Elderly parents getting less able

[Ringinthechanges]

And how to deal with it?

My parents are late 80s and still live in our 4 bed, detached childhood home. They've done well to live independently so far and have had no major illnesses but are becoming frailer.

The house, never a priority, is really not being maintained so that we are dealing with things constantly now. Kitchen light went, they were cooking in the dark, boiler and gas fire went at the same time in middle of winter, repeat mouse problems the last few years, landline phone went and they just left it (dad is more tech savvy and has a mobile mum can't use hers at all)

They don't have a downstairs loo and dad is getting much less mobile. There have been no adaptations to the house, apart from a bar to hold by back door. So bathroom, stairs, doorsteps are a problem. We've discussed getting adaptations done and a downstairs loo, people in to do basic maintenance jobs, all to no avail. Dad just absolutely refuses to spend money (anything we do we pay for, I got landline phones, new kitchen light, outdoor lights, paid for pest control, and then time to do the jobs). Mum is, I suspect ND, and has always been very anti any 'outsiders' in the house.

They live half an hour away and I have a preschooler, both siblings have a primary aged child and we all have work commitments. Dad is still driving locally but I think shouldn't any more. Mum can't drive, can't use internet and can't plan so no weekly shop, more like daily trips to get stuff.
Dad was looking into moving into sheltered accommodation a few years ago but mum absolutely refused. It's now probably too late anyway.

With everything considered, I can see how, without any plan or strategy, we will just fall into needing to be there more and more. I am trying to dicuss with siblings to get some sort of plan. I won't be able to do more than I currently do as we are moving house for my son's school, I have a husband who is away for work more than home and I'll be working more once school starts up. I currently go on a weekday as my siblings are in Mon-Fri jobs and go at weekends. This won't be possible from September when my son starts school.
What do I do? Just leave it and act piecemeal or try and push for some co-ordinated efforts with siblings, parents and other help? It feels like a major stress to organise at the moment so any advice from experience would be helpful.

Similar situation . My brother died very suddenly last year he lived abroad but would take some burden off me . And my mum died 7 years ago. My youngest is 8 and I work full time Nightshift as a nurse. Luckily my dad sorted out his will and made me poa last year after my brother died . He’s told me his memory is awful and I’ve noticed a decline in him the last few months , he’s 85 . It’s very very difficult trying to juggle things . At least you have siblings . I would try and get everyone together together to get together to discuss what needs to be done , poa etc

Re: the stairlift - depending on your stairs, the lift can reduce the accessibility to the stairs for an ambulant person. In my parent’s
case, it also involved removing the second bannister, which had been put in place
when her mobility first deteriorated. For anyone else in the house the stair lift makes it harder to use the stairs so on this basis I would not install too soon.

@CareConciergein principal it’s a great idea. However if I take my DPs as an example, I am not sure how it could really work. So I spend a lot of time phoning DPs doctors at 8am trying to get through so I can speak to their doctor that day. I have their named authority so I can do that, so how could it be outsourced? I do worry about the content of their fridge, but DF got very huffy with me when I tried to go through it, so I figure either their constitutions are strong enough to cope with most things, or if they are not they will end up in hospital- zero chance they would let someone else go through it.
I do think there is a market for sourcing handy people for smallish jobs, and DPs used something similar whilst they were still able to spot household issues and want to fix them.

Do your very best to kick start the POA process off.

We managed it by playing on our parent's fears. So we said that a friend from work was telling us that her Mum went into hospital and she was shocked to find out that being next of kin means nothing in the eyes of the hospital etc.

So, if you don't have POA in place and you fall and end up in hospital, they won't listen to.your wife/kids. Social care will take over in the absence of a POA. So, who would you rather have making decisions for you? Us that live you and have your best interests at heart or a total stranger that doesn't really care about your likes/dislikes/wants/needs but will find the cheapest option for care?

If you had a stroke and you can't communicate or do things for yourself with no POA, then the social worker will just stick you in the cheapest, shittiest care home because they will only be thinking about cost, not you as a person.

POA means you authorise me to speak on your behalf and act in your best interests if you can't do it anymore.

Also, do you want to make my life harder if you can no longer talk? The bank, British Gas etc will not talk to me unless I have POA. Then you're really screwed because if you get cut off, then I won't be allowed to sort it out.

And stress that POA can only be activated if they can't talk or think for themselves any more. You won't be allowed to just take over things if they are still capable themselves. It's meant to be a last resort.

Also think about claiming Attendance Allowance for them. The GP may have a Social Prescriber who can help you with that.

And the social worker could even choose a care home that is 50 miles away from home and you wouldn't be able to do anything about it if you didn't have POA.

Early 40s is a normal age to have a kid. If both OP and mum had a kid at 42, then OP would have a four year old at 46 and her mum would be 88. I know several women with these generational gaps. They are unusual but in no way mind-blowing in the way some of the PP comments seem to suggest.

It's a bit of a sidetrack from the original post, but yes children in late 30s/40s. And not just 2 generations, at least 4. It's how it's been in our family for a long time so I don't think of it as strange.

I went down a Facebook school pals nostalgia wormhole recently with and every single person had in memoriam messages for lost parents, all of whom would have been 10-15 years younger than my parents. I guess we are genetically predisposed to live life this way around; footloose until 40, then knuckle down for kids and elderly parents all at once!