So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 4

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

continuing from our last thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3?page=40&reply=140073671

A heartfelt hug for everyone on here. It’s grim and getting grimmer.

And hugs from me too. Bracing myself to visit MIL - she’s so unhappy and every time we see her she begs us to take her home. I never realised until she declined that loss of capacity also meant loss of ability to realise you can’t take care of yourself. She’s bed bound and can’t even hold a cup any more,the home is bringing her tea in a sippy cup. I could howl (but can’t to DH because it’s so much worse for him, so I come on here instead).

Hugs and strong cups of for everyone.

I was supposed to be visiting my parents this weekend but youngest DC has had a flu-like bug all week (poor soul has been wiped out by it, barely able to get out of bed and eaten very little) thankfully he’s on the mend but as both my parents are CEV they decided they’d rather not risk me bringing anything into the house.

@Radionowhere that's really tough. He sounds close to cracking up and that can't be easy on you either. Is there anyone else involved?

How are you doing @Guineapiggiesmalls?

@NefretForth I'll confess to a craven relief that my DM can't speak much. Before her stroke she was cognitively declining and unhappy and conversation with her was getting increasingly draining. I hope you can treat yourself to a nice time after the visit. I need to go right now but am putting it off...

Yes @PermanentTemporary he probably is. He needs to step back a bit. Unfortunately he's very rigid in his thinking, there's a right way to do things and that is the way it will be done. I think he's being completely OTT on this. MIL, at this moment in time, doesn't need constant monitoring. She's really pretty good just now. But his mind is made up.

I'm being stubborn by not rolling up my sleeves and mucking in with him, he's used to me doing the bulk of the drudgery, to the point that of course he doesn't realise the burden of it all that already sits with me.

Maybe I need to tow the line but I think we'll both crack then. There's a degree of self preservation but also a family, a home and a job to deal with. My life was already full on before this.

Have had a horrible few days. He took his mother to an appointment on Friday and forgot her medication, phoned me to go and get it, I was at work at the time. Anyway, I took longer to get it than he wanted and he was furious, shouting at me, on speaker in the car with his mother sat beside him. He'd bloody forgotten the damn thing, not me. Just so hurtful being spoken to like that, and his mother hearing all of it. Not sure how much more of this I can take. I know it's stress but I really dislike him just now.

God that's really awful Radio. Yes its not as if any of us were sitting around with nothing to do when this tsunami rolled in.

@Radionowhere "I know this is stressful and I'm not unsympathetic Gerald but please don't take it out on me, that's not fair," (in as neutral tone as you can bear)...

Dad was moved to a nursing home on Friday for end of life care, on Saturday he was a changed man could walk, talk, feed himself we all had a moment of hope that maybe the doctors had got it wrong. Sadly, it looks like he was running on adrenaline and has been confined to his bed since. I'm spending a lot of time on the phone with my mum and sister, but the conversations are now how difficult he's finding breathing and that he has decided to stay in bed. Just writing it all down here because I'm so far from home and just waiting for that dreadful phone call. I must wake up every hour in the night to check my phone. For the first time since the middle of November he admitted that he didn't feel well yesterday, so he must be feeling really poorly now because I don't think he's ever admitted to being ill in his life.

We're probably going on a Dad visit tomorrow - I always feel a bit sick about going in the run up. If I'm lucky he just sleeps, if it's a bad day he groans and seems to be distressed. I haven't been able to have a conversation with him for two years now, it's been such a long time.

Does anyone have any Christmas present ideas? I might just get him a card. He can't walk, see or eat. He does listen to music but sometimes gets upset about that too. The only other thing I can think of is a hot water bottle - which he doesn't need as the home is boiling, but it's something.

@brittanyfairies it's incredible how that surge in energy can happen. So sorry this is happening.

Hope you have a peaceful visit tomorrow @HoraceGoesBonkers I don't know that I would buy Christmas gifts at this point tbh. I think it's okay not to in the circumstances.

Nearly sure that's what's called 'terminal lucidity' @brittanyfairies .It's a strange phenomenon but oddly comforting in a way, that the person's spirit is still intact. Hope the end peaceful for him when it does come. 💐

We’re so conditioned to do things like presents aren’t we, even when the recipient isn’t bothered like DM last year. My gifts this year to DM are edible (nice biscuits and chocolate) but if he doesn’t eat then maybe a plant for his room? Or new pyjamas?

I don't think he'd be able to see a planet or register it was there :( It's so hard - I end up feeling that I'm putting items in his room that will just sit there for a bit then taken out when he dies. He went through a phase of really enjoying sweets and chocolate but is on liquids now.

The last time he said anything vaguely coherent was just after he got moved into the home, I went to see him and he asked if he was in the town where I live. That was quite a long time ago now, and one of the most depressing elements has been my mum pretending he's coherent when nobody else is there, I think to justify any intervention to keep him alive.

I could get him a whisky miniature as as far as I know he has the odd drink.

I sometimes get well meaning people telling me he's very strong or that he must he hanging on to life for something.

Just checking in and wanting to wish you all a well and peaceful Christmas as possible.

I'm going to be staying at mums for a few nights over Christmas with my teenage Son. I am already dreading it. I love her to pieces, but the constant doom mongering is exhausting. Its like being drained by dementors.
I cant remember the last time a simple 'how are you' wasn't met by a barrage of complaints. Even on the phone her voice will be normal until you ask how she is feeling and then it switches.

Im wrapping myself in knots being positive and upbeat. I know this is crap and scary for her and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. But sometimes feel like screaming 'it's me that has it the hardest. im trying to balance caring for you, full time job and being a single parent, Im drowning trying to keep everyone afloat and it is never enough'

Add into the fact that there is no internet there, so my teenager will have the grump having to Listen to two old women talking about how terrible everything is and people who have been dead for 40 years.

I have asked her to come to mine, but no, even though it would be far easier for us she wont do it, and as she keeps saying she wants to spend her last Christmas in her own home. I get it, i do. Im just worn out with it all.

@SunshineSky81 Is it definitely her last Christmas? We were, for years, guilt tripped into doing inconvenient things because of it possibly being DF's last Christmas. I stopped going along with it about three years ago.

Can you make the visit slightly shorter so your DS has a bit of time with his pals?

There is no guarantee that it will be - she has been saying this for years, but she has been more unwell and has Alzheimer's now as well as COPD , so it may be the last one where it is as normal as it can be so to speak. Its hard to know what to do for the best.

We are lucky as we live round the corner, so am going to suggest my teen disappears for a couple of hours while i do dinner so he can be online with his friends - which at least is something.

The thing is mum will spend most of it dosing probably and we will be ghosting about trying not to disturb her

Commiserations. Your mum should meet my dad, they'd get on like a house on fire. The constant negativity is just so draining, the self pity and the attitude that nobody has it as bad as them. Yes I know it's shit but other people are struggling with far more serious things than you dad.

Hello! Is it ok to join the thread please? I've dipped in and out over the years under different names on the elderly parents board.

My DF is 92 next May, not really D though as we've had a really hard relationship since forever, I struggle massively to help him and hate being around him but he's been on his own for 1/4 century now and only has me and my sibling to look out for him. He's at home, utterly miserable, refusing carers or to go into care but really needs to. He's got mixed vascular dementia and Alzheimer's, COPD, on sleeping pills, anti depressants, statins god you name it. Awake all night, asleep all day, demanding, rude, unkind, desperate etc. It's a hideous existence for him and torture for us.

I can't lie, I'm desperate for him to just die quietly for everyone's sake.

The run up to Christmas is very tricky in our position. I’ve been buying my mum a few things, like perfume but I know she won’t be able to finish it (unless she really goes for it) so I feel quite preemptively sad about ending up with it. We also got her some food, like chocolates and a panettone, figuring that even if she doesn’t feel like eating them then it’s something to offer visitors. Handcream is always good too.

It feels like there’s a real cloud over this festive season, I’m sorry for people who have been doing this for great stretches of time.

The oncologist has reduced my mum’s steroid dose which I’m confused by, as this is the only thing keeping her symptoms at bay and they’re not treating the actual brain tumour. We’re still struggling by at home with no help, despite my mum being incapable of living alone. She keeps saying how she doesn’t want to be any trouble, but at the same time repeating how happy she is to be at home and how she’d hate to go into a nursing home or similar… I’m not sure how much longer me and my elderly aunts can manage, I’m terrified of picking up one of the kids bugs.

I took my Alzheimer's mother for her covid and flu jabs last month, and the dark thought did occur to me that when she gets to the point of having no quality of life it would be best not have these jabs. Covid or flu have got to be a better way to go than end-stage Alzheimer's surely?

My father refused to have his flu jab two years ago, he got flu, we took him to hospital and got him recovered but it was the worst thing we could have done, he never really recovered, it drove my sister and myself almost to nervous breakdown looking after him. At the time I thought we were doing the right thing, but in hindsight what we did was completely wrong, instead of a dignified exit, he suffered a multitude of indignities.

I do have the health LPA for my mother, would social services overrule me and force her to have these jabs?

No, they wouldn't. As the kind and knowledgeable folk on here have explained, all you have to do is say no thank you. And that's that. So it's what I've done this year.

That's why pneumonia was so darkly talked about as the 'old person's friend'. Not to say that it isn't a horrible condition, but at least the end is quick.

@Magicisstillhere I hear you. My mum's not really my mum anymore, is bedboind, thinks she's somewhere else, and is just existing. I hope she dies soon, for her sake and mine.

She's stopped drinking for the most part, and barely eats, so I'm hoping it'll be soon.

@falstaff1980 I’ve not arranged for my mum to have her jabs this year either, on the same logic that a short bout of pneumonia is a preferable end to Parkinson’s for someone with very limited quality of life already.

The GP computer system keeps texting me every month to to take her for a blood sugar test as she’s previously had results that indicate she’s pre-diabetic. Oh and also blood pressure monitoring. I’m ignoring the lot, because it will make no difference whatsoever to her care, whatever the result. She exists on lucozade and biscuits and hasn’t eaten a vegetable for several years.

On current form, DM’s end is going to start with a fall that leads to a broken hip. She’s exceptionally frail and wobbly now, and forgetting to use her walking frame to go to the loo. I found the frame in the corner of another bedroom and brought it back to place by her bed and she looked at it and said “what’s that?”.

Hugs and a large glass of your preferred tipple to everyone.

@brittanyfairies I hope things remain comfortable and peaceful for your dad.

@SunshineSky81 letting your teen pop home for periods sounds like a good idea. Could you excuse the both of you for a few hours on the pretext of going for a walk or something?

I poke with my parents yesterday, dad was quite incoherent and not quite sure what was going on. Mum said he’d been getting confused over the last few days, it’s hard to tell sometimes whether it’s because he can’t hear very well, because he’s tired or genuinely confused.

They’re a right pair at times. Both wear hearing sods though mum has had them since she was a child. You’d think given her own experiences she’d know to make sure she speaks slowly and clearly to dad but she frequently talks too quietly to him and then complains that he’s not listening 🙄😤