Elderly parents getting less able

[Ringinthechanges]

And how to deal with it?

My parents are late 80s and still live in our 4 bed, detached childhood home. They've done well to live independently so far and have had no major illnesses but are becoming frailer.

The house, never a priority, is really not being maintained so that we are dealing with things constantly now. Kitchen light went, they were cooking in the dark, boiler and gas fire went at the same time in middle of winter, repeat mouse problems the last few years, landline phone went and they just left it (dad is more tech savvy and has a mobile mum can't use hers at all)

They don't have a downstairs loo and dad is getting much less mobile. There have been no adaptations to the house, apart from a bar to hold by back door. So bathroom, stairs, doorsteps are a problem. We've discussed getting adaptations done and a downstairs loo, people in to do basic maintenance jobs, all to no avail. Dad just absolutely refuses to spend money (anything we do we pay for, I got landline phones, new kitchen light, outdoor lights, paid for pest control, and then time to do the jobs). Mum is, I suspect ND, and has always been very anti any 'outsiders' in the house.

They live half an hour away and I have a preschooler, both siblings have a primary aged child and we all have work commitments. Dad is still driving locally but I think shouldn't any more. Mum can't drive, can't use internet and can't plan so no weekly shop, more like daily trips to get stuff.
Dad was looking into moving into sheltered accommodation a few years ago but mum absolutely refused. It's now probably too late anyway.

With everything considered, I can see how, without any plan or strategy, we will just fall into needing to be there more and more. I am trying to dicuss with siblings to get some sort of plan. I won't be able to do more than I currently do as we are moving house for my son's school, I have a husband who is away for work more than home and I'll be working more once school starts up. I currently go on a weekday as my siblings are in Mon-Fri jobs and go at weekends. This won't be possible from September when my son starts school.
What do I do? Just leave it and act piecemeal or try and push for some co-ordinated efforts with siblings, parents and other help? It feels like a major stress to organise at the moment so any advice from experience would be helpful.

You offer help to fix the needed things now or downsize to a small place suited for yheir needs.
You say no to spend your time sorting their stuff because they are subborn. It's so easy to say no if relatives stand up and make life easy and they will continue.

I'm missing the main point, but if your parents are in their late 80s and you have a child under 5, they must have been pretty old when they had you and you must have been pretty old when you had your child.

I was in my early 40s when I had my children and this is the kind of difficult situation which comes with the territory of late parenthood.

I wouldn't be propping them up if they have money to buy in help they won't spend.
Thats on them. So you leave it. Usually only by letting a crisis develop will things change.
What were their plans for coping as they age that don't rely on busy family with jobs and families of their own?
My experience is a MIL with a broken femur (amongst other issues) and family 'carers' all eventually on antidepressants.
Hopefully you have POA.

It’s hard, particularly when personalities are more complicated. DM won’t lose any independence by allowing anyone PoA or letters of authority. However she rushes to wail about being all alone and having no one to help when she’s in a pickle- which she often is. The reality is that she’s not independent and some suitable measures would make life much easier. Sadly we’ll still be getting panicked phone calls about being locked out of her bank account for a while yet, I think.

Not really helpful, and hardly the OP’s fault. Yes it’s very hard having ‘older’ parents, but then again nothing in life is guaranteed and OP couldn’t choose when her parents decided to have her.

What seems to happen in these cases is a crisis moment when things have to change.

MY Mum died leaving, Dad who was frail.on his own 80 miles away from us. Dad isn't stubborn luckily and was happy to complete POAs and he already had a Will.

You are right, care ramped up over time until his deterioration and my ability to help sort of collided folloiwnga dementia diagnosis and two major falls (only bruising thankfully).

We knew a big decision had to be made at this point and I don't think the hospital would have released him without that decision. They'd seen him.have 2 falls and they were asking searching questions on care and care packages.

At this point the only options were

1. Care callers (but when? The help he needed was unpredictable)
2. Care Home
3. Live with us.

He chose the 3rd option.

So I'd say, make sure paperwork is in place - wills and POAs and look at what realistic options your family can offer. What you can do will be different to us. If you don't do any of this then be prepared for questions if there's ever a crisis and the professionals force it.

This must be hard….my mum is 88 and getting more frail….but I don’t have young kids ….in fact my GC are tweens now …..we moved my mum to a bungalow when she was 81 …..left behind her home of 47 years…..she said it felt like a burden gone …..like your parents home, it had got to the stage where loads needing doing and the garden was far too big to manage…..she bought a bungalow and with the equity put in new kitchen and bathroom, a lovely sun room on the back….and still had money in the bank….the garden is low maintenance, so family help keep her on top of it….my mum has both financial and health plans in place….she has lovely older neighbours….I don’t worry about her falling down stairs…..and she is really happy

My situation is similar, my Mum is in her 80s, lives in a large house in rural France (with my stepfather). My siblings and I have all suggested she moves back to the UK but to no avail. She is relatively fit and healthy, however, my stepfather had a heart attack early this year. Travelling is more difficult and neither of them like to drive in the dark (which is understandable).

My siblings and I have tried many different strategies to try and help them but they are very stubborn. Like others have said I think it will take a crisis to change things, which is not ideal.

Trying to care for your elderly parents given the situation you describe is highly likely to give you a breakdown, and your siblings too if you try and get them to do more. Prioritise your own children and partner and absolutely do not spend any more of your money on stuff your parents should pay for. Sadly as another poster has said only a crisis will change the situation, one will almost certainly happen even if you do more ... so you might as well wait and see, while still maintaining contact by phone and giving them advice (eg to get carers in to help).

Given that your DF was willing to move house in the past, would it be worth having another chat with them about moving to a more suitable place? I'd emphasis the advantages of a move which is planned by them in advance as opposed to a crisis-driven move which could very much not be to their liking!

There's nothing in place currently. Dad was always very organised, had a professional job etc so sorted things out for us a lot in early adulthood. It's a hard shift for him on those grounds I think, to be dependent. He has a will, as I think Mum does. But no PoA currently.

Mum the opposite, think she's ADHD & possibly ASD. Never able to organise anything for household admin, wouldn't have a clue how to pay a bill, do or sort anything maintenance wise in the house. But she's still very mobile and is the 'legs' of the operation, running up and downstairs for dad. She's incredibly stubborn though and just won't discuss things if she isn't interested.

Dad's really very deaf, struggles a lot with mobility and is starting to sleep a lot.
They have no social contact other than us now. Mum's still quite chatty and lively so it must be rubbish to not see people much. I'm worried about falls with my dad, it's how some of his siblings and my nan on his side went. If that happened there's no way mum could live in the house but she is just not reasonable, possibly due to ND. It's strange as she's more sociable than dad and would benefit more from activities and settle in better,I think, to sheltered accommodation but won't consider it. My siblings have pointed to how 2 elderly relatives recently died at home and think our parents are looking to that. Situations were totally different in both cases though, grown up grandchildren and terminal illnesses with an end to them and care packages in place. My parents are just in general old aged related decline which they aren't acknowledging.

If I were you I would continue to intervene with house structural issues as these can be dangerous and worsen over time.

But anything else, to do with care, cleaning and shopping etc - I would only offer advice to them on how to contact agencies, social workers, helpers and carers and people who can help them. Presumably they have “agency” and so must ultimately decide for themselves. Luckily they have the financial means so there is absolutely no need for you to enter into the breach in terms of cleaning and caring role, apart from advisory or to oversee.

Thats all you can do in the circumstances you describe. You can do this from a place of love if you love your parents, or duty if you don’t. But I think the practicalities remain pretty much the same.

Just read your update. I suspect some elderly people just prefer to live in their own homes in old age, even if their environment is increasingly decrepit and grubby. In a way they are (esp if they have the financial wherewithal) choosing to live that way. Ultimately your father chose to accept his wife’s refusal to move somewhere else more suitable. Of course if they are unreasonable to boot, they may expect their adult children to come in and cook and clean and do everything for them. But if that is not possible or forthcoming, on some level they must know the score and are making decisions that suit them.

So, based on my own experience. PoAs for H&W and Finances, Wills and Letters of Wishes. Get the legal stuff sorted first.

Local Authority assessment for adaptations. My parent is classed deaf with hearing aids. We have a smoke / doorbell/ phone system with pager and bed shaker supplied and installed for free by LA. They have also supplied extra steps for front and back door, and grab rails where needed. We are on the register for emergency services so they know there is a deaf person at the property.

Utilities - get on the Priority Services Register.

Are they eligible for extra financial support? If there is a medical diagnosis, look into Atrendance Allowance.

It does get to a point where you need to insist. The hardest part is shifting the parent / child relationship to be on an adult basis. Once you can get them to see that you are a capable adult, it does make things easier.

Of course, you are not obliged to help them. You can say no.

@Ringinthechanges I posted on your AIBU thread, just to say here is a guide that may be worth sending to your parents and going through if they are amenable! https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/information-guides/ageukig51_thinking_about_end_of_life_inf.pdf. Health professionals see all sorts of situations in older age (,the good the bad and the ugly!) the best advice is to talk it through and understand your parents wishes whilst you can ,it makes those crisis situations a little bit easier. As others have said, your parents have free will at this stage but they do need to be thoughtful as to how their choices will impact on their children,particularly if there is sn expectation that you will provide care and support.

I think logic goes out the window with many if not most over 80s even when still totally 'all there mentally'- as my lovely father in law (85) told me - when your friends and relatives die off or you lose contact then you kind of want to stick to the status quo as much as you can - even when your head says it no longer makes any sense at all !! He has actually allowed his head to win and has sold up and moving at 85 - but I admit the stress it has caused is big - even though it totally makes sense. We have him with us at the moment for a short while and I have noticed he's become very attached to his particular rituals at certain times of day

There is ultimately very little you can do if they won't cooperate. You can't force them to move house, pay for home improvements, accept a Social Services needs assessment, or agree to having professional carers. The fact that they don't fix easy issues like the kitchen light and are prepared to carry on cooking in the dark sounds as if there may be some age related cognitive problems. But until a crisis (like a fall) happens there is not a lot you can do anyway.

It would be really helpful if you could persuade them to do LPAs but it doesn't sound like that is on the cards.

Getting them to accept help will be hard and often it gets to crisis before anything changes. What you can do is get them to sign powers of attorney for finance and health, you da. Process yourself but each costs but so worthwhile as it could make such a difference. Also I would highly recommend researching care companies, cleaning companies that offer housekeeper services eg washing, changing beds, local taxi service for when driving licence is cancelled etc. talk to siblings and get everyone on board as to who will do what.

If you think your mins stubbornness could be more than simply how she is, time to get a capacity assessment (ideally after you get power of attorney)

Did you want to be helpful or rude? Sorry OP it’s hard. I feel for you in a similar situation.

Sorry I can't offer any help or advice but I'm watching with interest, as im in a similar situation with my grandparents, who for the time being I've had to go LC with.

Our crisis point came earlier this year when mum fainted and broke her hip.
In an instant they went from independence to regular support.
Their house too is giving up. Spent 150mins on phone today regarding central heating system...

Also missing the point but your parents are almost 90 and you have a child aged about 3?

How does that even work?

Does it matter?

I had this?with my mum. She wanted a solution but that involved me doing stuff at my own cost with young children from 80 miles away. Mum needed a gardener and cleaner possibly only once a fortnight. But she wouldn't. I was totally frank with her and told her she would fall and have her choices taken away. She said I was frightening her. She did have a crisis and died. I think if she had a cleaner checking in on her once a week for £30 it wouldn't have happened. But that was her choice. She had already fallen twice

I will possibly be in this situation if my youngest has kids as late as I did…the difference is that me & DH both fully accept we didn’t have kids in order for them to care for us in old age and that we have a good idea of what we need to do to help ourselves and plan for the future, having both worked in healthcare!