Elderly parents getting less able

[Ringinthechanges]

And how to deal with it?

My parents are late 80s and still live in our 4 bed, detached childhood home. They've done well to live independently so far and have had no major illnesses but are becoming frailer.

The house, never a priority, is really not being maintained so that we are dealing with things constantly now. Kitchen light went, they were cooking in the dark, boiler and gas fire went at the same time in middle of winter, repeat mouse problems the last few years, landline phone went and they just left it (dad is more tech savvy and has a mobile mum can't use hers at all)

They don't have a downstairs loo and dad is getting much less mobile. There have been no adaptations to the house, apart from a bar to hold by back door. So bathroom, stairs, doorsteps are a problem. We've discussed getting adaptations done and a downstairs loo, people in to do basic maintenance jobs, all to no avail. Dad just absolutely refuses to spend money (anything we do we pay for, I got landline phones, new kitchen light, outdoor lights, paid for pest control, and then time to do the jobs). Mum is, I suspect ND, and has always been very anti any 'outsiders' in the house.

They live half an hour away and I have a preschooler, both siblings have a primary aged child and we all have work commitments. Dad is still driving locally but I think shouldn't any more. Mum can't drive, can't use internet and can't plan so no weekly shop, more like daily trips to get stuff.
Dad was looking into moving into sheltered accommodation a few years ago but mum absolutely refused. It's now probably too late anyway.

With everything considered, I can see how, without any plan or strategy, we will just fall into needing to be there more and more. I am trying to dicuss with siblings to get some sort of plan. I won't be able to do more than I currently do as we are moving house for my son's school, I have a husband who is away for work more than home and I'll be working more once school starts up. I currently go on a weekday as my siblings are in Mon-Fri jobs and go at weekends. This won't be possible from September when my son starts school.
What do I do? Just leave it and act piecemeal or try and push for some co-ordinated efforts with siblings, parents and other help? It feels like a major stress to organise at the moment so any advice from experience would be helpful.

I'm sorry for what happened with your mum.
It's so similar, they just won't spend it. My dad came from a very impoverished background so I don't know if that has a bearing. He's also terrified of being conned now as well, which makes it really hard. When I paid for pest control last year, after my mum got really low with them in the house and traps not sorting it, she kept (keeps) complaining about what a strange man he was who came to do it. I'd spoken to him on the phone and he sounded very pleasant. She won't expand in what way he was strange, so I have no idea, couldn't contact to complain or reason with her about it. It's just so thankless and stressful..either she just hates peole being in the house or I've genuinely put them in an unsafe position and don't know..

I’m sorry, that must have been frustrating. Have you come to terms with it?
We’ll be facing similar with DM. She’s extremely resistant to any organised support, in preference to getting into a panic and needing help ‘right now!’.
What worries me a lot, is her getting to a point of real vulnerability and getting thoroughly scammed by a ‘helpful neighbour’ with us unable to step in. Her fear of us taking advantage leaves her at risk of being rinsed and abused by a stranger.
Every back up possibility available has been turned down. And she’s rapidly losing capacity. She’ll end up in a care home not of her choosing if she doesn’t let us get involved.

I noticed the same.

Yes my mum came from humble beginnings and never liked spending. Unfortunately she was well off and me and my sister got her savings. Sister has spent most of hers which I absolutely do not begrudge in any way. I can't face spending a penny out of guilt. Mum could have a very comfortable few decades safe in her home and a nice end. I would have booked and vetted everything but she absolutely would not consider any form of help. I think my mum was also ND as all my kids are and I suspect I have asd too. Mum was not good with people. Definitely didn't like strangers or interactions but she could tolerate it.

I try not to think about it or I get upset. It wasn't that long ago really. It's my second Christmas without her and this year seems a bit worse. I am done tormenting myself on what more I could have done. It was all her choice and she was adult and I suggested everything and was met with "how will do that? How can I offord that?" I told her I'd book it but with mum's thousands in the bank and me on UC as a carer I wasn't in a position to pay. We was just getting started on sorting POA but she died before I could submit the application and I was too scared to ask her to pay for the application.

They are grown adults with some capacity to make stupid choices. The price mum paid was very unfair. I'm not 100% certain if she had known the final outcome, she would been different. I'm really so sorry. It's a crap situation and my only comfort is that she is at peace now. I wish I had a time machine

My PIL died aged 90 and 80. My DDs were 6 and 1 at the time.

@IncessantNameChanger one reason I'm on the elderly parents board is not because I actually need tons of advice at the moment- my 85 year old FIL is great for his age, just moving to a bungalow having sold up - however I wanted to be aware of what future options there were, how it works financially, when you can get paid for care, when you can't etc- how POA works etc- and I think being aware now yourself puts many of us in a better position if we have capacity to make sensible choices rather than just presuming as your mum did that things 'can't be done' - so sorry for your loss, your care shines through in your words

@Ringinthechanges the conning thing seems to really come to to the fore with many older people- although it is an issue that people do need awareness of, I do sometimes wonder if too much daytime TV has played a part in this obsession on cons !

Thank you. That's a very kind to say and at times, I need to hear that I did try from a place of love.

As soon as ds17 turns 18 I'm giving him poa and will add dd much later as she is only ten. I have two other sons but ds21 doesn't get on with ds17 so I don't want him arguing with his older brother at my end of life. Ds12 is disabled so it's would be the two who get on. I'm already trying to think ahead including downsizing or converting a garage into a bathroom well before I have my first fall.

Getting a cleaner and gardener well before I loose the ability. Listening to my kids with some self reflection. I have also told my kids that if I ever get like mum, that I need to be blunt and honest. I'd get some movement tracking app or tech. Not just for my safety but too ease their mental burden. Also sorting my paperwork out and decluttering. At least mum didn't have paperwork or house in a mess.

Thanks for this, I'll have a good read through. Although they're quite old, I feel at the beginning of all this as a few years back they were doing fine and I had a young baby that was demanding all my time. I need to know what all the options are to be able to present them to everyone, and just for myself if a more co-ordinated approach doesn't come about. This looks like a good place to start.

Your post gave me goosebumps. I actually thought I'd came across a post I'd written myself!

My heart goes out to you as the worry and the stress of dealing with parent's no forward planning as well as a family of your own can be overwhelming to the point of exhaustion.

My parents are in their 80s, both I suspect are ND, and still live in the family home, a semi detached house with 2 gardens (front and back) and no downstairs toilet. The house sits between 2 steep hills and isn't anywhere near shops or transport. My dad can hardly walk so the stairs is a deathtrap, and he hasn't been able to walk up and down his street for the last 5 years. He drives (another story for another time!) The car or taxis which they hate using are his only means of leaving the house to get out anywhere.

My mum can't cope with gardeners or workmen and uses me as her personal therapist for all her woes relating to the upkeep of the house or getting out anywhere. Will not accept suggestions of living somewhere more suitable (too late now anyway). Neither are online and refuse my offer of online shopping. They store some shopping in the car boot as neither can carry shopping up the path!

I help when I can but I have a young family including 2 kids with autism, and also not been keeping well myself (currently going through a cancer scare - probably the stress of it all!). My mum constantly makes comments about 'offspring being there for their parents' and has had digs about me 'being selfish'. Instead of taking any personal responsibility for no forward planning and heir stubbornness, it's being put on to me 😕

No advice really, sorry for long rant, but I was really just wanting to empathise and tell you that you aren't alone. It is so difficult to manage and the stress can be so isolating. I hope thing become easier for you and you can find a way to get your parents to live sensibly in their old age 💕

@IncessantNameChanger I think the cleaner and the gardener is a very good thing- ideally a cleaner/housekeeper who will do an hours ironing too . also if it's any consolation my FIL is 85 and touching wood has never had a fall and until last month he had stairs. It's easy to be on here presuming everyone is frail or falling all the time after mid 70s - but that's because it's mainly a place where people having these issues come to. I'm not saying he won't- but he's got to 85 without .

This is why we're known as the sandwich generation. Parents still alive ages 70s-90s and children still primary-aged or younger. The generations either side of us require care and we're stuck in the middle.

It's pretty common in my circle where we didn't start having kids until at least mid-30s and our parents didn't have us until at least mid-30s. That means a grandparent is at least 70 when the first grandchild is born. Meaning they're turning 80 and grandchildren are still primary-aged, can't be left alone, must be there for schoolruns etc. Take into account second marriages and you often get older dads, and therefore grandads, therefore late 80s and 90s.

OP I think it's pretty common to lose the ability to plan food shopping and meals. It turned out the elderly neighbours I shopped for the in first lockdown had taken to going to the supermarket every day as they couldn't plan ahead. They really struggled when I asked how much milk they'd need to last a week.

In a similar situation to you and I've had to go for firm boundaries and to push back on suggestions that I do things. I do a lot of signposting to local services who could help (I'm too far away for changing a lightbulb to be at all practical!). Fortunately a very practical cleaner is now helping which makes a difference.

Our friends’ elderly relative having a cleaner saved their life. The poor lady found them just in time to get an ambulance. This resulted in other relatives coming into the house where the extent of his reduced capacity became obvious. He had hidden it from everyone to some degree. Neighbours had been unwittingly plugging the gaps with chores and errands.
He returned from a long hospital stay to a much safer environment and with a care package in place so he could stay in his home.
Age UK and the GP were instrumental. Good luck OP 💐.

Happens easily enough when we leave it late to sprog. My DS was 1 when my mum went off her chump with dementia and had to move into a care home. 🤷

(I had him age 36, she had me age 40.)

I‘m not sure when this ‘golden age’
to have children in order to line up elderly care is?! I know of a 105 year old being cared for by their 85 year old daughter - I’m sure that’s no cake walk either. Ok, that may be rare but what’s ideal? 85 year old being cared for by 65 year old who has worked all their life and just made it out to retirement golden years? Life is messy and imperfect.

@Narwalpjtop yep you can't win on this- I'm busy helping FIL who is 85 and am 63 myself or you get grandparents in mid to late 70s who struggle with toddlers and baby grandchildren due to them having children later and their own children having children in mid to late30s and 40s

I think it sounds good. It would probably be appealing for people who don't have children or other family members to rely on either (like myself).

Value wise it sounds good too. I think perhaps you are pricing it too low? Are you going to have to travel to see clients? If so, are you factoring enough in for petrol?

One thing I would consider though is how much AI might be able to replace some of what you are offering in the near future.

Wishing you all the best with it though. It sounds like a valuable service.

Is this someone in person or at the end of a phone?

I think it is a needed role, I’m just not sure how it would work practically if the elderly person won’t let the handyman in or the online order needs to be delivered earlier and has substitutions if it’s ordered in somebody else’s name. Or coordinating appointments when the GP/physio/hospital won’t speak to the next of kin let alone a contracted out coordinator.

Some of the things needed are someone to sort the post, which is an in person task, check the use by dates on food, check the key is in the keysafe.

100% agree with this but the vast majority of elderly people have no real plans. I had to push my Mum into sheltered accomodation. She really didnt want to go but was causing great issues living on her own 100's of miles away. She was dangerous and she was giving out my phone number to everyone she came across. I often had Dr's surgery calling me asking whether I can bring her in for her annual flu jab. Mum was almost housebound by this point and GP's rarely come to the house to give one. She was very very upset thinking she would miss her jab.

I did also tell her that she would fall (she said she would be careful!) and that the house was becoming more in need of maintenance. She had a boiler over 40's years old, no real hot water, two rads in the house didnt work but she didnt mind. Then she started calling me a lot, crying, asking for help for maintenance issues and made a nusiance of herself with the neighbours.

Its very common for some older people to scattergun their requests for help to hide what they cannot do. That and just leaving things unmended.

When problems arise that will be an issue because you will need a number of clients to make this work and issues will clash. We had carers cancel last minute 3 times in three weeks because of issues they encountered, so its relatively common.

What happens when the carers arent due and you get more than one alert call at the same time?

If theyve fallen will it be you expected to stay with them for hours before the ambulance comes?

Those fall alerts go off regularly for no reason.

What happens with essential groceries not delivered because they were out of stock? Or short dated items?

I dont think one call a week is sufficient for a wellbeing check. When Dad was at home...before he came to live with us...which was before he went into care, I would call him once a day.

Can you source appropriate indemnity insurance?

I do think there are a lot of elderly out there that require more than just carers coming in but when they are at that stage they are becoming more and more dependent. The elderly rarely like admitting they need help, let alone paying for it! And what will you do if you think they are losing capacity and they dont have a POA?

This was my original post from last year which someone seems to have started up again today.

Together with siblings, we had a conversation with our parents that seemed to go well but on reflection changed little. They agreed to Age Concern coming out to do a free check of the house to see what adaptations they might benefit from.

None of us could be there on the day and it was fedback from parents that they were told they didn't need a stairlift. In retrospect I imagine my father wouldn't pay for one. At the time I listened and agreed with them that it's good to keep moving whilst you can, but pointed out that they wouldn't have to use the stairlift when fitted if they didn't want to. The benefit came from it already being there if it became needed, rather than potentially waiting weeks for one to be fitted in the event of a fall.

My mum broke her hip last week and required a partial hip replacement. She's still in hospital, we think, due out tomorrow. It wasn't actually mum I had in mind with the adaptations, at least in the short term, but it would have been so useful for the stairlift to have been fitted for her coming home. We tried, so it's just seeing where things go from here. Mum was the legs in the house, so with both of them hobbling they will need significantly more help. It will have to be outsourced, as far as I'm concerned, as I won't be able to do the 2 hour round trip to theirs often enough for it to help. It's made me consider things for myself getting older though.

As for the sales idea above, great in theory, but the biggest hurdle is getting elderly parents to agree to anything. Much, much easier said than done.

Agreed. We are similar. Dad came to live with us and we put in all the adaptions we thought would be needed but then he got sepsis...7 weeks in hospital...and his needs changed. We are all dealing with an unpredicatible, and often fast moving, landscape.

Weve now moved to the care home option and as POA Im entitled to read his record. The care he is receiving makes it clear that the choice for his circumstances was the right one. However hard it was for me to make thay decision.

Good luck and hope your Mum is home soon and mobile again.

I haven't RTFT so apologise if PP have mentioned the following.

When my Dad started to deteriorate (still in our 5 bed family home), there are two things I was advised to do (amongst other things!):

I spoke to Age Concern to find out if he was entitled to any benefits that aren't means tested. Turns out that because I was helping, and doing his shopping/ collecting prescriptions and other basic help that he relied on etc, and he was fairly dependent, he was entitled to approx £60/month (or it might have even been per week, I can't remember). I can't remember the name of the benefit, but Age Concern went through everything with me, and helped with the application process.

I spoke to the local council adult services team. They were excellent (after a wait of several months), and although we had paid for a handyman to install grab rails in various places etc, they did a full inspection of Dad's home, and added some extra things (at no cost), such as a half step by the front and back door and some other rails etc. Dad wasn't really keen on this, but I sold it to him as that they were coming in to evaluate him just in case he ever needs help in the future, as he needs to be 'in the system'. Turned out he was really happy to have help with adaptations as it then enabled him to stay independent for a little longer.

Hope this might help.