Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

[darksideofthemooncup]

We ( me, DH and DD 17) have made the decision to move in with DM. She is 82, mentally very switched on but getting frailer with various physical health issues. Her house is big enough for us all but it will still be an adjustment and she can be very opinionated and demanding.

Please tell me some success stories, DH and I both work full time and DD is at college full time, and I know the majority of her care will fall on me.
Financially this will be beneficial to us as we are currently renting, but we won't be able to stay in the house forever as she has taken equity release on the property and I have a DB who will be expecting half of what's left whenever anything happens to DM.
I'm just a bit scared that this is going to all go horribly wrong!

Of course it's not too late. So you just want to hear success stories? but as this board will prove there are very few of those. You seem like you want to bury your head in the sand. If she's demanding and opinionated now, do you think it will get better?

If you become the main carer, solo, it’s going to break you even if your mum is sunny and non-critical.
I did it first my late dad, I don’t regret it, we actually had some good times and great laughs, but he was pretty easy going.
I had to give up my job because even working from home. Once medical appointments start piling up it’s just very tough.
She may be ‘deathly scared’ of going into a care home but at some point, she may need to.
One thing I would do is make sure you have sorted out POA, both medical and financial.

Presumably the success stories won’t involve an opinionated and demanding mother

Nor moving the entire family in to her home rather than the other way round

Not me, but my neighbour/husband and her mum.

They had separate living rooms. Carers did the personal care so that the mum maintained her privacy and dignity.

The arrangement lasted about 18 months until the mum’s death. I knew them pretty well and it seemed to work. The two teens liked having their grandmother there.

I’d advise setting good boundaries and talking over the issues posed upthread in a frank way.

Constructive advice:
Make sure your DD has her own space - enough of it to invite her mates round when she wants to without annoying your DM.
Negotiate boundaries and expectations at the outset. My parents expected to be waited on hand and foot when we visited but ALSO wanted everything done their way.
Work out how the days are structured. Who is going to come home at lunchtime to check in on your DM? Will it be you every day or can you and your DH take turns?
Get started on future-proofing the house: grab rails, ramps, being able to care for your mother downstairs if/when she can’t manage the stairs any more (does she have a downstairs bathroom? Can you get one put in if not?)
How will the finances work? That discussion needs to be had.
Have you thought about holidays? - what happens when you and your DH/DD want to get away?

What's your plan for who will do your mum's care during the day, when things get to that point and you're at work?

When you say 'there's no going back' what do you mean? Have you given notice on your current accommodation?

Has your mum made a will? Have you, her and your brother had a discussion about how you moving in - which saves them both worry and money on care - should affect who gets what percentage of the house after her death?

I don’t think I’ve heard a single success story involving the whole family moving in, and a demanding opinionated parent.

You may end up having to move out again in 6 months time.

It’s not a choice I would make. Especially with a 17 year old.

My advice to make it bearable - save like crazy while you’re there because you have no clue how long or short that will be, or how much notice you’ll get to vacate the property.

And every time you feel like you’re going to lose your shit have a look at your savings account.

DON’T DO IT OP, unfair on your DH & DD, these arrangements never usually end well. I wish you well.

From my experience of moving back in with parents (albeit different circumstances);

Get clear on the ground rules and expectations from the start. The issues tend to come from crossed wires or different valid views.

And accept that it needs some admin. When everyone knows where they stand, it’s generally smooth. Big stuff and small stuff.

Who pays which bills.
Whats the deal with the main living area and control of the remote.
Who tells who where they’re going / coming home / locking up / taking keys.
Who’s cooking meals, how they know who they’re cooking for, what the deal is if you change your plan / what time the meal is.
How the laundry works. One basket that’s worked through by everyone. Separate baskets and do own, mix of the two.
How the shopping list works (one on the fridge, add stuff that’s needed to it, know what day the shopping is happening and if you’re going to use something up before then then you sort the top up).

Otherwise you get the ‘I was waiting on you for dinner’, ‘where are you going, what about my tea’, ‘you woke me because you got locked out’, ‘theres no milk’ ‘my hand wash only bra got hot washed’ etc.

Not done it but my GM did it with her DF. She resented it as her and my GF couldn’t just go out for dinner for example whenever they wanted it they were already out, as had to get back for my GGF. They never felt they had their own space. And he was a lovely man!!

Thank you for all your responses, a lot of the advice I have already been through (POA financial and medical- separate living rooms and discussions on finance, bills, shopping etc)
My DH and I work at different times( me in the morning/day, him in the afternoon/ evening so we will overlap on her care. She is currently able to do a lot for herself but struggles with stairs ( we will have a stairlift installed when she needs it)
I'm already her main carer but am running two households which has its own issues.
I do appreciate everyone's responses so thank you for them

I haven't done it , but I can see that you will all need clear, firm and explicit boundaries.
It will be difficult for you as it is her house and she is used to doing things in it her way, but you are used to running your own household and doing things your way. I'd say don't make any assumptions, and keep talking. Even things like what time will you have dinner, is that flexible, do you meal plan or take things as they come? Spell out privacy rules, spell out who uses which bathroom and when, clarify when you will or won't be available. What happens if any of you have visitors, if you want a weekend away, don't feel like cooking dinner?
Consider if you need quiet time before or after work ( I do, I can't bear anyone asking me questions in the half hour before I go to work).
If you all want to make it work, you will, but agree that you will keep the conversation flowing. Consider ways of updating people in the household, eg a WhatsApp group, shopping list and chores on Google Keep, communal diary system ( a paper one in the kitchen and an online one). Decide who will pay for what.
Make it clear to your brother that he will still need to have input, and decide what that will be and when ( eg he will come and stay for 3 separate weeks and 4 weekends a year while you and DH go away, and Mum will go to stay with him for another 3 weeks).
Be clear that you are intending to continue working fulltime, and so if Mum becomes more fragile you will need carers coming in, and that will not be paid out of your pocket. You may need to be very tough about that, and it might even be better boundary wise if you were to work outside the house at least some of the time.
Good luck!

I know of a case that is quite similar to this and they all seem fine. In this case the house is huge, which I guess helps, and they do have some outside help, at least a cleaner a few mornings a week that I know of.

Me, my mum and dad did this in the 2000's. Mum was a nurse which helped. And from my teens onwards I spent school and college holidays picking up most of the load (body washes/bathing, cooking/feeding etc) to give my mum a break. Later once I moved out I would spend Sundays back at home caring for my nan. Even sat with her in hospital as she died and it was nice to have that connection.

I don't resent it in terms of the care I gave my Nan, so would consider it a sucess story in the terms you are looking for - but am very distant from my own parents now as I feel they exploited my labour for their financial gain (they ended up with enough money for a lovely house) - so maybe just watch out for the impact on your relationship with DD.

Unfortunately I think there is a good reason there are few success stories. You say your parent is demanding, and that is likely to increase as she becomes more frail/immobile/develops cognitive issues. She could live for many years with increasing care needs. As others have said, social services will not be interested in helping as you are on the premises and will be expected to be the carer.

On a practical note, as you have POA you can claim attendance allowance on her behalf, if you haven’t already done so.

No one ever volunteers to go into a care home, but sometimes it is the best answer, so don’t discount that option if it becomes necessary.

I wish you good luck.

Thank you, I will bear this in mind

I wouldn’t want to go in to a care

but my god I wouldn’t hesitate if the alternative meant my already very overloaded daughter became my full time carer

@darksideofthemooncup as an ex HCP who has worked with a lot of carers and families over the years, this is the worry. Personalities involved do make a huge difference as even the most loving of parent - child relationships can be put under strain by caring. You haven’t mentioned how your husband feels or how his relationship is with his mil? Other people have already said most of what I would say but I would underline

1. Have an exit strategy- there is likely a time where your wishes and your mums directly oppose each other eg. Hospital admission / significant change in mobility, where your mum wants to return home but you feel unable to provide the care needed. Remember NHS and social work staff might presume you will continue to provide care in all circumstances !!!

2. Make sure your husband and daughter know that they can say when the situation becomes too much for them . It is not worth compromising your marriage or your daughters wellbeing ,(or your own health )if things become difficult.

1. Do you know your mums wishes around end of life and life extending treatments eg.if she has a severe stroke, develops dementia , becomes bed bound etc. You may have to make very difficult decisions and put you and your families needs above your mums…which can be difficult when you live in her home.

…of course, children have cared for their elderly relatives for millennia so it’s nothing new and it can work and I am always in awe of those who do it (& often do it well) but modern life sometimes is at odds with this sort of caring role …. I presume you must be at least in your 50’s so do take care of yourself.

My DH and I work at different times( me in the morning/day, him in the afternoon/ evening so we will overlap on her care. She is currently able to do a lot for herself

…….but one day she won’t be able to wipe her bottom. Putting it crudely, is your husband going to do this? This is where external (ie paid for) carers are necessary.

I think reframe it as you are able to save and leave it at that.
I was already at home when my father got very sick, it was a short period though (3 weeks). It was very hard as he needed 24/7 care. DM and took shifts, I can’t remember too much about it as there was shock, grief, comings and goings. I’m glad I was there for his last days.

My aunt briefly moved in with DM when she had dementia (I was there too). My aunt would sleep on the day and move around at night, she fell and went to hospital in the end.

Your mum may not be able to stay at home depending what happens health wise, you need to prepare for that too.

Who's going to do all the caring when you go on holiday? Is your brother moving in or external carers... I really hope you're not expecting your DD to do anything?

I'd read all the above very carefully, I'd imagine there's good reason why there are so few success stories especially with an 'opinionated and demanding' parent in the mix. Over my dead body....

Eh, I wouldn’t do it in a million years

We had an elderly relative move in with us, she got dementia and the level of care really ripped our family apart - and that was back in the days that she could eventually go into a really good dementia care unit attached to a hospital. It was too late really but you probably wouldn’t get that these days

I think in your position I would save every penny of the money you have saved in rent - watching that will really help you see the point of doing this.

I'd get the stair lift installed now - paid for by her if she can - so that it's easier for her and less demanding on you right from the start.

Tell your brother he has to pull his weight. It's not on that you and your family have to do everything.

Is there space for two living rooms? You will definitely need some time apart.

It's the fact she's so opinionated that's the problem, I think. Could you tell her in no uncertain terms before moving in that it's not going to work if she isn't pleasant?

I wouldn’t in a million years move in with a demanding elderly mum . Recipe for misery .