Want to leave DH but my DF lives with us!

[BetteDavisChin]

My DH makes it clear that he has had enough of my father living with us. I understand how he feels.

For various reasons, things are very difficult for us right now.

We are trapped living together.

DH and I are early 70s, my father is early 90s.

I have said that I will take my father away and find somewhere to rent with him.

There are no easy answers.

I agree there are no easy answers. I wanted to reply just as a voice of support.
Would your father be able to move into supported accommodation near you? If he did would that solve the problems between you and your husband?
I know that is just questions but if the answers are no, then maybe you will need to consider doing as you said and renting. The problem is that your dad is not going to get any easier to manage as he gets older.Could you manage it alone?
Do you have children who are willing, and able, to help care for their grandfather?
Life should be easy for us older people, but it never seems to be.

Trapped with DH or trapped with your father? Which one would you rather not be living with?

If you dad had no money surely you can claim housing benefits for him or you and move out .
If your house is owned your dh will have to sell and split or buy you out etc.

Go to citizens advice .. you aren't trapped

If your dad wasn’t living with you, would you still want to leave your husband?

Yes that's kind of what i meant!

Whose house do you actually live in? How did you end up living with your DF?

How long has your father lived with you? Which of them don't you want to live with? Or both?!

Does your father have savings so could afford to live somewhere else? Could you arrange a care needs assessment from social services to assess what his needs are and then what his housing options are?

Do you and your DH own or rent? And how long have you been married?

Thank you all for your replies.
I don't want to live with my father.
I don't want to leave my husband.
It's mine and my DH house.
Father won't go into supported accommodation.
He has lived with us for 17 years.
We didn't expect it to go on for this long when we started. It seemed like a lovely idea at the time 😪

You poor thing 😔

Would a different layout of the house help? An extension for dad, or man cave for your husband or something?

Even a house move that provides more space for everyone?

You might have to speak with your dad about the options.

Well if you can't manage your dad's needs then he will need to move out .. or did you sue his money to buy your house?

My mum has just moved to a care home because I can't care for her anymore . All of her money will go on that hut so be it .

Would your Father go into warden assisted living accommodation? So he'd have his own flat, can come and go as he pleases but there is a warden onsite during the day and emergency pull cords to use if he fell or felt unwell. My FIL and his wife went through Anchor Living - it's a company that owns many assisted living complexes (and care homes) throughout the UK. They specialise in finding accommodation for elderly people who need to rent. You can check on their website to see if they have accommodation near you. Usually it's a case of going on a waiting list, until something comes up, that's suitable. The rents are usually cheaper, than if you were renting on the normal open market. Unfortunately, if having your Dad living with you is causing such a strain on your marriage (not surprisingly), it's gone passed the stage of your Dad having a choice. He needs to move out, it's that simple.

17 years. OMG. You need to tell your dad he is moving out.

I can understand your husband’s point of view. Sharing your wife for 17 years is too much, especially if it’s got to the point where neither of you have any quality time alone with each other.

You’re amazing, by the way. I couldn’t do what you do,

What kind of care do you provide? Isn’t it too much? Are you finding that, even with round the clock support from you, your father is still getting in a pickle? There does come a time when one person alone cannot provide all care needs. Most very elderly people need a whole team eventually.

Of course, pretty much all carees don’t want outside support, or to go into residential care. Wants and needs are different things!

Thank you all again.
We have sufficient living space here for the three of us, we are not cramped. My father had no house to sell when he came to live with us, so hasn't contributed, other than paying towards his keep.
Now we are retired, my husband says he wants us to enjoy our time and have complete privacy.
He feels that my father has too much influence over our lives. He believes that I consider my father's needs before our own.
It's a horrible dilemma.
When my father first came to live with us, all those years ago, I told him that he would always have a home with us.

It’s very common for people to make promises, but in reality care needs often become too much. Night wandering, insomnia, double incontinence, aggresive outbursts, feeding issues….

You are both in your seventies and really deserve some time together.

Won't he? Don't give him a choice .

Father won't go into supported accommodation

To be blunt, it's not up to him.

You're in danger of choosing your dad over your husband.

After 17 years you've done your duty. Time to get a life of your own and enjoy retirement.

Why are you choosing your Father over your husband? You know you allowed to change your mind, even though you said he would have a home with you is it at the cost of your marriage?

Your Dad may not want to go into a home but this is a choice you can make for him. I would be devastated if Dh chose a parent over me.

Please consider looking into accommodation for your Dad, not with you.

Would some respite care in a home help and be a stepping stone or a break for you?
Your father may love it and want to move or he could go for a week every month.
You can request a carers assessment from social services where you explain that you cannot continue as it is.

@BetteDavisChin You wrote "Now we are retired, my husband says he wants us to enjoy our time and have complete privacy."
I can see his point of view. My wife and I are both 77 and for the past 11 years, sice I retired, have had freedom to do what we want. We get up when we want, we go away when we want, we eat and drink what we want when we want it. Well that was true up to maybe three months ago when my wife became ill, possibly a TIA. She has deteriorated rapidly and is in hospital as we need carers to be sorted out for her to come home. We will never have freedom or privacy again as her dementia has stolen that. I still love her and she loves me.
Grab the time you have with your husband. Enjoy your time together. Find the best place for your dad but hang onto your happiness with your husband.

I should add that my father's care needs are not onerous.
To a certain extent, he is quite capable of looking after himself.
It's my father's continuing and constant presence in our home that my husband is struggling to cope with.
His retirement has magnified the issue.

If it's relevant at all, my father would never have considered having his own parents in law go to live with him and my mother.

What have you done about holidays or meals out in the last 17 years? Have you had opportunities to spend time just as a couple or does all of it end up involving your father too?

I'd suggest booking you and your DH onto a fortnight's holiday and suggesting your father tries a respite place in supported living. That would at least give you a break and some time with your DH plus your father gets to try it out.

I think your DH is right. I think you need to be firm with your father. You have done this for nearly twenty years and you are now in your seventies...to put it bluntly you will soon be elderly yourself and you and your DH deserve to enjoy your life together whilst you are still relatively young.

You are making a bad decision choosing your father over your marriage.
What do you see happening to you in the next five years? 10 years? Being blunt, at 70, no spring chicken, you or your husband could have limited time yourselves. Put your father in a home and enjoy however many good years you have left. You’ve served 17 yrs OP, time to put yourself first.
My cousin started looking after her mother when she was 80ish, now 98 and still going strong, albeit totally dependant on her daughter for everything. It has stolen my lovely cousins retirement, but she’s carried on because “this will be her last Christmas/easter/ summer etc” I think my aunt will outlive us all!
I’ve been telling my kids that they're not to look after me or DH under any circumstances since they were little.