So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

continuing from our last thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3?page=40&reply=140073671

Excellent typo @CaveMum - I think a lot if my elderly patients would refer to their hearing sods if they'd thought of it!

Two funerals in recent weeks and it was actually really nice to spend time thinking about the people involved when they were in their prime, all their achievements etc. I was thinking that these days I never wear a party dress but my black suit barely gets hung up before it's out again. Not for my mum though. Solidarity with all those in what we can only hope are the final days or at least weeks.

Sympathy and support to one and all. My Dad 95 is deteriorating - though he's got no mobility at all now and is registered blind the key change is his mental confusion, some quite strange ideas accompanied by loneliness and despair. The care home are now going to put in place an Advance Care Plan with the emphasis on wellbeing and pain relief. It's very depressing visiting him though we do our best to cheer him up. No end of life diagnosis just the inevitable and accelerating decline. It's no way to live.

My Mum (who I'm NC with now) went through a very long phase of "consulting" us on whether or not DF should have his vaccinations. In reality it was just her trying to get a reaction out of other family members which she'd then ignore, and she'd never have refused permission because she wants him to have any and every medical procedure going.

Anyway, you can refuse permission if you want to. DF nearly died 2.5 years ago, and also in winter 2020/21. It'd have been much, much better all round if he had.

And yes, I know of quite a few people who have died or have had elderly relatives who have died recently - I'm not sure if it's a higher mortality rate than normal or what. DF still hanging in there though!

There seem to be quite a lot of respiratory viruses about @HoraceGoesBonkers. Not flu or Covid. Brother and I have been coughing our heads off for two days but it isn't Covid. Wouldn't imagine they're easy on the very old and quite hard to treat too.

Sending sympathy to you and those in this situation.

We've been there with my late MIL;we had to watch her decline and become an empty shell first physically then mentally with a degenerative condition that attacked her nerves.

So many times we were told she wouldn't be here much longer,so many hospital admissions,the middle of the night you need to come to the hospital calls,the having to make the decision to put an DNR in place.

She couldn't do a single thing for herself at the end,she was incontinent with a catheter and an adult nappy,she couldn't swallow and had to be peg feed everything;food,fluids,meds,she lost her fine motor skills,couldn't read,use her phone or hold a toothbrush.

She lost all movement from the chest downwards,lost the ability to talk properly and her mind went too.

She lost a ridiculous amount of weight,lost pretty much all muscle tone and had her skin was awful.

It was utterly cruel keeping her alive,my MIL before this happened and was healthy would have been horrified at what she ended up becoming.

Trying to get help from social services was a terrible battle;we nearly got her into a care home once but an assessor from the NHS put the brakes on that despite how disabled she was.She eventually went into a care home a month before she died.It was too little too late.

She passed just days before Christmas 2016.I'm not going to lie,it was a relief,we didn't grieve the traditional way per se;we'd already made our peace with losing her and had had said goodbye so many times before it actually happened.

We still miss her and it's hit home recently as my first grandchild arrived a few weeks ago;she would have been delighted.

🤣🤣🤣 That is a corker of a typo isn’t it!

@AInightingale there are some nasty respiratory viruses around right now. DS(7) had one last week, it totally wiped him out and he missed 3 days of school. He’s still not 100% now and I had to cancel my visit to my parents over the weekend as they didn’t want to risk me bringing anything into the house.

My father passed away without water- took two weeks- pancreatic cancer. Syringe driver fitted and that was it- unconscious mostly.
He would not have wanted that.
There was no treatment- it was two weeks of suffering and indignity. I won’t be going that way, I’ll take my own life first.

DF visit done, he seemed half awake but not really responsive for the first 5-10 minutes then fell asleep. At least he wasn't distressed. Can't believe this has been going on for such a long time though - when he moved into the home in April 2022 I thought he wouldn't see out the first winter.

@Glitchymn1 so sorry to hear this. Please stick around on here - it is hard hearing lovely people say they will take their own life to avoid what many of us are experiencing with elderly parents. Do you have support around you?

Just having an argument with my mum over me asking her friends to sit with her for a few hours so i can spend the morning with my kids. She is annoyed at me putting them out when they’re busy (although they’re all retired and desperate to help). I know this is the brain tumour affecting her personality, but it’s extremely frustrating that she can’t see how difficult it is to split her care between me and my aunts, with no other help. The council are utterly hopeless.

@Guineapiggiesmalls I got to the point a couple of years ago with mine that there were continuing crises with DF which I was expected to run up and down for and I'm not really sure when my "D"M thought I was meant to look after my young kids and do my job... stick to your guns. I ended up getting ill as a result of it all.

It might be worth speaking to a councillor to try and get more help from the council?

I've got horrid anxiety at the moment. It normally kicks off around Dad visits, sometimes worse than others. I think with Christmas looming and feeling like I have too much to do, plus DM using the visit as a chance to push for contact again, is making it worse this time around.

It's all a bit of a cumulative effect, isn't it? I can't help but thinking if we hadn't had the really long drawn out bit where my Mum was refusing to put Dad into a home I'd have a bit more in the tank to draw from now in terms of patience and mental health.

I think all of us on here have been running on empty for years and Christmas or rather not being able to have the kind of Christmas you want because you’re running around sorting out elderly parents, hosting them or travelling miles to visit just makes things feel much worse. Sending solidarity to everyone on this thread.

Year 5 for us with no sign of ever ending

We're near the end of year 10, one after another. Just mum left now she has alzheimer's but still seems sturdy physically. Thonks she manages fine and is independent while we do all the admin, finances, sort out the cleaner, take her to appointments etc.

Year 8 for us and no end in sight- and assuming MIL doesn't outlive us all I very much fear that once she goes my own DM will start to decline. She's nearly 80, and so far OK apart from some physical problems, but I can't believe we're going to be spared the cognitive decline. Fortunately she's had the sense to move into sheltered accommodation near public transport before she really has to, so it'll be easier than it was with MIL.

Just coming up to the end of the third year for me. Just DM - DF died a few years ago 36 hours after being admitted to hospital for stomach pain but he was 88 so it felt like a natural end. MIL was managing perfectly fine until her cancer diagnosis and death 4 weeks later this year. FIL died 30 years ago.

DM also has perfectly healthy heart, lungs, liver, kidneys etc etc for a woman of her age according to the docs. Her vital organs keep plugging away doing their thing while her brain deteriorates and her muscles waste away. It’s horrible.

I know exactly what you mean, @funnelfan. MIL is absolutely nails physically- she’s over 100 and has survived Covid and a broken hip in the last two years. But mentally she’s gone.

Year 6 for me. There’s just my step dad now but the distance, being an only child who didn’t have a good childhood and the fact my step dad won’t pay for services he needs is really taking its toll.

Year 6 now with my DM. She’s in a care home now, mostly in bed when I visit, wakes up enough to be either smiley or agitated, but still eating and drinking and recovering from all the viruses that float around. Alzheimer’s which started at 62, lead to her husband taking his life and has basically ruined mine. Meanwhile with my DF it’s year 20, he has HD has been in a care home for 10 years and is eating puréed food but remains physically healthy. I think in a parallel universe I have parents with no progressive degenerative mental illnesses that would live until their nineties. I made the mistake of visiting them both on consecutive days and then wondered why I was so depressed! I live in fear of losing other people in my life before them. But I think this is probably what the rest of my life will look like.

Such big hugs to everyone. It such a hard time of year, and keeping everything going is exhausting, trying to do everything for everyone and pull Christmas together.

I think we all somehow have a fear that by the time we are done caring, are good years will be behind us. I feel like i have spent most of my life putting everyone's needs ahead of myself. Even a simple i don't want to leave my own home today seems a impossible ask at the moment.

As horrid as it is i sometimes think what be like at Christmas when mum is no longer here. I can be in my own home, just do normal things. I will still have most of the work of it, but am luck that i have a horizontally relaxed teenager who i think would be happy as larry to be told we are staying in for the whole 5 days, surviving off nothing but takeaways, bacon sandwiches and roses chocolate tubs while watching films and taking naps with our mobiles switched off

My mum hasn't said a word today, and has been asleep the entire day since she was washed/changed by the carers this morning.

This isn't the norm for her so I'm wondering if she's either just especially knackered today or we're a bit nearer the end.

I'm hoping the latter tbh as her quality of life is so poor.

Thoughts to everyone else watching and waiting xxx

And now she's awake, angry and aggressive.

So fucking tired.

Watching and waiting here too. The care home think MIL has days left, but I don’t think they allow for how tough she is. We went to see her yesterday and she was asleep most of the time, but BIL said she actually looked better than she had when he went in at the weekend. We’ll try to keep Christmas as normal as we can for DD and then probably go over there again on Boxing Day.