difficult, irrational, judgemental and demanding DM vs me trying sort out my life

[pivonya]

I recently got divorced and got caught up in a difficult new relationship. Then I had health problems, job loss so a lot on my plate atm. My DM has always been manipulative and as I child I was constantly adhereing to her moods and never really able to be myself. I am in therapy finally which really helps me. I am 46 my DM is 86. We live very far away from each other. I moved out at 21 for a reason. When I go to visit which is usually twice a year she bosses me around, is confrontational, conceited about everything and difficult to communicate. Of course we have lovely moments but I am mainly managing difficult situations. Anything I say is wrong but if a stranger told her the same thing it would be the best idea ever. I still at 46 need to mould to her daily moods and basically agree to everything for the peace. However when I speak to her over the phone she is completely incapable to do anything, moans all the time and complaints how everyone has a helpful son in law, grandchildren (dig I am divorced and childless) to help at little things. She has expressed her wish for me to be nearby as to buy a property where she is and be available. I can not do it and do not want to do it. I just retrained and started new career 6 months ago, I am divorced trying to find love and repair my financial situation. To do what she wants me to do I would have to be unemployed (I can not do my job where she is) and I would have to completely change my life which is not something I want to do after traumatic divorce. I know that if I was anywhere near there she would be on my case daily. She is at the stage where she and her problem are the most important. Nothing else matters. When she does not get her way she can have a tantrum. I have witnessed her tantrums and it shocked me. It included her laying on the floor with tight fists hitting the floor in anger because she is being challenged by a question or there is a request made towards her. Her recent trantrum is that she can not cope with a neighbour having 4am shower so she will sell up and move. This is a person who is not computer literate, doesnt have a smart phone but feels confident selling and buying a property (something she has never done) I know this is all attention seeking behaviour and I really do not want to bend backwards because I had a life of this behaviour and I have enough of my own problems. The selling of the property is out of question as she will only lose money, she has no guarantee what neighbours will she have in the new place, she doesnt even know the property market but has an attitude towards me and even suggest things like I should put my savings into something for her if it would not be enough. She expects I drop everything and come over to sort out her life and move. (this means me not working) I know for a fact she would not survive a move , she tells me how this current situation will kill her and is really over dramatic. She has amazing neighbours where she is now yet is able to moan about literally everyone there. Completely irrational. I know it is my mother but she has been difficult all her life yet she doesnt see it. She has a sister with whom she has not spoken for over 25 years, sister tried to reach out, nobody remebers what the amp is about. I have cousins whom I am not allowed (at 46!) to be in touch with because DM will see it as a betrayal ( no idea why, I like my cousins but keeping distance for peace). She could have a network but with her behaviour managed to isolate people over the years (doesnt see it). She has some new friends she made in the last decade but I can sense that is fading as well. She doesnt recognise her circumstances as living on her own elderly and that in life you can either be right all the time or have peace. At any cost she needs to be right therefore she isolates herself. If she was a bit softer and picked her battles people would be more incline to stick around incl me. My question here is how do you manage sutuations like this. Almost asking for a manual with what to say to her to divert the attention onto something else.

You just stop OP. You focus on emotionally disengaging so she doesn't bother you. You grey rock her and you put boundaries in place.

For example, she starts criticising you and you're suddenly busy and need to go. If you want to visit, don't stay with her and leave if she has a tantrum.

With the neighbour situation just say "I'm sorry to hear that." and change the subject. If she talks about you moving there just say, "That's not possible." If she insists say, "Like I've said it's not possible." And say you have to go.

You learn to manage her OP. You're not a child, you live a long way away and she can't harm you.

how do you manage situations like this

By not playing.

Live your life, not hers.

If you want to see.you cousins, see.your cousins. If you have no reason to move, don't move. If she wants to move, leave her to it - she will manage to organise it or she won't; not your business either way.

You don't have to tell her what you are doing. You don't have to listen to her advice or complaints. You don't have to follow her demands.

You're 46. You're an adult with your own mind and own life. Get on with living it.

Maybe set boundaries - only be available at certain times. Put yourself first.

My mother is similar, I’ve gone nc. Being the last man standing does not obligate me to stay and take it. You have a choice OP- engage and tolerate it, or say no and step down.

It is uncomfortable for a while, and extended family will choose a side, but what’s your price/limit/goal?

I agree with the first 2 responses. Stop engaging. Also the 3rd response. Set boundaries.

My mother-in-law is like this. In fact, my husband could have written this about my mother-in-law.

I the realisation that nothing I do will ever be enough. The goal posts always move. And she too has physical tantrums when she feels things do not go her way. She has zero regard for anyone else or their feelings. Given the option she'd have my husband leave me and our 2 young children to be at her beck and call. Her parents were in nursing homes but she expects my husband's existence to revolve around her.

It took a particularly stressful visit (2-3 hr drive each way assuming minimal traffic) and my husband having a cardiac arrest a few hrs after he arrived back home for the penny to drop for my husband. I say this to you to highlight that you shouldn't work yourself into the ground. Yes she is your mum but you don't owe her your life in the form of sacrificing your health and wellbeing.

Agree with everyone else

It's time to accept she makes it impossible for you to do anything right, so stop trying

Don't engage - grey rock or try:

Moving? That won't be happening Mum
Money? It's all tied up in savings and pension for the future Mum
We've spoken about this before, I'm not repeating myself
That is my personal business
That subject is not up for discussion
Mum, I said no

This is your life

And see your cousins!

Another one adding to the previous great advice. Can’t change her , can only change how you tolerate or don’t tolerate. Her actions have consequences, you walk out if there is poor behaviour and you train yourself to say when she has a problem oh dear that sounds rough, you do not try and solve it or sacrifice yourself.

you are not a child, she cannot do anything, you have all the power.

Reach out to your cousins and start seeing them again. You don't need to tell her, and it doesn't sound like she'll find out. It will be good for you to have family relationships that are enjoyable and supportive.

Keep up with the therapy and don’t let her take over your mind and well-being.
You don’t have to keep her happy - live your own life and stop worrying about what others will think of you. Whatever you do for her would never be enough!

Do not ever give up your job. Pull back a lot - for example she does not need to know if or when you ever see your cousins. Don’t tell her, and refuse to discuss.
Please don’t worry about what anyone else might think or say, from your post I’m sure other people know full well what she is really like.
Wishing you well for the future, your life seems really hard with the way she treats you and I do hope it improves. But while she is still here I’m afraid it’s down to you to make the necessary changes.

Nightmare op have it too. All you can do is have good boundaries. Today I couldnt do something and big snot on as I said no..... they get so selfish too. We have this most weeks so it never improves. 83

She sounds exhausting to be around and you have enough on your plate.
Just Drop. The. Rope.
Grey rock
See your cousins if you want to - just don't tell her! If she has a strop let her get on with it. You're giving her too much mindspace!

You may find this website helpful: https://www.outofthefog.net/

Sell the house, put her into assisted living for the elderly.

You can't sell somebody else's house. Or 'put' them anywhere, if they have capacity - and nothing in the OP suggests otherwise.

My mother at 88 is no where near as bad as yours although she can be manipulative and demanding at the same time as acting out the role of sweet old dear. There is good advice by PPs. I am fortunate that my sister and I take a similar stance and we set boundaries and don't play along. I know it is easier said than done but it can be done and it does make a difference.

In my experience, boundaries do not necessarily stop the emotional triggers, but they can be minimised drastically. NC is obviously a boundary, but there are many others that can be utilised in between.

Boundaries include what subjects you will or will not talk about. Another boundary is how often you speak. If you are speaking once a day, it is inevitable that you will feel emotionally put upon. The only way around this is to talk less.If I were you I would tell her that you do not have the energy and space to talk every day, or whatever reason you give, and speak to her once a week, and keep those conversation conversations breezy as possible.

In my experience, unfortunately, there will still be times when one is drawn in, but it can be minimised as much as possible if you create really strong boundaries. If you can find a therapist they can really help give you the support to do this.

One of the things I notice on these boards (and in my own life) is that adult daughters often fall into the role of children with these kind of dominating parents; though they may be adult women in their 40s or 50s, independent and responsible in other areas of life. In effect they behave like children with their ageing parents, being subjected to their controls, doing their bidding, effectively in a subservient position.

In fact, except for exceptional circumstances or reasons, you do not have to go along with any of your mother’s demands. Not even one of them. You don’t have to talk to her unless you want to. You don’t have to see her unless you want to.You are an adult. It is completely up to you. It’s easy to forget that fact.

Its crap. I stood up to her today. We should not have to take abuse either. Unfortunately the elderly are old and entitled and mean. I got the whole how dare you. I feel anyone giving good backup is living near parents. Im giving her wide berth for now

What is the worst that can happen if you say no? I emotionally detached from a similar situation with my mum. When she started moaning, I said I was going and left. You can do the same on the phone. Hang up. Leave her to her fantasies of you moving back or her selling her house. Be very vague. "That sounds challenging mum" or something equally bland. I wish you luck

@TuxedoPinchMe you hit the nail on the head with regard to adult daughters being infantilised. Took me to the age of 45 to snap and walk away.

Thank you all. So I called her again tonight and I knew she will moan about the neighbours again. She did. I tried to redirect topic, asked her about the weather, she jumps back onto neighbours topic and how she will talk to the owner of the flat and ask her to lay some carpet and to tell those tenants (they are foreign workers so difficult to communicate) to not shower at 4am. I think it will have exactly the opposite effect and she will have even more problems. Obviously I did not say it.
I asked her whether she spoke to any of her friends about it as that may bring some new ideas and solution. She said she spoke to one person who had a similar situation where they lived in their daughter's flat who quickly sold the flat the moment exactly the same problem occurred and bought another one in the same block so the parents did not have to put up with the noise. Part of me thought 'is this a dig at me?' - daughter sold and bought just like that. I told my DM well with mortgage in place it was just a swap, obviously Mum you will not have a mortgage so a lot more difficult. She then told me how her other friend bought cash - yes Mum I am sure she did but it was years ago and in todays market and your circumstances with prices, taxes, costs of refurbishments you will only lose money and it will leave you worse off. She got agitated and I said I need to go. She was all about dying and how this is her end in her own flat woes me. We said goodnight. Just under 5 minutes later she phones again. I pick up. I was actually going out to dinner (she did not know) and she starts berating me that I am a horrible daughter and her heart is bleeding at what I say to her, that she would give her life for me but I am an awful person and I have secrets from her and I this I that.
I am in therapy because she has been controlling me even from afar for my entrire life. I was 6 years NC with her but felt bad eventually. I am not a horrible person. Nobody other than her ever said that about me. Even my ex husband thinks I am lovely. I asked how can she say this when all I do is listen to her and empathise for past 14 days since her flooding. She hang up. She ruined my evening.
I remember I coudl never enjoy myself at a party or with a boyfriend, there was always a curfew or 'you must call me' always her control to rule my life.
Even now she manages to do that. I am 46 I am sick of it.

How do I change the frequency of those calls? It is draining. I do not look forward to it at all as all she does is moan. I am exhausted. She goes on in her fake cry how all she does worry about my situation. She doesn't see a connection beween my life being as it is as a result of controling upbringing. When I told her I decided to restart therapy she was displeased because of course she would like me to be telling everything to her not a therapist. She has that ill vision of me telling her my secrets - like Mum I only tell you what I want to tell you. I thought she will be really happy for me going to therapy, doing it for myself etc. No. She sees it as some sort of betrayal.
If tomorrow I say I want to reduce our calls she will take offence so I need to do it via a white lie.
Any ideas?

Her behaviour sucks the energy out of me. It is really the last 12 months that changed her dramatically.

OP you need to take on board the advice you've been given.

You go grey rock. That means you stop telling her about your life. Why did you tell her about therapy?

It's up to you if you take her calls. Let her calls go straight through to voicemail if you don't want to talk to her.

Why are you arguing with her? If she wants to play silly buggers with the neighbours, let her.

Don't engage. Take control.

Yes I think women feel much more emotionally “blackmailed” into doing stuff for family sometimes when we actually don’t want to or even need to.

You choose to call her.

You choose to take part in her obsessive conversations.

You choose to answer when she calls you.

You can make different choices.

You don't need a white lie. You don't need her agreement (you won't get it). You just need to do it.

So I called her again tonight and I knew she will moan about the neighbours again. She did. I tried to redirect topic, asked her about the weather, she jumps back onto neighbours topic

she is not going to change, she doesn’t need to because you put up with it. There is zero judgement in that from me, you have been conditioned or programmed or whatever the word is to indulge this nonsense. I’ve been in your shoes, a lot of us have, you pick the phone up because you ‘should’ because that’s what a Good Daughter does. One day you may resist. There may be a straw that breaks the camel’s back, or a deliberate effort from you to stop. Being a Bad Daughter brings peace, calm, something like happiness. Oh and call your bloody cousins.