Want to leave DH but my DF lives with us!

[BetteDavisChin]

My DH makes it clear that he has had enough of my father living with us. I understand how he feels.

For various reasons, things are very difficult for us right now.

We are trapped living together.

DH and I are early 70s, my father is early 90s.

I have said that I will take my father away and find somewhere to rent with him.

There are no easy answers.

I think if you’ve always said your df can live either you, you need to allow this to happen. If your dh doesn’t like this, he should have said earlier before your df moved in.

I think you need to talk to your dad about having him move to supported accommodation near you.

I get that you said he always had a home with you, but I think you need to be frank about the options - he moves out alone, or he moves out with you and destroys your marriage.

I totally understand why your DH is fed up. I would be too, and I would not have lasted 17 years with any of our parents.

You are being incredibly unreasonable to your husband, even though I know you are just trying to do the right thing. Big conversations needed. Dad, DH has retired now. We love you but we need our own space. We need to help you find your own place in 2025. Of course he will be upset or angry at first, but let him process it, before you talk about options. Don't waver on the non negotiable.

If your dad is happy to watch you sacrifice your marriage of many years rather than him move out to finally live on his own (with support) then I think that's very sad indeed. Especially as he would never have entertained one of his in-laws moving in back in the day.

Quite how you go about getting him out and living elsewhere is anyone's guess though.
I wouldn't feel guilty about changing your mind about him having a home for life with you, when you said that you weren't expecting to still be there 17 years later and still apparently in pretty good fettle. You must make the most of your current good health and make the most of these next few years together. Nobody knows how long they'll be blessed with good enough health and mobility before it all goes downhill.

Father won't go into supported accommodation.

Care needs for the elderly are based on "needs" not "wants". If he needs to go into supported accommodation because your poor DH has had enough of him being there then so be it.

I'd hate to have a parent live with me .. I can totally see your husbands pov ... I think if you dad has capacitors then sit him down and talk to him .. tell him dh is now retired and needs more space etc and soemthing needs to change . Get a social worker if necc

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to have a serious discussion and be firm with your father. What was right for you then clearly seems to have changed, and that's nothing to feel guilty about.
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DH and I bought a house with my Mum when we were starting out and she was newly retired. She put down the deposit, we paid the mortgage. This enabled us all to have a comfortable home that couldn't otherwise have been afforded. It worked brilliantly for nearly 15 years, but Mum got older, we had a couple of kids (one with severe special needs) and the situation gradually became oppressive for everyone. Fortunately we were better off by then and were able to buy Mum a small place nearby. She's in her mid nineties now, still living on her own but relying on us a lot for support - which we are very happy to give. We are now the newly retireds and I can't imagine living with her at this stage in all our lives. I don't think she would like it either.

I'm "only" 45, so don't feel as if I should give any advice, perhaps just a thought.
My husband is 75, married for 20 years.
My parents were emotionally abusive, mother still alive in another country.
What I'm saying - never in a million years would I make similar arrangement for any reason and wouldn't regret it.
Don't leave your husband if you don't want to, just because your Dad happens to live a very long life.
Sorry.

Could your Dad go into a home (or similar) for a 'holiday'/respite. He may enjoy it and it could give you and your DH some breathing space to come up with a plan.

I think you have to spell it out to your Dad that he will be moving one way or another. Either by his own choice or with no choice if your marriage collapses and the house has to be sold. If he was selfish enough to not care if your marriage collapses I wonder how you would feel about living with him afterwards or if you would be so resentful that your relationship with him would be irrevocably damaged anyway. Then all three of you would end up on your own.

Might be a different perspective but if your DF already in his 90s he likely will not have too many years left. Get that it’s tough. Get that you and DH have created rod for your own back but why not get you time in other ways? Now you’re retired world your oyster. Leave DF to enjoy some him time whilst you and DH go on a long cruise? Chance for fun and adventure? Be crazy to give up your marriage. Also watch your own behaviour. Does your DH have a point? Fact you don’t want to leave him but are willing to side with your DF to move out confusing at best.
Have boundaries with DF. Rekindle with DH and fulfil the commitment you made.

My father would care if my marriage ended, but mainly in how it would affect him. He felt neglected and unwanted as a child, and I've carried this burden of responsibility for protecting him through my life.
Thank you all for your thoughts. You have given me insights into my own behaviour and some fresh perspectives on how to move forward.

You need to have a frank conversation with your dad. Explain that when he came you were 27 years younger and now dh is struggling to cope. He wants to enjoy his retirement in peace. Explain its putting a strain on your marriage so dad needs to move to x y z you need you have a plan eg. Exactly where is suitable and available avd definitely close by

Tell your father how much you love him and that this is such a difficult thing for you.

17.... hate you cabt edit on the app!

Ridiculous comment.

Hello OP.
My parents lived with us for 5 & 18 years.
Three and a half years consisted of 19 hours a day of care. We lost everything as I couldn't work and we had school aged children. My career and finances suffered.
My father refused a home and the carers that came in the last two years were always late or didn't turn up. It's easy to push a client back if they have family. By luck I was introduced to a carer coordinator at our GP surgery. She arranged respite which could have been eight weeks a year. My father didn't have savings but a small private pension so he contributed. About £100 per week. It was a revelation that the LA keep quiet about.
He was offered a flat but thought he wouldn't be long for this world.
The order of St John are very comfortable if you have them near year. Most of the cost is covered by the state pension so your father woukd only get a small allowance each week.
Once my dad had his respite he was amazed. Sadly he died a few weeks later but if he hadn't that would have been a lifeline for me.
I too had promised him a home for life after my mum died, prior to that they were off to sheltered housing. It was too much for us in our fifties, it's certainly too much for you in your seventies. You might have to take to your bed!
I would tell your father you are feeling very poorly and rope in your GP.
Stress can cause all sorts of illness. I ended up with trauma and a further health condition. You've done your bit.

If he doesn't have the money to self fund a care home won't be an option as the LA won't fund. Op says his care needs aren't onerous. Supported accomodation is going to be the only option and good via social services is a good way to investigate the options and access that.

This is a great idea. Cant you go on a round-the-world cruise. These can last fpr months. And arrange a carer to go in while you're away?

My dads in his seventies like youand he is in council sheltered housing. He has health needs but it’s been amazing, own flat and privacy but socialising with others in the building too. It’s a newer build. It’s so much safer with his heart as he can wear a call button for help.

I think you need to sit down with your dad and explain how things are. You deserve to spend retirement comfortable. You’ve certainly not abandoned your dad but you aren’t no longer ‘young’ either.

Can you afford to remortgage and purchase a small flat somewhere ? You and dh could then have a week a month there to have some time alone. Does your father have money that he could use for this to give you some space ?

Ah, that's really hard OP. You are carrying the burdens of previous generations.

I would seriously consider downsizing so there is not room for your father a she is forced onto his own accommodation. This will happen anyway if you and your DH separate.

DHs father came to live with him when he was discharged from hospital after having a heart attack (MIL had thrown him out of the house while he was in hospital) I'm not sure what happened exactly, but DH and FIL fell out and DH insisted FIL leave. The council housed him in sheltered accommodation. I think you need to reach out for support as this situation could go on for another 10 years.

Yes this!
Move to somewhere smaller so the situation is forced.
Your father is never going to listen to your very reasonable worries or move out otherwise.

If he doesn’t have the money or assets to self fund, yes the LA will fund. But he won’t get such a choice of nice homes though

They won't fund if his care needs don't require a care home. They will put him in a flat, possibly sheltered/extracare with care visits as necessary. They will only fund a care home if he is unsafe with 4 visits and OP has said his care needs are not onerous so unlikelyto be the case.