Does everyone fall to bits in old age?

[Supersimkin7]

DP have both lost their minds, fall over and are doubly incontinent. They’ve had care at home for seven years and a zillion crises before that.

We’re trying to keep them out of an institution, mainly because they could be in there for another decade or more.

Neither has a single ailment that will end their lives.

How do most people go? Is it always as awful as this?

In my experience, a few fall, break bones, and die a few months later. Not sure what of - pneumonia perhaps if they can't move around? Shock?

Also Ive known of deaths from cancer, heart attack, kidney disease, dementia and stroke.

No idea what the stats for these are but I think that covers all the elderly deaths I've known.

Gosh, that sounds really tough, how old are they?
Just to add DF died just sitting in his chair and had a bit of heartburn (this was after having spent the morning with his best friend). He was 83yrs, a friend's MIL also just died in her sleep having no previous ailments at all, no falls etc, she was 88yrs so not all decline from illness, just frailty i suppose.

It seems to vary a lot OP. I’m sorry to hear of your parents’ struggles. I am also wondering how old they are.

My mother is 87 and though she has definitely got more frail the last few years is fairly OK. She sleeps a good bit and has become housebound recently because she can’t do stairs now but has no other pain or illness symptoms, despite diabetes and some mild arthritis. She is occasionally forgetful but her mind remains sharp in most ways. My father died suddenly of a heart attack aged 63 (he was a heavy smoker).

I am in my early 60s and seem to be struggling with various minor ailments, including eg arthritis and painful arms (ligament ageing) which are beginning to affect me. Plus some other unpleasant “minor” issues and investigations over the last few years that have affected my daily quality of life. So, on one level, I am in fact starting to feel myself “fall apart”. I am needing to start exercise to control some of this, but it’s hard to maintain the habit.

It seems as if currently the human body tends to wear out by the mid-to-late 80s.
I wonder if (with a lifestyle optimized for health and longevity) that could be pushed another decade?

I don't know the stats unfortunately. I work with older adults and a remarkable number of people in their late 80s, 90s and even 100+ seem to do pretty well in that they live independently or with the kind of help that involves someone getting their shopping for them. Being a regular on this board i don't just take their word for it that they are managing independently. An awful lot do make sure that they simplify their lives as much as possible.

If one has dementia and one doesn't, that can go OK for a long time except that the one who doesn't is much more likely to keel over with a stroke or heart attack imo. But again I don't know the stats.

You are in a different situation altogether and it sounds really on the extreme end, if that's any help. But all too familiar on this board.

That sounds difficult; I'm sorry.

My mother died from a stroke at age 88, but did well up until that point. Some mobility issues but no dementia, incontinence, etc. She came from a large family of "super agers". They all lived into their late 80's and 90's in remarkably good health. They were all very, very active throughout their lives, so perhaps a combination of good genes and lifestyle?

No they don't all go that way. Lost all of my grandparents through illness & they were fit as a fiddle up until that point with no care needed. A couple of them were in their 70's though. How old are your parents?

As has been said, obviously some people are lucky enough to be pretty well, and independent and then die without ever needing care. I remember reading on here a while back only something like 10% of people ever need to go into care homes.

But, statistically, yes, the older we get, the more likely it is that more things will start going wrong. Our bodies aren't really designed to keep going to the same extent once we get to a great age.

Sorry you are having to deal with what sounds like a lot of care needs for not one, but two parents.

That sounds so hard, and no I’ve never heard of that before. I’ve experienced a lot of older people death and it’s usually relatively quick. Up until then they have been getting by okay

Honestly, yes. I used to work in a care home and doing home visits. A lot of older people are medicated past their natural expiry in truth, and existing rather than living - but I won't get on my soapbox about prescribing for elderly people. My own Dad was living independently at 83, still fully capable and was sadly felled in 4 months by the bastard that is cancer. I'm still mourning his loss but as time has gone on, I'm also strangely grateful that he was spared a long slow decline because he would have hated that.

After seeing my nan and my mum and dad not being even to get out of the chair even at 80 I joined the gym and changed my eating habits

Nothing shows u ur future better than seeing it first hand. I concentrate on functional movement , mobility and working my arms and legs to get them strong.

I don’t want to be like them. But they were and are fairly bad at eating junk food and not moving at all. A massive wake up call.

How old?

my grandparents varied
GD1 died at 87 was fairly healthy could still walk to church and potter in the garden died pneumonia
GD2 died at 85 cycled to town the day he died still fairly active dropped dead heart attack. was on no medication at all although that was personal choice
neither of the above ever fell

GM1 died at 89 fell over 2-3 times still continent
GM2 died at 98 was good really until hit 95 (Covid) sight and hearing went - fell over 2-3 times. Walked using a walker at the end. Had bowel cancer at 66 so had a stoma due to that

none lost their minds at all

It's all a bit of a lottery it seems.

There was a 90 year old woman on a repeat episode of 24 Hours of A&E who had fallen and didn't usually fall at all. Lived alone, very independent and spritely, full marbles and going to art galleries. She was quite slim. Although bit of atrial fibrillation got picked up.

Then there's my mum, 89 this year but pretty immobile through arthritis. Poor hearing, diabetes but not bad cognitively. Falls frequently. ☹️

Oh and dh grandmother, fell in the night and lay on kitchen floor for some hours, unmarried daughter (isn't it nearly always?) looking after her didn't hear her cries and then couldn't lift her. Paramedics come, take her to hospital, she's developed pneumonia, antibiotics not working, dies in hospital within a week. Early to mid 80s.

Think a fall and being on the floor for a few hours in elderly and then developing pneumonia is very common.

It’s a lottery for the family with the stakes every bit as high.

Caring for a disabled frail
adult is a lot harder work than looking after a baby, and it lasts longer. No social
perks like mothers groups, playgrounds, child benefit or subsidised housing either.

Don’t mention the expense - DP have spent the grandkids’ university fees x3. The grandchildren have £0.00 to start life with. Both the DC have had to lose paid work to take time out to unfuck their parents.

It’s so sad, the wreckage.

Thankfully it's not like this for everyone. My DF was in pretty good health until he dropped down dead suddenly at 86.
DM, who'd had a lifetime of poor health managed on her own for another 2 years with increasing care at home visits until she died at 87.
DFIL went downhill over 2 years but stayed at home with 2 care visits a day and MIL caring for him the rest of the time. He had a fairly good quality of life up until about 2 months before he died at 93. MiL is still going strong in her own home at 97.
DH and I are hoping their longevity and reasonable health is genetic.

@Supersimkin7 they haven’t I assume spent the grandchildren’s money they have spent theirs unless you genuinely have been giving them money

and surely they can get outside help

Of My grandparents 3 out of 4 managed independently at home well into their late 80s/early 90s.

2 of the three only demented in the last year before death.

The fourth died in bed aged 66 of a massive heart attack. He had only been retired for a year.

Is there a reason you have ruled out a care home?

I'm late 30s and feel like I'm falling to bits 🤣

My GPs died aged 89 and 85. GF was still driving until a couple of months before his death. Had a few scares but nothing serious. Then one day had a massive stroke, almost died in his bed but got to hospital who stabilised him. Clung on another 2 weeks in the hospital but the writing was on the wall as soon as he couldn't keep any food down.

GM had a fall a few months before passing, broke a hip, went into surgery, took a little bounce back but then died peacefully at home. She had full on dementia for about the last 5 years of her life but could still tell me my name and sing her favourite songs.

Both of them I was shocked just how many pills they took a day. Even although they were relatively fit and active up until the last few months of their life.

My Mum died at 92 and a half. She was in a care home for the last year of her life. She had some early signs of dementia but was mostly with it, not incontinent, but too immobile to manage at home. If she'd lived with someone who cared for her, she would probably have been able to stay at home. She died unexpectedly of a heart attack. A bit of a shock for us, but better than lingering and going on and on for years.

Just today I've seen a friend's FB post for her Mum's birthday. Her Mum is 101 and still living independently at home!

Old age is as varied as all the other ages in our lives.

Quite possibly. I can think of three people I know of living independently and in good health in their 90s, and quite a few having perfectly normal lives in their 80s.
But there's a lot of variation, and not all of it can be put down to too many fags/pies/beers/hours on the sofa.
Genes eh.

It always amazes me how some people can plough on for decades with serious health conditions yet some stay healthy all their lives and then sudden deterioration. From what I’ve noticed most people do succumb to bad habits but some don’t and it’s weird. Genes have a big say in it

I think it really depends on the person, their lifestyle, genetics and so on. I know elderly people who have fallen to bits and I know others who are still fit and active into their 90s. The woman who is head of the volunteer crew who does the cleaning at our local church fell and broke her hip in her 80's nobody thought she would be back but she was, she got better and is still cleaning and organising everyone at 92. Most people I know in their 70's are doing pretty well.

I guess in the end though we all will fall to bits and eventually die if we aren't taken out somewhat suddenly by a major medical event when we are still fairly young and fit. Look at Gene Hackman, there were photos of him buying bikes and cycling around the local area on his own just a few years ago and yet by this year he was obviously in a very poor state of health and not really able to care for himself, in fact his family had said his wife had been responsible for extending his life as he'd had severe heart disease for decades. However In the end the body wears out, which genetics and lifestyle with have an impact on.