My father is becoming more financially mean by the day.

[Pancakeparlour]

He is actually mean in many other ways but he is becoming so miserly over the last few years, it is getting worse and is driving me to the brink of insanity.

I have done everything I can for my parents over the last 5 years as I really feel for them. They had a great life until 7 years ago when mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

My father has never been an easy character but even though at 83 he is in good health, since my mum's diagnosis (and subsequent diagnosis of breast cancer last year) has brought out the worst behaviour in him. I fully understand he is frustrated and angry with the world but he takes it out on everyone and blames everyone but himself. He has fallen out with the few friends who are still alive, he has had a massive falling out with his next door neighbours etc and blames them all. He can not acknowledge his own mean ways.

It is very draining especially as I am round theirs 4/5 days per week.

But it is his very tight ways and reluctance to spend any of his very large financial investments that is really grating on me right now. He wants "all he is entitled to" and more tbh.

When mum was first diagnosed I arranged for them to have a reduction in their council tax and for mum to claim the highest rate of Attendance Allowance. Other little bits here and there but in all honesty they do not qualify for much because they have a very large amount of savings (from inheritance from their own parents).

My dad is constantly asking me to check if he is eligible for this or that because he has watched the Martin Lewis tv show and he thinks he should qualify. He resents paying VAT on the 2 afternoons a week mum attends a day centre (even though her AA pays for that!), he hates paying out for the carer to come every morning to wash and dress mum and even tries to put my sister and I off buying mum new clothes even though she needs them because her breast cancer medication has seen her weight go up and clothes getting tighter. My sister has just purchased mum a new top and trousers and won't ask dad for the money because he will moan about the cost (they are just Tesco clothes ffs).

I have had enough of caring and helping them in general in all honesty not because of my mum, I love my dear mum, I would do anything to help her but I have my own health issues which are getting worse by the day, probably due to the stress of it all (dad really couldn't give a shit about this, it's all about him atm), I have a dh and teen dc at home and am currently out of work as I reduced my hours to help my parents then lost my job but need to find work as money is tight.

But my father couldn't give a toss about me and has declared yesterday that after chatting to someone at a dementia cafe he believes he should be claiming Carer's Allowance. I told him that he won't qualify for it because his pension is over £81 per week and he has £400 thousand pounds invested. He won't listen and is hell bent on claiming this because in his words "He has worked all his life and paid all his taxes and should be entitled to everything", I have told him that's not how tax systems work, it's not an investment account that you can claim once you hit old age. He won't listen to me though.

But the truth is I claim the CA. I have never told him because he has never offered me any money for helping them and it's the only way I can currently help them out whilst not working. I honestly don't know what he thinks I actually live on, my dh doesn't earn a super high salary, just above average but my father thinks he should support me financially whilst I help them out. And if he knew I was claiming CA he would expect me to do more than I already do (which is alot). All for a measly £80 per week ffs.

I don't know what I expect from this post, I know I need to tell him to button it up but it is so damn hard, he is such a difficult character. I am exhausted and just hope someone on here understands, someone who has been through something similar?

Step back and look after yourself.

I'd honestly.just come clean with him. Tell him you claim the CA because you've lost your job due to having to visit 4/5 x week to look after mum. That you're happy to stop claiming but then your visits will equally stop because you have very little money and so you will need a job. Ask him if he wants it or he wants you to have it.

You can’t claim CA without your father knowing. If you do 35 hours a week make sure you can prove it or your father will report you. I suggest you talk to him asap. You are vulnerable. I think he knows and is just playing with you.

I would tell him simply that you are claiming the £80 a week and that without this you won't be able to care for her and would he like you to find out the price of residential care.

He is wrong . You can't get carers allowance once you get state pension .

This
I had a very stubborn fil who wouldn’t listen and had become very self centred. He wasn’t anywhere near as bad about money though. He’d always been careful and didn’t really understand CoL so worried his money would run out.
However, I found straight talking, broken record style was the best way when he wasn’t anywhere near awkward.
He depended totally on dh and me so had to acquiesce on things we knew were important. Sometimes that meant spending his money on his needs and not worry about leaving it to dh.

But the truth is I claim the CA. I have never told him because he has never offered me any money for helping them and it's the only way I can currently help them out whilst not working. I honestly don't know what he thinks I actually live on, my dh doesn't earn a super high salary, just above average but my father thinks he should support me financially whilst I help them out. And if he knew I was claiming CA he would expect me to do more than I already do (which is alot). All for a measly £80 per week ffs.

Is that even legal?!

By all means tell him you need to go back to work and let him sort things out, but claiming that allowance without either of your parents being aware doesn't sound right to me (no expert).

I’m in the same boat OP. My parent resents paying for three mornings a week cater to come in for the other parent even though it means they can get out and have some quality of life. They have over a million pounds in savings and as its Scotland most of the carer’s hourly rate is paid for by the government - they pay something like £2.80 an hour for 9-12 hours a week. They also resent paying for the other’s incontinence pants. All I hear is oh we can’t do that now because I am paying for the carers and pants etc. they’ve always been tight so I don’t know why I am surprised. And they weren’t the big earner in the marriage, it was the person who needs the care now. The other one has claimed absolutely everything they are entitled to, despite having pensions, investments, savings etc. just so bloody mean!

Not quite. You can’t get both full state pension and carers allowance. But if your state pension is low you may get a top-up from carers allowance Here’s the eligibility criteria

If she had only one parent, or if both parents had dementia, they wouldn’t know. I don’t see there’s a problem with parents not knowing.

You could use this as an opportunity to suggest he isn't eligible but you are and get him to support you to claim CA (even though you have already done it).

But that doesn't resolve your issues with him. Can you have a calm, open conversation with him? Practice in advance what you want to say and what you want to get out of it. Make a list, not just moans, practically. You're finding things tough and need to change xyz. If this isn't possible, you may need to cut down but I don't think you want to cut down time and support for your mum really so improvement with Dad would be good progress.

But the father does not have dementia and presumably is legally responsible for the OP's mother - surely she would have to inform him she is claiming carer's allowance? And surely this would need to be confirmed by him before payment started?

Otherwise anyone could claim carer's allowance for any random relative.

Hey OP

My mum died young and I cared for my nan. She was the opposite, if I went shopping for her she would say makesure you get yourself a treat, would give my children treats and was so lovely. I enjoyed caring for her as we would chat about my mum, and sharing our memories.
I was always honest with my nan on how much things cost, petrol etc. I would suggest being honest with your DF. If you loose the carer allowance which as their carer you should get, I would say you are actively looking for employment. That maybe enough to warn him he would then have to cope alone or pay for extra care.
Caring for a relative isn't easy, and it's harder when they are stubborn.

If I tell him I know he'll expect me round every day. I am already round Mon, Tues, Wed, Thursday and Saturdays (and often pop in on a Sunday too). I arrange and attend all of mum's hospital appointments. I deal with all of her medication. I do their washing, change the bed sheets, change their towels (dad fails to see these need washing every week), sort out mum's clothes. I attend all of dad's financial stuff with him so he has someone there who understands and can explain to him etc. I am always on my phone organising stuff such as podiatrist appointments, hair and carer appointments. I certainly cover the 35 hours a week and when I applied for CA they rung me to confirm various things and I explained everything to the representative, she said there was no reason for my father to know that I claim it, they were confident that I had ticked all the boxes to qualify.

I just know that if I tell my dad he will want more. He moans constantly that he doesn't have enough time to himself but when I suggest we use a sit-in service he says no because he doesn't want to pay. If I offered to do it for nothing he'd happily accept but I feel I do enough already and I need some hours in the week to walk my dog every day (that's also some me time), do my own housework and I am looking to do some online training so I could possibly wft at some point (which would work well with my health issues). I obviously need time for this.

Tbh. I had only planned on claiming CA for a very short while as I was hoping dad would agree to carers coming in (so far he will only agree to a carer for an hour every week day morning). I was hoping it would take the strain off me so I can return to work. I can't live off £80 per week for long but he is so damn stubborn and makes me feel bloody guilty as hell.

Your nan sounded lovely.
Dad knows I'm looking for work but that news seems to have made him dig his heels in further.

You can. It doesn't have to be a spouse or child.

"You can't claim it because I am, for all the hours I do here. I can stop claiming, and stop coming daily. Your choice"

It wouldn't then surprise me if he demanded you hand over the 80pw.

I'd stop it all, then just pop in on a Saturday afternoon for a cup of tea.

good advice here 👍

You don’t have to correct everything he says or sort everything for him. So he thinks he can claim whatever just nod and smile and say well I’ll leave that with you to sort. Don’t assume his every utterance is a job for you to do. Treat him more like a rambling person you sit next to on the bus , take the emotion out of it. And if you want to reduce your caring hours then do it, the thing that’s stopping you will I imagine be the stomach churning guilt but let your stomach churn, in time it will subside.

he won’t suddenly have an epiphany and be grateful or less tight.

Sounds just like my father.

He will drive miles to our nearest Aldi to get cheaper incontinence pull ups for mum rather than pay for Tena pants to be delivered.

And most of their thousands invested is actually mum's inheritance money from the sale of her parents house. It's her money and her rainy day has come but he refuses to dip in to that money.

I don't know about you but the frustration from the madness of it all drives me to distraction.

I recognise your story, you've made several other threads? You have POA, your mum could do with a care home or at least a lot more input but your dad refuses to put his hand in his pocket or engage in reasonable conversation about it? ☹️

Realistically, will your dad actually go through the motions himself of trying to claim, or is he just sounding off and hoping you'll sort it for him?

I do need to try this more. I went into some kind of emergency carer overload during lockdown, as with many elderly they became very isolated and in all honesty it just carried on from there and as mum's disease has progressed I've found myself inadvertently doing more and more for them.

I can't bear attitudes like your father's, I'm sorry OP, it sounds really hard.

He has not 'worked all his life' has he? How long has he been retired and receiving state pension and whatever else he has claimed? Not to mention the unearned wealth he has inherited.

I think you probably need to lose your temper and point out how ungrateful he is being, both in having the benefit of your sister and your labour and the financial benefits he has not worked for.

Your dad is not going to change so you need to. What can you do (that doesn't involve your dad changing his ways at all) to make this easier for you?

I lost my temper last March after mum's BC diagnosis.It was such a stressful time. I came out with some home truths regarding his tight fisted ways.

He blamed me for everything, told me to never step foot in his house and that I had ruined everything for my mum. He said this all in front of my mum, she just sat there and cried her eyes out as she didn't understand what was going on. It was heartbreaking.

I didn't speak to him for a week. In the end my sister hounded me every day to go and apologise as it was deeply upsetting mum (also she didn't want the hassle all on her shoulders). I did that for mum. Dad would not acknowledge his part in it all. I still haven't forgiven him tbh and have been festering quite a bit of anger towards him since.

I totally understand his life is now as shit as it can be but he will not see how it's destroying everyone else around him too. He didn't have this crap to deal with at my age. His parents died quickly and he was off on the golf course most days enjoying every bit of his inheritance (he spent his parents inheritance on a motorbike and golfing!).