Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

[darksideofthemooncup]

We ( me, DH and DD 17) have made the decision to move in with DM. She is 82, mentally very switched on but getting frailer with various physical health issues. Her house is big enough for us all but it will still be an adjustment and she can be very opinionated and demanding.

Please tell me some success stories, DH and I both work full time and DD is at college full time, and I know the majority of her care will fall on me.
Financially this will be beneficial to us as we are currently renting, but we won't be able to stay in the house forever as she has taken equity release on the property and I have a DB who will be expecting half of what's left whenever anything happens to DM.
I'm just a bit scared that this is going to all go horribly wrong!

Opinionated people don't suddenly become pleasant just because you ask them to. This sounds very, very difficult, and does seem very unfair on your DD.

Don’t do it is my sincere advice.

Your DH will be happy to wipe your Mums bum for her ?
How does she feel about that?

I have done this with DF following a fall in January 2024. I took some unpaid leave and stayed with him whilst he got over the shock and then brought him to stay with me. We do have separate houses; mine was a farmhouse and his was an adjoining barn, so at least there is a bit of separation from one another. However, I do all shopping, cooking and laundry and have pretty much taken on all life admin as he is now 90 and really struggles with anything computer-based. I work 3 days per week. DH works full-time, often from home but has to be away a couple of days per month. Our DDs are now adults and live away from home.

Most of the time it's ok, if a bit tying. DF gets his own breakfast and lunch, unless I am making soup for lunch, which he loves. He is always appreciative of everything and quite generous too.

The issue I have is my awful sister who on the one hand resents me doing all this because it makes her look less than perfect, but on the other hand thinks she can complain about every decision I take. She lives abroad and DF is adamant that he does not want to visit her there again. If I want a break, she is normally ok about coming over to look after him but it has to be in his flat, rather than here because I cannot cope with the idea of her or her tosser of a husband being where I have to live and work. I have told her that as long as it fits round my job, I will drive him back there and collect him.

Our situation was somewhat forced on us, but we did have a long taste of it during Covid when DF stayed for several months. My DDs are very close to DF, especially DD2 who became his de facto driver. I think you have to set ground rules as to whose responsibility things are, and also if you haven't got one, get sorted with LPAs sooner rather than later. Make sure your brother knows exactly what the situation is; otherwise if he's like my idiot sister, he may make things up to fill in the gaps. For the most part, it's a privilege to spend this time with him - I don't always feel quite so benevolent!

Yes, save and save at least for first six months or at least until you know which way it is headed.
I’d assume it is for short term so I wouldn’t spend anything on decoration or furniture that is specific to DM’s house.
i woukd also encourage DM to be as independent as possible.
i would also encourage to cook for herself at least a couple of days a week.
Were you the instigator?
What does your DB say?

You’re brave or foolish
my DMIL moved in with her mother and moved out after 3 years of utter hell and total controlling bad behaviour from her “Dm” it vary rarely works out
think hard is my advice to you

God difficult. They dont suddenly become nicer. I think 2 sitting rooms good. Do you get any break op. I just feel these things drag on for years op have you siblings to help out.

I think like pp above said - think how you will enforce letting your mum do what she can. It will be easy to just slip into doing something and then carry on

have you got separate living areas? That really helped when my stepson moved in with his nan

and yes you can still have adult social services in to do personal care - it doesn’t have to fall on you - but yes you will end up doing the immediate and urgent stuff

I would agree some strong boundaries with your DB rather than your DM. If he's to benefit from half of what's left, then he helps. No excuses, even if it means he pays someone else to do it. You will end up carrying 100% of the mental load otherwise especially clearing the house afterwards.

I lost my Dad a short while ago and I wish now that I'd moved him in with us for the last 12 months as I spent most of that year in my car driving back and forwards to his house. Make the most of this time with her especially while she's still well.

What kind of care does she need that your husband can provide?

This could turn into 24/7 split between you and your husband. Are you both willing to do that?

I moved my mum in with me in October 24. She has a separate living area but there is no escape and I feel 16 years old again answering to her. She thinks I’m her carer and I now have the additional worry of her. If I could turn back the clock I wouldn’t do it again . To sum it up I feel my life has become smaller at a time when I should be enjoying my early 60s. Kids are grown and gone and my husband had a heart scare last year. I feel something may happen to him and I will never have been afforded the time to spend with him. Think carefully but honestly look at other options

Your DM is unlikely to stick to the separate sitting room idea. She will want to be involved in your lives and will want to voice her opinions on everything from the way you do your laundry to the time your DD gets up in the morning. This will inevitably impact your marriage. I know, I've been there. What will happen when the house is sold? Will you have realistically saved enough to buy a property? If you will be returning to the rental market then it's hard to see what benefit you'll actually get from this arrangement apart from a potential divorce and a lot of drudgery in between.

As her needs increase it will become harder and harder. My husband was getting up 3 times in the night to check on his mum (visiting loo and scared of her falling). It became unmanageable as we could not go out together so regrettably she went in a home - which was a disaster due to covid.

There’s a reason the board is full of horror stories, not success stories. Mine are next door and that’s too close by half. Always, always, always put your DD first OP. Good luck (if it actually is too late to not do it).

We were in a different situation as we pooled resources with my parents and bought a house where we could live together. In the early days we were the beneficiaries of childcare provided by my mum as our children were young. After my dad died we had many years during which mum lived an independent life alongside us. However, as she became more frail, we took on more caring responsibilities, ultimately being her full time carers for her final six months. I don’t regret it but I am aware that we had a fairly easy time of it because Mum remained in quite good health until those last six months, at which point she declined fairly rapidly. So that period of full time caring was relatively short.

Having said that, it was probably the years running up to that final demise that were harder to navigate- we reached a point when we couldn’t reliably leave her at home alone for any length of time, so family holidays were a no go (this coincided with COVID so made little difference to us). We tried to go away for a weekend, and my brother came to look after mum - DB had no clue how to care for her and we ended up coming home early.

I’d strongly recommend looking at attendance allowance - by the time we got it, Mum was due the top level. You’ll inevitably quickly get drawn into managing financial decisions and medical appointments, and it’s quite surprising how those little things mount up.

I don’t envy you trying to make this work in your Mum’s house - where she is presumably used to having all the space to herself. We found it enormously helpful to each have our own living space. If you can create that within the house I would strongly recommend it.

As Mum deteriorated, we had to keep tweaking the arrangements that we had in place - it’s like raising a child in reverse with new ‘milestones’ such as no longer using the stairs or needing help with personal care. You need to be prepared to adapt and your Mum needs to adapt too. Will your DH get involved in her care? My DH was used to caring as he had a disabled sibling and so he was very actively involved in caring for Mum, but still a lot fell to me. I struggle to imagine how I’d have coped without DH’s support so I hope you have the same.

I will say that I found it rewarding and I am glad we were able to care for Mum at home up until her death. Thankfully her deterioration was mostly physical and she remained mentally healthy barring a few senile moments. If she had lost mental capacity it would have been much more difficult.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

@darksideofthemooncup if you are going to do this, you need to agree amongst you all under what circumstances DM will go into a care home or get formal support in the home. Very few people get to age the way they would choose to, and falls, dementia and more can lead to some incredibly high needs, high demand care requirements that are psychologically draining and physically exhausting. Just because a person wouldn't choose a care or nursing home doesn't mean they could end up there. You only need to read things like the Alzheimer's Society Dementia Forum to see how many people end up struggling or with a loved one sectioned to see how challenging the set up you are proposing is. Do some research, prepare for the worst and then go in to the situation knowing your response to a crisis.

I also echo other posters. You need to see the equity release terms. If your DM needs care the pace at which property is sold will not necessarily be set by you. It is a minefield.

All the daughters I know who have gone down this road have ended up on antidepressants. Your mum would really let you do this indefinitely?!
Its not a sacrifice I would want my adult DC to make when they have jobs and their own families and lives to live and which should take priority.

I agree demons. Of course each family different. Mine is 83. Im def not being run ragged either by her. She good for her age. My friend is beyond stressed by her mother 80s. Sigh.

I think the problem (as well as demanding personalities) is that the timing is unknown and unpredictable. If a parent only needed care for a short timeframe, then it would be doable. But you cannot rely on that. My mother needed care for nearly 10 years, and in the last three years she was immobile, incontinent and unable to feed herself. Ten years ago I would not have believed she would live that long. You cannot predict care needs and if you expect to be able to cope yourself, unfortunately events may prove you wrong.

I grew up in one half of a semi detached with my granny in the other half. So, completely separate living arrangements. That worked pretty well I think, partly because my granny required zero 'care' as such although definitely benefited from company, lifts and support if in hospital (only once in 20 years that I recall). It also worked because both my mum and my granny were very quiet and introverted women with immense respect for each other's lives and boundaries. My mum said that her MIL was her best friend. We all have good memories of time with my granny though she was quite formal so it was defined chunks of time and going away again afterwards.

One major issue was my dad's tendency to slip away 'to sit with mum' leaving my mum to tackle everything domestically (both allegedly working fulltime, though my dad's working history was pretty chequered). Keep lines of communication between you and your dp open.

Don’t forget it ….

Dad's moved into our house. Although it's just me and DH.

Use it as an opportunity to save OP. I can see that being important for your future.

In the meantime, it's hard but rewarding. I feel privileged to be in a position that I can do this. However, whilst you cannot plan for where things will take you, assume that things won't be easy and may change on a pin head and she need care in a home because you cannot cope. But, to be fair, if you are in private rental then you could be given notice I assume at any point. So it's not much different.

I am currently contemplating this. Mum 88 and increasingly frail/falling. I am in the medical industry, 51 single and no children - Already do the majority of caring for her with some help from Brothers and sister.
She needs more help, i can save a LOT of money by moving in with her and being her full time carer (I currently rent alone). I cant bear the thought of her going into a home as I know she would hate that. I think although hard, it will be something I will look back on when she's gone and feel like I did the right thing.....

Difficult and demanding...??

Not a chance. I think the only success stories are either where the person has no real care needs or they're very affable, easy people.

My dad enjoys being awkward he boasts of it... Now I'm living it..... It's utter hell.

No easy exit plan...

There was no intention to become a full time carer... I just spent increasing times as dad had a fall/needed medical appts /couldn't work the phone....

I was at 2.5 hour distance... I just stayed over more and more away from my partner ... I didn't 'formally' live here until the 6 month mark...when he was diagnosed with an agressive terminal cancer, my health could cope no longer with the travelling... No social care to speak of... Managing indifferent carers a nightmare.... So i moved in for last few months...

This was 18 months ago... Dad is still in rude health... My health is shot.

Good luck OP

Agreed.

Although make sure your plans take into account that one day she may need to go into a home - just so you have an exit route if needed.

My Dad, as another PP has mentioned, is a pretty easy man.

We use one month's respite at a care home annually to give us a break.

When it's at its most difficult (I'm tired, middle of the night and have urine or faeces to clear up as well as Dad to put in the shower) it's times like this that I.know I'm on the edge of coping and one day, if it gets more common, I may well need to accept I cannot help anymore.

But I will have done my best. And I must be satisfied knowing that.