Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

[darksideofthemooncup]

We ( me, DH and DD 17) have made the decision to move in with DM. She is 82, mentally very switched on but getting frailer with various physical health issues. Her house is big enough for us all but it will still be an adjustment and she can be very opinionated and demanding.

Please tell me some success stories, DH and I both work full time and DD is at college full time, and I know the majority of her care will fall on me.
Financially this will be beneficial to us as we are currently renting, but we won't be able to stay in the house forever as she has taken equity release on the property and I have a DB who will be expecting half of what's left whenever anything happens to DM.
I'm just a bit scared that this is going to all go horribly wrong!

Good grief op

Extensive home care? I mean surely that’s the first step before moving entire family in to her home and you becoming her carer

Oh it will also help you save. Ok so a quid pro quo. Makes more sense now!!

Why has she taken equity release on the property?

Various reasons, but this really isn't the issue. I just want to hear that it has worked for other people, the elderly board is full of horror stories!

You’re a braver woman than me 🥴
”opinionated and demanding” would soon change from being a quirk to a really divisive issue when you’re all living together.
Not a chance I could do this - good luck 😬

You can save money to get a home?

Be careful 'opinionated and demanding' would mean a no thank from me to move in taking on care duties.

That's what I'm afraid of - it's decided now so no going back!

Don't do it. We moved MIL in but we have a great relationship, we get on well and put a lot of boundaries in place from both sides. She needs a little bit of help with care needs but nothing substantial and it has been agreed that carers will be used when needed so she can keep her dignity and we wont feel pressured to help. I assume you are mainly moving in for financial reasons but I don't think it's going to work, you'll resent her pretty quickly l.

I would use this time, which might be quite short to save as much as possible with the intention to move out when the caring situation becomes untenable. The cost of these savings will be your own time and wellbeing so I think you will need to take stock every month or so to really consider how you are coping with everything.

You will need to be aware that your very presence in the house will mean you will end up caring for DM more then before, it will be easier for you to request your help. Watch out for this.

One other thing to note. Have you seen the equity release details? You need to be very careful with these that they don't simply drain your DM entire estate. The main concern is that there will be nothing left at the point that a care home is needed, limiting your options.

Are there no other options e.g. downsizing?

Bloody awful for your teen daughter op

How will you manage her care when you both work full time?

Well it kind of is actually

she could have used that for home care

Good Luck

Probably not enough to buy anywhere, she is deathly afraid of going into a care home, so that's not an option.

Just be aware that once you have moved in, it will be incredibly difficult to get external support. You will be expected to oversee all her personal care, all her appointments, make sure she is eating properly, etc. That’s why I asked about the full time work - the only people I know who have made a success of this sort of move have done so because they gave up their own lives for it, including their work.

@Notsolongthistime thanks for your input, however, the equity release has been done and cannot be undone, my DD has a really good relationship with her GM - honestly, do you think we haven't considered all your points? Asking for success stories, not a kicking regarding our decision

Are you doing it to save your self money, to provide care for your DM or a mixture of both?

I suppose it is a “you scratch my back I will scratch your back” scenario op

so if moving in with a domineering and opinionated woman who requires extensive care is going to help your family buy a house…. Then every time you feel like imploding, check you bank balance!

OMG op. Don’t do it. It’s not too late. ‘Demanding and opinionated’? That’s slang for ‘making your life a fucking misery’. Do. Not. Do. This.

I hope your marriage is very strong op

Of course it's an option.
Don't let her take control over your time and life. I hope it'll be worth the trouble for you.

No we aren't mainly moving for financial reasons, albeit being one of the positives. Just to clarify, this isn't a decision we have taken lightly, but it's the one that makes the most sense for us all when weighing up the positives and negatives. I just would like some constructive advice on how to navigate it

The reality is she might live another 20 years.

What if your daughter leaves home earlier than she might have because of the dynamics, will you resent your mum?

What if something happens to you? Your husband isn’t going to take over the care.

The 50% your brother is expecting - will you resent that because you will be doing caring stuff with an ‘opinionated and demanding’ parent while he has been enjoying his life and retirement?

Will you and your husband get any alone time?

Will you have separate living spaces? Or will your mum be there every evening while you try to Netflix and chill?!

What did she spend the money on? Will she take another chunk out?

Will you do personal care or will you be getting carers in anyway for that?

Fuck me you’re brave.

Not done it.

I would suggest 2 sitting rooms.
A clear discussion of boundaries and expectations.

I moved in with my mother due to her health. She has dementia and mobility issues. But different to you, I still have my own flat which I let out, and will move back to when necessary. On the whole, it's worked out fine. We do have difference of opinions but we respect that will happen and try and compromise. We can get frustrated with each other sometimes but don't hold grudges or sulk. We talk. You will all need access to personal escape space. However hard though, I'm glad I've done it and we've been able to have this relationship. We've laughed a lot.