Want to leave DH but my DF lives with us!

[BetteDavisChin]

My DH makes it clear that he has had enough of my father living with us. I understand how he feels.

For various reasons, things are very difficult for us right now.

We are trapped living together.

DH and I are early 70s, my father is early 90s.

I have said that I will take my father away and find somewhere to rent with him.

There are no easy answers.

This is going to sound brutal OP but what was the original plan for your father if something happened to you first? A woman in her 50s died suddenly a couple of weeks ago, someone I knew at work. She'd been caring for elderly parents. There was someone else on this board who ended up having a heart attack whilst caring for an elderly relative.

Being incapacitated through illness or worse can happen to any of us, and becomes more likely as we get older. Was your DH going to step in then to care for your father?

Look on it as involving more people in your father's care rather than him being dependent on you in your home.

Speak to your doctor about your father, fund out if there are options available to him. Nursing home.

It also occurred to me that you've said caring for him isn't onerous, but what is he capable of doing? You could be doing a lot for him without it being obvious it is care needs. It didn't sound like you were doing personal care.

It's not clear whether he just has a bedroom and the rest of the time is sharing living space with you, or whether you've got a more self-contained annexe type arrangement? Is he able to clean his own bedroom and living space?

Does he do his own laundry, including bedding, and can he change the bed, iron his clothes (if needed)?

Which meals does he prepare? Can he make his own breakfast, lunch and hot drinks? Does he cook an evening (or main) meal at all?

How does he manage shopping for food and other items? Do you do all of it, or take him to the shops, or go for him? That could be for toiletries, or clothes or presents.

How does he get to medical appointments?

Does he manage his own finances, including any bills (possibly not many of those but maybe for a phone?)

My father does have a separate living space from us.
I spend time with him every day, popping in and out, chatting and watching tv. He rarely comes into our part of the house. That's his choice.
I do all shopping and cooking, laundry, take care of his finances, take him to all medical appointments, anywhere he wants or needs to go. I wash and cut his hair and toenails.
He needs my help with walking outside.
He can make his own drinks, cook ready meals, porridge and toast. He cleans his own space.
As I said, his care needs are not onerous.

My post is to do with my husband feeling aggrieved about the amount of time I spend with my father and what we do for him. And how I can handle it.
If I became ill and unable to care for him, he would have to move out because my husband would not look after him and would not want carers coming into our home.

Do you want to change the set up OP? What would it look like if you had your wishes? Do you want to spend less time with DDad and more with DH, or do you want more help with things yourself, or more time for yourself?

Gently, it's time for your DF to go into some sort of sheltered accomodation. Mission creep has set in and you are doing a great deal for him and taking up alot of time that could be spent on your own retirement and your DH.

I used to be a home care aide and saw the 64 year old daughter of one of my care cliets (84!) die of a heart attack from the stress of caregiving. With 35 hours of care aide per week, and other family caregivers coming in during the evenings, the stress was still lethal. Please don't do this to yourself.

I'm guessing that you don’t have any siblings who can help out if you and DH went away, for example?

I agree with PP’s that speaking to your doctor and also with the Elder Care team at your local SS about options is a wise course. You need to find out what’s available to your father. My Dad (86) is very happy living independently in a retirement flat. He has a cleaner/light housekeeper and some meal deliveries, but he can manage pretty well. Retirement communities usually have a lot of help available to residents, from cleaning to carers if they become necessary.

The fact that you and DH want to have your home to yourselves is perfectly acceptable. You don't have to justify this to anyone.

Tell your DF this.

Give him a timeline.

Don't move (ridiculous and unnecessary unless you want to) but do plan say a 2-3 week trip a few months into the year.

Then say, "so dad, I'm sorry to have to bring this up, but since we've retired, we've realised that we do really need our own space.So in the new year, we'd like to help you to find your own place. You know we're going on a long cruise after Easter, so ideally we'd like to help you get things sorted before then."

Don't back down, you're not kicking him out, you're just putting a timescale on it and taking action.

His care needs are onerous. They take away from your free time and the time you might spend as a couple. You are doing personal tasks when you cut nails and wash hair. I think you are so entrenched that you can’t see how big the burden is.

So if your DF lived somewhere else, who would care for him? You, probably. But you'd be travelling back and forth. You need to think carefully about what he really needs and explain to him you are not up to providing it.

I'm so sorry that you are in this extremely difficult situation@BetteDavisChin
I can appreciate that the pit falls which are now glaringly obvious in hindsight were likely hidden from view when you agreed to this setup.
My question is did your husband agree to it in the first place?

I think you should heed this warning op.

From what I can see humans are strongly inclined to develop tunnel vision as they become elderly, they lack the headspace (for want of a better term) to see and appreciate the needs of others. It becomes all about them and they don't necessarily realize (or perhaps care ) about the needs of others.
They will happily bleed you dry and then clamber over your withered corpse to find the next victim in order to keep themselves alive. Not because they are 'evil' more that the empathy function takes up too much cognitive horsepower and they don't have enough to keep all the plates spinning.

I think this is true, the brain shrinks as we age, survival mode can kick in.

I totally concur that you should have an honest conversation, give him time to process it.
However, if he refuses, I would even tell a white lie like that you want to go away for 3 weeks, so you’ve arranged some temporary accommodation, then hopefully he will settle there. And possibly enjoy being around other people!
It isn’t fair on your husband at all. Good luck.