think it's helpful to have an end point in mind, which may not be end of life, and be flexible and prepared for things to change.

And be kind to yourselves.

My friend had her mum move in with her and her partner (no kids) and she stayed until the end

It worked for them as the partner was her full time carer while my friend worked from home (civil service) but it was difficult and she was very close to her mum.

As the dementia advanced the mum had several strokes and for the last year was bed bound, it took both of them to take her to the toilet and she basically was in a. hospital bed in their lounge.

They had things like PoA in place and towards the end had some support with palliative care, but they did the caring themselves. She died at home.

I’ll offer a different opinion OP. My dad promised my mum that he wouldn’t put her in a care home. We had carers 4x a day, paid for by the local authority when her savings ran out and then the nhs when she qualified for chc. She died at home.

My life would have been immeasurably easier if I had lived with them with my family in a house big enough to accommodate us all. Inevitably even not living with us I ended up doing significant personal care and spent a lot of time away from my own family which caused tension. When it snowed for instance the care agency “couldn’t get there” so I left my family and drove the 10 miles 3x a day in the snow instead. Frequently the agency couldn’t perform the care package.

Make sure you set up carers coming in and I actually think it may be easier than having to visit etc. I would have done medical appointments etc anyhow though - I guess it is different if you are a visit for an hour on Sunday sort of person. I appreciate that care homes are easier for family (although you still have the visiting issue) but they are not the right option for all families. You sound like you are quite involved in your mums life and with appropriate boundaries this may well make your life easier - not least because you will also not have the uncertainty of renting for that period.

Recommend
Apply for attendance allowance for your DM it is not means tested

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

You made your decision and you are going to have to make the best of it. From my experience (as a carer for my DF), I would make sure you have everything in place for your DM now and not to wait until she needs it.

For example, Attendance Allowance, stair lift, walk in shower with a fixed seat on one of walls and all the necessary safety rails. If she hadn’t got one - a riser/recliner chair with an over-chair table. If she has sufficient funds, consider a riser/recliner bed with a Smart TV in her bedroom and another over bed table. Also consider a commode chair for her bedroom for nighttime emergencies just in case she cannot get to the bathroom in time.

Consider making a fortnightly or monthly menu for your meals and getting your shopping delivered. Print it out and stick it on your fridge so that everyone knows what food to prepare and then it doesn’t become your default job. Ditto a cleaning schedule.

You might like to think about contacting a local care company that can provide an occasional hot lunch for her. If she gets used to carers coming in, it will make it easier for you to transition to full time carers if you would like to take some time off.

Your DM may already have some of these things in place so it’s just a question of getting everything you need to make this arrangement work for everyone.

Good luck.

Suggest get health & wealth POA in place ASAP

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

It is OK to say NO sometimes

If you can afford it, ensure that you still go away for day breaks & holidays

If your DM is OK to be left for short periods of time or get other family & friends to help

Sorry OP that I don't have a success story to share. The way you describe your anxiety about this change makes me worry too! I can only suggest that if any of you is very unhappy after say six months, you give yourselves permission to look for a different solution. Your mum is in a good state cognitively which will make it easier to explain what is and isn't working for you, DH and DD, and negotiate if necessary.
I hope it works out, but not every decision made in good faith has a good outcome and people are allowed to change their minds.

I have a friend who did it (no partner or kids). Her dm was lovely, not demanding or opinionated. Nevertheless, it was very difficult indeed- friend lost all independence very quickly. Strongly suspect her mother was stoically silent. It went on for 4 years, at which point dm died, everyone sighed with relief, friend got house etc.

You need clear boundaries. What you are prepared to do, what you aren't and at what point you will no longer be able to provide the care and/or be getting in external help. You need to make it clear that just because it is their house and you are providing care, you are not a servant and there are things that you will not tolerate.

I would suggest you start with a care needs assessment so that you have a clear starting point. This will enable you to all sit down and work through needs and communications.

I live in with my elderly parent. It works fine, but is not without stresses. You are never 'off'.

It’s the uncertainty that’s difficult. At 86 my mother was sprightly, sharp mentally with no care needs. Was planning holidays when a short illness took her in weeks. She had the life and outlook of a 60 year old.
My father at the same age has gone from similar to mixed dementia, incontinent, immobile, with 2 carers 4 times a day in a shockingly short time frame.
Good luck x

One thing I’d say is plan for things earlier than you need them and try to automate as much as possible.
Set 4 weekly menus and get food delivered.
If your mum drives/taxis to appointments then try to get them moved. Many can be home visits e.g chiropodist, and you can set them up as recurring so that you don’t have to keep organizing them. As soon as one is done the next one goes in the calendar.