My father is becoming more financially mean by the day.

[Pancakeparlour]

He is actually mean in many other ways but he is becoming so miserly over the last few years, it is getting worse and is driving me to the brink of insanity.

I have done everything I can for my parents over the last 5 years as I really feel for them. They had a great life until 7 years ago when mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

My father has never been an easy character but even though at 83 he is in good health, since my mum's diagnosis (and subsequent diagnosis of breast cancer last year) has brought out the worst behaviour in him. I fully understand he is frustrated and angry with the world but he takes it out on everyone and blames everyone but himself. He has fallen out with the few friends who are still alive, he has had a massive falling out with his next door neighbours etc and blames them all. He can not acknowledge his own mean ways.

It is very draining especially as I am round theirs 4/5 days per week.

But it is his very tight ways and reluctance to spend any of his very large financial investments that is really grating on me right now. He wants "all he is entitled to" and more tbh.

When mum was first diagnosed I arranged for them to have a reduction in their council tax and for mum to claim the highest rate of Attendance Allowance. Other little bits here and there but in all honesty they do not qualify for much because they have a very large amount of savings (from inheritance from their own parents).

My dad is constantly asking me to check if he is eligible for this or that because he has watched the Martin Lewis tv show and he thinks he should qualify. He resents paying VAT on the 2 afternoons a week mum attends a day centre (even though her AA pays for that!), he hates paying out for the carer to come every morning to wash and dress mum and even tries to put my sister and I off buying mum new clothes even though she needs them because her breast cancer medication has seen her weight go up and clothes getting tighter. My sister has just purchased mum a new top and trousers and won't ask dad for the money because he will moan about the cost (they are just Tesco clothes ffs).

I have had enough of caring and helping them in general in all honesty not because of my mum, I love my dear mum, I would do anything to help her but I have my own health issues which are getting worse by the day, probably due to the stress of it all (dad really couldn't give a shit about this, it's all about him atm), I have a dh and teen dc at home and am currently out of work as I reduced my hours to help my parents then lost my job but need to find work as money is tight.

But my father couldn't give a toss about me and has declared yesterday that after chatting to someone at a dementia cafe he believes he should be claiming Carer's Allowance. I told him that he won't qualify for it because his pension is over £81 per week and he has £400 thousand pounds invested. He won't listen and is hell bent on claiming this because in his words "He has worked all his life and paid all his taxes and should be entitled to everything", I have told him that's not how tax systems work, it's not an investment account that you can claim once you hit old age. He won't listen to me though.

But the truth is I claim the CA. I have never told him because he has never offered me any money for helping them and it's the only way I can currently help them out whilst not working. I honestly don't know what he thinks I actually live on, my dh doesn't earn a super high salary, just above average but my father thinks he should support me financially whilst I help them out. And if he knew I was claiming CA he would expect me to do more than I already do (which is alot). All for a measly £80 per week ffs.

I don't know what I expect from this post, I know I need to tell him to button it up but it is so damn hard, he is such a difficult character. I am exhausted and just hope someone on here understands, someone who has been through something similar?

I honestly don't know right now as I can't think straight but I would like him to have a carer come late afternoon/evening to help mum get ready for the evening. For mum to go to the day centre another afternoon a week (she loves it there) and for someone to sit in with mum for a few hours per week so dad (and I) can do our own things.

This will cost approx. £150-200 extra a week. He will not agree to pay that.

You don’t have to correct everything he says or sort everything for him. So he thinks he can claim whatever just nod and smile and say well I’ll leave that with you to sort. Don’t assume his every utterance is a job for you to do.

This, with bells on x 100.

My mother is also similarly well-off but tight. She rages about not getting the heating allowance, or having to pay TV licence. It is very unedifying to listen to (especially as I am broke). However, I do the absolute bare minimum for her, an hour of my time a week (mostly admin). If she wants to live without a cleaner when her house is dirty (and she does) that’s up to her.

Im not clear how you have got yourself into the position of doing all this work for next to nothing. I think for your own health and sanity, you need to find a way to stop it all. Maybe just tell him this, using your own health, or that you need to look for a job, as justification. Tell him he will need to pay for cleaners carers et cetera. What can you do when you say no - he can try and bully you but ultimately he can’t force you. (Though I do understand there is a complication with your mother.)

The carers allowance you’re claiming is a secondary issue, a bit awkward perhaps. Maybe you should come clean, in case he finds out - but at the same time add that you are dropping the claim because you are looking for employment and cannot do any more work for them. That will give strength to your claim that you are unable to do the work he requires. Let him try and claim for carers allowance himself, if that is what he has seen on TV ; stop enabling his selfishness.

Once you’ve stopped claiming and assuming your father refuses help for your mother - contact social services?

Who controls your mum's money? She needs to be able to spend that on her own care, he shouldn't be able to withhold that and I'm not sure how it would work but maybe someone could give you advice on how you can get the power to do that.

@Pancakeparlour but all that involves your dad changing, which he's not going to do. How can YOU change, to make this situation bearable?

He blamed me for everything, told me to never step foot in his house and that I had ruined everything for my mum.

He sounds a peach.

There is clearly no point in arguing with him. I would just be assertive and say you’ve got to look for a job now and you can’t be spending the hours there, you’re dropping the carers allowance you got for your mum, he needs to arrange help, and you’ll just come on a Saturday, or whatever. he needs to sort out proper care for your mum or ask Social Services to. And leave it at that. Don’t enter into a conversation about it, just assertion. From where I am standing, none of this grief is worth £80 a week carers allowance.

But don't you have to inform the person being cared for (or their spouse or legal guardian)? Do they not need to confirm that you are in fact providing care? I would have thought they would be told "X has claimed carer's allowance on the basis that he/she is providing Y hours of care to Z - can you give confirmation for the record this is correct".

Otherwise they are paying a benefit with zero confirmation to support it?

We've had SS in 4 times over the last few years. They aren't at all interested because they have well.over the £23,500 threshold.

I don't think we have the concept of a husband being "legally responsible" for is wife nowadays, do we?

It's obviously better if a relative does tell a cohabiting spouse to avoid complications of two people trying to claim. But in practice? What if the husband is abusive/financially controlling and tries to derail the claim, for example by saying that the carer doesn't do 35 hours?

The OP has been told by the department handling CA claims that she does not have to tell her father.

I meant more from the safeguarding point of view. That your father is blocking the care she requires and should be receiving, if only as a result of AA. Of course this is a difficult issue to pursue, but perhaps a possibility? Maybe it can be done in confidence with social services, I’m not sure how all that works though. They could put pressure on him?

Thank you.

Between myself, my father and my sister we all hold POA so I suppose we are all jointly responsible for mum.

I claim the carers allowance so I am not out of pocket for the things I do for them. It covers all the phone calls I make, the fuel when I use my car to take and collect her from the day centre (an hour's round trip each time) etc.

In an ideal scenario I would be informing my father that I claim but it is the only way I can currently help mum without wearing myself thin financially. I honestly don't know what my dad thinks I live on but he tells me regularly that DH should be supporting me!

I can tolerate it because I live a couple of hours away so can’t help in the way you are. But it is bloody annoying when I think the parent could have arranged this care 2 years ago when they both had better quality of life/mobility but they were too bloody tight! I have to roll my eyes at stuff - eg when they were staying with me I got smoked salmon for lunch, good quality stuff. As a treat, we don’t eat it all the time. Then all I hear is ‘oh lucky you, we just can’t afford smoked salmon etc I buy the Tesco basics scraps to make mousse’. They can afford it, much more than me! I try to let it wash over me. Sounds much worse for you as you daily see the detriment to your mum from your dad’s meanness.

Tell him that you've applied for CA as its you who does the work and he's not entitled to it as he doesn't do the caring!

I've done all of that, explained that dad struggles at times. They came to do an assessment a few months ago but just left leaflets for carers and I organizations. I genuinely believe once they see you are middle class, residing in a nice large house, nice car on the drive with family around they have little interest.

That has been our experience with SS anyhow.

My friend's mum is elderly, has no money, sits at home smoking all day living in squalor and receives lots of help from SS.

Your fathers behaviour could potentially be classed as financial control/abuse. He's preventing your mum from getting the care she needs by withholding the money

OP, I think you need to let your DParents fail a bit more and be less available.
Your DSis sounds similar in character to your DF.
Of course you want to help your DM the best you can, but this £80 a week is not worth the hassle of the extra hours and stress.
Is there another way you can earn £80 a week by baby sitting or caring for a sweet elderly person?
Once your DM's needs are not being met by you things will escalate. Your DF may be forced to employ carers.

He can't have carers allowance as he's too old. I don't agree with it as many older people care for spouses and children and don't get the money but yes, once you get your pension or get over pension age, you can't have it.

Register with a carers support center near you, they will be able to help you know what you are entitled to and what you could claim for in the short term.

Then ask social services to come and do a carer assessment. This is to support you and to show how it impacts your life. I would do this with your father present personally so they can see what you have to put up with.

In the long term I would suggest to your father that if your he doesn't accept help from outside agencies that he can pay for to make everyone's life easier then you will have to pull back entirely and get a full time job as its not financially possible for you to do as you do with no income when he expects you to run two homes and objects to paying for what he is required to do so. Ask him what he's clinging so tightly into the money for. He might be thinking he can leave it to you. If it's so it doesn't get swallowed in care fees point out that allowing the money to be spent will keep them both home and having independence for longer.

I'm not saying it'll be an easy conversation and that hell grasp it and change. My grandfather was the same and begrudged anyone having anything from him including paying for his own food (when able to get out he'd go to a homeless and vulnerable people charity for his meals so he could spend what he'd pay for food on alcohol. When not able to get out, he gave me a tenner to feed him three meals a day and pay for toiletries and cleaning stuff and clothes and everything else all because he would just buy those 1 pound microwave meals for his evening meal and he'd think that was enough. It obviously wasn't. I got round it by taking a picture of his card front and back when he gave it to me to pay a bill and having his food and cleaning etc stuff delivered to his house by a supermarket and kept details records and receipts of where the money went and what it was spent on. He realised and was angry for a day until he realised that he was the only one benefiting from it and actually was eating pretty well now (as he'd stopped drinking through noone bringing it in for him) he'd discovered his appetite and he quite liked having clean clothes appearing back in his wardrobe rather than wearing the same clothes for weeks before changing.

Only if that relative receives dla or pip and they have to prove that they care for over 35 hours a week. The person cared for then loses an enhanced disability support amount to cover the carers allowanxe so unless that person is close to said relative (so close they can intercept post and forge signatures) and said relative sadly doesn't have capacity it wouldn't be possible to do so for just any relatives.

That was my thinking too. I would wonder if you could point that out to him that he's stopping her receiving what she needs from money she has saved for this very reason. He could end up in a lot of trouble for this. If he gets difficult, point it out.

I do feel I am up against it all the time. My sister just wants an easy life so has always gone with my father's wishes, if she was more on board with me live would be easier but that's never going to happen.
In all honesty I need a full time job, I need the money but I feel I can not rest until I know there is regular and consistent help in place. I know in order to achieve this I will need to step back but I'd hate to see things get worse and then have to pick up the pieces (or for it to look as though I've not bothered with them as I live just around the corner from them).

Sadly SS don't want to know as they have savings.

With regards to POA: do you have it 'jointly and severally' so you an act independently on your mother's behalf? Does she have any money independently of your father? If so, could you use this to meet some of your mother's needs?
I realise it's very difficult standing up to your father without your mum suffering as a result. I agree with others though with regards to some of his demands like claiming benefits. Don't take it on yourself, just nod and leave him to get on with it.

I'm going round now to sit with mum whilst dad is at the GP surgery.
I will try and have a chat with him when he returns.

The carers assessment is for you, my love. Nothing to do with them or their finances. It's how you're coping and identifying help you need (which is why I suggested having him in the room so he can hear and realise what you do and they could hopefully see how he behaves towards you)

Op, potentially your DSis is playing the long game.
In fairness to her, why shouldn't she?
She knows if DF doesn't spend anything she's likely to inherit reasonably.

Is this the scenario?...DSis is humouring your DF, she's helping DM a bit, but trying to let you have the mental load and the wrath of your DF?
Presumably she knows about the £80/ week so thinks it's a fair cop?

You getting full time employment is the way to go.

It might help you rebuild the relationship with your DSis if you no longer get CA, as genuinely, it's better if DSis and you are on the same page going forward.
Easier to have her on your side.
Learn from her techniques of deflecting your DF.